(action points Matthew 3:16-17)
1.Why isn't Heaven always open to our sight? What is the benefit of knowing it's there - and He's there - without being able to physically see for ourselves?
For we have not yet risen from our Earthly bodies into the Kingdom, it cannot be truly shown to us until God decrees it so. As the only time He has ever opened Heaven to be viewed from Earth is when He opened the skies to look directly upon His Son, so His son may see Him. As Jesus was always with God, this was pretty much the first time He would have visually and audibly heard God's face and voice. That's not to say He didn't ever hear or see God. As Jesus teaches us that we have fed Him when we did this for the least of peoples, it's the same way He experienced (I think) God on Earth. His faith was unshakeable at His belief in God, but He, like us, was human, and so even Jesus relied on faith to know the Kingdom was there.
As a friend told me once, if God simply showed up, as a great face in the sky, or the skies opened, and we saw Heaven, everyone would a.) shit bricks and b.) turn to repent immediately...well, most likely all of them would. But that's not what God is looking for. We're both not yet worthy to view Heaven with our own eyes and it would be God basically having to "prove" Himself to us, in order that we may finally justify why we must love Him and obey Him.
To know God is there at all times, is to take comfort and peace and refuge in Him. Sure, we may go through tough times, heck, even Jesus was like "Father, if there's any other way your will can be done with this passing over me, I ask you to, but if not, then I accept your will and shall do as you command", in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was trusting God, as we are, without directly being in sight to Him. God wants us to walk by faith, not by sight. To not be led by what our eyes tell us, but what our heart tells us. That he is there. He is here. He is everywhere. Showering down His love on all of us.
Even throughout times in the bible, man is afraid to look upon God and His Holiness. It scares the crap out of Him. It's too much to comprehend. We have been shown just how unworthy we are in our daily guilt of sin, yet we are made perfect through our belief in Christ, and the sacrifice of His forever atonement for our sins, which is why, when our time has come, when we are to move on from this mortal coil, we shall bask in God's Holiness, with Jesus ruling at His right hand, over all nations, all worlds, and then, we shall see the glory of Heaven and love that God intends for us. It cannot be sooner.
2.Whether you feel like you've received your father's blessing or not, describe the importance of this in a person's life. What goes missing when it's not given? What comes pouring through when it is?
I have to think about this......and so I shall answer it tomorrow.....until then....it's not tomorrow, or, today.
I shall think this question is asking me about the importance of God's blessing, and what's missing when it's not given or what's pouring through when it is.
In that case, I should describe it as I just spoke to a friend of mine on facebook. I jokingly asked her if she was ridin the Jesus train, as she'd put a pretty positive status update on her profile. She proceeded to answer yeah, she always tries to, but sometimes she falls off, and has to work to get back on.
I replied that she shouldn't think of it as falling off, but more like we're given a chance, or we take the chance, to get off the train at any stop we'd like, have a look around, see how things are, but more than likely, there's nothing we're going to find off the tracks at the stop that could ever be better than riding the train. God gives us free will, to be free, yet our true freedom comes from residing in Him. When we strive to seek His blessing, learn His ways, obey His actions and thoughts, then we have true freedom. We know God will not let us falter or fail when we are in His grasp, on His train, so to speak. But, in His neverending love for us, He says we can get off the train. We can go about our own way, have a gander at things, and play to our hearts' content. He doesn't give us His blessing when we get off the train, because He knows where He is at is better for us, more secure for us, offering us more opportunities.
Romans 8, I think it is, talks about how man looks to pursue His wicked ways (well, a lot of the bible talks about it, but here I'm using this section of the book to illustrate) and wants to live according to 'their sinful natures'. Our sinful nature tells us "go ahead mate, have a stop-off looksee. God won't mind. He encourages you to explore you. That's why He gave you free will, so you can get off and on His train at any time. Really, it's okay." This is sin. To treat the Lord as if he is under our authority of decision-making. "for if you live according to sinful nature, you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live."
Everytime we take a chance to get off the train and look to set up shop on our own, we take a very big risk with our soul. Now, granted, as we are saved by grace through our faith in Jesus, It still does us no well or good to go about our own ways, and seek no counsel or blessing from Him.
If I got off the train, and fell back into drugs, I mean really started dosing up and partying down, there's a chance I could be somewhere I shouldn't be, snort the wrong thing, smoke the wrong thing, say the wrong thing to someone, and I could die. I could end my life. Or, I may be so severely wounded from my own actions that I spend forever blaming God, and may never even come back to Him. God will always be ready to pick me up, but He does not let us lose our accountability for our actions.
Now, what about being blessed by Him? Being blessed by God is a whole 'nother schbang. I'm on the train, and I'm passing by all these stops and towns, and things I could be doing that look so fun and fantastic, yet I just glance out the window and see them. I leave myself to be set by knowing that this train provides more comfort, joy, happiness, and peace for me than anything outside those windows. And when I know this, Ima gonna wanna stay here, with Jesus, on the train. Soon, I won't even care what's passing by us outside the windows, I'll eventually forget that they're there, because I'm so focused on Him. Where His train takes me, I surely know it will be blessed, for He has told me so. It may go through places I think I should want to stop at, but if the train stays moving, it means I'm not supposed to be there, that I'm supposed to sit back and enjoy the ride. And when the train decides on a place to stop, I'll get out, look at everything laid out before me, and I'll say to myself "oh, so this is where He was taking me. Wow! I'm glad I didn't get off at that place miles ago, I may never have gotten here!"
C'mon ride the train, Jesus rides it!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 14
(action points Matthew 3:13-15)
1. What keeps too many believers from being as humbled and overwhelemed by the presence of God as John was?
Right now, as I'm writing this, the Holy Spirit is within me, as Jesus is listening to my prayers and presenting them to the Lord, who knows all things. Yet, for so long in this world, we've been taught now to be ruled by the physical, by the visible, by the "real" if you will. A great booming voice in the sky, or some mystic spirit floating inside us, our mind and the lies of the enemy want to make us believe that it's not real.
When we feel a moment where the presence of God is upon us, wherever it may be, unless we simply accept it as the truth when it's happening, our minds have a way of breaking it down into a million pieces, and ultimately telling us we were just thinking it was Him, we were just wishing it was Him, when it wasn't really Him at all. We've been taught to use weights & measures in this world, we've been given the ideas of physics and systems and tangibility, and so we chalk up these moments to our heightened physical senses, or our opened physical minds....which, when you think about, the brain is simply the object where the mind works at, it has nothing to do with it's physical parts of it.
There was a movie about 7 or 8 years ago, called the Exorcism of Emily Rose. A young girl had died after there was a performed exorcism on her, and the laws of man wished to try the Priest who administered the service to her in saying he was negligent to the young girl. The Priest maintained he did everything he could, and the defense was forced to present the idea that there were indeed spiritual forces behind all the happenings.
We live in an age now where you can take any type of drug to feel better, where you can injest any man made substance that will pretty much give you some physical reaction, whether it be to subdue or unleash you. But, in some cases, which I believe, a person can be so affected by....
You know what? I just realized that this question is extremely difficult to answer. I think everything I just wrote up there was taking me off somewhere else in some place that was not the answer, yet I feel inclined to leave it there, because I'm sure it had some point.
Why does a believer not humble himself, or is humbled, when He knows the Lord is near? Part of my own salvation lies in realizing that a small, unassuming man, he believed in Jesus so much that he had the power of healing brought for to another man, right in front of my eyes. And in that moment, when I saw this going on, it freaked me out. Not because it was weird or strange, but because I knew it was the Holy Spirit at work through him. This was the night I myself accepted Jesus as my Lord & Savior, which Jesus wasn't just gonna let me slip by on. This small, unassuming man, after the church service was over, came over to me, and had his friend ask me if there was something I wanted to say to him, as he himself did not speak English.
It wasn't something I wanted to say to him, per se; it was something I wanted to say to Jesus, who I knew was listening because He was the only answer at that moment. No one else can heal but Jesus. No one else can know your thoughts in such a way that when you haven't spoken them, a believer comes up, and puts you on the spot like I was.
All I could say was "I'm not sure if he(the man) will understand this, but I saw Him".
We've been sold so many lies from this world, so many falsehoods and untruths. We're conditioned now to question everything, then question it some more, and when we've gotten answers to those questions, we have questions for those answers. I know, for myself, sometimes you don't want to acknowledge the presence of God, because you know He's right there, that He is indeed with you. We want to "bubble" him out of our reality, so to speak, and this is usually when we don't want to be actively obeying Him, when we want to believe we're in control, and when we have all the options laid out before us, because they're our options we made, not options we were given.
We say it's a hard thing to just accept that He is right with us, especially when we're at our lowest moments, yet we're reminded He is there, carrying that burden right next to us, letting us know it will be okay, that we just have to trust Him. Man all too often doubts Himself, doubts His faith, doubts God could really live him with everything he has done to himself and to others. We've all done some fucked up shit. Let's face it. Let's admit that. But let's also admit that there is a Supreme Being, who Loves us so much that He has wiped the slate completely clean for all of us, in fact, He's thrown the slate away. It doesn't exist. The only thing that exists is Him, saying "take my hand, and I'll show you the Way, the Truth, the Life", but our doubt gets in the way, and we think He only does things for other people, when in fact, He's doing them for us, and we just don't fully recognize it.
2.What changes could you make in your daily activities and typical priorities in order to cultivate a heart that continues to be stunned by His willingness to stoop to our level?
Let me say that God doesn't "stoop" to our level. We are raised up to His. While it is true that Jesus became flesh so that He may know our weaknessess, if He truly did stoop to our level, He'd have sinned and we'd all be screwed. I just wanted to clear that up.
Now, there was once a book I read by a man named Brother Lawrence. He was a monk who lived a few hundred years ago, who was so in love with God, that he pretty much was in Him all the time. He recognized that every little thing he does (is magic....no no, j/k but it fit so well right there) is a gift from God. The eyes he sees with, the hands he completes things with, the dishes he washes during lunch, the time in prayer he gets to have-all of these things were given to him because God not only decided to create him, but he gave him the opportunity to be with him, as he has given all of us.
Lawrence understood that his life had been bought, paid for, rescued by Jesus, and that whenever he did something, it was as if he was doing something because God was giving him something. I won't say he thought he was paying him back, but it was more like the 'you gave me life, the least I can do for you is do these dishes and be happy about it' type of mentality. How every single act was something he could give to the Lord.
God makes us disciples, and tells us to go, spread His word among all the nations, so that people may know of His holiness, and be brought to Him so He may have a relationship. In Matthew it tells us that whatever you've done for the least of these, you have done for me as well (i'm still getting the lingo of the bible down, I know that's not word for word).
Today, as I walked my dog, I thought about this very type of question I suppose. God has given me legs, so that I may go out among His world, and do something like walking my pet. I thanked Him for that. He gave me arms and hands, so that I may hold onto the leash. Thanked Him for that too. I was able to look up at the sky, and see its beauty, and see the beauty of the trees and the grass and fields and snow, I not only thanked Him for giving me the opportunity to see such things, but to see them as gifts He has given to me. Even now, I thank Him that He gifted me with a mind that wants to pour my thoughts out about Him, that they may be shared with others so they too can feel and experience the same love that I have realized I have for Him, in hopes it strengthens their hearts and minds, and leads them to wonder "Whoa, this God guy sounds pretty incredible, I'd like to know more about Him." Tomorrow, when I head to work, not only do I thank Him for the job He has given me, but for the chance that I meet so many people in my position that I may be showing through my actions how amazing the Lord is, and they too, may see His goodness alive in me, and know that there is something behind myself that drives me, that propels me towards love and life.
I remember a friend writing to me the other night, we were talking about the daily grind, and he'd mentioned he was late for work because he had a flat tire, and so he had to stay an hour later and pay for a new tire. I told him sorry to hear that, but it was pretty cool for Jesus to make sure he missed that traffic jam or accident that he may have been in had his tire not been flat.
God is, in a semi-relative term, and I'm no physicist, so don't hold my feet to the fire, He's pretty much the ultimate expert in Chaos Theory.....go ahead, think back to Jurassic Park. "A butterfly flaps its wings in Peiking, and in New York, you have a sunny day"
He controls and effects every single aspect of our lives, even when we want to believe we're in control. He's always got us, and He may even let us take the reigns at times, to show him who's boss, but we're still within His grasp. He still has complete dominion over us. I've never been very good at running my life. I mean, shoot, look at the first 29 years. It was pretty messy and ugly. I'm pretty sure God knows how to run my life and not make any mistakes, so the least I can do is make sure that whatever, whenever, or wherever I am doing something, that I realize God is there, right with me, looking down on me, standing beside me, and working within me, to bring me closer to him, that I accept it and give thanks, and hope with faith that what I'm doing is all going towards Him.
His willingness to take my reigns will certainly show up, we just have to be willing to give it to Him at all times, in all processes....
*reflection
I've left you plenty of room today so you could tro to recapture what it was like when you first met the Christ. How did He seem to you? What was it like? How does He still amaze you at times with the sheer glory and wonder-and stark reality-of His presence?
To say it was unbelieveable would do a disservice to the Lord. I was awe-struck, I suppose you could say.
If anyone has read my testimony, then they will know that when I first was called to meet Jesus it was after an Easter performance. The main actor who portrayed Jesus did Him honor that day in his portrayal, and I wanted to meet him because of just how blown away I was.
As I went down to him, there were dozens upon dozens of small children, all gathered around him, a sea of kids, and myself. I stuck out like a sort thumb. It's hard to hide when you're a 6', 230 pound man in an ocean of younglings. When Jarret, the man who portrayed our Lord, saw me, he and I sort of gave this silent nod to each other, acknowledging that we couldn't just part the red sea and say hello. I had to sort of work my way to him, like a sheep, slowly, deliberately, taking care not to push or hamper any of the kids around me as I moved closer towards him.
Finally, after he'd taken photos and hugged I don't know how many kids, he politely said to all of them "hey, guys, hold on just one second. This guy has been wanting to say hi to me and he's been so patient."
He asked me my name, and I told Him "Tim"
He shook my hand with the firmest, most complete, but humbled handshake I've ever known in my life.
And then He told me something I will never forget.
He said "Tim, you know Jesus loves you, right?"
It wasn't even so much of a question as it was a factual statement that somehow, deep inside, I knew to be truth......wow, it's really hard to write this right now without crying, which I've pretty much been doing since I started the reflection question. I lost it with bigger tears than now at that moment.
I'd always heard up until that point that Jesus loves everyone, Jesus saves, Jesus is your best friend, all the sayings about him. But Jesus didn't exist in the world I lived in. He wasn't a welcome part to my life, nor was God. Even if they did exist, I was in no hurry to follow them, I saw no need to believe in their 'glory'.
But on that night......oh, on that night. Jesus had me take the first step in me walking towards Him, being found by Him. He let me know He truly loved me. There is nothing that can ever take this truth from me. It cannot be bought, nor stolen, nor bartered for, nor tortured out of me.
Jesus loves me. This I know. Sure it says in the bible, but He Himself told me so :-)
I am amazed by all He has given me, all He has done for me, and all He continues to do for me. I really can't describe it anymore than that.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaamen.
1. What keeps too many believers from being as humbled and overwhelemed by the presence of God as John was?
Right now, as I'm writing this, the Holy Spirit is within me, as Jesus is listening to my prayers and presenting them to the Lord, who knows all things. Yet, for so long in this world, we've been taught now to be ruled by the physical, by the visible, by the "real" if you will. A great booming voice in the sky, or some mystic spirit floating inside us, our mind and the lies of the enemy want to make us believe that it's not real.
When we feel a moment where the presence of God is upon us, wherever it may be, unless we simply accept it as the truth when it's happening, our minds have a way of breaking it down into a million pieces, and ultimately telling us we were just thinking it was Him, we were just wishing it was Him, when it wasn't really Him at all. We've been taught to use weights & measures in this world, we've been given the ideas of physics and systems and tangibility, and so we chalk up these moments to our heightened physical senses, or our opened physical minds....which, when you think about, the brain is simply the object where the mind works at, it has nothing to do with it's physical parts of it.
There was a movie about 7 or 8 years ago, called the Exorcism of Emily Rose. A young girl had died after there was a performed exorcism on her, and the laws of man wished to try the Priest who administered the service to her in saying he was negligent to the young girl. The Priest maintained he did everything he could, and the defense was forced to present the idea that there were indeed spiritual forces behind all the happenings.
We live in an age now where you can take any type of drug to feel better, where you can injest any man made substance that will pretty much give you some physical reaction, whether it be to subdue or unleash you. But, in some cases, which I believe, a person can be so affected by....
You know what? I just realized that this question is extremely difficult to answer. I think everything I just wrote up there was taking me off somewhere else in some place that was not the answer, yet I feel inclined to leave it there, because I'm sure it had some point.
Why does a believer not humble himself, or is humbled, when He knows the Lord is near? Part of my own salvation lies in realizing that a small, unassuming man, he believed in Jesus so much that he had the power of healing brought for to another man, right in front of my eyes. And in that moment, when I saw this going on, it freaked me out. Not because it was weird or strange, but because I knew it was the Holy Spirit at work through him. This was the night I myself accepted Jesus as my Lord & Savior, which Jesus wasn't just gonna let me slip by on. This small, unassuming man, after the church service was over, came over to me, and had his friend ask me if there was something I wanted to say to him, as he himself did not speak English.
It wasn't something I wanted to say to him, per se; it was something I wanted to say to Jesus, who I knew was listening because He was the only answer at that moment. No one else can heal but Jesus. No one else can know your thoughts in such a way that when you haven't spoken them, a believer comes up, and puts you on the spot like I was.
All I could say was "I'm not sure if he(the man) will understand this, but I saw Him".
We've been sold so many lies from this world, so many falsehoods and untruths. We're conditioned now to question everything, then question it some more, and when we've gotten answers to those questions, we have questions for those answers. I know, for myself, sometimes you don't want to acknowledge the presence of God, because you know He's right there, that He is indeed with you. We want to "bubble" him out of our reality, so to speak, and this is usually when we don't want to be actively obeying Him, when we want to believe we're in control, and when we have all the options laid out before us, because they're our options we made, not options we were given.
We say it's a hard thing to just accept that He is right with us, especially when we're at our lowest moments, yet we're reminded He is there, carrying that burden right next to us, letting us know it will be okay, that we just have to trust Him. Man all too often doubts Himself, doubts His faith, doubts God could really live him with everything he has done to himself and to others. We've all done some fucked up shit. Let's face it. Let's admit that. But let's also admit that there is a Supreme Being, who Loves us so much that He has wiped the slate completely clean for all of us, in fact, He's thrown the slate away. It doesn't exist. The only thing that exists is Him, saying "take my hand, and I'll show you the Way, the Truth, the Life", but our doubt gets in the way, and we think He only does things for other people, when in fact, He's doing them for us, and we just don't fully recognize it.
2.What changes could you make in your daily activities and typical priorities in order to cultivate a heart that continues to be stunned by His willingness to stoop to our level?
