I'm here right now. But I'm not. It's like I'm trapped in a bubble, running around in my thoughts, the bubble is only as big as my room, relatively speaking, and nothing seems to be getting in. Well, wait. Not nothing. Christ. He's trying to get in. Even though He's already inside. Even though I've already invited Him. He's having trouble talking with me because I'm going in circles with myself. Round and round and round and round.
I want to be held by someone right now. I want to feel small in their arms. I want them to tell me I can close my eyes and breathe. I want them to tell me I'm not going to fall apart and shatter when they touch me.
God I can't hold you. I can't look into your eyes. I can't hear you breathing. Or see the blood fill your body with life.
What is this thing within, seeking to torment with malice?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus...Day 53
(action points Luke 10:17-24)
Stop & Consider
"In that same hour He rejoiced in the Holy Spirit and said, 'I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth." (v. 21)
1. Hw much fun is it to see Jesus enthusiastically worshiping with His disciples? How does that square with your view of Him and HIs public demeanor?
Well, it squares perfectly. Jesus knew His status/standing as above all else, but He showed us how to be humble and submit to God through His example of praise and worship. So of course when you hear Jesus rejoicing that things have happened in the power of the Holy Spirit, it shouldn't come as a shock of any sort.
If you think of Jesus, walking around, doing miracles, kicking the enemy's backside, and bringing the Good News of God to all those who could hear, Jesus was both messenger and savior. He just went about His business, doing what He knew needed to be done.
I just watched a movie last night, and there's this quote I remember from it.
"I wasn't high. I wasn't wired. Just clear. I knew what I needed to do and how to do it."
Jesus wasn't a cook. He wasn't some crazy philosopher, spouting nonsense. He IS the Son of God. He knew what He needed to do, and how He needed to do it. And since scripture teaches us, in all things have thanksgiving to the Lord and rejoice, it would have been wrong for Him to have not been happy and enthused at knowing what was needed to be done was getting done.
2. How much a part of your life is worship and spiritual celebrations?
Hmm, well. Almost every day I'd say, I'm praising God for something wonderful He's blessed my life with, through my relationship with Christ. Just yesterday I was praising a friend whom God blessed into the union of marriage. I was blessing and rejoicing another friend whose marriage I will be attending. And I was praising God for the job I'd just been blessed with.
I sometimes sing in the car the praises of the Lord. A song will come on the radio, and I'll take the beat and change out the words to celebrating and rejoicing for God is good and deserving of all praise.
I don't necessarily know how much of my life is worship. I'm not even sure what that word truly means. Yes, there's the definition. But is worship an act? Is it a way of life? Is it both?
Is my worship of God through living in Him and striving to do right by Him, and bringing Him every one of my concerns, thoughts, weaknesses, etc? If that's the case, I could worship better, because there are still times or some things we, as humans, have a hard time letting go of. Yet that doesn't mean I'm not striving for that.
My worship to God consists of moving towards Him every day. Looking to live as He would want me, with His will as my will. I understand I make mistakes. And I understand I can't stop myself from making them. What I can do, though, is make sure that when they happen, I'm giving them over to God, for they're not something I have the power to fix. It is His power that fixes. I've been entrusted with the power of God, but I know that I only go so far, and that sometimes, we don't want to fix those things, yet if we do that, we do a disservice to Him by holding on to that which we know we can't fix, and aren't yet willing to give up.
Focus on coming closer to God, and God will focus on coming closer to you by revealing more of His truth to you through His Son.
*Reflection
We all have things that get us excited. But are they the same things that get Jesus excited? What kind of kingdom celebrations should really jazz our spirits?
For me, I know that I think the most exciting thing I get to celebrate in God's kingdom is seeing Christ save someone. Seeing them recognize in those moments that Christ is calling to them, and that they know in their hearts it is where they should be. There is more beauty in a single person being saved than all the nebulas in the universe.
I rejoice when I know two people have been brought together through God, to be a holy union of His way here on Earth. There's been a lot of that going around as of late amongst my friends, and it fills my heart with warmth to no measurable end, knowing that not only has Christ brought them together, but that they recognize it is through Christ whom which their love for one another lies.
I rejoice when I hear acts of healing or of goodwill towards those who are less fortunate.I rejoice when a friend has a moment of clarity when a Word from God, be it scripture or a message delivered to them through some other means, when that Word clicks in them and they "get it", so to speak. There's nothing like realizing you not only understand the message, but you HEAR it. Let those with eyes see, let those with ears hear.
Praise Jesus indeed. Amen
Stop & Consider
"In that same hour He rejoiced in the Holy Spirit and said, 'I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth." (v. 21)
1. Hw much fun is it to see Jesus enthusiastically worshiping with His disciples? How does that square with your view of Him and HIs public demeanor?
Well, it squares perfectly. Jesus knew His status/standing as above all else, but He showed us how to be humble and submit to God through His example of praise and worship. So of course when you hear Jesus rejoicing that things have happened in the power of the Holy Spirit, it shouldn't come as a shock of any sort.
If you think of Jesus, walking around, doing miracles, kicking the enemy's backside, and bringing the Good News of God to all those who could hear, Jesus was both messenger and savior. He just went about His business, doing what He knew needed to be done.
I just watched a movie last night, and there's this quote I remember from it.
"I wasn't high. I wasn't wired. Just clear. I knew what I needed to do and how to do it."
Jesus wasn't a cook. He wasn't some crazy philosopher, spouting nonsense. He IS the Son of God. He knew what He needed to do, and how He needed to do it. And since scripture teaches us, in all things have thanksgiving to the Lord and rejoice, it would have been wrong for Him to have not been happy and enthused at knowing what was needed to be done was getting done.
2. How much a part of your life is worship and spiritual celebrations?
Hmm, well. Almost every day I'd say, I'm praising God for something wonderful He's blessed my life with, through my relationship with Christ. Just yesterday I was praising a friend whom God blessed into the union of marriage. I was blessing and rejoicing another friend whose marriage I will be attending. And I was praising God for the job I'd just been blessed with.
I sometimes sing in the car the praises of the Lord. A song will come on the radio, and I'll take the beat and change out the words to celebrating and rejoicing for God is good and deserving of all praise.
I don't necessarily know how much of my life is worship. I'm not even sure what that word truly means. Yes, there's the definition. But is worship an act? Is it a way of life? Is it both?
Is my worship of God through living in Him and striving to do right by Him, and bringing Him every one of my concerns, thoughts, weaknesses, etc? If that's the case, I could worship better, because there are still times or some things we, as humans, have a hard time letting go of. Yet that doesn't mean I'm not striving for that.
My worship to God consists of moving towards Him every day. Looking to live as He would want me, with His will as my will. I understand I make mistakes. And I understand I can't stop myself from making them. What I can do, though, is make sure that when they happen, I'm giving them over to God, for they're not something I have the power to fix. It is His power that fixes. I've been entrusted with the power of God, but I know that I only go so far, and that sometimes, we don't want to fix those things, yet if we do that, we do a disservice to Him by holding on to that which we know we can't fix, and aren't yet willing to give up.
Focus on coming closer to God, and God will focus on coming closer to you by revealing more of His truth to you through His Son.
*Reflection
We all have things that get us excited. But are they the same things that get Jesus excited? What kind of kingdom celebrations should really jazz our spirits?