Let me say that God doesn't "stoop" to our level. We are raised up to His. While it is true that Jesus became flesh so that He may know our weaknessess, if He truly did stoop to our level, He'd have sinned and we'd all be screwed. I just wanted to clear that up.
Now, there was once a book I read by a man named Brother Lawrence. He was a monk who lived a few hundred years ago, who was so in love with God, that he pretty much was in Him all the time. He recognized that every little thing he does (is magic....no no, j/k but it fit so well right there) is a gift from God. The eyes he sees with, the hands he completes things with, the dishes he washes during lunch, the time in prayer he gets to have-all of these things were given to him because God not only decided to create him, but he gave him the opportunity to be with him, as he has given all of us.
Lawrence understood that his life had been bought, paid for, rescued by Jesus, and that whenever he did something, it was as if he was doing something because God was giving him something. I won't say he thought he was paying him back, but it was more like the 'you gave me life, the least I can do for you is do these dishes and be happy about it' type of mentality. How every single act was something he could give to the Lord.
God makes us disciples, and tells us to go, spread His word among all the nations, so that people may know of His holiness, and be brought to Him so He may have a relationship. In Matthew it tells us that whatever you've done for the least of these, you have done for me as well (i'm still getting the lingo of the bible down, I know that's not word for word).
Today, as I walked my dog, I thought about this very type of question I suppose. God has given me legs, so that I may go out among His world, and do something like walking my pet. I thanked Him for that. He gave me arms and hands, so that I may hold onto the leash. Thanked Him for that too. I was able to look up at the sky, and see its beauty, and see the beauty of the trees and the grass and fields and snow, I not only thanked Him for giving me the opportunity to see such things, but to see them as gifts He has given to me. Even now, I thank Him that He gifted me with a mind that wants to pour my thoughts out about Him, that they may be shared with others so they too can feel and experience the same love that I have realized I have for Him, in hopes it strengthens their hearts and minds, and leads them to wonder "Whoa, this God guy sounds pretty incredible, I'd like to know more about Him." Tomorrow, when I head to work, not only do I thank Him for the job He has given me, but for the chance that I meet so many people in my position that I may be showing through my actions how amazing the Lord is, and they too, may see His goodness alive in me, and know that there is something behind myself that drives me, that propels me towards love and life.
I remember a friend writing to me the other night, we were talking about the daily grind, and he'd mentioned he was late for work because he had a flat tire, and so he had to stay an hour later and pay for a new tire. I told him sorry to hear that, but it was pretty cool for Jesus to make sure he missed that traffic jam or accident that he may have been in had his tire not been flat.
God is, in a semi-relative term, and I'm no physicist, so don't hold my feet to the fire, He's pretty much the ultimate expert in Chaos Theory.....go ahead, think back to Jurassic Park. "A butterfly flaps its wings in Peiking, and in New York, you have a sunny day"
He controls and effects every single aspect of our lives, even when we want to believe we're in control. He's always got us, and He may even let us take the reigns at times, to show him who's boss, but we're still within His grasp. He still has complete dominion over us. I've never been very good at running my life. I mean, shoot, look at the first 29 years. It was pretty messy and ugly. I'm pretty sure God knows how to run my life and not make any mistakes, so the least I can do is make sure that whatever, whenever, or wherever I am doing something, that I realize God is there, right with me, looking down on me, standing beside me, and working within me, to bring me closer to him, that I accept it and give thanks, and hope with faith that what I'm doing is all going towards Him.
His willingness to take my reigns will certainly show up, we just have to be willing to give it to Him at all times, in all processes....
*reflection
I've left you plenty of room today so you could tro to recapture what it was like when you first met the Christ. How did He seem to you? What was it like? How does He still amaze you at times with the sheer glory and wonder-and stark reality-of His presence?
To say it was unbelieveable would do a disservice to the Lord. I was awe-struck, I suppose you could say.
If anyone has read my testimony, then they will know that when I first was called to meet Jesus it was after an Easter performance. The main actor who portrayed Jesus did Him honor that day in his portrayal, and I wanted to meet him because of just how blown away I was.
As I went down to him, there were dozens upon dozens of small children, all gathered around him, a sea of kids, and myself. I stuck out like a sort thumb. It's hard to hide when you're a 6', 230 pound man in an ocean of younglings. When Jarret, the man who portrayed our Lord, saw me, he and I sort of gave this silent nod to each other, acknowledging that we couldn't just part the red sea and say hello. I had to sort of work my way to him, like a sheep, slowly, deliberately, taking care not to push or hamper any of the kids around me as I moved closer towards him.
Finally, after he'd taken photos and hugged I don't know how many kids, he politely said to all of them "hey, guys, hold on just one second. This guy has been wanting to say hi to me and he's been so patient."
He asked me my name, and I told Him "Tim"
He shook my hand with the firmest, most complete, but humbled handshake I've ever known in my life.
And then He told me something I will never forget.
He said "Tim, you know Jesus loves you, right?"
It wasn't even so much of a question as it was a factual statement that somehow, deep inside, I knew to be truth......wow, it's really hard to write this right now without crying, which I've pretty much been doing since I started the reflection question. I lost it with bigger tears than now at that moment.
I'd always heard up until that point that Jesus loves everyone, Jesus saves, Jesus is your best friend, all the sayings about him. But Jesus didn't exist in the world I lived in. He wasn't a welcome part to my life, nor was God. Even if they did exist, I was in no hurry to follow them, I saw no need to believe in their 'glory'.
But on that night......oh, on that night. Jesus had me take the first step in me walking towards Him, being found by Him. He let me know He truly loved me. There is nothing that can ever take this truth from me. It cannot be bought, nor stolen, nor bartered for, nor tortured out of me.
Jesus loves me. This I know. Sure it says in the bible, but He Himself told me so :-)
I am amazed by all He has given me, all He has done for me, and all He continues to do for me. I really can't describe it anymore than that.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaamen.
90 Days w/Jesus....day 13
(action points Matthew 3:1-6)
1. What is the purpose of confession and repentance after we've already been forgiven of our sins? Why does God still demand and expect it of us?
Earlier today, I was doing some assignments in another workbook, and it was regarding the book of Exodus, but it had me bouncing around from book to book, looking at similar references at other points in the bible's history. It was referencing how the law is simply the protector, the tutor of learning about the need for salvation, whereas the grace of God through Christ is what gives us the salvation.
The law exposes our guiltiness in being sinners. Though we are made whole and new and righteous in Christ, once we accept Him into our heart as Lord & Savior, the idea of confession and repentance is the willful act of being obedient to the Lords ways and decrees, in showing Him that we believe in Christ and our salvation so much that to obey His Word is what we are supposed to do.
If I never confessed my sins, or never repented for my actions, I would be like the prodigal son who returns home only to seek out more of his father's gold and treasures, to reload my credit card, if you will, so that I may have everything at my fingertips, yet never feel as though there is any need of confessing my wrongdoings or turning away from my evil ways. Christ was and is the only being who has ever obeyed God's laws and decrees fully, therefore He never had anything to confess or repent from. His willful obedience, like Himself, was perfect in God's eyes. As I was born through a man and a woman, I shall always be, while on this Earth, chained to my body, and there shall always be things I do that would need repentance and confession to the Lord.
Accepting Christ as my Lord & Savior only guarentees me that when I stand before the Lord in Heaven, Christ will intercede on my behalf, letting the Lord know I am worthy to enter the Kingdom. Here on Earth, though, I still stumble and fall in my daily life, but in my seeking repentance and confessing my sins to God, I am showing Him that I wish to be more than I currently am, that I wish to be the very thing He intended for me to be, and not someone who simply takes his gifts for granted. I cannot speak on others when I say if whether or not they never confess their sins or repent of their actions, but say they wholeheartedly believe in Christ as their Lord, whether or not they would be saved. We are told that confess with our hearts and mouths that Jesus is Lord & Savior, and we're good to go.
But, if we are to seeking to please God, while nothing can ever please Him more than accepting His offering, He will be pleased in our devotion to Him daily, and that devotion includes confessing our sins to Him, giving them over to Him, and repenting from the ways of the world, so that we may grow ever closer to Him in all of our acts and actions. Make no mistake, it is not acts or actions that saves us; it is our belief of being saved by grace through our faith.
2.In your times of repentance, what do you find the Lord doing in your heart? What does he achieve during these moments that never seem to happen at any other time?
God is Mighty. He is Holy. He is perfect. And at any moment, He can completely heal us of anything. You may hear people say it's a process, it will take years to fully come into Christ & the Lord, to be, for lack of a better term, 'pure' to Him. But this is man's folly. It is a belief of the enemy, implanted into our minds to deceive us, and tell us that we will strive our entire lives to become better.
If you truly give something over to the Lord, then it has been given. You cannot take back an offering to God once it's been made. The same goes with repentance. When you know, in your heart, in your soul, that you seek to be cleansed of something, God shall cleanse you. He desires total obedience. The Lord isn't going to just clean you up when you are half-assing a repentant thought to Him, He does not work like that, and frankly, it's insulting and mocking of the Lord's power to think He would accept your half-hearted efforts about being repentful.
Sure, there may be times and moments when you feel completely down, completely defeated, and lost, and perhaps you are only able to muster a "forgive me, Lord" from something you've done. You may very well be in such a state where asking His simple forgiveness like that indeed grants it. At other times, you may lay out a 20 minute dissertation on why you should be forgiven, but if your heart and soul aren't truly there, He's gonna stare at you and go "come on, now, I know you can do better than that". It's times like these usually when you are feeling things inside, unexplainable things, that are letting you know full well that you are not actually seeking His forgiveness, but rather you're seeking to make yourself feel as though you are.
God fixes things, and accepts forgiveness and your repentance pretty much the first time out on all things, if you are truly seeking to be forgiven for your wrongs, and are truly seeking to be mended and healed. However, I know it's possible that you may not actually be cleansed in your own mind. Sometimes, we get in the way too much of God's work, and believe we still need to suffer, or we still need to hold on to our sin, or that we haven't been forgiven by Him. Subsequent prayers/confessions/repentance in the coming times usually let us know, with again, this unexplainable feeling inside, that it has in fact, been forgiven.
I know that in my life, I struggled mightily with drugs and pornography. I can admit the truth that I enjoyed smoking weed, I liked watching porn, either with a girlfriend, or by myself. And while I can say it's not as though watching porn or smoking a joint makes me feel bad. What makes me feel bad inside is knowing this is not what God wants for me. His Word tells me these things are not of Him, and that they are sinful, and of the world. And so it's knowing inside that what I do is in direct conflict with what He asks and expects of me.
But because I am seeking to know Him, more intimiately, to know His ways, to be on the lookout for Him, I know He has healed me of the desire to act on these things. Whenever I do slip up, it's almost as if I sit there and say to myself "yeah, but why? It just doesn't have a place in you anymore Tim. The very act feels somehow foreign to you"
How to explain it better. Okay, it's like when you look at an old photo of yourself, or you run into an old friend from high school, or you see someone you used to be in love with. When you look or interact during these moments, you know that, some part of you, somewhere inside, used to have a connection to them. That you used to be receptive to them, your life had a set place for them in you, that you'd made for them. But the whole of you, the whole of you that's in the current now of things, you see that they no longer are for your heart, they are no longer an object of your desire. Does this mean you wouldn't smoke a joint, or look at porn, or hope to rekindle the past with friends or loved ones? No, of course not. What it simply means is that if you do, you're going to find that whatever it was that connected you to them is now something that resides in your past. It's something that helped grow you into who you are today, at this moment, and since there are no other moments than right now, for the past is just a collection of memories of moments, and the future for us does not exist in firm terms, only in conceptual reality (i.e. I may plan for tomorrow but I may be dead in an hour), at this moment, in your life, it is no longer in you to be of them.
It's strange, really. As I am writing this response down, and thinking of this question, I am thinking of Kaesey. If you read my prior post, you know what was in me in regards to her. Yet, I am sitting here now, realizing that my words and thoughts are coming from the Lord, that He is guiding my mind and spirit to say these things, so that I may realize just what it means to confess and repent.
The Lord says we cannot hold onto our past if we are to cling to Him. As such, I cannot hold onto her anymore. And if I want to Honor the Lord, then the only way I cannot truly hold onto anything from my past is to say "God, I lay this thing before you, in all of your Mighty Righteousness, for You alone are the one who can take my sins away. You alone are what will cleanse me of all my wrongs, and You alone are the only thing that can bring me closer to Your loving spirit. I'm finally understanding what it means to die in Christ in order that we are to be reborn anew."
When you answer a question, or read it I mean, and you have an idea of how you're going to respond, what you're going to say, it's wording, etc., etc. And yet, those last three to four paragraphs, they just showed up. It's as if they were waiting for me to speak them, for He had already laid them out before me, in order that I may understand Him more and grow closer to Him in His Love.
Thank you, O God, for giving me a question about confession and repentance in order to have me confess and repent. You truly are the God Most High.
In your precious name do I pray,
Timothy
1. What is the purpose of confession and repentance after we've already been forgiven of our sins? Why does God still demand and expect it of us?
Earlier today, I was doing some assignments in another workbook, and it was regarding the book of Exodus, but it had me bouncing around from book to book, looking at similar references at other points in the bible's history. It was referencing how the law is simply the protector, the tutor of learning about the need for salvation, whereas the grace of God through Christ is what gives us the salvation.
The law exposes our guiltiness in being sinners. Though we are made whole and new and righteous in Christ, once we accept Him into our heart as Lord & Savior, the idea of confession and repentance is the willful act of being obedient to the Lords ways and decrees, in showing Him that we believe in Christ and our salvation so much that to obey His Word is what we are supposed to do.
If I never confessed my sins, or never repented for my actions, I would be like the prodigal son who returns home only to seek out more of his father's gold and treasures, to reload my credit card, if you will, so that I may have everything at my fingertips, yet never feel as though there is any need of confessing my wrongdoings or turning away from my evil ways. Christ was and is the only being who has ever obeyed God's laws and decrees fully, therefore He never had anything to confess or repent from. His willful obedience, like Himself, was perfect in God's eyes. As I was born through a man and a woman, I shall always be, while on this Earth, chained to my body, and there shall always be things I do that would need repentance and confession to the Lord.
Accepting Christ as my Lord & Savior only guarentees me that when I stand before the Lord in Heaven, Christ will intercede on my behalf, letting the Lord know I am worthy to enter the Kingdom. Here on Earth, though, I still stumble and fall in my daily life, but in my seeking repentance and confessing my sins to God, I am showing Him that I wish to be more than I currently am, that I wish to be the very thing He intended for me to be, and not someone who simply takes his gifts for granted. I cannot speak on others when I say if whether or not they never confess their sins or repent of their actions, but say they wholeheartedly believe in Christ as their Lord, whether or not they would be saved. We are told that confess with our hearts and mouths that Jesus is Lord & Savior, and we're good to go.
But, if we are to seeking to please God, while nothing can ever please Him more than accepting His offering, He will be pleased in our devotion to Him daily, and that devotion includes confessing our sins to Him, giving them over to Him, and repenting from the ways of the world, so that we may grow ever closer to Him in all of our acts and actions. Make no mistake, it is not acts or actions that saves us; it is our belief of being saved by grace through our faith.
2.In your times of repentance, what do you find the Lord doing in your heart? What does he achieve during these moments that never seem to happen at any other time?
God is Mighty. He is Holy. He is perfect. And at any moment, He can completely heal us of anything. You may hear people say it's a process, it will take years to fully come into Christ & the Lord, to be, for lack of a better term, 'pure' to Him. But this is man's folly. It is a belief of the enemy, implanted into our minds to deceive us, and tell us that we will strive our entire lives to become better.
If you truly give something over to the Lord, then it has been given. You cannot take back an offering to God once it's been made. The same goes with repentance. When you know, in your heart, in your soul, that you seek to be cleansed of something, God shall cleanse you. He desires total obedience. The Lord isn't going to just clean you up when you are half-assing a repentant thought to Him, He does not work like that, and frankly, it's insulting and mocking of the Lord's power to think He would accept your half-hearted efforts about being repentful.
Sure, there may be times and moments when you feel completely down, completely defeated, and lost, and perhaps you are only able to muster a "forgive me, Lord" from something you've done. You may very well be in such a state where asking His simple forgiveness like that indeed grants it. At other times, you may lay out a 20 minute dissertation on why you should be forgiven, but if your heart and soul aren't truly there, He's gonna stare at you and go "come on, now, I know you can do better than that". It's times like these usually when you are feeling things inside, unexplainable things, that are letting you know full well that you are not actually seeking His forgiveness, but rather you're seeking to make yourself feel as though you are.
God fixes things, and accepts forgiveness and your repentance pretty much the first time out on all things, if you are truly seeking to be forgiven for your wrongs, and are truly seeking to be mended and healed. However, I know it's possible that you may not actually be cleansed in your own mind. Sometimes, we get in the way too much of God's work, and believe we still need to suffer, or we still need to hold on to our sin, or that we haven't been forgiven by Him. Subsequent prayers/confessions/repentance in the coming times usually let us know, with again, this unexplainable feeling inside, that it has in fact, been forgiven.
I know that in my life, I struggled mightily with drugs and pornography. I can admit the truth that I enjoyed smoking weed, I liked watching porn, either with a girlfriend, or by myself. And while I can say it's not as though watching porn or smoking a joint makes me feel bad. What makes me feel bad inside is knowing this is not what God wants for me. His Word tells me these things are not of Him, and that they are sinful, and of the world. And so it's knowing inside that what I do is in direct conflict with what He asks and expects of me.
But because I am seeking to know Him, more intimiately, to know His ways, to be on the lookout for Him, I know He has healed me of the desire to act on these things. Whenever I do slip up, it's almost as if I sit there and say to myself "yeah, but why? It just doesn't have a place in you anymore Tim. The very act feels somehow foreign to you"
How to explain it better. Okay, it's like when you look at an old photo of yourself, or you run into an old friend from high school, or you see someone you used to be in love with. When you look or interact during these moments, you know that, some part of you, somewhere inside, used to have a connection to them. That you used to be receptive to them, your life had a set place for them in you, that you'd made for them. But the whole of you, the whole of you that's in the current now of things, you see that they no longer are for your heart, they are no longer an object of your desire. Does this mean you wouldn't smoke a joint, or look at porn, or hope to rekindle the past with friends or loved ones? No, of course not. What it simply means is that if you do, you're going to find that whatever it was that connected you to them is now something that resides in your past. It's something that helped grow you into who you are today, at this moment, and since there are no other moments than right now, for the past is just a collection of memories of moments, and the future for us does not exist in firm terms, only in conceptual reality (i.e. I may plan for tomorrow but I may be dead in an hour), at this moment, in your life, it is no longer in you to be of them.
It's strange, really. As I am writing this response down, and thinking of this question, I am thinking of Kaesey. If you read my prior post, you know what was in me in regards to her. Yet, I am sitting here now, realizing that my words and thoughts are coming from the Lord, that He is guiding my mind and spirit to say these things, so that I may realize just what it means to confess and repent.