For me, I know that I think the most exciting thing I get to celebrate in God's kingdom is seeing Christ save someone. Seeing them recognize in those moments that Christ is calling to them, and that they know in their hearts it is where they should be. There is more beauty in a single person being saved than all the nebulas in the universe.
I rejoice when I know two people have been brought together through God, to be a holy union of His way here on Earth. There's been a lot of that going around as of late amongst my friends, and it fills my heart with warmth to no measurable end, knowing that not only has Christ brought them together, but that they recognize it is through Christ whom which their love for one another lies.
I rejoice when I hear acts of healing or of goodwill towards those who are less fortunate.I rejoice when a friend has a moment of clarity when a Word from God, be it scripture or a message delivered to them through some other means, when that Word clicks in them and they "get it", so to speak. There's nothing like realizing you not only understand the message, but you HEAR it. Let those with eyes see, let those with ears hear.
Praise Jesus indeed. Amen
Monday, July 18, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus...Day 52...
(action points Luke 10:1-16)
Consider "whoever listens to you listens to Me. Whoever rejects you rejects Me. And whoever rejects Me rejects the One who sent Me"(v.16)
1. In what ways do you experience rejection or disapproval because of your relationship with Jesus Christ?
I don't truly know if I've yet to experience that type of disapproval, as most of the people who've been involved in my life as of the last two years have been those who had a positive view of the Lord or were they themselves followers of Christ.
I would say perhaps I may have experienced some forms of rejection from people who are struggling in their life right now, struggling with their placement in knowing and wondering why the things that befall their life do so in the way they do. And sometimes, when talking to those people, I know that I can't just say "yeah, but Jesus loves you."
Don't mistake this with me thinking Jesus cannot do anything at anytime. Think of it more as knowing that I know Jesus doesn't want me to force Him upon anyone, doesn't want me to sit there and say "look,here's the answer, you need to listen." Recently, I've been coming to the conclusion that a lot of the power of Christ comes from Him listening to us, willing to hear all the woes of our heart, allowing us to have the ills of our life be poured out before Him, and He will listen with resoluteness. For if He never listens, and always just instructs, how can He ever learn? All of His knowledge comes from God, and He learned this.
A friend told me in these past few months that when someone comes to them and reveals an issue/problem/point of sadness in their life, the first thing she tells them isn't "Jesus saves," or "God is the answer," or tries to minister to them. She simply says "I'm sorry".
Right now, I just thought of this moment from Apollo 13, when Tom Hanks' Jim Lovell is talking to his little boy about how long it would take to the moon. And the boy asks him if he knew the people in the fire, referring to an incident from early in the space program and how a whole shuttle crew died in a fire because the door wouldn't work.
And when his boy asks about it, you can see on Tom's face that this small event has made his son worry about his father, has clearly impacted his thoughts and life because it was something he knew about. And Tom says "well let me tell you something about that fire. A lot of things went wrong." His lip quivers and he almost catches himself in a moment where he himself will feel emotion, but he powers through it, because right then, he's supposed to be strong for his son.
It's the same way with Christ and man. Christ is strong for us because we are not strong. But not everyone knows Christ, and in that moment when they are hurting and weak, telling them "I'm sorry" is the best approach, in my view, because you are acknowledging their pain, you're letting them know that you're right there for them, willing to listen to all they have to say, without judgement, without forming opinions.
I wish I could tell those people right now in my life, who I know are going through major trials, some who reject God, I wish they could know that I, like I believe Christ is, feels for them. That I may not know what they are going through exactly, but that I understand what it means to them.
But sometimes, they reject Christ. They reject you, because they see you're operating and taking your cues from a different place in your life. This sometimes can lead to a sense of anger or bitterness, a sense of the clouds rolling back in and covering the sunlight up.
My friends, I'm sorry for your pain. I want you to know I am here for you. I listen because Christ listens. I give myself because He gave Himself.
Yet I know not everyone will accept that. To them, Christ, and in some way, I, end up becoming another source of that pain. This, all too often, is the way of the world. And as I know, the way of the world is not the way of the Lord.
2. What are some of the hardest parts of this to deal with? Why is being misunderstood such a normal place for Christians to be?
Lol, I should have looked at both questions before answering them, as I think I pretty much summed this one up in my words above.
We are not of the world. We are not of its ways. We do not conform because we cannot conform. It goes against what we are taught. And so, in knowing this, the enemy uses that to his advantage, and does his best to come at us from any and all angles, attacking our emotions, making it difficult for us to be, frankly, taken seriously.
How I wish things could be easier. How I hope we didn't have to go through this. But if things truly were easier, Christ would have not needed to lie down, because His message would have been accepted and treasured by all.
Instead, when the day of Judgement comes, all will bow, whether they want to or not, when it is (I believe) the wish of the Father for all to bow willingly.
Be the Kingdom. Amen.
Consider "whoever listens to you listens to Me. Whoever rejects you rejects Me. And whoever rejects Me rejects the One who sent Me"(v.16)
1. In what ways do you experience rejection or disapproval because of your relationship with Jesus Christ?
I don't truly know if I've yet to experience that type of disapproval, as most of the people who've been involved in my life as of the last two years have been those who had a positive view of the Lord or were they themselves followers of Christ.
I would say perhaps I may have experienced some forms of rejection from people who are struggling in their life right now, struggling with their placement in knowing and wondering why the things that befall their life do so in the way they do. And sometimes, when talking to those people, I know that I can't just say "yeah, but Jesus loves you."
Don't mistake this with me thinking Jesus cannot do anything at anytime. Think of it more as knowing that I know Jesus doesn't want me to force Him upon anyone, doesn't want me to sit there and say "look,here's the answer, you need to listen." Recently, I've been coming to the conclusion that a lot of the power of Christ comes from Him listening to us, willing to hear all the woes of our heart, allowing us to have the ills of our life be poured out before Him, and He will listen with resoluteness. For if He never listens, and always just instructs, how can He ever learn? All of His knowledge comes from God, and He learned this.
A friend told me in these past few months that when someone comes to them and reveals an issue/problem/point of sadness in their life, the first thing she tells them isn't "Jesus saves," or "God is the answer," or tries to minister to them. She simply says "I'm sorry".
Right now, I just thought of this moment from Apollo 13, when Tom Hanks' Jim Lovell is talking to his little boy about how long it would take to the moon. And the boy asks him if he knew the people in the fire, referring to an incident from early in the space program and how a whole shuttle crew died in a fire because the door wouldn't work.
And when his boy asks about it, you can see on Tom's face that this small event has made his son worry about his father, has clearly impacted his thoughts and life because it was something he knew about. And Tom says "well let me tell you something about that fire. A lot of things went wrong." His lip quivers and he almost catches himself in a moment where he himself will feel emotion, but he powers through it, because right then, he's supposed to be strong for his son.
It's the same way with Christ and man. Christ is strong for us because we are not strong. But not everyone knows Christ, and in that moment when they are hurting and weak, telling them "I'm sorry" is the best approach, in my view, because you are acknowledging their pain, you're letting them know that you're right there for them, willing to listen to all they have to say, without judgement, without forming opinions.
I wish I could tell those people right now in my life, who I know are going through major trials, some who reject God, I wish they could know that I, like I believe Christ is, feels for them. That I may not know what they are going through exactly, but that I understand what it means to them.
But sometimes, they reject Christ. They reject you, because they see you're operating and taking your cues from a different place in your life. This sometimes can lead to a sense of anger or bitterness, a sense of the clouds rolling back in and covering the sunlight up.