The Lord says we cannot hold onto our past if we are to cling to Him. As such, I cannot hold onto her anymore. And if I want to Honor the Lord, then the only way I cannot truly hold onto anything from my past is to say "God, I lay this thing before you, in all of your Mighty Righteousness, for You alone are the one who can take my sins away. You alone are what will cleanse me of all my wrongs, and You alone are the only thing that can bring me closer to Your loving spirit. I'm finally understanding what it means to die in Christ in order that we are to be reborn anew."
When you answer a question, or read it I mean, and you have an idea of how you're going to respond, what you're going to say, it's wording, etc., etc. And yet, those last three to four paragraphs, they just showed up. It's as if they were waiting for me to speak them, for He had already laid them out before me, in order that I may understand Him more and grow closer to Him in His Love.
Thank you, O God, for giving me a question about confession and repentance in order to have me confess and repent. You truly are the God Most High.
In your precious name do I pray,
Timothy
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Trust in the Lord in all things, that He may deliver you unto Righteousness...
Kaesey Friedman.
Her name will now and forever be unique and hold meaning to me, as unique and meaningful as she herself was.
If ever there was a bright spot, a shinging light in my life before the Lord Himself showed up on my doorstep and said "take my hand", it was indeed her. To know her was to love her, and to love her was to have happiness inside of my heart.
It's been over two years now, since the fateful day when I became so angry and fed up with the hatred of the world that I screamed to her through a text message, of all things, that we no longer existed. The world had taken one of my last refuges of innocence away from me, and I wanted to make something in the world feel as much pain at that moment as I felt inside, and sadly, Kaesey was the recipient. Someone I knew and cherished, someone who was very dear to me, had a very serious encounter with the ugliness of the world, and, in that moment of finding this out, I snapped.
Kaesey, ever the one to be consoling, spoke to me and my heart heard what it wanted to hear, and not what was being said. I pounced on the opportunity to inflict the pain I was feeling onto her, and I raged with the devil inside me, and poured it unto her.
This, sadly, was only the point of her finality in realizing she could no longer give her heart to me. As we had been together for nearly 4 years prior, she was a true champion of spirit, never giving up on me, never wanting to believe I was as horribly lost as I was at the time.
I was, for lack of a better term, an unbalanced, extreme equation. She always spoke to me with the cheery enthusiasm of "everything in moderation, Tim", as she knew how polarizing to one side or the other of things I could become.
I let my anger and depression and hate and sadness and all things unhealthy for a human being, I let them all consume me, and then I let that connsumation be taken out on her, for she was the one person who was closest to me, who I felt as though I could harm with indifference, and she would just bear the brunt of my attacks.
There were counteless times when I was mean-spirited, ill-tempered, foul-mooded(is that a word?), or just an all around motherfucker towards her, and those countless times tended to be due to instances of my life that had zero to do with her. A bad day meant she would feel my brutality of verbalism. Or a sad day meant she would deal with my depression, and the ever-so-cliche "woe is me" pouting and whining and acting the role of loser all the time, and it was all laid at her feet, constantly.
I made her suffer me. And suffer me she did. Greatly.
There were times where I'd be so enamored in my own wallowing filth that I would not talk to her for hours, if we were in the car togehter on a road trip, or I'd let a few days go back because of some silly comment she'd make that I would always take wrong, as if I was looking for a reason to have an excuse to not want to talk to her.
To make her feel the same pain I did. To, as shitty as this sounds, let her experience the pain I felt constantly in my life.
And yet, through all of this, she loved me.
She loved me like no other has, and I loved her in the same fashion. When I was in an okay state of mind, we made an incredible partnership. We shared similar interests, we laughed at the same commercials or would come up with relatively cool ideas for how things could be, we loved talking to one another.
Near the end of things, we'd planned a day of picnicing at a local part, to have a lunch and bring a bunch of philosophical questions to ask each other, so we could learn the intimate parts of one another. I still remember her asking me about snails, or, no, not asking, telling me her thoughts on snails and their lives, and what they go through.
If you knew us, you knew that I had several nicknames for her, because of just how special she was to me. She was my skittle. My cuter. She was, most of all, my amazing. I'd even introduce her that way to people sometimes, 'this is my amazin', because of just how incredible she was to me. How dearly I held her in my heart.
I loved her for the biggest things, but the little things were what made that love solid, what gave it the foundation it did.
I was speaking to a friend recently, who was having trouble on the day of his anniversary of a break-up with the woman who he'd loved, and I wanted to share with him something so he could understand it would be okay.
Near the first Christmas Kaesey & I had together, we were talking about childhood memories of Christmas and favorite gifts, years, etc. I'm pretty sure about this particular part, though I could be mistaken, but it feels right to me in my heart, so I hope I do this memory justice in its accuracy.
We both were reminiscing about when you could go to the school workshops in young elementary times, and buy Christmas gifts. I'm sure you all remember it, or something similar to it. You got to go during class or lunch and buy little trinket type gifts in the gym or cafeteria, they were maybe a dollar or two, or a combination of money and points you got in class for assignments or whatnot.
Well, I remember us talking about this, but after she'd mentioned buying the gifts and whatnot, she had said she also made sure to wrap little presents of change in wrapping paper separately for her family members. I remember asking her why she did that, and with tears in her eyes, and her face red, she told me it was because she wanted to make sure if they didn't like their presents, they could still buy something that would make them happy.
As I wrote this to my friend, and as I'm writing this to you right now, this tears me apart because I think it may have been one of the earliest moments where I knew inside that I was falling in love with this girl. Her heart is the size of a planet, and she was always so caring and thoughtful. I mean, as a child, she was wrapping change to make sure her sister or parents could get a nice gift in case they didn't like what she got them. I will always cherish this memory of her sharing that with me. I can still remember where we were in her bedroom when she said this, and all I wanted to do was hug her with everything I had.
Do you remember "Saving Private Ryan" when Tom Hanks is talking about how he remembers his wifes gloves, and that's how he remembers her? Or how in "Good Will Hunting" Robin Williams mentions how his wife would fart in her sleep, sometimes she'd wake herself up, but he could never have the heart to tell her, so he'd blame it on the dog?
This is how I will always remember Kaesey. Through the little things like wrapping change in gift wrap. Or how she always said "oi, man" whenever I was being a dork. Or her excitement over little things like good pasta, or having chicken nuggets and corn for a meal.
I destroyed all of this. I killed away this union between us, because I so hated the world, that I sacrificed the one person I loved for it.
We looked to try our hand at friendship after we'd had the official breaking up conversation a few weeks later, but sadly, I was too broken. And if you can believe just how far her amazingness extended, she wanted to stay my friend because she knew just how damaged and tortured I was inside, and she didn't want to lose out on knowing whether or not I'd be okay.
This girl, this amazing woman, is a model of how a woman should be. Caring beyond her own boarders, even when it hurt her.
I'd continued to screw up my life over those next few months, falling deeper into drugs and depression and sloth and gluttony, further than I'd ever fallen. During this time, I tried talking to her a lot, tried forcing my way back into things, so to speak, but to no avail, at which point, I became angry and bitter that she was now ignoring me. I was placing too much on her, at too soon and too delicate a time in her life, I'd never once thought she needed healing. I figured she was so incredibly strong inside, so incredibly not like me and my weakness, that it was as easy as a flip of a switch for her to move forward. She had a great circle of support, and I, I had no one. The one friend I had at the time basically told me he saw this coming a mile away and knew it was going to end like this, and, well, fuck him for saying that. I forgive him for it now, but at the time, it was most certainly not what I'd needed to be hearing from anyone.
And still, a few months later, I was screwing around on facebook, looking at her profile, and had accidentally clicked on the "buy profile" during the whole 'top friends' craze, when fb was still getting going. She deleted or blocked me from viewing her profile that same day, and I freaked out thinking I'd blown my last chance at things. I was truly without hope, and that night, I drove down to her place, pretty much in tears the entire time, and tossed my cross necklace she'd given me outside her security gate. It was the only thing I could think to do in showing her just how far I had fallen. She'd gotten it for me for Christmas one year, and though I was not religious, the cross would be who I would have associated God with, and as I'd felt so broken up inside, I thought she should have it back....without irony, this all happened 4 days before I'd been invited to the Easter show and met Jesus and started my walk towards God.
Life, over the next six months, had been moving steady and okay for me. I'd had a job, and it was my birthday. I'd just thrown my first party, and it was my first birthday without her, but with a new gaggle of friends who cared for me and loved me (Note-it's pretty funny for me to have actually had a "gaggle" of friends, as this was something I'd previously never had in life)
And so, that whole week, I was thinking about her, and was doing work down in her work neighborhood, and turned a corner one day and saw the restaurant I'd taken her for her birthday one year. I thought, with all these "signs" I was being given, God was saying contact her. So I did.
I only had her work number, and left a voice mail saying hi hello yadda yadda would you like to meet for a cup of coffee, wish you well, God bless.
Needless to say, it didn't go very well. She wrote me an email two days later saying she needed me to understand, I cannot contact her anymore. She was very angry that I'd called her at her work, even if it was with good intentions. Nor did she like that I'd driven by her house, and said it was downright intrusive. She also said my family needed to stop contacting her as well, as she was growing tired of it. The last words she spoke or wrote to me were
"this is my final contact. thank you"
If ever I'd felt my heart sink before, it was low as low could go. It felt so cold, so lifeless, so...devoid of hope. I hadn't realized she'd grown to be so unhappy with me over this roughly year since we'd broken up, and I'd had no idea what family she was talking about, for, as far as I knew, no one told me they'd spoken to her in months.
I was broken once more by this email. Those last words felt like I was a case file, a serial # in some service report, as if I'd never existed in the first place. It had seemed as though my wish, a year before, of us saying we no longer existed, had finally come true in her heart.
This, of course, didn't stop me from wallowing and being sad and talking to many of my friends for hours upon end of just how badly I'd regretted doing the things I did to her, that led up to the finality of the situation. I told them if she was the last woman who God would ever have me love, then I would be fine with it. So amazing was she that I believed I had been given something truly, truly special, and I was okay if this meant I had 'widowed' myself.
Fast forward to this past September, the day after my birthday...
I woke up, and had in my inbox to my old email and my normal one, emails from her address. A few weeks prior, I'd had emails similar as well, but they were blank. I'd of course found the first ones odd, and welcomed with almost a sense of hope thinking maybe she was writing me, maybe she'd wanted to talk. But, from the looks of things, it looked like someone had gotten her account, or it was spammed, except the mails were indeed from her name. I politely wrote, the first time, that I'd gotten emails from her, and thought maybe she should check her accounts to be safe. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, of course God bless.
But the day after my birthday weekend, to have woken up again, and had them once more, it proved to start breaking away at me once more. And so I wrote her back, only this time I wrote her a lengthy email. It included my testimony, which was something I had been actually thinking about wanting to send her for a while, but didn't know how to, and it included an asking of forgiveness from what I'd done to her. I told her I had wished I could have honored the friendship she had wanted to keep with me and had her there for the day of my baptism, but was so very sorry I could not.
I told her just how much of a bright spot she was to my life, how, before knowing God, she was indeed the best, greatest thing that I believe ever happened to me, and I thanked her for everything she ever gave me. I told her that I know she would have a great life, and I wished her blessings, peace, and love.
From time to time, I've prayed to God about her. Whether or not I could ever be with her again, whether or not I could ever sit down with her and have a conversation, or whether or not she would forgive me. I've prayed that he would bring her happiness in her life, and joy, and that whoever she would meet and be with, that he treated her better than I ever did, that he would love her and honor her, and be good to her, and not to burden upon her the same types of negatives I had laid on her life. My prayer to God was one of hope for her, of asking Him to watch over her, and make sure she receives love.
Flash forward to today.
I wasn't sleeping well, in fact, I'd woken up early (as evidenced by this posting, and it's length). I was on facebook, and suddenly got the urge to search for her profile. Because of the fact that I had purchased it so very long ago, it means I still am able to see her profile picture, and nothing else, b/c I'm pretty sure she has blocked me from a long time ago. But, as I said, a picture is still available.
So after clicking on the picture, I see her profile photo.
Of her. And a man. Embracing.
With, from the looks of it, some type of ring on her right ring finger.
I did my best to recollect if there was a time when she wore a ring on this finger in her life when I knew her, and I could not think of any. I remember her wearing a ring on a pinky, perhaps, but for the life of me, I don't remember her ever having one on her ring finger.
As it's just a photo, I cannot say. But for all intents and purposes, a ring on your right ring finger means you're engaged to be married.
So, from the looks of it, she has found someone. Who she loves. Who loves her. Who she has agreed to spend her life with.
When I saw the photo, I paused for a long while. And I thought about it.
And while I was thinking about it, a warmness came over me.
And I realized....that God had answered my prayers.
He has given her someone she is happy with. Someone who will love her, honor her, and take care of her.
I was never able to do these things fully in the life I shared with her, the life I knew her in.
Does it pain me to know that I may never ever be in her presence again? Yes. I cannot lie about this. I have long wished, that I could be given the chance to talk with her once more in the future, to hear how her life turned out, to see the woman she grew into, to find out about her children, and see her as a mother.
I know, deep down, there may have been some part of me that wanted to cry about this realization that when last I saw her, we were together, we were in love, it was us who were supposed to be having a life together, and now, that memory is all that remains-a memory.
But God answered my prayers. I asked Him to give her a good man, and it seems as though He has. I also cannot lie in hoping that perhaps one day it may have been me who was this "good man", but I know now this can never be.
Only at this moment now, do I start to have tears in my eyes. But they aren't really tears of sadness. They're tears of joy. Joy at knowing He has brought her new love and new hope, joy at knowing He is watching over her and taking care of her, joy at knowing He listened to my prayers, from deep inside my heart of hearts.
God is the one being who will ever truly know us completely. As such, He knows full well just how fierce I loved Kaesey Fridman. How, if it weren't for all the self-destruction that took place in my life, I would have ventured to the gates of Hell and pierced satan himself if it was what was required of me to gain back her love.
Even now, to this day, I can say truly that she was the most amazing woman I've ever met. I will always cherish the fact that God gave me the chance to share my heart with her, even if I was flawed and broken, He gave me the chance to experience a truly wonderful person in my life, and He has answered my prayers for her.
Kaesey Friedman, I shall never forget you. You will always rest in my heart with honor and respect. I thank you for the love you gave me when I needed it most.
May God be with you unto the end of all things and beyond.
In His name I pray. Amen.
Her name will now and forever be unique and hold meaning to me, as unique and meaningful as she herself was.
If ever there was a bright spot, a shinging light in my life before the Lord Himself showed up on my doorstep and said "take my hand", it was indeed her. To know her was to love her, and to love her was to have happiness inside of my heart.
It's been over two years now, since the fateful day when I became so angry and fed up with the hatred of the world that I screamed to her through a text message, of all things, that we no longer existed. The world had taken one of my last refuges of innocence away from me, and I wanted to make something in the world feel as much pain at that moment as I felt inside, and sadly, Kaesey was the recipient. Someone I knew and cherished, someone who was very dear to me, had a very serious encounter with the ugliness of the world, and, in that moment of finding this out, I snapped.
Kaesey, ever the one to be consoling, spoke to me and my heart heard what it wanted to hear, and not what was being said. I pounced on the opportunity to inflict the pain I was feeling onto her, and I raged with the devil inside me, and poured it unto her.
This, sadly, was only the point of her finality in realizing she could no longer give her heart to me. As we had been together for nearly 4 years prior, she was a true champion of spirit, never giving up on me, never wanting to believe I was as horribly lost as I was at the time.
I was, for lack of a better term, an unbalanced, extreme equation. She always spoke to me with the cheery enthusiasm of "everything in moderation, Tim", as she knew how polarizing to one side or the other of things I could become.
I let my anger and depression and hate and sadness and all things unhealthy for a human being, I let them all consume me, and then I let that connsumation be taken out on her, for she was the one person who was closest to me, who I felt as though I could harm with indifference, and she would just bear the brunt of my attacks.
There were counteless times when I was mean-spirited, ill-tempered, foul-mooded(is that a word?), or just an all around motherfucker towards her, and those countless times tended to be due to instances of my life that had zero to do with her. A bad day meant she would feel my brutality of verbalism. Or a sad day meant she would deal with my depression, and the ever-so-cliche "woe is me" pouting and whining and acting the role of loser all the time, and it was all laid at her feet, constantly.
I made her suffer me. And suffer me she did. Greatly.
There were times where I'd be so enamored in my own wallowing filth that I would not talk to her for hours, if we were in the car togehter on a road trip, or I'd let a few days go back because of some silly comment she'd make that I would always take wrong, as if I was looking for a reason to have an excuse to not want to talk to her.
To make her feel the same pain I did. To, as shitty as this sounds, let her experience the pain I felt constantly in my life.
And yet, through all of this, she loved me.
She loved me like no other has, and I loved her in the same fashion. When I was in an okay state of mind, we made an incredible partnership. We shared similar interests, we laughed at the same commercials or would come up with relatively cool ideas for how things could be, we loved talking to one another.
Near the end of things, we'd planned a day of picnicing at a local part, to have a lunch and bring a bunch of philosophical questions to ask each other, so we could learn the intimate parts of one another. I still remember her asking me about snails, or, no, not asking, telling me her thoughts on snails and their lives, and what they go through.
If you knew us, you knew that I had several nicknames for her, because of just how special she was to me. She was my skittle. My cuter. She was, most of all, my amazing. I'd even introduce her that way to people sometimes, 'this is my amazin', because of just how incredible she was to me. How dearly I held her in my heart.
I loved her for the biggest things, but the little things were what made that love solid, what gave it the foundation it did.
I was speaking to a friend recently, who was having trouble on the day of his anniversary of a break-up with the woman who he'd loved, and I wanted to share with him something so he could understand it would be okay.
Near the first Christmas Kaesey & I had together, we were talking about childhood memories of Christmas and favorite gifts, years, etc. I'm pretty sure about this particular part, though I could be mistaken, but it feels right to me in my heart, so I hope I do this memory justice in its accuracy.
We both were reminiscing about when you could go to the school workshops in young elementary times, and buy Christmas gifts. I'm sure you all remember it, or something similar to it. You got to go during class or lunch and buy little trinket type gifts in the gym or cafeteria, they were maybe a dollar or two, or a combination of money and points you got in class for assignments or whatnot.
Well, I remember us talking about this, but after she'd mentioned buying the gifts and whatnot, she had said she also made sure to wrap little presents of change in wrapping paper separately for her family members. I remember asking her why she did that, and with tears in her eyes, and her face red, she told me it was because she wanted to make sure if they didn't like their presents, they could still buy something that would make them happy.
As I wrote this to my friend, and as I'm writing this to you right now, this tears me apart because I think it may have been one of the earliest moments where I knew inside that I was falling in love with this girl. Her heart is the size of a planet, and she was always so caring and thoughtful. I mean, as a child, she was wrapping change to make sure her sister or parents could get a nice gift in case they didn't like what she got them. I will always cherish this memory of her sharing that with me. I can still remember where we were in her bedroom when she said this, and all I wanted to do was hug her with everything I had.