My friends, I'm sorry for your pain. I want you to know I am here for you. I listen because Christ listens. I give myself because He gave Himself.
Yet I know not everyone will accept that. To them, Christ, and in some way, I, end up becoming another source of that pain. This, all too often, is the way of the world. And as I know, the way of the world is not the way of the Lord.
2. What are some of the hardest parts of this to deal with? Why is being misunderstood such a normal place for Christians to be?
Lol, I should have looked at both questions before answering them, as I think I pretty much summed this one up in my words above.
We are not of the world. We are not of its ways. We do not conform because we cannot conform. It goes against what we are taught. And so, in knowing this, the enemy uses that to his advantage, and does his best to come at us from any and all angles, attacking our emotions, making it difficult for us to be, frankly, taken seriously.
How I wish things could be easier. How I hope we didn't have to go through this. But if things truly were easier, Christ would have not needed to lie down, because His message would have been accepted and treasured by all.
Instead, when the day of Judgement comes, all will bow, whether they want to or not, when it is (I believe) the wish of the Father for all to bow willingly.
Be the Kingdom. Amen.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 51
(action points Luke 9:51-56)
Consider- When the disciples James and John saw this, they said, "Lord, do you want us to call down fire from heaven to consume them?" (v.54)
Try to describe spiritual pride in its most awful terms. What does it look like in others? What does it look like in you?
What surprises many people to hear, and what surprised me when I heard it as well, was that during World War II, most members of the Nazi Party we Christians. They believed in God. They believed in Jesus Christ.
And with that belief, they believed as well that what actions they were taking were justified, that they had God's favor upon them.
When we hear of such things, it's almost unbelievable to us. To think a human being could commit such acts, and yet, at the same time, be a believer in Jesus Christ. It was clear they were misguided, but driven by so much pride in Nationalism and belief that they were the long-lost descendants of a 'master race', that there was justification in their minds for all the things they did.
So often, in this country, I hear stories of Christian pride, or Christian Nationalism, even Christian fascism. As a great quote once implied "When Fascism comes to America, it will be be draped in the flag and carrying a cross."
All too often, we hear stories of how brothers and sisters in Christ twist and distort His word, how they mold it or take a single piece of scripture and seek to encompass everything it means to be a follower of Christ from one simple verse. To be sure, that's like you taking my eyeball from me, presenting it to someone, and saying "this is Tim. Either accept that as truth or be lost."
I see pride everyday among Christians who seem to only focus on homosexuality, and wish to eradicate it, wipe it out, make sure all those evil sinners are judged for their wicked ways. Judgement comes from God, and God alone. We, as Christians, have no right to judge anyone's life. We are even told it is a sin for us to make judgements on our fellow men.
The author of this 90 day journal makes a wonderful point-
"Oh, God, give us a longing-not for the sin of this world to be judged-but for the sinners of this world to be forgiven."
Sadly, I don't see much evidence in the country, throughout the Christian faith, in dealing with forgiveness. I see Christians making judgements on anything that doesn't fit their truth.
Problem is, it isn't their truth, no more than it's my truth, or your truth. It is the truth of Christ to be listened to, none other.
I never hear Christians up in arms talking about the adultery problem in this country. By which I mean, the Word instructs us if a man or woman divorces and remarries, they are living in adultery. Yet, I know many Christian men and women who have married, divorced, and re-married, though I never hear preaching in the pulpit about curing these people, or having fundraisers and sit-down meetings to deal with the "re-married" problem.
Christ tells us simply, plainly, and truly. Love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor as yourself, as I have loved you. As the Pastor who's been speaking on the Book of Revelation last week pointed out, I would not wish hell or eternal damnation on the worst of my enemies. To wish, pray, or hope that another soul would forever be separated from God is as far from being a Christian is as the south pole is to the north. Leave the word in the ears of all those who we come in contact with, and God will take care of the rest. If the person hears, they hear. If the person rejects, they reject. It is my obligation to love them still, and pray that they may come to know His ways as I have come to(and am still learning to) know them.
Gauge your heart right now for the lost and unbelieving. What would it take to quicken in you an urgency for sharing Christ and grieving over others' souls?
I sometimes imagine and wonder if God or Christ ever gets impatient and wants to say "screw this. Let them die then." But I know that's just my little human brain trying to find a way to connect with how I think God would think.
I have several friends in my life who I know do not believe in Christ. Not only do some not believe in Him, but some openly hate what He stands for, believing it is Him who is at the root of all their suffering. And it pains my heart and soul to no end to know they willingly reject Christ. I'm not talking about the Christian faith, the words of scripture, or how one should live a life of righteousness.
I'm talking about just talking to Christ. Being willing to say to yourself "okay. I want to tell you some things. I know you're listening. Can I just talk with you for a moment." Talk to Him. Don't be afraid to tell Him your hate towards Him, your pain and judgements you have against Him.
I hated God. I hated Christ. I hated the very idea that some being, some grand being, could say I was made because I was loved. That there was someone/something up there who was all love, yet I found no love in the world.
But because I actively sought Him, even perhaps without knowing I actively sought Him (I mean come on, I was going to Church, and talking to people, but looking for God? Naaaah not me), and I learned from Him and through Him that if you truly seek Him out, He will find you.
I know there are people who read this blog, who see these words, who hear my thoughts. I am not perfect. I fuck up. I make mistakes. I get things wrong. I sometimes still have problems in believing I can amount to anything, or that I'm a good person.
But I know, at the end of each day, at the beginning of each sunrise, and with each breath I take, Jesus Christ is there, ready to take me in love, ready to share with me the gift I'd been so long-ago given by Him without ever knowing it.
I can't tell you to believe in Jesus. I can't tell you to believe in God. But I can tell you, look for something to believe in. I was looking without even knowing, and Christ showed me that once I believed in Him, there was nothing else I'd never need to seek, nothing else I'd ever need to look for in my life, for He is all that I am, all that I have, and all that I'll ever be.
If you are unsure of God's grace and His power, take my life as an example of His greatness. He measures the span of existence on a thumbnail, and yet I am a greater treasure in His eye than all of that could ever be.
Glory be to Him. Amen
Consider- When the disciples James and John saw this, they said, "Lord, do you want us to call down fire from heaven to consume them?" (v.54)
Try to describe spiritual pride in its most awful terms. What does it look like in others? What does it look like in you?
What surprises many people to hear, and what surprised me when I heard it as well, was that during World War II, most members of the Nazi Party we Christians. They believed in God. They believed in Jesus Christ.
And with that belief, they believed as well that what actions they were taking were justified, that they had God's favor upon them.
When we hear of such things, it's almost unbelievable to us. To think a human being could commit such acts, and yet, at the same time, be a believer in Jesus Christ. It was clear they were misguided, but driven by so much pride in Nationalism and belief that they were the long-lost descendants of a 'master race', that there was justification in their minds for all the things they did.
So often, in this country, I hear stories of Christian pride, or Christian Nationalism, even Christian fascism. As a great quote once implied "When Fascism comes to America, it will be be draped in the flag and carrying a cross."
All too often, we hear stories of how brothers and sisters in Christ twist and distort His word, how they mold it or take a single piece of scripture and seek to encompass everything it means to be a follower of Christ from one simple verse. To be sure, that's like you taking my eyeball from me, presenting it to someone, and saying "this is Tim. Either accept that as truth or be lost."