Do you remember "Saving Private Ryan" when Tom Hanks is talking about how he remembers his wifes gloves, and that's how he remembers her? Or how in "Good Will Hunting" Robin Williams mentions how his wife would fart in her sleep, sometimes she'd wake herself up, but he could never have the heart to tell her, so he'd blame it on the dog?
This is how I will always remember Kaesey. Through the little things like wrapping change in gift wrap. Or how she always said "oi, man" whenever I was being a dork. Or her excitement over little things like good pasta, or having chicken nuggets and corn for a meal.
I destroyed all of this. I killed away this union between us, because I so hated the world, that I sacrificed the one person I loved for it.
We looked to try our hand at friendship after we'd had the official breaking up conversation a few weeks later, but sadly, I was too broken. And if you can believe just how far her amazingness extended, she wanted to stay my friend because she knew just how damaged and tortured I was inside, and she didn't want to lose out on knowing whether or not I'd be okay.
This girl, this amazing woman, is a model of how a woman should be. Caring beyond her own boarders, even when it hurt her.
I'd continued to screw up my life over those next few months, falling deeper into drugs and depression and sloth and gluttony, further than I'd ever fallen. During this time, I tried talking to her a lot, tried forcing my way back into things, so to speak, but to no avail, at which point, I became angry and bitter that she was now ignoring me. I was placing too much on her, at too soon and too delicate a time in her life, I'd never once thought she needed healing. I figured she was so incredibly strong inside, so incredibly not like me and my weakness, that it was as easy as a flip of a switch for her to move forward. She had a great circle of support, and I, I had no one. The one friend I had at the time basically told me he saw this coming a mile away and knew it was going to end like this, and, well, fuck him for saying that. I forgive him for it now, but at the time, it was most certainly not what I'd needed to be hearing from anyone.
And still, a few months later, I was screwing around on facebook, looking at her profile, and had accidentally clicked on the "buy profile" during the whole 'top friends' craze, when fb was still getting going. She deleted or blocked me from viewing her profile that same day, and I freaked out thinking I'd blown my last chance at things. I was truly without hope, and that night, I drove down to her place, pretty much in tears the entire time, and tossed my cross necklace she'd given me outside her security gate. It was the only thing I could think to do in showing her just how far I had fallen. She'd gotten it for me for Christmas one year, and though I was not religious, the cross would be who I would have associated God with, and as I'd felt so broken up inside, I thought she should have it back....without irony, this all happened 4 days before I'd been invited to the Easter show and met Jesus and started my walk towards God.
Life, over the next six months, had been moving steady and okay for me. I'd had a job, and it was my birthday. I'd just thrown my first party, and it was my first birthday without her, but with a new gaggle of friends who cared for me and loved me (Note-it's pretty funny for me to have actually had a "gaggle" of friends, as this was something I'd previously never had in life)
And so, that whole week, I was thinking about her, and was doing work down in her work neighborhood, and turned a corner one day and saw the restaurant I'd taken her for her birthday one year. I thought, with all these "signs" I was being given, God was saying contact her. So I did.
I only had her work number, and left a voice mail saying hi hello yadda yadda would you like to meet for a cup of coffee, wish you well, God bless.
Needless to say, it didn't go very well. She wrote me an email two days later saying she needed me to understand, I cannot contact her anymore. She was very angry that I'd called her at her work, even if it was with good intentions. Nor did she like that I'd driven by her house, and said it was downright intrusive. She also said my family needed to stop contacting her as well, as she was growing tired of it. The last words she spoke or wrote to me were
"this is my final contact. thank you"
If ever I'd felt my heart sink before, it was low as low could go. It felt so cold, so lifeless, so...devoid of hope. I hadn't realized she'd grown to be so unhappy with me over this roughly year since we'd broken up, and I'd had no idea what family she was talking about, for, as far as I knew, no one told me they'd spoken to her in months.
I was broken once more by this email. Those last words felt like I was a case file, a serial # in some service report, as if I'd never existed in the first place. It had seemed as though my wish, a year before, of us saying we no longer existed, had finally come true in her heart.
This, of course, didn't stop me from wallowing and being sad and talking to many of my friends for hours upon end of just how badly I'd regretted doing the things I did to her, that led up to the finality of the situation. I told them if she was the last woman who God would ever have me love, then I would be fine with it. So amazing was she that I believed I had been given something truly, truly special, and I was okay if this meant I had 'widowed' myself.
Fast forward to this past September, the day after my birthday...
I woke up, and had in my inbox to my old email and my normal one, emails from her address. A few weeks prior, I'd had emails similar as well, but they were blank. I'd of course found the first ones odd, and welcomed with almost a sense of hope thinking maybe she was writing me, maybe she'd wanted to talk. But, from the looks of things, it looked like someone had gotten her account, or it was spammed, except the mails were indeed from her name. I politely wrote, the first time, that I'd gotten emails from her, and thought maybe she should check her accounts to be safe. Nothing more, nothing less. Well, of course God bless.
But the day after my birthday weekend, to have woken up again, and had them once more, it proved to start breaking away at me once more. And so I wrote her back, only this time I wrote her a lengthy email. It included my testimony, which was something I had been actually thinking about wanting to send her for a while, but didn't know how to, and it included an asking of forgiveness from what I'd done to her. I told her I had wished I could have honored the friendship she had wanted to keep with me and had her there for the day of my baptism, but was so very sorry I could not.
I told her just how much of a bright spot she was to my life, how, before knowing God, she was indeed the best, greatest thing that I believe ever happened to me, and I thanked her for everything she ever gave me. I told her that I know she would have a great life, and I wished her blessings, peace, and love.
From time to time, I've prayed to God about her. Whether or not I could ever be with her again, whether or not I could ever sit down with her and have a conversation, or whether or not she would forgive me. I've prayed that he would bring her happiness in her life, and joy, and that whoever she would meet and be with, that he treated her better than I ever did, that he would love her and honor her, and be good to her, and not to burden upon her the same types of negatives I had laid on her life. My prayer to God was one of hope for her, of asking Him to watch over her, and make sure she receives love.
Flash forward to today.
I wasn't sleeping well, in fact, I'd woken up early (as evidenced by this posting, and it's length). I was on facebook, and suddenly got the urge to search for her profile. Because of the fact that I had purchased it so very long ago, it means I still am able to see her profile picture, and nothing else, b/c I'm pretty sure she has blocked me from a long time ago. But, as I said, a picture is still available.
So after clicking on the picture, I see her profile photo.
Of her. And a man. Embracing.
With, from the looks of it, some type of ring on her right ring finger.
I did my best to recollect if there was a time when she wore a ring on this finger in her life when I knew her, and I could not think of any. I remember her wearing a ring on a pinky, perhaps, but for the life of me, I don't remember her ever having one on her ring finger.
As it's just a photo, I cannot say. But for all intents and purposes, a ring on your right ring finger means you're engaged to be married.
So, from the looks of it, she has found someone. Who she loves. Who loves her. Who she has agreed to spend her life with.
When I saw the photo, I paused for a long while. And I thought about it.
And while I was thinking about it, a warmness came over me.
And I realized....that God had answered my prayers.
He has given her someone she is happy with. Someone who will love her, honor her, and take care of her.
I was never able to do these things fully in the life I shared with her, the life I knew her in.
Does it pain me to know that I may never ever be in her presence again? Yes. I cannot lie about this. I have long wished, that I could be given the chance to talk with her once more in the future, to hear how her life turned out, to see the woman she grew into, to find out about her children, and see her as a mother.
I know, deep down, there may have been some part of me that wanted to cry about this realization that when last I saw her, we were together, we were in love, it was us who were supposed to be having a life together, and now, that memory is all that remains-a memory.
But God answered my prayers. I asked Him to give her a good man, and it seems as though He has. I also cannot lie in hoping that perhaps one day it may have been me who was this "good man", but I know now this can never be.
Only at this moment now, do I start to have tears in my eyes. But they aren't really tears of sadness. They're tears of joy. Joy at knowing He has brought her new love and new hope, joy at knowing He is watching over her and taking care of her, joy at knowing He listened to my prayers, from deep inside my heart of hearts.
God is the one being who will ever truly know us completely. As such, He knows full well just how fierce I loved Kaesey Fridman. How, if it weren't for all the self-destruction that took place in my life, I would have ventured to the gates of Hell and pierced satan himself if it was what was required of me to gain back her love.
Even now, to this day, I can say truly that she was the most amazing woman I've ever met. I will always cherish the fact that God gave me the chance to share my heart with her, even if I was flawed and broken, He gave me the chance to experience a truly wonderful person in my life, and He has answered my prayers for her.
Kaesey Friedman, I shall never forget you. You will always rest in my heart with honor and respect. I thank you for the love you gave me when I needed it most.
May God be with you unto the end of all things and beyond.
In His name I pray. Amen.
Monday, December 27, 2010
90 Days w/Jesus...Day 12
(action points Luke 2:38-39,51-52)
1. What image do you think most people have of the man, Jesus of Nazareth? And why do you think they perceive Him that way?
Society and tradition have seemingly hammered into our heads the idea that Jesus looked like a modern-day hippie. Long flowing hair, great deep beard, loose tunic clothing, and always looking chilled out at any time of day, like nothing could phase him. He probably strikes them as the most beautiful idea of what a hippie could be, or, more specifically, what God would be if He were to be in a man. Facial symmetry would be perfect, eyes not to bulgy, not too sunken in, nose not small or big, just right, no blemishes, no oily skin, doesn't seem to sweat, and may even be slightly metro in having very little body hair.
Indiana Jones did a good job of showing how society thinks about God & His holiness in the Last Crusade. When they finally reach the resting place of the cup of Christ, the Knight says they must choose. And in our human sin of vanity, Ilsa grabs the most gorgeous, jewel-encrusted, golden chalice as God's cup. Donovan, her boss, marvels at it's beauty, and says truly, this is the cup of Christ (if memory serves). Of course, he's wrong, and is turned into a shriveled-up dust prune who blows away. Indy is left to search, and he finds the most unassuming, misshapen, dusty, dirty, old-looking, been dug out of the ground, cup. Just a cup, nothing fancy or remarkable about it.
Of course, this turns out to indeed be the cup that caught Christs' blood, and I think that in itself is a way of describing Jesus. Well, not that he's dug out of the ground, or that he's dirty, but that He, like the cup, was unassuming. His looks were just human features, He wasn't trying to get on People's 'Sexiest God Alive' list, because His job on this planet was to be the servant of the Lord. His acts and actions, along with His word, were what men should be focused on, not his physical appearance.
A very vulgar comic who I laugh at, gave a pretty funny description of what Jesus looked like. He was talking how it's been proven that thousands of years ago, people we're smaller, so Jesus was probably only about 5' tall, and that He looked like a tiny Arab Jew. The guy said he looked more like a super mario brother than anything else, and, for sake of not becoming to blasphemous, this description is probably not too far from the truth; Jesus was designed to just look like an everyday guy.
You know how you can find a person beautiful for something in particular, say, their eyes, or their smile, or the way their cheekbones are, yet they themselves may not be the go-to idea in your head of beautiful? Jesus looked like that.
But as the world has taught us, through it's evil charade, we are to judge people based on beauty and outward appearance. If a person looks homely, unkempt, sick, or poor, we are taught to think that they are a.) dirty, and b.) beneath us. We are taught to be proud in our own looks, unless of course, there's someone who looks better than us standing next to us, in which case we know become the homely looking, average person.
It's all just another one of the devil's tricks to divide us into debating over what Jesus looked like. I'd say, He looked like truth. He looked like love. There's not really any other way he could be described. He simply looked the way His word was/is-truth.
(sad to say I have the physical idea that Jesus looks a lot like Jim Caveziel in Passion of the Christ. It was really my first major film experience in watching "Jesus" for an extended period of time, though of course we've all seen numerous photos/drawings, etc. I know, that this too, is perhaps not how He looked, but His portrayal of the Lord is what planted an idea of His image in my head)
2.In today's reading, I'll share one of the qualities I most like in people. What would be on your list if you were to make one? And which of them could you see Jesus possessing?
Don't you love it, when you're having a conversation with someone, telling them something, revealing something about yourself, and you see them listening intently, their eyes and facial expressions moving along with the words you say? How it's as if the rest of the world is sort of turned to mute while they devote their complete attention to you, and are completely caught up with what you're talking about? Imagine now, if it's the person you're in love with, and they're talking. How they would readily tell you they could listen to you talk for hours, just to hear you speak?
When a person has such an open....warmth about their self, when they show you they are ready to give you their undivided attention, to let you know that right now, at this moment, you are the only thing that matter to them? This is something that I love in people. When they're accepting you, all of you, and wishing to learn and grow from listening to you, and they aren't just waiting for you to stop talking so they can speak. It makes me feel special inside, makes me feel, well, secure almost, for knowing I am hear, pouring myself out, and they are here, receiving me for all that I am.
I would very much imagine Jesus had this quality. He would never be too busy for you, never want to turn you away so He could talk to another person before He was absolutely sure you were taken care of. At no point would He tire of hearing you speak, or ask Him questions, or would he grow bored of being around you. You would, in effect, be the most important person to the world in Jesus, which, with zero irony, is actually what every person IS to Jesus-we are all equally the most important thing to Him. He loves us so much that His undivided attention is always given to us, so that we may share in the life and love He wishes to give.
He wants us to know we can tell Him anything, and not be afraid. He wants us to know that we could talk for hours to Him, and He would never tire of us. He seeks to hear everything about our lives, from our words, from our voices, from our hearts. He desires to know us, fully and completely, so we will never have hesitation in our willingness to talk to Him about anything and everything, no matter how big or small it may be.
This is how much He loves us. He died for everyone who's ever lived, breathed, or will live, so that He can spend the rest of forever getting to know us, and sharing His love with us.
Jesus Rulz :)
Amen.
1. What image do you think most people have of the man, Jesus of Nazareth? And why do you think they perceive Him that way?
Society and tradition have seemingly hammered into our heads the idea that Jesus looked like a modern-day hippie. Long flowing hair, great deep beard, loose tunic clothing, and always looking chilled out at any time of day, like nothing could phase him. He probably strikes them as the most beautiful idea of what a hippie could be, or, more specifically, what God would be if He were to be in a man. Facial symmetry would be perfect, eyes not to bulgy, not too sunken in, nose not small or big, just right, no blemishes, no oily skin, doesn't seem to sweat, and may even be slightly metro in having very little body hair.
Indiana Jones did a good job of showing how society thinks about God & His holiness in the Last Crusade. When they finally reach the resting place of the cup of Christ, the Knight says they must choose. And in our human sin of vanity, Ilsa grabs the most gorgeous, jewel-encrusted, golden chalice as God's cup. Donovan, her boss, marvels at it's beauty, and says truly, this is the cup of Christ (if memory serves). Of course, he's wrong, and is turned into a shriveled-up dust prune who blows away. Indy is left to search, and he finds the most unassuming, misshapen, dusty, dirty, old-looking, been dug out of the ground, cup. Just a cup, nothing fancy or remarkable about it.
Of course, this turns out to indeed be the cup that caught Christs' blood, and I think that in itself is a way of describing Jesus. Well, not that he's dug out of the ground, or that he's dirty, but that He, like the cup, was unassuming. His looks were just human features, He wasn't trying to get on People's 'Sexiest God Alive' list, because His job on this planet was to be the servant of the Lord. His acts and actions, along with His word, were what men should be focused on, not his physical appearance.
A very vulgar comic who I laugh at, gave a pretty funny description of what Jesus looked like. He was talking how it's been proven that thousands of years ago, people we're smaller, so Jesus was probably only about 5' tall, and that He looked like a tiny Arab Jew. The guy said he looked more like a super mario brother than anything else, and, for sake of not becoming to blasphemous, this description is probably not too far from the truth; Jesus was designed to just look like an everyday guy.
You know how you can find a person beautiful for something in particular, say, their eyes, or their smile, or the way their cheekbones are, yet they themselves may not be the go-to idea in your head of beautiful? Jesus looked like that.
But as the world has taught us, through it's evil charade, we are to judge people based on beauty and outward appearance. If a person looks homely, unkempt, sick, or poor, we are taught to think that they are a.) dirty, and b.) beneath us. We are taught to be proud in our own looks, unless of course, there's someone who looks better than us standing next to us, in which case we know become the homely looking, average person.
It's all just another one of the devil's tricks to divide us into debating over what Jesus looked like. I'd say, He looked like truth. He looked like love. There's not really any other way he could be described. He simply looked the way His word was/is-truth.
(sad to say I have the physical idea that Jesus looks a lot like Jim Caveziel in Passion of the Christ. It was really my first major film experience in watching "Jesus" for an extended period of time, though of course we've all seen numerous photos/drawings, etc. I know, that this too, is perhaps not how He looked, but His portrayal of the Lord is what planted an idea of His image in my head)
2.In today's reading, I'll share one of the qualities I most like in people. What would be on your list if you were to make one? And which of them could you see Jesus possessing?
Don't you love it, when you're having a conversation with someone, telling them something, revealing something about yourself, and you see them listening intently, their eyes and facial expressions moving along with the words you say? How it's as if the rest of the world is sort of turned to mute while they devote their complete attention to you, and are completely caught up with what you're talking about? Imagine now, if it's the person you're in love with, and they're talking. How they would readily tell you they could listen to you talk for hours, just to hear you speak?
When a person has such an open....warmth about their self, when they show you they are ready to give you their undivided attention, to let you know that right now, at this moment, you are the only thing that matter to them? This is something that I love in people. When they're accepting you, all of you, and wishing to learn and grow from listening to you, and they aren't just waiting for you to stop talking so they can speak. It makes me feel special inside, makes me feel, well, secure almost, for knowing I am hear, pouring myself out, and they are here, receiving me for all that I am.
I would very much imagine Jesus had this quality. He would never be too busy for you, never want to turn you away so He could talk to another person before He was absolutely sure you were taken care of. At no point would He tire of hearing you speak, or ask Him questions, or would he grow bored of being around you. You would, in effect, be the most important person to the world in Jesus, which, with zero irony, is actually what every person IS to Jesus-we are all equally the most important thing to Him. He loves us so much that His undivided attention is always given to us, so that we may share in the life and love He wishes to give.
He wants us to know we can tell Him anything, and not be afraid. He wants us to know that we could talk for hours to Him, and He would never tire of us. He seeks to hear everything about our lives, from our words, from our voices, from our hearts. He desires to know us, fully and completely, so we will never have hesitation in our willingness to talk to Him about anything and everything, no matter how big or small it may be.
This is how much He loves us. He died for everyone who's ever lived, breathed, or will live, so that He can spend the rest of forever getting to know us, and sharing His love with us.
Jesus Rulz :)
Amen.
In other news...
May I say, which I've said before, though it seems even I myself cannot follow the advice-
Whenever there is a subject that is not of the non-chalant factor (i.e., the weather, daily grind, movies, books, etc.) and the subject is something having to do with emotions, opinions, philosophies, or differences, one should NEVER, EVER, deal with them in email form, for when we do things through email or text, it just seems to escalate.
I read something wrong, you read something wrong. I respond from how I heard it, you respond from how you read it, then you buy a bazooka, I buy a tank, and next thing you know, it's battle hymns for the broken between two people who never looked to go anywhere near it in the first place.