I see pride everyday among Christians who seem to only focus on homosexuality, and wish to eradicate it, wipe it out, make sure all those evil sinners are judged for their wicked ways. Judgement comes from God, and God alone. We, as Christians, have no right to judge anyone's life. We are even told it is a sin for us to make judgements on our fellow men.
The author of this 90 day journal makes a wonderful point-
"Oh, God, give us a longing-not for the sin of this world to be judged-but for the sinners of this world to be forgiven."
Sadly, I don't see much evidence in the country, throughout the Christian faith, in dealing with forgiveness. I see Christians making judgements on anything that doesn't fit their truth.
Problem is, it isn't their truth, no more than it's my truth, or your truth. It is the truth of Christ to be listened to, none other.
I never hear Christians up in arms talking about the adultery problem in this country. By which I mean, the Word instructs us if a man or woman divorces and remarries, they are living in adultery. Yet, I know many Christian men and women who have married, divorced, and re-married, though I never hear preaching in the pulpit about curing these people, or having fundraisers and sit-down meetings to deal with the "re-married" problem.
Christ tells us simply, plainly, and truly. Love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor as yourself, as I have loved you. As the Pastor who's been speaking on the Book of Revelation last week pointed out, I would not wish hell or eternal damnation on the worst of my enemies. To wish, pray, or hope that another soul would forever be separated from God is as far from being a Christian is as the south pole is to the north. Leave the word in the ears of all those who we come in contact with, and God will take care of the rest. If the person hears, they hear. If the person rejects, they reject. It is my obligation to love them still, and pray that they may come to know His ways as I have come to(and am still learning to) know them.
Gauge your heart right now for the lost and unbelieving. What would it take to quicken in you an urgency for sharing Christ and grieving over others' souls?
I sometimes imagine and wonder if God or Christ ever gets impatient and wants to say "screw this. Let them die then." But I know that's just my little human brain trying to find a way to connect with how I think God would think.
I have several friends in my life who I know do not believe in Christ. Not only do some not believe in Him, but some openly hate what He stands for, believing it is Him who is at the root of all their suffering. And it pains my heart and soul to no end to know they willingly reject Christ. I'm not talking about the Christian faith, the words of scripture, or how one should live a life of righteousness.
I'm talking about just talking to Christ. Being willing to say to yourself "okay. I want to tell you some things. I know you're listening. Can I just talk with you for a moment." Talk to Him. Don't be afraid to tell Him your hate towards Him, your pain and judgements you have against Him.
I hated God. I hated Christ. I hated the very idea that some being, some grand being, could say I was made because I was loved. That there was someone/something up there who was all love, yet I found no love in the world.
But because I actively sought Him, even perhaps without knowing I actively sought Him (I mean come on, I was going to Church, and talking to people, but looking for God? Naaaah not me), and I learned from Him and through Him that if you truly seek Him out, He will find you.
I know there are people who read this blog, who see these words, who hear my thoughts. I am not perfect. I fuck up. I make mistakes. I get things wrong. I sometimes still have problems in believing I can amount to anything, or that I'm a good person.
But I know, at the end of each day, at the beginning of each sunrise, and with each breath I take, Jesus Christ is there, ready to take me in love, ready to share with me the gift I'd been so long-ago given by Him without ever knowing it.
I can't tell you to believe in Jesus. I can't tell you to believe in God. But I can tell you, look for something to believe in. I was looking without even knowing, and Christ showed me that once I believed in Him, there was nothing else I'd never need to seek, nothing else I'd ever need to look for in my life, for He is all that I am, all that I have, and all that I'll ever be.
If you are unsure of God's grace and His power, take my life as an example of His greatness. He measures the span of existence on a thumbnail, and yet I am a greater treasure in His eye than all of that could ever be.
Glory be to Him. Amen
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Should probably give an update, based on what the last post talked about
Those days leading up to my decision were some difficult ones. Let's be honest, that whole last week and a half was a difficult one. I didn't have any jobs lined up, I didn't want to stay at Santa Fe, for fear of relapsing into drugs, depression, or any parts of my past life that have no place in my life now.
It's been a hard thing, though it's been told of us how easy it is, to give yourself up and over to God. To trust something so completely, to accept that God is always there for you, always hears your cries, always hears your pains, always looks over you and will never abandon you. What I hope most of you understand is my life for a long time consisted of no trust of anything, most of all myself. In fact, clearly I still have problems with trusting myself, seeing as how I took that job at the first place. Making a decision that ultimately turned out to be the wrong one, but it was my decision, and that showed me, as previously stated, the problem of trusting myself. On this one I deferred to God, because I am not yet strong enough in my walk with him, and it was Him who I had to trust in, in order for things to happen where they are now.
The day after my last post, I called up a job I'd interviewed with the very same day I found out about the Santa Fe job. I'd had a great conversation with my mother, and she reminded me of what our Grandpa used to tell her when you ask for something. "The worst someone can say is no." She told me to call them up, see if they'd be at least willing to listen to me for 10 minutes, if I could explain myself, and what happened. You see, I'd been given a conditional job offer by this company, but it was to wait on a background check; Santa Fe wanted me to start immediately, and so I took their position.
In calling up this new place, Cracker Barrel, I was able to catch the first Manager I interviewed with, a nice woman named Lisa, who was gracious enough to give me a few minutes to talk with her over the phone. She informed me she'd pass along the message to the GM, who wouldn't be in until the next day.
We weren't able to meet until Wednesday, and that morning, I went in, sat down, and have a conversation with him. I simply told him everything that had transpired, the massive amount of hours, the changing of responsibilities, the craziness of the blatant open conversations about drug use, etc., etc. I let him know that I'm in the midst of learning to start my life with God as my center, and that in a place like that, with everything that was going on, along with being accused of stealing, I just couldn't see myself lasting at that job.
I told Micheal that I knew no job offer from him was on the table, as that time had come and passed, but informed him that I wanted to come in and explain everything and let him know why I'd not taken the job that first time. After hearing everything, Micheal gave me another chance.
I was, needless to say, blown away by the grace that was placed before me, and I definitely had feelings of humility at that moment. It was almost unbelievable that I'd gotten the job.
It was at this point my next stop became Santa Fe. What's strange, and I know this may sound funny, is as I walked in to find a manager, I felt like everyone was looking at me. Like eyes were watching me. As if, and I know this is going to sound funny, but it felt as if the enemy's eye was upon me in every glare, every glance that beheld me. But I felt something inside me saying "have no fear". I mean that. It was like I was floating through a dream where each face that gazed on me hid some type of evil, ready to spring forth at a moments' notice. I know this all sounds dramatic and intense, but it truly is what I felt when I went in there. One could perhaps even say the enemy knew I was turning my back on him, taking myself further away from his grasp.
In the book of James, we're told "submit yourselves to God, and the devil will flee." I believe the devil was trying a last ditch effort to get me to want to somehow stay there, and in my submission, he was pissed, like he always is, that I didn't bow to him.
And so, I explained to the Manager there everything that had been going on, and how I'd been informed by one of the people I worked with that they were trying to right their ship. I told him I myself am trying to right my ship, and that means I need to do what's best for me. Please don't get me wrong in what I described above as implying these people I worked with were all a bunch of evil blasphemers or whathaveyou. They are people, just like me. Facing life, just like me. I don't hate any of them, I don't hold any ill-will towards them. But my life in Christ, under God, is where all priority lies. He understood this, and shook my hand, wished me the best.
That day was filled, after that point, with a lot of emotional roller coasters as well. Some things happened that were on pretty much the most opposite sides of the spectrum that you could find, and though they didn't happen to me, they were in my friends' lives, and those people are a part of my life, so what affects them affects me. I am happy to say I was able to take all the things that happened in that day and give thanks to the Lord for everything.
I'm still learning about all this. There are many things the Lord still has to show me. But what I learned most about this experience is that everything that happens in my life, every single thing, should be taken to the Lord.
I used to think things were too small to bother God with. Used to think that you've gotta figure things out all on your own, and that God isn't there. But if you submit, if you are willing to go to Him with anything, He WILL be there for you. Even if you can't feel His presence, even if you think He's not listening, He is there. He is always there.
And He will always love you. Because. He. Is. Love.
Amen.
It's been a hard thing, though it's been told of us how easy it is, to give yourself up and over to God. To trust something so completely, to accept that God is always there for you, always hears your cries, always hears your pains, always looks over you and will never abandon you. What I hope most of you understand is my life for a long time consisted of no trust of anything, most of all myself. In fact, clearly I still have problems with trusting myself, seeing as how I took that job at the first place. Making a decision that ultimately turned out to be the wrong one, but it was my decision, and that showed me, as previously stated, the problem of trusting myself. On this one I deferred to God, because I am not yet strong enough in my walk with him, and it was Him who I had to trust in, in order for things to happen where they are now.
The day after my last post, I called up a job I'd interviewed with the very same day I found out about the Santa Fe job. I'd had a great conversation with my mother, and she reminded me of what our Grandpa used to tell her when you ask for something. "The worst someone can say is no." She told me to call them up, see if they'd be at least willing to listen to me for 10 minutes, if I could explain myself, and what happened. You see, I'd been given a conditional job offer by this company, but it was to wait on a background check; Santa Fe wanted me to start immediately, and so I took their position.
In calling up this new place, Cracker Barrel, I was able to catch the first Manager I interviewed with, a nice woman named Lisa, who was gracious enough to give me a few minutes to talk with her over the phone. She informed me she'd pass along the message to the GM, who wouldn't be in until the next day.
We weren't able to meet until Wednesday, and that morning, I went in, sat down, and have a conversation with him. I simply told him everything that had transpired, the massive amount of hours, the changing of responsibilities, the craziness of the blatant open conversations about drug use, etc., etc. I let him know that I'm in the midst of learning to start my life with God as my center, and that in a place like that, with everything that was going on, along with being accused of stealing, I just couldn't see myself lasting at that job.
I told Micheal that I knew no job offer from him was on the table, as that time had come and passed, but informed him that I wanted to come in and explain everything and let him know why I'd not taken the job that first time. After hearing everything, Micheal gave me another chance.
I was, needless to say, blown away by the grace that was placed before me, and I definitely had feelings of humility at that moment. It was almost unbelievable that I'd gotten the job.
It was at this point my next stop became Santa Fe. What's strange, and I know this may sound funny, is as I walked in to find a manager, I felt like everyone was looking at me. Like eyes were watching me. As if, and I know this is going to sound funny, but it felt as if the enemy's eye was upon me in every glare, every glance that beheld me. But I felt something inside me saying "have no fear". I mean that. It was like I was floating through a dream where each face that gazed on me hid some type of evil, ready to spring forth at a moments' notice. I know this all sounds dramatic and intense, but it truly is what I felt when I went in there. One could perhaps even say the enemy knew I was turning my back on him, taking myself further away from his grasp.
In the book of James, we're told "submit yourselves to God, and the devil will flee." I believe the devil was trying a last ditch effort to get me to want to somehow stay there, and in my submission, he was pissed, like he always is, that I didn't bow to him.
And so, I explained to the Manager there everything that had been going on, and how I'd been informed by one of the people I worked with that they were trying to right their ship. I told him I myself am trying to right my ship, and that means I need to do what's best for me. Please don't get me wrong in what I described above as implying these people I worked with were all a bunch of evil blasphemers or whathaveyou. They are people, just like me. Facing life, just like me. I don't hate any of them, I don't hold any ill-will towards them. But my life in Christ, under God, is where all priority lies. He understood this, and shook my hand, wished me the best.
That day was filled, after that point, with a lot of emotional roller coasters as well. Some things happened that were on pretty much the most opposite sides of the spectrum that you could find, and though they didn't happen to me, they were in my friends' lives, and those people are a part of my life, so what affects them affects me. I am happy to say I was able to take all the things that happened in that day and give thanks to the Lord for everything.
I'm still learning about all this. There are many things the Lord still has to show me. But what I learned most about this experience is that everything that happens in my life, every single thing, should be taken to the Lord.
I used to think things were too small to bother God with. Used to think that you've gotta figure things out all on your own, and that God isn't there. But if you submit, if you are willing to go to Him with anything, He WILL be there for you. Even if you can't feel His presence, even if you think He's not listening, He is there. He is always there.
And He will always love you. Because. He. Is. Love.
Amen.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I shouldn't be lost, but it's where I am right now....
So, last night at work I was accused of stealing.
After the store was closed, and I'd been sweeping/mopping/cleaning the floors for what would have been an hour to hour and a half, I was confronted about this. A manager was standing near a few coworkers and they were talking, and I faintly heard one of them say "what's this?", but wasn't paying attention. I heard it again, but the statement (I didn't think) was directed at me as I was mopping the floor.
Finally, I hear a "Timothy! What is this?" I turn around to find the manager there.....oh wait, let me 'splain the layout. I work in a long rectangular grill/cooking area, with a pickup counter along one whole side, the grills and such on the opposite side. The pickup counter sits in front of the server area where they, yes, pick up food. Glad to know you're following so far. I was sweeping up my section, and the manager along with a coworker or two was in the server pickup area.
...getting back to things, I turn to find the manager there, holding/pointing to a plate on the SERVER side of the counter, that had a steak on it that was half eaten, a few bites gone.
Now, since I've been at this job, I've not had the first meal from this place whatsoever. We work straight through and aren't given a meal break, and I don't eat right before work. ALSO, my character/demeanor has given no such impression that I'm of questionable values or deceptive.
Yet here I am, singled out from management, with no base for accusation, and I'm being asked what this steak is, where'd it come from, etc. etc. It's like if I saw a cigarette butt on the ground and decided to walk over and single out one person accusing them of having smoked it, with ZERO evidence on my end.
So, while I'm being embarassed and accused in front of other co-workers of doing something deceptive, I tell her it looks like a steak that someone ate, and I have no idea why I'm being asked about it, since it's not mine and I was nowhere near it, nor had I been doing anything else for the last 90 minutes but mopping a floor.
I was very angry at this, and am still angry at it because I've been accused of something with no reason nor right to do so. I've even come to find out from a co-worker that the other day a manager just straight came at them and asked if they were stealing, again, with no provocation, evidence, or reason.
As I've written to friends or spoken about lately, I've only been at this job for one official week. And each night I've come home, it's been after 12, closer to 1, I've either cried, had some tears, or simply felt defeated. I realized today there was an online bible journal I was doing that started right before I started this job, yet I just now forgot it was there, because I've been so exhausted and unable to find the life in me to want to do anything.
To top things off about last night, AFTER I'd cleaned for nearly 2 hours and 20 minutes, I had the same manager walk around and tell me I was supposed to do x, y, and z. but because I'm new, I wouldn't be knocked much about it.