Text communication is fine for the little things, but if it's anything bigger than that, or if you feel slighted, or don't get something, or think something is odd in how it's written down, BACK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!
I've made the mistake of making the mistake of reading something wrong someone asked me, which they asked out of innocence. And yet, here I was, not heeding my own advice, and responding through a text, responding through an email.
Now here it is, all blown out of proportion, arms dangling off the wall, blood splatters on the ceiling, and the dog is missing.
FUCKARGH!!!! & a GAAAAAAH to boot!!!
The ironic part is, I actually thought I'd send a video response, that way nothing I said would be misread/heard/construed, and though I'm not saying anything did, I'm left thinking to myself "damnit, Tim, if you'd only recorded your response instead of emailing it"
Again, FUCKAAAAARRRRGH!!!!!
Whenever there is a subject that is not of the non-chalant factor (i.e., the weather, daily grind, movies, books, etc.) and the subject is something having to do with emotions, opinions, philosophies, or differences, one should NEVER, EVER, deal with them in email form, for when we do things through email or text, it just seems to escalate.
I read something wrong, you read something wrong. I respond from how I heard it, you respond from how you read it, then you buy a bazooka, I buy a tank, and next thing you know, it's battle hymns for the broken between two people who never looked to go anywhere near it in the first place.
Text communication is fine for the little things, but if it's anything bigger than that, or if you feel slighted, or don't get something, or think something is odd in how it's written down, BACK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!
I've made the mistake of making the mistake of reading something wrong someone asked me, which they asked out of innocence. And yet, here I was, not heeding my own advice, and responding through a text, responding through an email.
Now here it is, all blown out of proportion, arms dangling off the wall, blood splatters on the ceiling, and the dog is missing.
FUCKARGH!!!! & a GAAAAAAH to boot!!!
The ironic part is, I actually thought I'd send a video response, that way nothing I said would be misread/heard/construed, and though I'm not saying anything did, I'm left thinking to myself "damnit, Tim, if you'd only recorded your response instead of emailing it"
Again, FUCKAAAAARRRRGH!!!!!
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 11
(action points Luke 2:48-50)
1. When was the last time you received an answer from the Lord that seemed this far above your ability to understand it?
Would it be weak of me to say I can't answer this question because I don't know of a point when God did something so above me that I couldn't recognize it? The only decision that I remotely think could be applicable here is my moving to Alabama.
It seemed as though I was finding no answers in California, and falling into some of the same heavy amounts of sin as was my nature previous to knowing the Lord. There were habits and acts I was still engaging in with regularity after my baptism in Christ, and I suppose Alabama would be the answer He gave me so that I may be rid of these desires I still had.
At the time, Alabama was the only option I had to go with. It wasn't as if I had multiple choice. I was unemployed, had no money, and no place to stay. I was living in my grandmother's home which she was finally selling, and so I'd moved back in with my parents, who, barely a week or two after my salvation, informed me they had an opportunity to buy a home here, and were inviting me along, telling me they welcomed me and thought it could provide me with a fresh start.
I wasn't exactly all jump jive'n wail about this whole thing, mind you. I felt as though I was being robbed of an opportunity to grow in the Lord and grow in life through the recent friends I'd been blessed with there in California over the preceeding year. I felt scared, apprehensive, without control over anything. It wasn't that great. In fact, I'm sure I even buried myself into more sin so I could ignore or drown out the fact that I was leaving the place I've called home for nearly the last two decades.
I remember, one night, at a small group, my good friend Jason, speaking on my moving. He himself had been a young man who moved from Chicago out to California, and knew no one, literally, and yet found a good life that was given him by God there. He told me he viewed my moving as ultimately a positive thing, that as I knew, the Lord would be with me, regardless of where I made my home, He would be there for me.
I can say, in looking at the situation now, I think perhaps God was pulling me away so that I may learn to immerse myself more into Him & His word, to grow into seeking Him more and making Him the overall desire of my heart & soul.
Last night, Christmas night, I tossed and turned for hours, not being able to get my mind off of wondering what God's purpose for me is here, in this place. And I've come to the conclusion that perhaps it indeed was His desire to have me come here so that I may learn to seek Him more, through daily bible reading/studying, through prayer & thanks, so that I may in fact head back to the place I felt where my home was once before. I believe God was simply using my absence from my 'known' life in order to show me fullness in my new, 'unknown' life.
This is what I believe, yet, as Mary did not understand that Jesus would have known no other place but to be in the Lord when he responded to her, I also do not fully comprehend what lies in store for me over these next 5-6 months. I think I'm intended to finish getting through the Bible completely, which, after calculating the amount of pages left and my average daily amount of reading (barring additional searches or moments of divine inspiration), will be roughly 5-6 months from now. Also, as I'm working on this devotional book, for Christmas I was given one of the companion copies, 90 Days w/Paul. I don't have to really explain Paul here to most people, as I'm sure whoever is reading my blog has some relative idea of who he was and who he became, but I also calculate that by the time I would finish both of these books, it would also be the 5-6 month period.
So inasmuch as I do not fully understand the Lord's intent for me, nor whether or not Alabama was an answer to a question I have yet to comprehend, my feelings inside tell me that I'm to use this time to grow closer to Him, so that if and when I return home to my native land, it shall be as if I'm a new person, inside and out......
2. What do you do with answers from His Word that either seem not to make sense or seem impossible to emulate?
I flip a coin.
No, no, just kidding. Well, when I'm reading one of the many interior books, and something pops in my head, either reading over a decree or wondering about things like sacrifice, righteousness, slaughter in the name of, etc., I kind of just toss it in the air...come to think of it, I guess I sort of do a coin toss, but instead of waiting for it to land on one side or the other, I wait for God to put something on my heart about it.
I've had a hard time reading the books of Leviticus or Deuter, because there are, at times, many things in it that piss me off, that make me angry with God. But I don't seek to hide these from thoughts or questions from God. Sometimes, I just stop my reading, and sit there, saying it out loud, going over it in a singular monologue sort of way. There's times when I may let my words move on their own (or I suppose this is God Himself speaking through me aloud so I may receive an audible response) in order to move towards the answer. I say a statement or verse out loud, think about the possible reasons why or why not, ponder it, twist it over and over as if it's a rubix cube in my hands, examining it's every feature, looking at it, and once an answer comes to me, if it feels as though it's right, I move on. Other times, when I feel the urge to say "yeah, but", usually I may tend to text a friend of mine, someone who knows the bible a little more in depth than myself, who's had a chance to perhaps ask the same questions as me, so that he may find the truth behind them. I trust this person because I know he seeks not to mislead me, but to help enlighten me by presenting me with facts, translations, interpretations, etc, all of which I know he has come to through his studying. He's sort of like my backup pastor or go-to theologian when I need some help. He makes himself humble before God and so I believe his heart speaks from truth, and I respect his opinions he shares with me.
Amen.
1. When was the last time you received an answer from the Lord that seemed this far above your ability to understand it?
Would it be weak of me to say I can't answer this question because I don't know of a point when God did something so above me that I couldn't recognize it? The only decision that I remotely think could be applicable here is my moving to Alabama.
It seemed as though I was finding no answers in California, and falling into some of the same heavy amounts of sin as was my nature previous to knowing the Lord. There were habits and acts I was still engaging in with regularity after my baptism in Christ, and I suppose Alabama would be the answer He gave me so that I may be rid of these desires I still had.
At the time, Alabama was the only option I had to go with. It wasn't as if I had multiple choice. I was unemployed, had no money, and no place to stay. I was living in my grandmother's home which she was finally selling, and so I'd moved back in with my parents, who, barely a week or two after my salvation, informed me they had an opportunity to buy a home here, and were inviting me along, telling me they welcomed me and thought it could provide me with a fresh start.
I wasn't exactly all jump jive'n wail about this whole thing, mind you. I felt as though I was being robbed of an opportunity to grow in the Lord and grow in life through the recent friends I'd been blessed with there in California over the preceeding year. I felt scared, apprehensive, without control over anything. It wasn't that great. In fact, I'm sure I even buried myself into more sin so I could ignore or drown out the fact that I was leaving the place I've called home for nearly the last two decades.
I remember, one night, at a small group, my good friend Jason, speaking on my moving. He himself had been a young man who moved from Chicago out to California, and knew no one, literally, and yet found a good life that was given him by God there. He told me he viewed my moving as ultimately a positive thing, that as I knew, the Lord would be with me, regardless of where I made my home, He would be there for me.
I can say, in looking at the situation now, I think perhaps God was pulling me away so that I may learn to immerse myself more into Him & His word, to grow into seeking Him more and making Him the overall desire of my heart & soul.
Last night, Christmas night, I tossed and turned for hours, not being able to get my mind off of wondering what God's purpose for me is here, in this place. And I've come to the conclusion that perhaps it indeed was His desire to have me come here so that I may learn to seek Him more, through daily bible reading/studying, through prayer & thanks, so that I may in fact head back to the place I felt where my home was once before. I believe God was simply using my absence from my 'known' life in order to show me fullness in my new, 'unknown' life.
This is what I believe, yet, as Mary did not understand that Jesus would have known no other place but to be in the Lord when he responded to her, I also do not fully comprehend what lies in store for me over these next 5-6 months. I think I'm intended to finish getting through the Bible completely, which, after calculating the amount of pages left and my average daily amount of reading (barring additional searches or moments of divine inspiration), will be roughly 5-6 months from now. Also, as I'm working on this devotional book, for Christmas I was given one of the companion copies, 90 Days w/Paul. I don't have to really explain Paul here to most people, as I'm sure whoever is reading my blog has some relative idea of who he was and who he became, but I also calculate that by the time I would finish both of these books, it would also be the 5-6 month period.
So inasmuch as I do not fully understand the Lord's intent for me, nor whether or not Alabama was an answer to a question I have yet to comprehend, my feelings inside tell me that I'm to use this time to grow closer to Him, so that if and when I return home to my native land, it shall be as if I'm a new person, inside and out......
2. What do you do with answers from His Word that either seem not to make sense or seem impossible to emulate?
I flip a coin.
No, no, just kidding. Well, when I'm reading one of the many interior books, and something pops in my head, either reading over a decree or wondering about things like sacrifice, righteousness, slaughter in the name of, etc., I kind of just toss it in the air...come to think of it, I guess I sort of do a coin toss, but instead of waiting for it to land on one side or the other, I wait for God to put something on my heart about it.
I've had a hard time reading the books of Leviticus or Deuter, because there are, at times, many things in it that piss me off, that make me angry with God. But I don't seek to hide these from thoughts or questions from God. Sometimes, I just stop my reading, and sit there, saying it out loud, going over it in a singular monologue sort of way. There's times when I may let my words move on their own (or I suppose this is God Himself speaking through me aloud so I may receive an audible response) in order to move towards the answer. I say a statement or verse out loud, think about the possible reasons why or why not, ponder it, twist it over and over as if it's a rubix cube in my hands, examining it's every feature, looking at it, and once an answer comes to me, if it feels as though it's right, I move on. Other times, when I feel the urge to say "yeah, but", usually I may tend to text a friend of mine, someone who knows the bible a little more in depth than myself, who's had a chance to perhaps ask the same questions as me, so that he may find the truth behind them. I trust this person because I know he seeks not to mislead me, but to help enlighten me by presenting me with facts, translations, interpretations, etc, all of which I know he has come to through his studying. He's sort of like my backup pastor or go-to theologian when I need some help. He makes himself humble before God and so I believe his heart speaks from truth, and I respect his opinions he shares with me.
Amen.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 10
(action points Luke 2:41-47)
1. What are some of the questions you have for Him right now? And how assured are you that He is listening.
To begin, my assurances comes from scripture, which comes from Jesus' mouth, who is the living Word, which means what He says is truth. As He tells us that he will always be with us, until the end of all things and beyond, then I know every thought, every action I have, is made aware to Him. With theses words coming out of my heart and soul and onto this screen, He knows all answers to everything, and sees my inner depths, and as His knowledge and reign is over all things, then this means He has answers to every question I may have, even questions I do not yet know that will ever arise in my life, but because he is Absolute Truth, then there shall never be anything I can say to Him or to ask Him that He would not be prepared for, even if His answer is "not right now", or "I have something better in store for you; trust me"
God, what would you have me do for your glory? What is it you've had my life go through, that I may be of service to you, but letting others know about my life? I've had many hardships, many moments of despair, of thinking I was alone, of thinking all of creation despised me and wished to see me erased from the very fabric of existence. Were these moments in my life, moments where I wished to feel an absolute nothingness, were they merely tools for you to prepare me for my future?
Will I love again, O Mighty Lord? You can see through me like the clearest oceans, you know my heart. You know that I struggle with believing my heart can be loved once more, that I may be held and embraced and be told I am worthy of someone's love. All love I knew, in the relationship sense of the word, exsited before I knew you, God. And in its existence came its destruction in order that I may know you. This has pained my heart over a great many things. I know there were many moments, many times in my past, where I've done sinful things through my sinful nature, and though one sin is the same as any sin in your eyes, my heart has wished and sought mending of the pain I caused those I loved with all the heart I had at the time. All good things come from God, which means my love for her came from you. Can I ever hope to stand before her again, and share with her the Glory you have given my life, if, in the end, it only means I can give her peace in her heart for the very same thing that still causes conflict in mine? Lord, how may I give this offering over to your righteousness, so that you may not let me hold sway to my human emotions. I love deeply, God. You know this about me. When my feelings extend out to a person, it's as if they become a part of me, that all I know of them takes a spot within me, and I treasure them, as you treasure me. Will the day come, Father, when I am at peace in my heart with her? When I do not seek to mend, but only to remember in joy and love?
O God, what can I continue to let go of, continue to give up, so that I may be fully dedicated to you and your Word? How is it I can grow into the man you look for me to be? I ask you for your Word to speak to me, to point out to me all that I still cling to that is not of you, so that it may not hinder me in my ever seeking your truth? I think now of a quote by Buddha of all people-There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting. Let me not turn back God, no matter how treacherous I may find the road, no matter what the danger or despair I may face, but that I may take my refuge in you, Sovereign God, who rules all and protects all those who live in your Righteous Holiness. Let my every breath be your breath. May my every act be one of faith, may I learn to be blessed and to bless those I come in contact with, may every person I meet in my life, from this point forth, know that I serve Christ, through my submission to you....
2. What do you think it will require for you to be receptive to "His understanding and His answers"?
Obedience, but not because I know I should be obedient, rather, that I choose obedience. God may whisper, He may shout, He may not answer, He may bring the thunder, but His goal is all the same-to bring us closer to Him. I can only hope to become closer by listening, by seeking, by asking, by following. I have to accept that His answers for me may not always be the answers I seek, and know that the things I seek may be for my glory, and not for His. I must learn to be humble in listening to God. As Jesus sat in the temple, He humbled himself by listening, by being willing to hear our every concern, by having compassion for all of our questions.
A step that I've taken, which I figure to be Him, making a little whisper in my ear or tug on my coat, is to stop being concerned with the politics of the world. It seems today, everyone not only has an opinion, but that their opinion about every matter, every moment, in every part of the world, must matter. If you don't agree with something happening in random country A, people look at you differently, thinking they are better or worse than you by this simple default. All too often in this country alone, are we divided up into "us & them". They're too forward and progressive, they're too backwards and conservative. All this every does to us is serve to keep our eye off the ball, which in this case, is God. We've been made to believe we have the power to change the world, when, in reality, we have no power whatsoever. It's given to us by God. My ability to write this blog is something given to me, by the Lord, and I wish to give it back to Him, by speaking truth, by wishing to keep His word and His decrees with what I do. If I'm always fighting some political fight, where it's only point is division, then I lose sight, I lose focus, on what I should be doing, and that is being a Disciple of Christ.
If you knew me a year ago, you would have seen how heavily politics and who's right and who's wrong controlled my heart. It divided my home, it divided my family, and most importantly, it separated me from God's love, because I was so enamored on it, instead of being in love with the very thing He was offering me, right in my lap-His Grace.
I also believe fullwell that I need to learn that I am not my body, and I am a soul, and not simply speak these words, but rule accordingly. Christ gave us dominion over all creatures on the planet, and since my soul is not of this planet, only my body, then I, by default, have dominion over myself. Which means I need to control what I eat, when I exercise, how I take care of myself. I'm not saying I need to turn into a vegan who exercises 97 hours a day, I'm simply saying that if this body is my temple, where my worship takes place, since my soul currently doesn't work anywhere else, then I need to be on top of it, and not vice versa. It has been given to me, as everything else, as a gift, and so I should (since also I've come to realize and accept I am a firstborn son) offer myself up as a sacrifice to God, and He in turn, has given me my body to take care of on His behalf, and so I shall.
Vince Lombardi once said "winning isn't a part-time thing. It isn't a sometime thing. It's an all-time thing" Well, replace 'winning' with 'God' or 'Christian' and that simply tells me every act in my life must be an act unto God's Glory, for if not, then it is not an act unto God, and an act not unto the Lord is a sin, no matter how you look at it.
Amen
1. What are some of the questions you have for Him right now? And how assured are you that He is listening.
To begin, my assurances comes from scripture, which comes from Jesus' mouth, who is the living Word, which means what He says is truth. As He tells us that he will always be with us, until the end of all things and beyond, then I know every thought, every action I have, is made aware to Him. With theses words coming out of my heart and soul and onto this screen, He knows all answers to everything, and sees my inner depths, and as His knowledge and reign is over all things, then this means He has answers to every question I may have, even questions I do not yet know that will ever arise in my life, but because he is Absolute Truth, then there shall never be anything I can say to Him or to ask Him that He would not be prepared for, even if His answer is "not right now", or "I have something better in store for you; trust me"
God, what would you have me do for your glory? What is it you've had my life go through, that I may be of service to you, but letting others know about my life? I've had many hardships, many moments of despair, of thinking I was alone, of thinking all of creation despised me and wished to see me erased from the very fabric of existence. Were these moments in my life, moments where I wished to feel an absolute nothingness, were they merely tools for you to prepare me for my future?
Will I love again, O Mighty Lord? You can see through me like the clearest oceans, you know my heart. You know that I struggle with believing my heart can be loved once more, that I may be held and embraced and be told I am worthy of someone's love. All love I knew, in the relationship sense of the word, exsited before I knew you, God. And in its existence came its destruction in order that I may know you. This has pained my heart over a great many things. I know there were many moments, many times in my past, where I've done sinful things through my sinful nature, and though one sin is the same as any sin in your eyes, my heart has wished and sought mending of the pain I caused those I loved with all the heart I had at the time. All good things come from God, which means my love for her came from you. Can I ever hope to stand before her again, and share with her the Glory you have given my life, if, in the end, it only means I can give her peace in her heart for the very same thing that still causes conflict in mine? Lord, how may I give this offering over to your righteousness, so that you may not let me hold sway to my human emotions. I love deeply, God. You know this about me. When my feelings extend out to a person, it's as if they become a part of me, that all I know of them takes a spot within me, and I treasure them, as you treasure me. Will the day come, Father, when I am at peace in my heart with her? When I do not seek to mend, but only to remember in joy and love?