The only problem is, I've not done those things one single time since I've been there, because those things were held responsible by another worker, someone who's job is different than mine, therefore they have different duties. But as it turns out, what's happened is they've scheduled so many people for overtime, and are getting told to cut down hours, that they sent said person home at a cutoff point, and then looked to lay those cleaning responsibilities on me, without telling me, informing me, or asking if I'd do them. And yet, there I was, being chastised and broken down and being "talked to" about the things I need to take care of and improve on.
I've given everything to this job, in a single week I've been more exhausted than I ever have before, and that's including those times when I was in shape or working construction. I come home with zero energy, zero feelings of goodness, joy, or happiness inside, and am mentally breaking down from the amount of stress that's been forced upon me. And I've never worked as hard, been so depressed/angry/upset/embarassed at job such as I have with this place.
There is only so much a person can take before they breakdown. And I'm afraid that moment will come at any given time in the next few days....
.....in other, unrelated news, my love(or lack thereof) life. I made a vow to God to be celibate recently, within the last month or two. Now, while it's true no one is beating down my door to begin with, there's something I've come to realize about this, and perhaps even myself.
I don't believe I can ever be with a woman, or even have a child of my own, and the reasoning is simple-I would love that woman, or those children, more than I would my Lord. It's a truth, and a painful one at that, but it's the honest truth. I believe if I fell in love with a woman, or had my own child, they would be my utmost priority of all things, even beyond the prayer and faithful devotion I know that I would be rightfully responsible for.
There was a moment during a movie or tv show I've seen in the last few days that sparked this trail of thought in my mind. I can never love God and another human companion or my own child at the same time, because the physical "reality" of the person and the manifestation of love I would be able to give and "see" given back to me, it would keep me from the Lord, and would serve as two masters in my life.
What's more is, just like my drug use in my past, I don't think I could know this truly without having 'loved' those women in my past. I use the quote marks since no love is supposed to exist outside of Christ, but what I had was the closest thing to love I know.
And that love for me, those loves in my past, I can never have that type of love again.
Everyone says 'be strong, Tim. You are with the Lord, and the Lord is with you', as if I'm not strong right now.
I have news, guys and dolls.
Sometimes, especially for me, being strong is showing my weaknesses and failures. In my past, I would have kept all these feelings and emotions from ever touching the surface, believing that was strength.
Right now I'm as strong as I can be.....and that's because in this moment, I'm at a heavy weak point in my life.
God, where are you?
After the store was closed, and I'd been sweeping/mopping/cleaning the floors for what would have been an hour to hour and a half, I was confronted about this. A manager was standing near a few coworkers and they were talking, and I faintly heard one of them say "what's this?", but wasn't paying attention. I heard it again, but the statement (I didn't think) was directed at me as I was mopping the floor.
Finally, I hear a "Timothy! What is this?" I turn around to find the manager there.....oh wait, let me 'splain the layout. I work in a long rectangular grill/cooking area, with a pickup counter along one whole side, the grills and such on the opposite side. The pickup counter sits in front of the server area where they, yes, pick up food. Glad to know you're following so far. I was sweeping up my section, and the manager along with a coworker or two was in the server pickup area.
...getting back to things, I turn to find the manager there, holding/pointing to a plate on the SERVER side of the counter, that had a steak on it that was half eaten, a few bites gone.
Now, since I've been at this job, I've not had the first meal from this place whatsoever. We work straight through and aren't given a meal break, and I don't eat right before work. ALSO, my character/demeanor has given no such impression that I'm of questionable values or deceptive.
Yet here I am, singled out from management, with no base for accusation, and I'm being asked what this steak is, where'd it come from, etc. etc. It's like if I saw a cigarette butt on the ground and decided to walk over and single out one person accusing them of having smoked it, with ZERO evidence on my end.
So, while I'm being embarassed and accused in front of other co-workers of doing something deceptive, I tell her it looks like a steak that someone ate, and I have no idea why I'm being asked about it, since it's not mine and I was nowhere near it, nor had I been doing anything else for the last 90 minutes but mopping a floor.
I was very angry at this, and am still angry at it because I've been accused of something with no reason nor right to do so. I've even come to find out from a co-worker that the other day a manager just straight came at them and asked if they were stealing, again, with no provocation, evidence, or reason.
As I've written to friends or spoken about lately, I've only been at this job for one official week. And each night I've come home, it's been after 12, closer to 1, I've either cried, had some tears, or simply felt defeated. I realized today there was an online bible journal I was doing that started right before I started this job, yet I just now forgot it was there, because I've been so exhausted and unable to find the life in me to want to do anything.
To top things off about last night, AFTER I'd cleaned for nearly 2 hours and 20 minutes, I had the same manager walk around and tell me I was supposed to do x, y, and z. but because I'm new, I wouldn't be knocked much about it.
The only problem is, I've not done those things one single time since I've been there, because those things were held responsible by another worker, someone who's job is different than mine, therefore they have different duties. But as it turns out, what's happened is they've scheduled so many people for overtime, and are getting told to cut down hours, that they sent said person home at a cutoff point, and then looked to lay those cleaning responsibilities on me, without telling me, informing me, or asking if I'd do them. And yet, there I was, being chastised and broken down and being "talked to" about the things I need to take care of and improve on.
I've given everything to this job, in a single week I've been more exhausted than I ever have before, and that's including those times when I was in shape or working construction. I come home with zero energy, zero feelings of goodness, joy, or happiness inside, and am mentally breaking down from the amount of stress that's been forced upon me. And I've never worked as hard, been so depressed/angry/upset/embarassed at job such as I have with this place.
There is only so much a person can take before they breakdown. And I'm afraid that moment will come at any given time in the next few days....
.....in other, unrelated news, my love(or lack thereof) life. I made a vow to God to be celibate recently, within the last month or two. Now, while it's true no one is beating down my door to begin with, there's something I've come to realize about this, and perhaps even myself.
I don't believe I can ever be with a woman, or even have a child of my own, and the reasoning is simple-I would love that woman, or those children, more than I would my Lord. It's a truth, and a painful one at that, but it's the honest truth. I believe if I fell in love with a woman, or had my own child, they would be my utmost priority of all things, even beyond the prayer and faithful devotion I know that I would be rightfully responsible for.
There was a moment during a movie or tv show I've seen in the last few days that sparked this trail of thought in my mind. I can never love God and another human companion or my own child at the same time, because the physical "reality" of the person and the manifestation of love I would be able to give and "see" given back to me, it would keep me from the Lord, and would serve as two masters in my life.
What's more is, just like my drug use in my past, I don't think I could know this truly without having 'loved' those women in my past. I use the quote marks since no love is supposed to exist outside of Christ, but what I had was the closest thing to love I know.
And that love for me, those loves in my past, I can never have that type of love again.
Everyone says 'be strong, Tim. You are with the Lord, and the Lord is with you', as if I'm not strong right now.
I have news, guys and dolls.
Sometimes, especially for me, being strong is showing my weaknesses and failures. In my past, I would have kept all these feelings and emotions from ever touching the surface, believing that was strength.
Right now I'm as strong as I can be.....and that's because in this moment, I'm at a heavy weak point in my life.
God, where are you?
Monday, July 4, 2011
Feelings on my first day...
So, I started my first official day today as Saturday was just orientation and filling out paperwork. I'd expected tonight to be somewhat slow as it's the 4th of July and most people would probably be out celebrating with families and watching fireworks displays.
I started off in the kitchen area, assembly area, where most of the food is prepped/cooked. It's on a line of about 20 feet, so there's a few different sections, with a few different employees working each section (i.e. cook, fry cook, etc.). The guys I worked with were friendly and funny, and the servers were also friendly as well, though the interaction was less between them.
But, with all that being said, there were a few things that made me feel uneasy, one moreso than the other. First, most of the staff used a decent amount of swearing. I don't mean just a shit or damnit or the like, but more like the F-bombs and like-minded words. What's worse is I found myself also dropping the f-bombs or like-minded words when joking around or talking, and I didn't like that. It's not how I speak anymore, and it's so easy to fall into when things are busy and everyone else is letting the language fly, that sometimes I tend to just not pay attention to myself and revert back to the old Tim.
The second, and more immediate issue, is how I felt treated with regards to a manager. From how it's been explained to me, there are 4 or 5 managers at this location. 2 for the kitchen/Back of House, one for the Servers/Front of House, one overall manager, and one general manager. The issue lies with the front of house manager.
You see, when I first went in a few weeks ago to pick up an application, as I was told they were hiring for everything, this was the manager who first met me, as they are the FOH manager. I can't say we really interviewed, but I can say we spoke for maybe less than 4 minutes. During that time, she'd informed me that I was too overqualified, adding that this is the slow season, and there wouldn't be many hours to begin with.
With respect, when you have someone who is the first person a potential employee would be meeting, when your company is advertising they are hiring, it doesn't exactly give a warm and welcome vibe when you're basically told you're too good to work for us, and we don't really have that many hours to give, and it's going to be really slow. I've hired individuals before, many times, and never would I look to tell someone who came in looking for a job that even though they know I'm offering, I'm gonna do everything I can to undersell that fact. It was as if they were attempting to say "I'm not interested in you". So with that, I'd dropped off my application and resume.
Around a week later, I'd called to speak with this manager again, as theirs was the only name I knew at the time. When we spoke, I was informed that I wasn't being considered for server, but that my application had been given to the BOH/kitchen manager to review. Even though I'd informed this manager that I'd had the least amount of experience as a cook, and more experience in every other position. This should have been my second clue that this person was not interested in hiring me.
A few days after that, I'd finally managed to get the BOH manager on the phone, and they'd agreed to interview me. However; when we met, and I introduced myself, they informed me they'd never heard from me nor did they remember getting my application and resume. So we interviewed, and I was told it would be passed on the GM for a second interview, whereupon I was hired by the GM.
Today, being my first official full day, as I was picking up a work shirt so I could change, the original manager who I felt was not interested in me whatsoever saw me and had this look of.....I dunno, I can't explain the look really. But you know what I mean when a person has that look on their face like "oh. you're here." or something similar? That was the look I'd felt from this manager.
Flash forward to the shift. I was enjoying the new coworkers I'd had, who were all in the kitchen on the line, and they were showing me things, explaining what to do and not to do, explaining how to make this that et cetera. Things were going fine.
Now, as it happens, we started getting heavy rainfall tonight, so there was a decent crowd of people who showed up and so things got hectic and busy. Because there was so much involved in the prep process, from checking the ticket, to making sure it's american and not provolone, or things of that like, the person who was training me was fine with me sort of standing back, watching how the process works when they're busy, and was having me take care of little things here and there when I was asked to.
As I said, we had gotten our rush, and were running behind on plate times (from the time the ticket comes in to the plate going out) by around 7-10 minutes. To have a trainee set on a line when you're running 10 minutes behind and double checking them would have led to an even greater slow down. So, at this point, here comes the FOH/server manager (who is in charge of the servers and not the kitchen), comes over to the person training me and says, with a really condescending demeanor "I just don't see how Tim's going to learn anything by standing there."
Prior to that statement, the trainer and I had talked about what it's like to work there, how we got the job, who's friendly and whathaveyou. I told them how my application process seemed to take a while, and they knew exactly how I felt, and had said it taken them a while too. But, when the FOH came up to them and made that comment, they turned around, and in a half-joking, half-serious manner said "you're not the kitchen manager and not in charge of how I train him. This isn't even your section. We got busy and I told Tim to stand back for a while and just help with the small stuff, but observe what we're all doing at the same time. Besides, you only seem to come by and notice Tim standing right after he's actually done something for me." All of this was said in the semi-relaxed, loud witty banter manner that you find in a kitchen, but the point was made and made rightly-the FOH is in charge of the servers, NOT of the kitchen.
The best way I can liken it is if I work in a construction company, I may be an engineering supervisor and may hold a higher title and know policies and procedures, but it's not any of my concern nor my repsonsibility to go check up on the construction department and seeing how they are training the installers. While the FOH is indeed a manager, and would by default be a superior, they are not immediately responsible for the goings-on of a department that is not theirs. Also, considering the fact that there was not only a trainer training me, but the 2nd kitchen manager was on shift, on the grill, next to me, and had not a single moment of issue with my observing how things are and helping when needed. So what prerogitive did it serve to have such a perjorative manner with me?
No less than I'd say 10, maaaybe 15 minutes went by, when the FOH manager hollered to my trainer that I could go. As I was walking towards the timeclock to punch-out, the FOH is standing there, and with basically what I can only describe as a stone face of emotion says "so when are you coming back?", really condescendingly. I politely told them I was only informed to show up today at 4, and had no idea when I was supposed to be back. It was at that time the manager, not the gm, but the manager, said to come back tomorrow at 4.
I enjoyed everything about the job today and felt like I could do it, and have fun with it, if I was given a good solid week of training, and not just dropped into something. I believe that I have capable people who are willing to train me, and I get along with them well. Yet it was this single person, who holds a position of power over me, that left me feeling upset inside, along with feelings of unwelcomeness and the potential for my being singled out about anything, regardless of what that thing may be.
Y'know, I'd been offered a position at Cracker Barrel, which would have paid more as well, all pending a background check. I was offered this position background check free, and just told to come in the next day and that I was hired. I didn't want to jump at the Cracker Barrel job, for fear of just going after the dollar, and serving the master of money instead of working a position that I would enjoy, where I could grow and be fruitful.
And while Santa Fe may seem to fit my personality so well, part of me wonders if it's the personality or person from my past it fits so well, and not the person who I am now. I believed that maybe the Cracker Barrel job wasn't where I was supposed to be, and Santa Fe was, due to the seeming enthusiasm from the GM when they interviewed me and gave me the feeling of being appreciated and welcomed.
Yet here I am now, the end of my first day of work, with what was supposed to be a happy and fun experience, and I feel sad inside. I will pray again to Father tonight about the situation, and ask Him to take such feelings of anxiety, fear, an apprehension from my heart, as I prayed to Him on the way home.
But I cannot ignore my feelings. For so long, it's all I did. Deny what I felt inside and look for the easy way out or ignoring those feelings. God has graced my heart to know I can come to Him with anything, and so this really is something I lay at His feet.
So many times, have I always said "welp, right now, this moment, this place, this experience, this emotion. this is exactly where you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to be, and how you are supposed to be", and I accepted that logic. Yet, I've come to realize that not everything in our lives are what God chose for us, are the paths He laid out beneath us so that we may walk in His ways.