O God, what can I continue to let go of, continue to give up, so that I may be fully dedicated to you and your Word? How is it I can grow into the man you look for me to be? I ask you for your Word to speak to me, to point out to me all that I still cling to that is not of you, so that it may not hinder me in my ever seeking your truth? I think now of a quote by Buddha of all people-There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting. Let me not turn back God, no matter how treacherous I may find the road, no matter what the danger or despair I may face, but that I may take my refuge in you, Sovereign God, who rules all and protects all those who live in your Righteous Holiness. Let my every breath be your breath. May my every act be one of faith, may I learn to be blessed and to bless those I come in contact with, may every person I meet in my life, from this point forth, know that I serve Christ, through my submission to you....
2. What do you think it will require for you to be receptive to "His understanding and His answers"?
Obedience, but not because I know I should be obedient, rather, that I choose obedience. God may whisper, He may shout, He may not answer, He may bring the thunder, but His goal is all the same-to bring us closer to Him. I can only hope to become closer by listening, by seeking, by asking, by following. I have to accept that His answers for me may not always be the answers I seek, and know that the things I seek may be for my glory, and not for His. I must learn to be humble in listening to God. As Jesus sat in the temple, He humbled himself by listening, by being willing to hear our every concern, by having compassion for all of our questions.
A step that I've taken, which I figure to be Him, making a little whisper in my ear or tug on my coat, is to stop being concerned with the politics of the world. It seems today, everyone not only has an opinion, but that their opinion about every matter, every moment, in every part of the world, must matter. If you don't agree with something happening in random country A, people look at you differently, thinking they are better or worse than you by this simple default. All too often in this country alone, are we divided up into "us & them". They're too forward and progressive, they're too backwards and conservative. All this every does to us is serve to keep our eye off the ball, which in this case, is God. We've been made to believe we have the power to change the world, when, in reality, we have no power whatsoever. It's given to us by God. My ability to write this blog is something given to me, by the Lord, and I wish to give it back to Him, by speaking truth, by wishing to keep His word and His decrees with what I do. If I'm always fighting some political fight, where it's only point is division, then I lose sight, I lose focus, on what I should be doing, and that is being a Disciple of Christ.
If you knew me a year ago, you would have seen how heavily politics and who's right and who's wrong controlled my heart. It divided my home, it divided my family, and most importantly, it separated me from God's love, because I was so enamored on it, instead of being in love with the very thing He was offering me, right in my lap-His Grace.
I also believe fullwell that I need to learn that I am not my body, and I am a soul, and not simply speak these words, but rule accordingly. Christ gave us dominion over all creatures on the planet, and since my soul is not of this planet, only my body, then I, by default, have dominion over myself. Which means I need to control what I eat, when I exercise, how I take care of myself. I'm not saying I need to turn into a vegan who exercises 97 hours a day, I'm simply saying that if this body is my temple, where my worship takes place, since my soul currently doesn't work anywhere else, then I need to be on top of it, and not vice versa. It has been given to me, as everything else, as a gift, and so I should (since also I've come to realize and accept I am a firstborn son) offer myself up as a sacrifice to God, and He in turn, has given me my body to take care of on His behalf, and so I shall.
Vince Lombardi once said "winning isn't a part-time thing. It isn't a sometime thing. It's an all-time thing" Well, replace 'winning' with 'God' or 'Christian' and that simply tells me every act in my life must be an act unto God's Glory, for if not, then it is not an act unto God, and an act not unto the Lord is a sin, no matter how you look at it.
Amen
Friday, December 24, 2010
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 9
(action points Luke 2:21-24)
1.What is the difference between being obedient to custom-in being merely traditional-and being faithful to do what God has commanded?
Immediately, as I write about this, I think of Jesus telling the parable of the lost sheep to the Pharisees, after they have seen the Disciples out in the fields, picking food & grain. To the pharisee, it is custom, tradition, the absolute law that no work of any kind is to be done on this day, for the day is Holy, and is supposed to be given to the Lord through rest. But upon seeing His men 'working', they accuse them of blasphemy by doing such deeds.
Jesus simply and directly points out that if on the sabbath, a sheep was lost, would not the shepherd go out to look for it, to find it, and bring it back to his flock? Would not this shepherd also be as concerned with this one sheep who is lost and away as he is with the other ninety-nine sheep whom he already has, and knows are safe?
While Jesus wasn't advocating ignoring the Sabbath, he was merely intending for a person to understand what its true intent is-to be giving over to the Lord, always, at all times, and if that meant on your day of rest, you are called to help someone in need, someone lost, then it is the Lord's will that you are obedient to Him above all else.
I remember a conversation with a friend where I'd brought up to him many of the seeming inconsistencies of the book of Leviticus, and asking him what's up with the whole 'don't eat a young goat or calf in it's mothers milk', or something of that nature. What he explained to me was this was God's way of saying that life(the milk of the mother) should not be mixed with death(the empty flesh of the calf), but how, when Jesus came, He fulfilled the law, and the Lord allowed for certain things to become accepted or good because He had said they were good.
Also, if one is to look at the dinner Jesus shares with the great sinners of his time, tax collectors, prostitutes, etc., again we find obedience to the Lord trumping out the idea of obedience to custom. As someone once said at a group prayer I was out, Jesus didn't just come to save Christians; He came to save the world so that we may all have life. Whereas before, God's covenant was with the Jewish people, so Jesus came to not only fulfill this old covenant, but to offer the same such covenant to the rest of the world, to all those who would listen and obey.
Look no further than Jesus' meeting the Samaratin woman. As I've come to understand through reading and conversations, the Samaratins were not exactly considered the cream of the crop back in the day, and were looked down upon with a certain amount of disdain. So when Jesus, humble in His nature, asks for a cup of water from the woman, He is, in effect, showing His obedience to God and not the obedience to the normal customs of that time.
2. Which religious customs and disciplines carry the most meaning for you-not just in their warm feelings of nostalgia but in their true spiritual significance?
Today is Christmas. The day when the celebration of the birth, the human birth, of Jesus Christ, our Lord, took place. Now while it's true that scholars and historians may not know the actual day of birth, this holds no sway. What matters is that this day is signifying the celebration of His coming to our planet, His taking the most important first step in the history of first steps, by becoming a human, but remaining God Incarnate.
As such, Christmas has always been the holiday most celebrated by families, certainly by my own family.....
You know, I'm reading this question again and realizing I don't think I'm answering it to the best of what God has given me. Prayer & worship. These two things the Lord calls upon us to do in pretty much all things we do in life, and, since I am so young in my walk, I can't really say there is much nostalgia for me personally in either sense.
What I do know is prayer seems most important to me, in my heart, at this time. I am working with God in learning how to become more atuned to worshipping Him as He desires, but I know prayer is what keeps me focused. On days when I don't pray, forget to pray, ignore prayer, they are days when I readily recognize I feel distant to Him, not vice versa. As if He's right there, looking over my shoulder, not really wondering, since He knows everything, but extending His hand ever more, whispering or screaming or whathaveyou, calling for me to take His hand, and all will be okay.
I know this may seem a silly thought, but do angels pray? All I ever hear or read or currently know about them is that they simply worship, at all times. That what they do is a reflection of God's ultimate will. I mean, I suppose maybe they don't pray, because they aren't God's prized possession, which is man. Man was given, I think, both the gift of the angels in the ability to worship the Lord in all His glory, but given the additional gift of prayer. What would an angel need to pray for? They are, as far as I know, always completely connected to God, and would have no wants or desires other than to shout out His Glory and praise His Love. But prayer seems a human condition. It seems a way God left for us to become completely close to Him. As the image I was once told about, I think it was perhaps in hearing a C.S. Lewis tape, it is Jesus, who sits beside you during prayer, whispering in your ear what it is God wants you to say, while the Holy Spirit inside you is what gives you the strength to complete the prayer, which is going up to the Lord, in order that He may answer our prayers, by sending His truth down to Jesus, in order that He may guide us, etc. etc.
I think I would most certainly say prayer has the biggest spiritual significance to me in this sense....
*reflection
What does your heart say to you as you witness the perfection and continuity of God's Word in Christ-the perfect joining of Old Testament promise and New Testament fullfilment?
God is Truth. God is Love. God is Grace. God keeps His Word. God keeps all those who obide by His Word. God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever so believes in Him shall not perish but shall have eternal life.
It's been a hard understanding, for my mind, to read many parts of the Old Testament, and be ready with a million "yeah, but" questions, but in my heart, when I read the New Testament, Jesus speaks in truths that can only confirm any possible answer I seek for every possible question I have. This book so aptly replies using 2nd Corinthians, 1:20 "No matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ".
The Almighty Lord sent His Son to this world, so that I may have life. Me. Some guy. Someone unimportant in the eyes of the world. Some nobody who used to screw up all the time, who's heart was wicked, who sought to be nothing more than a depraved, disgusting being, filled with secrets and dark closets and all kinds of hidden sins in the dead of night.
Yet God said, I love you, and I shall give you a way to be in love with me, so that you may share forever in all that I Am.
My mind still finds this unfathomable. Even know, here I sit, knowing what I write, knowing what is in my mind and heart and soul, and knowing what God has given me, yet I'm not sure if I could ever possibly understand just how deep His love is, not only for myself, but for every soul on this planet that ever is, ever was, or ever will be. What He did for me could never be paid back, for He does not seek to collect on a debt.
God is a gift-giver, and all He wants is for me, for you, for everyone to experience His love. Wow!
1.What is the difference between being obedient to custom-in being merely traditional-and being faithful to do what God has commanded?
Immediately, as I write about this, I think of Jesus telling the parable of the lost sheep to the Pharisees, after they have seen the Disciples out in the fields, picking food & grain. To the pharisee, it is custom, tradition, the absolute law that no work of any kind is to be done on this day, for the day is Holy, and is supposed to be given to the Lord through rest. But upon seeing His men 'working', they accuse them of blasphemy by doing such deeds.
Jesus simply and directly points out that if on the sabbath, a sheep was lost, would not the shepherd go out to look for it, to find it, and bring it back to his flock? Would not this shepherd also be as concerned with this one sheep who is lost and away as he is with the other ninety-nine sheep whom he already has, and knows are safe?
While Jesus wasn't advocating ignoring the Sabbath, he was merely intending for a person to understand what its true intent is-to be giving over to the Lord, always, at all times, and if that meant on your day of rest, you are called to help someone in need, someone lost, then it is the Lord's will that you are obedient to Him above all else.
I remember a conversation with a friend where I'd brought up to him many of the seeming inconsistencies of the book of Leviticus, and asking him what's up with the whole 'don't eat a young goat or calf in it's mothers milk', or something of that nature. What he explained to me was this was God's way of saying that life(the milk of the mother) should not be mixed with death(the empty flesh of the calf), but how, when Jesus came, He fulfilled the law, and the Lord allowed for certain things to become accepted or good because He had said they were good.
Also, if one is to look at the dinner Jesus shares with the great sinners of his time, tax collectors, prostitutes, etc., again we find obedience to the Lord trumping out the idea of obedience to custom. As someone once said at a group prayer I was out, Jesus didn't just come to save Christians; He came to save the world so that we may all have life. Whereas before, God's covenant was with the Jewish people, so Jesus came to not only fulfill this old covenant, but to offer the same such covenant to the rest of the world, to all those who would listen and obey.
Look no further than Jesus' meeting the Samaratin woman. As I've come to understand through reading and conversations, the Samaratins were not exactly considered the cream of the crop back in the day, and were looked down upon with a certain amount of disdain. So when Jesus, humble in His nature, asks for a cup of water from the woman, He is, in effect, showing His obedience to God and not the obedience to the normal customs of that time.
2. Which religious customs and disciplines carry the most meaning for you-not just in their warm feelings of nostalgia but in their true spiritual significance?
Today is Christmas. The day when the celebration of the birth, the human birth, of Jesus Christ, our Lord, took place. Now while it's true that scholars and historians may not know the actual day of birth, this holds no sway. What matters is that this day is signifying the celebration of His coming to our planet, His taking the most important first step in the history of first steps, by becoming a human, but remaining God Incarnate.
As such, Christmas has always been the holiday most celebrated by families, certainly by my own family.....
You know, I'm reading this question again and realizing I don't think I'm answering it to the best of what God has given me. Prayer & worship. These two things the Lord calls upon us to do in pretty much all things we do in life, and, since I am so young in my walk, I can't really say there is much nostalgia for me personally in either sense.
What I do know is prayer seems most important to me, in my heart, at this time. I am working with God in learning how to become more atuned to worshipping Him as He desires, but I know prayer is what keeps me focused. On days when I don't pray, forget to pray, ignore prayer, they are days when I readily recognize I feel distant to Him, not vice versa. As if He's right there, looking over my shoulder, not really wondering, since He knows everything, but extending His hand ever more, whispering or screaming or whathaveyou, calling for me to take His hand, and all will be okay.
I know this may seem a silly thought, but do angels pray? All I ever hear or read or currently know about them is that they simply worship, at all times. That what they do is a reflection of God's ultimate will. I mean, I suppose maybe they don't pray, because they aren't God's prized possession, which is man. Man was given, I think, both the gift of the angels in the ability to worship the Lord in all His glory, but given the additional gift of prayer. What would an angel need to pray for? They are, as far as I know, always completely connected to God, and would have no wants or desires other than to shout out His Glory and praise His Love. But prayer seems a human condition. It seems a way God left for us to become completely close to Him. As the image I was once told about, I think it was perhaps in hearing a C.S. Lewis tape, it is Jesus, who sits beside you during prayer, whispering in your ear what it is God wants you to say, while the Holy Spirit inside you is what gives you the strength to complete the prayer, which is going up to the Lord, in order that He may answer our prayers, by sending His truth down to Jesus, in order that He may guide us, etc. etc.
I think I would most certainly say prayer has the biggest spiritual significance to me in this sense....
*reflection
What does your heart say to you as you witness the perfection and continuity of God's Word in Christ-the perfect joining of Old Testament promise and New Testament fullfilment?
God is Truth. God is Love. God is Grace. God keeps His Word. God keeps all those who obide by His Word. God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever so believes in Him shall not perish but shall have eternal life.
It's been a hard understanding, for my mind, to read many parts of the Old Testament, and be ready with a million "yeah, but" questions, but in my heart, when I read the New Testament, Jesus speaks in truths that can only confirm any possible answer I seek for every possible question I have. This book so aptly replies using 2nd Corinthians, 1:20 "No matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ".
The Almighty Lord sent His Son to this world, so that I may have life. Me. Some guy. Someone unimportant in the eyes of the world. Some nobody who used to screw up all the time, who's heart was wicked, who sought to be nothing more than a depraved, disgusting being, filled with secrets and dark closets and all kinds of hidden sins in the dead of night.
Yet God said, I love you, and I shall give you a way to be in love with me, so that you may share forever in all that I Am.
My mind still finds this unfathomable. Even know, here I sit, knowing what I write, knowing what is in my mind and heart and soul, and knowing what God has given me, yet I'm not sure if I could ever possibly understand just how deep His love is, not only for myself, but for every soul on this planet that ever is, ever was, or ever will be. What He did for me could never be paid back, for He does not seek to collect on a debt.
God is a gift-giver, and all He wants is for me, for you, for everyone to experience His love. Wow!
90 Days w/Jesus...Day 8
(action points Luke 2:15-20)
1. What would have to change in your life for you to experience more times of "treasuring" your blessings, of "meditating" on the goodness and greatness of God?
I was just watching a comedian performing his routine on a comedy special, and he was talking about something that seems to fit perfectly with this question.
He mentioned how in America, we are a bunch of fat 8th-grade whiney kids. How we complain about everything, how we seem to find shit to complain about, how we invent things to complain about. We complain because our atm machines tell us to pick a language to continue. It's a box where money comes out and we're whining, he declares. Or how our flight was delayed for 40 minutes from New York to Los Angeles. Really? complaining about a delay? Before that used to take 30 years, and if you died, you'd just be buried on the side of the road with a little stick and your hat stamped over your grave. Chances are, the entire group of people who left would be a whole new group by arrival.
Or how we hate our cell phone service. I hate Verizon! He says. We're standing there mashing buttons, and complaining because it's not working fast enough. Really? It has to travel up to space, and then back down again. Wait a fucking second, geez!
I've been saying for such a long time how mankind is now approaching faster and faster the ability to see themselves as their own Gods. We have everything at the push of a button, or you can find out all the information in the world about something at the click of a page, or if you don't have the newest, most up to date version, or haven't heard the latest, greatest, most bullshittiest news about something, you're not in the now, and you've fallen behind.
He even mentioned our use of words. Things are amazing. Really? Really? Your box of chicken tenders was amazing? What if Jesus came down and made love to you for like all night and you had his love baby in your belly? What are you going to say then?
As a society, especially American society, we've fast approached the point where if we as individuals aren't serviced and served immediately, we despise whatever it is that isn't moving for us. I know I'm guilty of this in certain aspects in my life, though there's not anything currently at the moment I can specifically pinpoint.
I think, in order for my blessings to truly be counted and recognized, I have to go with the less is more approach. Stop buying all kinds of clothes that are simply marketing tools of me to the world, or stop running through the drive-thru, or looking for the quickest, easiest way. I'm not idolicizing Yoda here, but he makes a great point when Luke asks about the dark side being stronger? "NO! Quicker, easier, more seductive"
That's a lot of this country's, and a lot of the world's problem. We want, we need, we strive for everything being quicker, or faster, or more seductive to us, so we can only want more.
I was remembering at work today, times in my past, when I used to sit and meditate. Actual meditation. Find a room in my house. Block off as much sound as I could, sit in a comfortable lotus position on a pillow or the floor, and sit, emptying my mind, in hopes of slowing myself down, in hopes of searching for something that I didn't truly know I was looking for. One of the hardest parts about meditation is controlling your body & your breathing. Breathing may come easier to control once you've learned the repitition of it, but keeping your body still, not giving in to the little itching on your foot or the tingle of your arm or the ache in your back, not letting yourself become consumed by them in your mind where you absolutely must stop everything, you cannot focus on anything, unless you see to the issue at hand, thus breaking your concentration and losing your focus.
I could sit at times for an hour or two, in the same spot, motionless, letting myself wander through the confides of my mind. And I think to myself now, how quickly do I pray? Hands together, eyes go closed, I think for a few seconds, and then I spit out a prayer.
Jesus would get up in the morning, before anyone was around, and He'd go off and pray to God, for who knows how long. I wonder, did Jesus' prayers come to Him instantly? Did He search His mind and heart to find the right words to say to God? I don't think Jesus ever used two words when he knew one would be proper, and yet, when we pray, how often do we feel as though we're just stammering the words out, like we're just leaking language out of the fronts of our heads?
This world teaches us everything must be now, or it will never be. I believe, in order for God to let me recognize and experience these blessings in my life, I myself need to learn how to slow things down, and take the time to sit and truly meditate on all the blessings and treasures God has given me. Maybe I've realized this before, maybe not. All I know is I've never watched this comic before tonight, I've known of him, and I find it without any irony that he was speaking on the very same thing I was going to be writing about tonight.