All I'm left feeling tonight, right now, is this honest emotion-God, did I make a mistake, and choose from myself or from you?
I started off in the kitchen area, assembly area, where most of the food is prepped/cooked. It's on a line of about 20 feet, so there's a few different sections, with a few different employees working each section (i.e. cook, fry cook, etc.). The guys I worked with were friendly and funny, and the servers were also friendly as well, though the interaction was less between them.
But, with all that being said, there were a few things that made me feel uneasy, one moreso than the other. First, most of the staff used a decent amount of swearing. I don't mean just a shit or damnit or the like, but more like the F-bombs and like-minded words. What's worse is I found myself also dropping the f-bombs or like-minded words when joking around or talking, and I didn't like that. It's not how I speak anymore, and it's so easy to fall into when things are busy and everyone else is letting the language fly, that sometimes I tend to just not pay attention to myself and revert back to the old Tim.
The second, and more immediate issue, is how I felt treated with regards to a manager. From how it's been explained to me, there are 4 or 5 managers at this location. 2 for the kitchen/Back of House, one for the Servers/Front of House, one overall manager, and one general manager. The issue lies with the front of house manager.
You see, when I first went in a few weeks ago to pick up an application, as I was told they were hiring for everything, this was the manager who first met me, as they are the FOH manager. I can't say we really interviewed, but I can say we spoke for maybe less than 4 minutes. During that time, she'd informed me that I was too overqualified, adding that this is the slow season, and there wouldn't be many hours to begin with.
With respect, when you have someone who is the first person a potential employee would be meeting, when your company is advertising they are hiring, it doesn't exactly give a warm and welcome vibe when you're basically told you're too good to work for us, and we don't really have that many hours to give, and it's going to be really slow. I've hired individuals before, many times, and never would I look to tell someone who came in looking for a job that even though they know I'm offering, I'm gonna do everything I can to undersell that fact. It was as if they were attempting to say "I'm not interested in you". So with that, I'd dropped off my application and resume.
Around a week later, I'd called to speak with this manager again, as theirs was the only name I knew at the time. When we spoke, I was informed that I wasn't being considered for server, but that my application had been given to the BOH/kitchen manager to review. Even though I'd informed this manager that I'd had the least amount of experience as a cook, and more experience in every other position. This should have been my second clue that this person was not interested in hiring me.
A few days after that, I'd finally managed to get the BOH manager on the phone, and they'd agreed to interview me. However; when we met, and I introduced myself, they informed me they'd never heard from me nor did they remember getting my application and resume. So we interviewed, and I was told it would be passed on the GM for a second interview, whereupon I was hired by the GM.
Today, being my first official full day, as I was picking up a work shirt so I could change, the original manager who I felt was not interested in me whatsoever saw me and had this look of.....I dunno, I can't explain the look really. But you know what I mean when a person has that look on their face like "oh. you're here." or something similar? That was the look I'd felt from this manager.
Flash forward to the shift. I was enjoying the new coworkers I'd had, who were all in the kitchen on the line, and they were showing me things, explaining what to do and not to do, explaining how to make this that et cetera. Things were going fine.
Now, as it happens, we started getting heavy rainfall tonight, so there was a decent crowd of people who showed up and so things got hectic and busy. Because there was so much involved in the prep process, from checking the ticket, to making sure it's american and not provolone, or things of that like, the person who was training me was fine with me sort of standing back, watching how the process works when they're busy, and was having me take care of little things here and there when I was asked to.
As I said, we had gotten our rush, and were running behind on plate times (from the time the ticket comes in to the plate going out) by around 7-10 minutes. To have a trainee set on a line when you're running 10 minutes behind and double checking them would have led to an even greater slow down. So, at this point, here comes the FOH/server manager (who is in charge of the servers and not the kitchen), comes over to the person training me and says, with a really condescending demeanor "I just don't see how Tim's going to learn anything by standing there."
Prior to that statement, the trainer and I had talked about what it's like to work there, how we got the job, who's friendly and whathaveyou. I told them how my application process seemed to take a while, and they knew exactly how I felt, and had said it taken them a while too. But, when the FOH came up to them and made that comment, they turned around, and in a half-joking, half-serious manner said "you're not the kitchen manager and not in charge of how I train him. This isn't even your section. We got busy and I told Tim to stand back for a while and just help with the small stuff, but observe what we're all doing at the same time. Besides, you only seem to come by and notice Tim standing right after he's actually done something for me." All of this was said in the semi-relaxed, loud witty banter manner that you find in a kitchen, but the point was made and made rightly-the FOH is in charge of the servers, NOT of the kitchen.
The best way I can liken it is if I work in a construction company, I may be an engineering supervisor and may hold a higher title and know policies and procedures, but it's not any of my concern nor my repsonsibility to go check up on the construction department and seeing how they are training the installers. While the FOH is indeed a manager, and would by default be a superior, they are not immediately responsible for the goings-on of a department that is not theirs. Also, considering the fact that there was not only a trainer training me, but the 2nd kitchen manager was on shift, on the grill, next to me, and had not a single moment of issue with my observing how things are and helping when needed. So what prerogitive did it serve to have such a perjorative manner with me?
No less than I'd say 10, maaaybe 15 minutes went by, when the FOH manager hollered to my trainer that I could go. As I was walking towards the timeclock to punch-out, the FOH is standing there, and with basically what I can only describe as a stone face of emotion says "so when are you coming back?", really condescendingly. I politely told them I was only informed to show up today at 4, and had no idea when I was supposed to be back. It was at that time the manager, not the gm, but the manager, said to come back tomorrow at 4.
I enjoyed everything about the job today and felt like I could do it, and have fun with it, if I was given a good solid week of training, and not just dropped into something. I believe that I have capable people who are willing to train me, and I get along with them well. Yet it was this single person, who holds a position of power over me, that left me feeling upset inside, along with feelings of unwelcomeness and the potential for my being singled out about anything, regardless of what that thing may be.
Y'know, I'd been offered a position at Cracker Barrel, which would have paid more as well, all pending a background check. I was offered this position background check free, and just told to come in the next day and that I was hired. I didn't want to jump at the Cracker Barrel job, for fear of just going after the dollar, and serving the master of money instead of working a position that I would enjoy, where I could grow and be fruitful.
And while Santa Fe may seem to fit my personality so well, part of me wonders if it's the personality or person from my past it fits so well, and not the person who I am now. I believed that maybe the Cracker Barrel job wasn't where I was supposed to be, and Santa Fe was, due to the seeming enthusiasm from the GM when they interviewed me and gave me the feeling of being appreciated and welcomed.
Yet here I am now, the end of my first day of work, with what was supposed to be a happy and fun experience, and I feel sad inside. I will pray again to Father tonight about the situation, and ask Him to take such feelings of anxiety, fear, an apprehension from my heart, as I prayed to Him on the way home.
But I cannot ignore my feelings. For so long, it's all I did. Deny what I felt inside and look for the easy way out or ignoring those feelings. God has graced my heart to know I can come to Him with anything, and so this really is something I lay at His feet.
So many times, have I always said "welp, right now, this moment, this place, this experience, this emotion. this is exactly where you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to be, and how you are supposed to be", and I accepted that logic. Yet, I've come to realize that not everything in our lives are what God chose for us, are the paths He laid out beneath us so that we may walk in His ways.
All I'm left feeling tonight, right now, is this honest emotion-God, did I make a mistake, and choose from myself or from you?
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