2.)If you did, what do you think would be the result of it? How would it benefit you? How would it alter your perspectives?
As stated, I used to meditate. For long periods of time. Be it sitting still, or lying on my back while learning to control my dreams, or have some semblence of control to my dreams, all of these things took continued practice. I found myself, at certain points of day, usually around the same time, recognizing it was time to go and meditate, to go and be with myself and my thoughts.
If I went a week or two of not meditating, it would be as if I lost track of things and had to retrain my body once more, just as if when you work out, or change a habit, how if you start for a while, and it's showing results, for some reason, you stop, or you don't think the results are fast enough, or you haven't done enough, now you're back to square 1.
With Jesus, I'm always saved. And while I'm sure reading the bible is like riding a bicycle, there's certain things you read or learn that will always be in there, inside you somewhere, ready to be picked right back up again once you're focused on the ball once more.
I think what I'm being compelled, or feeling inside I need to do, is look at how I'm praying to God, or how I'm studying His word, and see what areas it is where I can improve upon.
I'm not saying ideally, because I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure as since we're supposed to do our best with focusing on God throughout the day, wouldn't it make sense that He's not only the first thing in the morning I think of, or the last thing at night, but shouldn't he be a pretty significant chunk of morning to think of? I mean, I dated a woman who set her alarm an hour early, so she could make sure she was up to go for a run. She decidated herself, her body, and her mind to making sure she rose a full hour of her day early just so she could make sure her body had the time to go physically exert itself for 60 minutes.
Do I spend 60 minutes a day with God? Do you? And yeah, I know, I know, we're always "with" Him, in that sense, but how often are we actually dedicating our lives to Him throughout the day?
What I know is this is something that I must do more of. Not for my sake, but for His. For the more I give to Him, the more He shall give to me to give up to Him. And after all, since everything I have is already His anyway, shouldn't I be doing my best to make sure it's being handed back to Him in the very same condition He's giving it to me?
Amen.
1. What would have to change in your life for you to experience more times of "treasuring" your blessings, of "meditating" on the goodness and greatness of God?
I was just watching a comedian performing his routine on a comedy special, and he was talking about something that seems to fit perfectly with this question.
He mentioned how in America, we are a bunch of fat 8th-grade whiney kids. How we complain about everything, how we seem to find shit to complain about, how we invent things to complain about. We complain because our atm machines tell us to pick a language to continue. It's a box where money comes out and we're whining, he declares. Or how our flight was delayed for 40 minutes from New York to Los Angeles. Really? complaining about a delay? Before that used to take 30 years, and if you died, you'd just be buried on the side of the road with a little stick and your hat stamped over your grave. Chances are, the entire group of people who left would be a whole new group by arrival.
Or how we hate our cell phone service. I hate Verizon! He says. We're standing there mashing buttons, and complaining because it's not working fast enough. Really? It has to travel up to space, and then back down again. Wait a fucking second, geez!
I've been saying for such a long time how mankind is now approaching faster and faster the ability to see themselves as their own Gods. We have everything at the push of a button, or you can find out all the information in the world about something at the click of a page, or if you don't have the newest, most up to date version, or haven't heard the latest, greatest, most bullshittiest news about something, you're not in the now, and you've fallen behind.
He even mentioned our use of words. Things are amazing. Really? Really? Your box of chicken tenders was amazing? What if Jesus came down and made love to you for like all night and you had his love baby in your belly? What are you going to say then?
As a society, especially American society, we've fast approached the point where if we as individuals aren't serviced and served immediately, we despise whatever it is that isn't moving for us. I know I'm guilty of this in certain aspects in my life, though there's not anything currently at the moment I can specifically pinpoint.
I think, in order for my blessings to truly be counted and recognized, I have to go with the less is more approach. Stop buying all kinds of clothes that are simply marketing tools of me to the world, or stop running through the drive-thru, or looking for the quickest, easiest way. I'm not idolicizing Yoda here, but he makes a great point when Luke asks about the dark side being stronger? "NO! Quicker, easier, more seductive"
That's a lot of this country's, and a lot of the world's problem. We want, we need, we strive for everything being quicker, or faster, or more seductive to us, so we can only want more.
I was remembering at work today, times in my past, when I used to sit and meditate. Actual meditation. Find a room in my house. Block off as much sound as I could, sit in a comfortable lotus position on a pillow or the floor, and sit, emptying my mind, in hopes of slowing myself down, in hopes of searching for something that I didn't truly know I was looking for. One of the hardest parts about meditation is controlling your body & your breathing. Breathing may come easier to control once you've learned the repitition of it, but keeping your body still, not giving in to the little itching on your foot or the tingle of your arm or the ache in your back, not letting yourself become consumed by them in your mind where you absolutely must stop everything, you cannot focus on anything, unless you see to the issue at hand, thus breaking your concentration and losing your focus.
I could sit at times for an hour or two, in the same spot, motionless, letting myself wander through the confides of my mind. And I think to myself now, how quickly do I pray? Hands together, eyes go closed, I think for a few seconds, and then I spit out a prayer.
Jesus would get up in the morning, before anyone was around, and He'd go off and pray to God, for who knows how long. I wonder, did Jesus' prayers come to Him instantly? Did He search His mind and heart to find the right words to say to God? I don't think Jesus ever used two words when he knew one would be proper, and yet, when we pray, how often do we feel as though we're just stammering the words out, like we're just leaking language out of the fronts of our heads?
This world teaches us everything must be now, or it will never be. I believe, in order for God to let me recognize and experience these blessings in my life, I myself need to learn how to slow things down, and take the time to sit and truly meditate on all the blessings and treasures God has given me. Maybe I've realized this before, maybe not. All I know is I've never watched this comic before tonight, I've known of him, and I find it without any irony that he was speaking on the very same thing I was going to be writing about tonight.
2.)If you did, what do you think would be the result of it? How would it benefit you? How would it alter your perspectives?
As stated, I used to meditate. For long periods of time. Be it sitting still, or lying on my back while learning to control my dreams, or have some semblence of control to my dreams, all of these things took continued practice. I found myself, at certain points of day, usually around the same time, recognizing it was time to go and meditate, to go and be with myself and my thoughts.
If I went a week or two of not meditating, it would be as if I lost track of things and had to retrain my body once more, just as if when you work out, or change a habit, how if you start for a while, and it's showing results, for some reason, you stop, or you don't think the results are fast enough, or you haven't done enough, now you're back to square 1.
With Jesus, I'm always saved. And while I'm sure reading the bible is like riding a bicycle, there's certain things you read or learn that will always be in there, inside you somewhere, ready to be picked right back up again once you're focused on the ball once more.
I think what I'm being compelled, or feeling inside I need to do, is look at how I'm praying to God, or how I'm studying His word, and see what areas it is where I can improve upon.
I'm not saying ideally, because I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure as since we're supposed to do our best with focusing on God throughout the day, wouldn't it make sense that He's not only the first thing in the morning I think of, or the last thing at night, but shouldn't he be a pretty significant chunk of morning to think of? I mean, I dated a woman who set her alarm an hour early, so she could make sure she was up to go for a run. She decidated herself, her body, and her mind to making sure she rose a full hour of her day early just so she could make sure her body had the time to go physically exert itself for 60 minutes.
Do I spend 60 minutes a day with God? Do you? And yeah, I know, I know, we're always "with" Him, in that sense, but how often are we actually dedicating our lives to Him throughout the day?
What I know is this is something that I must do more of. Not for my sake, but for His. For the more I give to Him, the more He shall give to me to give up to Him. And after all, since everything I have is already His anyway, shouldn't I be doing my best to make sure it's being handed back to Him in the very same condition He's giving it to me?
Amen.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
It's been a hard going so far....
Here in Alabama, the only thing that I've managed to keep myself somewhat focused on is God, and my job. I say somewhat because I'm being honest about myself, and don't want to lie to anyone reading this or to me when I am saying this.
I am reading my bible near daily, I am praying near daily, you could say I'm rocking about a 90% rate right now, but I know I could be doing more, giving myself more over to Him, immersing myself more in Him, whathaveyou.
But things have been tough. I don't feel my life moving anywhere right now. I work 4 days a week, maybe garnering a totaly of 15 hours of work, all for minimum wage. As it stands, I've been working now since September, and as of this moment, I have 100 dollars to show for it. 100 dollars. Between food, gas, and any little expense, my paychecks disappear on a weekly basis. I may go to the movies once a month, and that's actually a pretty accurate statement for me, as there's only 1 theater here and their showings seem to only change about once every two weeks.
The town has absolutely nothing to do in it, other than eat at restaurants/diners/dives, which is something I've also done a lot of since being here. As of last October/November, I was walking around between 195-200 pounds. I'd done a lot of work and exercise to lose a lot of weight, as I had weighed anywhere upwards of 250-260 over the past few years. As of right now, I'm probably back to 230, perhaps even more. I'm not sure honestly because we don't have a scale here. I only now that all of my pants are impossibly tight to put on, or they don't fit entirely, when, just barely 4-6 months ago, I could get pretty much any pair on with ease. It really doesn't help when I work at a buffet and I get half priced meals, as food has always been a heavy vice of mine, pun intended. I have never really learned how to say no to a single plate or single portion, always feeling like I should eat more. Or, when I am feeling down or depressed or sad or just having a day not go right, I tend to raid the kitchen. I've caught myself actually eating something while I'm looking for something to eat; it's that bad.
I sleep daily until 1, 2, sometimes 3 o clock in the afternoon, and I'm going to bed again at 3 or 4 in the morning. I know it's unhealthy. And when I say sleep, I mean I toss and turn for a good two or three hours when I first look to head to bed, and then wake at regular intervals feeling exhausted and just wanting to lay in bed and do nothing, because there is so very little to do here. There really is nothing of interest to do anywhere within 50 miles of this place, and even then, it's just going to cost me money to go do. I don't want to spend half a weeks pay just to go out and find something to do, it seems a waste of money.
Church has not worked out as I'd hoped for, or as I'd believed it could have. The crowds of people here seem to fall into 3 categories-those who don't go to church, young people, young as in 16-21 people who live through Jesus as interpreted by hip-hop artists (don't get me wrong, to each their own when it comes to worship, but with this own, hip-hop worship is not what works for my worship), and the third group are all people who are married and have children, who don't really go out and do anything anyway, because their family is their focus, or Alabama football is the focus. Yeah, about that. It's scary how religious they are down here for Alabama & Auburn. I'm not saying you can't love a sports team or figure, cuz God knows I loved me some Packers and Brett Favre back in the day, but it truly is like you're living in another world with how....well, how worshipful people are of college football teams.
I have no friends here. Sure, there are people I work with, but they are pretty much exactly that-people I work worth. Everyone who does work where I do all seem to live a good 20 miles away or so, and are just at this job looking to get by until the next one, or they are women who are single moms with kids who know they need the paycheck so it's not as if they are all about hanging out and doing stuff.
I find myself waiting for Thursdays to show up, just so I can go stand in what amounts to a food toll booth for 4 hours and serve people pieces of steak. I get to at least have some chit chat with folks here and there as I'm cutting their portion, and I'll share a laugh with a few coworkers, but next thing I know, it's already the end of Sunday and I'm going home, to sit around for 4 days, waiting to start work again.
My father came in and spoke to me today about seeing how miserable I've been. And it's true, I am miserable. If I'm not attached to this drainbox for however many hours, I'm flipping through the tv watching shows or movies I've seen a hundred times that just don't hold much interest to me anymore, or I'm sleeping.
We spoke about me possibly moving back to California, but right now, it's not a true possibility. He mentioned to me about calling relatives, seeing if they would be interested in letting me stay with them for a while, just to get back on my feet, because California is what I knew, where I had friends, where I was at least able to have some musings of a normal life.
I am so lonely here. It only feels as if I'm regressing, and not progressing, with the life I've been given.
Even if I wanted to go back, as I said, I'd have to hope & pray that a family member would let me stay with them. But to go back, I need money. I can't just pack up ship and move back in two weeks, then I'd be a financial burden on someone. No, if I was to move back there, I'd have to plan it and not look to go back for at least 4-6 months from now, which puts me at May or June at the earliest. And even then, I'd have to save every penny from every paycheck and pretty much not spend a dime, in hopes that I could find someone, somewhere, who'd be willing to take me in exchange for rent me.
I am so lonely here.
I am so lonely here
I am so lonely here.
I am so lonely here.
I am so lonely here.
God, please give me a sign. I pray to you. Hear my distressed heart. Please.
Amen.
I am reading my bible near daily, I am praying near daily, you could say I'm rocking about a 90% rate right now, but I know I could be doing more, giving myself more over to Him, immersing myself more in Him, whathaveyou.
But things have been tough. I don't feel my life moving anywhere right now. I work 4 days a week, maybe garnering a totaly of 15 hours of work, all for minimum wage. As it stands, I've been working now since September, and as of this moment, I have 100 dollars to show for it. 100 dollars. Between food, gas, and any little expense, my paychecks disappear on a weekly basis. I may go to the movies once a month, and that's actually a pretty accurate statement for me, as there's only 1 theater here and their showings seem to only change about once every two weeks.
The town has absolutely nothing to do in it, other than eat at restaurants/diners/dives, which is something I've also done a lot of since being here. As of last October/November, I was walking around between 195-200 pounds. I'd done a lot of work and exercise to lose a lot of weight, as I had weighed anywhere upwards of 250-260 over the past few years. As of right now, I'm probably back to 230, perhaps even more. I'm not sure honestly because we don't have a scale here. I only now that all of my pants are impossibly tight to put on, or they don't fit entirely, when, just barely 4-6 months ago, I could get pretty much any pair on with ease. It really doesn't help when I work at a buffet and I get half priced meals, as food has always been a heavy vice of mine, pun intended. I have never really learned how to say no to a single plate or single portion, always feeling like I should eat more. Or, when I am feeling down or depressed or sad or just having a day not go right, I tend to raid the kitchen. I've caught myself actually eating something while I'm looking for something to eat; it's that bad.
I sleep daily until 1, 2, sometimes 3 o clock in the afternoon, and I'm going to bed again at 3 or 4 in the morning. I know it's unhealthy. And when I say sleep, I mean I toss and turn for a good two or three hours when I first look to head to bed, and then wake at regular intervals feeling exhausted and just wanting to lay in bed and do nothing, because there is so very little to do here. There really is nothing of interest to do anywhere within 50 miles of this place, and even then, it's just going to cost me money to go do. I don't want to spend half a weeks pay just to go out and find something to do, it seems a waste of money.
Church has not worked out as I'd hoped for, or as I'd believed it could have. The crowds of people here seem to fall into 3 categories-those who don't go to church, young people, young as in 16-21 people who live through Jesus as interpreted by hip-hop artists (don't get me wrong, to each their own when it comes to worship, but with this own, hip-hop worship is not what works for my worship), and the third group are all people who are married and have children, who don't really go out and do anything anyway, because their family is their focus, or Alabama football is the focus. Yeah, about that. It's scary how religious they are down here for Alabama & Auburn. I'm not saying you can't love a sports team or figure, cuz God knows I loved me some Packers and Brett Favre back in the day, but it truly is like you're living in another world with how....well, how worshipful people are of college football teams.
I have no friends here. Sure, there are people I work with, but they are pretty much exactly that-people I work worth. Everyone who does work where I do all seem to live a good 20 miles away or so, and are just at this job looking to get by until the next one, or they are women who are single moms with kids who know they need the paycheck so it's not as if they are all about hanging out and doing stuff.
I find myself waiting for Thursdays to show up, just so I can go stand in what amounts to a food toll booth for 4 hours and serve people pieces of steak. I get to at least have some chit chat with folks here and there as I'm cutting their portion, and I'll share a laugh with a few coworkers, but next thing I know, it's already the end of Sunday and I'm going home, to sit around for 4 days, waiting to start work again.
My father came in and spoke to me today about seeing how miserable I've been. And it's true, I am miserable. If I'm not attached to this drainbox for however many hours, I'm flipping through the tv watching shows or movies I've seen a hundred times that just don't hold much interest to me anymore, or I'm sleeping.
We spoke about me possibly moving back to California, but right now, it's not a true possibility. He mentioned to me about calling relatives, seeing if they would be interested in letting me stay with them for a while, just to get back on my feet, because California is what I knew, where I had friends, where I was at least able to have some musings of a normal life.
I am so lonely here. It only feels as if I'm regressing, and not progressing, with the life I've been given.
Even if I wanted to go back, as I said, I'd have to hope & pray that a family member would let me stay with them. But to go back, I need money. I can't just pack up ship and move back in two weeks, then I'd be a financial burden on someone. No, if I was to move back there, I'd have to plan it and not look to go back for at least 4-6 months from now, which puts me at May or June at the earliest. And even then, I'd have to save every penny from every paycheck and pretty much not spend a dime, in hopes that I could find someone, somewhere, who'd be willing to take me in exchange for rent me.
I am so lonely here.
I am so lonely here
I am so lonely here.
I am so lonely here.
I am so lonely here.
God, please give me a sign. I pray to you. Hear my distressed heart. Please.
Amen.
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 7
(action points Luke 2:8-14)
1.What is your attitude towards common, ordinary, rough-around-the-edges people? How do you approach them, see them, respond to them?
Now, see, this is a funny question. Is it basically saying an common, ordinary person is rough around the edges, or is it merely speculating that a common, ordinary person may be the type who is slightly grizzled about life? I truly don't know what I would define as a common, ordinary, person. Are they boring? Is there no sizzle in their life? Do they just seem to go through the routines without ever getting worked up about anything?
An ordinary person in California may be someone who's extremely passionate and political, whereas an ordinary person in Alabama may be laid back and chilled beyond belief about life.
Everyone knows a rough around the egdes person tends to be like(and I'm stereotyping here). Maybe you don't crack a joke around them. Maybe you feel like being funny or light-hearted or in a good mood is going to make them resent you, give you the 'the fuck are you so happy for?' look, etc., etc.
I do my best, which sometimes is good, sometimes is not so good, but then again, it wouldn't really be my best now would it, when I meet people at work. The position I have enables me to have the opportunity to meet all kinds of people, from different walks of life. Some are rude, some are happy, some just don't seem to give a shit, and just want to eat, and some seem oblivious to the world around them. I look to approach them all the same-with a smile and a direct question, letting them know that I acknowledge them and that they are, in fact, a person who has worth, who has value, who I'm willing to take the time to listen to.
I suppose a better way for me to answer this question is how I treated younger kids when I was a photographer for high schools or when I worked at Toys R Us. As a photographer, it was my job to get them to smile, to put them in a good mood, even if it was for two seconds, just so their photo would look nice. We all remember our school id or yearbook photos. How we either didn't sit right, our head was tilted one way too far, our chin was fat, or or smile was lame. I'd make sure that the kid knew they were getting a good photo, that it was up to the both of us to make sure they at least looked like they wanted to be there. So you could say I approached them all with warmth and wanted them to feel at ease in my presence.
With children at Toys R Us, nothing seemed to make a kid happier than when I would squat down, get to their level, smile at them, and ask them what they were looking for. I think it always kind of let them know that I wasn't just there to talk to their parents and ignore them. Remember, kids are small and tiny; adults are these big huge versions of them. I remember how when I'd go with my mother or father somewhere as a young child, and would always see them talk to the older people, and feel like I was left out of the group, or that what I had to say didn't matter, 'cause the parents knew what they were looking for already. So at TRU, I made it my mission to go out of the way to let the child know they existed to me, to let them know that they were my customer, that they were the person who I was aiming to make happy.
It's funny how the "Home Alone" movies seem to make an impact on you. Remember in the 2nd film, when Kevin is in the big toy store, and he's talking to the cashier, who he doesn't know at the time is actually the owner of the whole thing? And Mr. Duncan talks about how children bring him joy and how the money will be donated to the orphan hospital? When Kevin hears this, he puts in a 20 I think, and Mr. Duncan tells him he can pick an ornament off the tree, and he picks the two turtle doves?
We should, as Jesus rightfully says, treat the world as we would treat a small child like that. Let every person know they are important, that they aren't just some other being on this rock who is passing us by, that we aren't competing with them, and want to see the good in them just as we would have the good in us be shown.
2. What would be different or would have to change about God's "good news" if it wasn't intended for "all people"?
This is a strange question, and I'm not sure if I'm answering it right, though there's no such thing as a right answer (save for Jesus being Lord). What would have to change would be God Himself. His very nature. He would no longer be God if His good news of a Savior was not intended for all people to hear and know about, for, how could there be such a Savior if He was not meant to be known to the world entire?
God isn't about keeping Himself to Himself. He is Love. He wants to share His unending, unequaled love with every creature on the planet, fish, bird, man alike. His love is a message for all to hear and know about, so that they may have the chance to invite it into their hearts, so that they may have the chance at becoming His inheritence and be gifted with the joy of salvation.
God may reveal things in mysterious ways, but the revelation of the Lord & Savior coming to rescue mankind is not a message He would have kept to a choice few, even though only few are willing to hear, accept, and obey Him.
Amen
1.What is your attitude towards common, ordinary, rough-around-the-edges people? How do you approach them, see them, respond to them?
Now, see, this is a funny question. Is it basically saying an common, ordinary person is rough around the edges, or is it merely speculating that a common, ordinary person may be the type who is slightly grizzled about life? I truly don't know what I would define as a common, ordinary, person. Are they boring? Is there no sizzle in their life? Do they just seem to go through the routines without ever getting worked up about anything?
An ordinary person in California may be someone who's extremely passionate and political, whereas an ordinary person in Alabama may be laid back and chilled beyond belief about life.
Everyone knows a rough around the egdes person tends to be like(and I'm stereotyping here). Maybe you don't crack a joke around them. Maybe you feel like being funny or light-hearted or in a good mood is going to make them resent you, give you the 'the fuck are you so happy for?' look, etc., etc.
I do my best, which sometimes is good, sometimes is not so good, but then again, it wouldn't really be my best now would it, when I meet people at work. The position I have enables me to have the opportunity to meet all kinds of people, from different walks of life. Some are rude, some are happy, some just don't seem to give a shit, and just want to eat, and some seem oblivious to the world around them. I look to approach them all the same-with a smile and a direct question, letting them know that I acknowledge them and that they are, in fact, a person who has worth, who has value, who I'm willing to take the time to listen to.
I suppose a better way for me to answer this question is how I treated younger kids when I was a photographer for high schools or when I worked at Toys R Us. As a photographer, it was my job to get them to smile, to put them in a good mood, even if it was for two seconds, just so their photo would look nice. We all remember our school id or yearbook photos. How we either didn't sit right, our head was tilted one way too far, our chin was fat, or or smile was lame. I'd make sure that the kid knew they were getting a good photo, that it was up to the both of us to make sure they at least looked like they wanted to be there. So you could say I approached them all with warmth and wanted them to feel at ease in my presence.
With children at Toys R Us, nothing seemed to make a kid happier than when I would squat down, get to their level, smile at them, and ask them what they were looking for. I think it always kind of let them know that I wasn't just there to talk to their parents and ignore them. Remember, kids are small and tiny; adults are these big huge versions of them. I remember how when I'd go with my mother or father somewhere as a young child, and would always see them talk to the older people, and feel like I was left out of the group, or that what I had to say didn't matter, 'cause the parents knew what they were looking for already. So at TRU, I made it my mission to go out of the way to let the child know they existed to me, to let them know that they were my customer, that they were the person who I was aiming to make happy.
It's funny how the "Home Alone" movies seem to make an impact on you. Remember in the 2nd film, when Kevin is in the big toy store, and he's talking to the cashier, who he doesn't know at the time is actually the owner of the whole thing? And Mr. Duncan talks about how children bring him joy and how the money will be donated to the orphan hospital? When Kevin hears this, he puts in a 20 I think, and Mr. Duncan tells him he can pick an ornament off the tree, and he picks the two turtle doves?
We should, as Jesus rightfully says, treat the world as we would treat a small child like that. Let every person know they are important, that they aren't just some other being on this rock who is passing us by, that we aren't competing with them, and want to see the good in them just as we would have the good in us be shown.
2. What would be different or would have to change about God's "good news" if it wasn't intended for "all people"?
This is a strange question, and I'm not sure if I'm answering it right, though there's no such thing as a right answer (save for Jesus being Lord). What would have to change would be God Himself. His very nature. He would no longer be God if His good news of a Savior was not intended for all people to hear and know about, for, how could there be such a Savior if He was not meant to be known to the world entire?
God isn't about keeping Himself to Himself. He is Love. He wants to share His unending, unequaled love with every creature on the planet, fish, bird, man alike. His love is a message for all to hear and know about, so that they may have the chance to invite it into their hearts, so that they may have the chance at becoming His inheritence and be gifted with the joy of salvation.
God may reveal things in mysterious ways, but the revelation of the Lord & Savior coming to rescue mankind is not a message He would have kept to a choice few, even though only few are willing to hear, accept, and obey Him.
Amen
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
90 Days w/Jesus...Day 6
(action points-Galatians 4:3-7)
1. What has God shown you in your own life about His timing...His perfect timing?
This will sound incredibly cliche, but I think, in my life, God has shown me that His timing is the only thing that matters, as it is His plan for my life, and not my plan for my life.
If you know me, then chances are you know of my past and of how supremely defeated I had let my life become. I was most certainly in the clutches of the enemy, he had a heavy-handed grip on me, and really didn't want to let go.
I'd taken a sledgehammer to what was known as my life, had become a drug addict who would use my grocery and food money to buy my fix, then would make sure I had just enough left to buy and survive off a bag of oranges for 3 to 4 days at a time, before I got more money to do it all over again.
I'd become so slothful and gluttunous that not one single dish in my home was clean. Plates, cups, forks, spoons, pots, pans, platters. If it could hold some type of food, chances are it was sitting on a countertop or in a sink, letting the filth of crusted over pieces layer onto their surfaces as if they were representative of my own flesh, having let itself become filthy. No clothes in my house were clean, I'd leave them wherever I took them off, wherever they happened to fall. My dog made a habit of sleeping on piles of my clothes because i just didn't care. I probably, well, not probably, I would go a week or more without showering, rarely shaved unless I knew that I may have to see a family member, so nothing would be suspected(note-usually I don't shave when I feel as though I am hiding from things. So if you see me sporting some thick looking stubble, you'll know why)
I'd come to pretty much hate everyone in my life for some reason or purpose, I wanted to find something to hate about them so I could justify me hating myself and my life, and know that I could make or hopefully make people hate me so I would have no one that cared about me. I destroyed those relationships most delicate to me because of how much I hated myself and the world I existed in.
I spent day after day after day finding reasons to hate my own existence. Finding reasons to believe that I was nothing but a horrible accident that despite all my parents reassurances, was something they never truly wanted.
It was then, only then, at this moment, when all hope was seemingly lost in my life, that God whispered in my ear. I can't say it was magical or spiritual at the time because frankly you really don't notice when something like this happens to you. But it was because something in me, or more specifically, out of me, told me I needed to go see the Easter celebration with my parents and aunt. The place where, for the first time in my life, I was introduced to Jesus.
As the Holy Spirit of God lives and dwells within those who have submitted to Christ, even though I met a man, a human man named Jarret that night, who was portraying Jesus, I, in fact, met the Lord through him.
Even know, I'm brought to tears because of this moment. Jarret asked my name, and I told him, and he said "Tim, you know Jesus loves you, right?"
There are two moments in your life, pretty much the only two moments that ever matter, I believe. The first moment is when you are introduced to Jesus. I don't mean by reading a verse or by attending a meeting or hearing a person preach about it. I mean the moment when God decides it's now time for you to know Him. God decided, on that night, on that fateful Saturday night, that He wanted to introduce Himself to me.
The second moment is when you accept His invitation into your heart, and you declare He is your Lord & Savior. It took just a little over a year in my life of dancing around Him, learning about Him, wanting to reject Him & His gifts, before He finally let me know, in my heart, that I was ready to accept Him.
There is endless debate, biblical & moral, about whether or not we accept God or He comes to accept us through our submission. God has laid out a path for each of us to accept Him & His invitation, but He knows that not all of us will. We can only come to Him when He has determined for us, and not otherwise. I truly and firmly believe and will never shy from the fact that I know my life, the life I led, God allowed me to destroy it, He gave me exactly what I wanted, in order that I might see Him one day, and accept what He was wanting to give to me. The time for my life to accept Christ is exactly as God decided for me, not the other way around. I didn't just pick God. God picked me, and it took nearly 3 decades to do so....
I managed to come in a shade under the early Israelites ;-)
2.How does the sovereign power of God strike you? Does it leave you feeling confined and hemmed in? Or does it make you feel totally secure and at rest in His eternal purposes?
I don't feel secure yet within God. I know it's not God who's feeling this, it's me. I also don't feel like I'm confined to one way of doing things, even though obviously I know there's sins I can commit and things I will do or have done that aren't leading me with every moment towards Christ.....yet, it's still hard to peg down because clearly every moment in my life before I met God, and doing things of my sinful desires, I was being led inevitably towards Him.
As I'd written in a previous entry, people say just trust in the Lord, He'll bring you through every storm, and you'll have nothing to worry about. And if you are worried, take it to God with rejoice and thanksgiving, so you are never left in anxiousness. I know this is easier for some than others, but I'm also left to wonder about the people who say this and what kinds of crisises(is it crisis or crises or crisice?) that their lives have been through. I still think back to people like Joseph or the bleeding woman. A large chunk of their lives, we're talking years here, were filled with crisis. Yet with Joseph we're told the Lord was with Him. The bleeding woman? Notsomuch. We only find her after she's bled for 12 years being healed. Was she devout in her believing eventually she'd be healed? Or did she think that God had abandoned her because of what had befallen her?
Wherever I go in my life, God is always going to be there. Whether I make a stupid decision or a decision that is made in His honor, He will be right there with me. Lately, it has been incredibly difficult for me to feel God's presence in my life. I feel very alone and depressed here in Alabama more often than not, and I am not so far yet deep into Christ and His love for me that I can simply take comfort by knowing "the Lord is with me", or by reading a scriptural verse, or praying.
My prayers as of late feel more the prayers of a person who accepted Christ but does not yet know how to 'accept' Christ. And this saddens me with these feelings of isolation and lonliness because for the majority of my life before I knew Him, I expected and believed I was a person who was to have little or no friends, who was to never be in a relationship or have a family, who was to grow old and die alone with nothing of substance to show in my life.
Lately, my heart and soul has been left wondering if this still isn't God's path for me, the only difference being now He is all who I can ever hope to love or speak to. I have regressed into some of my old ways, because of the feelings of comfort they afford me, though I know it's a fake comfort, a lie. Wanting to abuse my mind or body are things that are unnatural of me, and have no place here for me anymore, yet they stick around because I'm feeling so lost within God. He feels so greatly abundant and large that my voice simply echoes inside of Him, and is only heard after they've bounced off the walls for a while.
I think of how when I am feeling down, I've not wanted to devote time to Him. Even now, writing these entries, I've not wanted to do the last two. But there is some part of me that doesn't want to lame out and not do them, because I know they'll be good for me in the end. But then another part of me wonders if these are my true answers, and not answers of a man who's simply searching for a way to make sure he does the bare minimum and gets by.
I don't want to do the bare minimum, but with all my smarts, all my seemingly endless talents I've been supplied, my life has always been one of just wanting to scrape by. It's something I need to learn how to discuss with Him more, and give over to Him completely, so that I won't feel as though I'm the at the bottom of the barrel in everything I do.
So, in short, I am lost in God's vastness, when I need to learn to be secured in His closeness. May He see these words on this page and in my soul, and may He show me how to break free of these illusions I still hold onto, once and forever.
Amen.
1. What has God shown you in your own life about His timing...His perfect timing?
This will sound incredibly cliche, but I think, in my life, God has shown me that His timing is the only thing that matters, as it is His plan for my life, and not my plan for my life.
If you know me, then chances are you know of my past and of how supremely defeated I had let my life become. I was most certainly in the clutches of the enemy, he had a heavy-handed grip on me, and really didn't want to let go.
I'd taken a sledgehammer to what was known as my life, had become a drug addict who would use my grocery and food money to buy my fix, then would make sure I had just enough left to buy and survive off a bag of oranges for 3 to 4 days at a time, before I got more money to do it all over again.
I'd become so slothful and gluttunous that not one single dish in my home was clean. Plates, cups, forks, spoons, pots, pans, platters. If it could hold some type of food, chances are it was sitting on a countertop or in a sink, letting the filth of crusted over pieces layer onto their surfaces as if they were representative of my own flesh, having let itself become filthy. No clothes in my house were clean, I'd leave them wherever I took them off, wherever they happened to fall. My dog made a habit of sleeping on piles of my clothes because i just didn't care. I probably, well, not probably, I would go a week or more without showering, rarely shaved unless I knew that I may have to see a family member, so nothing would be suspected(note-usually I don't shave when I feel as though I am hiding from things. So if you see me sporting some thick looking stubble, you'll know why)
I'd come to pretty much hate everyone in my life for some reason or purpose, I wanted to find something to hate about them so I could justify me hating myself and my life, and know that I could make or hopefully make people hate me so I would have no one that cared about me. I destroyed those relationships most delicate to me because of how much I hated myself and the world I existed in.
I spent day after day after day finding reasons to hate my own existence. Finding reasons to believe that I was nothing but a horrible accident that despite all my parents reassurances, was something they never truly wanted.
It was then, only then, at this moment, when all hope was seemingly lost in my life, that God whispered in my ear. I can't say it was magical or spiritual at the time because frankly you really don't notice when something like this happens to you. But it was because something in me, or more specifically, out of me, told me I needed to go see the Easter celebration with my parents and aunt. The place where, for the first time in my life, I was introduced to Jesus.
As the Holy Spirit of God lives and dwells within those who have submitted to Christ, even though I met a man, a human man named Jarret that night, who was portraying Jesus, I, in fact, met the Lord through him.
Even know, I'm brought to tears because of this moment. Jarret asked my name, and I told him, and he said "Tim, you know Jesus loves you, right?"
There are two moments in your life, pretty much the only two moments that ever matter, I believe. The first moment is when you are introduced to Jesus. I don't mean by reading a verse or by attending a meeting or hearing a person preach about it. I mean the moment when God decides it's now time for you to know Him. God decided, on that night, on that fateful Saturday night, that He wanted to introduce Himself to me.
The second moment is when you accept His invitation into your heart, and you declare He is your Lord & Savior. It took just a little over a year in my life of dancing around Him, learning about Him, wanting to reject Him & His gifts, before He finally let me know, in my heart, that I was ready to accept Him.
There is endless debate, biblical & moral, about whether or not we accept God or He comes to accept us through our submission. God has laid out a path for each of us to accept Him & His invitation, but He knows that not all of us will. We can only come to Him when He has determined for us, and not otherwise. I truly and firmly believe and will never shy from the fact that I know my life, the life I led, God allowed me to destroy it, He gave me exactly what I wanted, in order that I might see Him one day, and accept what He was wanting to give to me. The time for my life to accept Christ is exactly as God decided for me, not the other way around. I didn't just pick God. God picked me, and it took nearly 3 decades to do so....
I managed to come in a shade under the early Israelites ;-)
2.How does the sovereign power of God strike you? Does it leave you feeling confined and hemmed in? Or does it make you feel totally secure and at rest in His eternal purposes?
I don't feel secure yet within God. I know it's not God who's feeling this, it's me. I also don't feel like I'm confined to one way of doing things, even though obviously I know there's sins I can commit and things I will do or have done that aren't leading me with every moment towards Christ.....yet, it's still hard to peg down because clearly every moment in my life before I met God, and doing things of my sinful desires, I was being led inevitably towards Him.
As I'd written in a previous entry, people say just trust in the Lord, He'll bring you through every storm, and you'll have nothing to worry about. And if you are worried, take it to God with rejoice and thanksgiving, so you are never left in anxiousness. I know this is easier for some than others, but I'm also left to wonder about the people who say this and what kinds of crisises(is it crisis or crises or crisice?) that their lives have been through. I still think back to people like Joseph or the bleeding woman. A large chunk of their lives, we're talking years here, were filled with crisis. Yet with Joseph we're told the Lord was with Him. The bleeding woman? Notsomuch. We only find her after she's bled for 12 years being healed. Was she devout in her believing eventually she'd be healed? Or did she think that God had abandoned her because of what had befallen her?
Wherever I go in my life, God is always going to be there. Whether I make a stupid decision or a decision that is made in His honor, He will be right there with me. Lately, it has been incredibly difficult for me to feel God's presence in my life. I feel very alone and depressed here in Alabama more often than not, and I am not so far yet deep into Christ and His love for me that I can simply take comfort by knowing "the Lord is with me", or by reading a scriptural verse, or praying.
My prayers as of late feel more the prayers of a person who accepted Christ but does not yet know how to 'accept' Christ. And this saddens me with these feelings of isolation and lonliness because for the majority of my life before I knew Him, I expected and believed I was a person who was to have little or no friends, who was to never be in a relationship or have a family, who was to grow old and die alone with nothing of substance to show in my life.
Lately, my heart and soul has been left wondering if this still isn't God's path for me, the only difference being now He is all who I can ever hope to love or speak to. I have regressed into some of my old ways, because of the feelings of comfort they afford me, though I know it's a fake comfort, a lie. Wanting to abuse my mind or body are things that are unnatural of me, and have no place here for me anymore, yet they stick around because I'm feeling so lost within God. He feels so greatly abundant and large that my voice simply echoes inside of Him, and is only heard after they've bounced off the walls for a while.
I think of how when I am feeling down, I've not wanted to devote time to Him. Even now, writing these entries, I've not wanted to do the last two. But there is some part of me that doesn't want to lame out and not do them, because I know they'll be good for me in the end. But then another part of me wonders if these are my true answers, and not answers of a man who's simply searching for a way to make sure he does the bare minimum and gets by.
I don't want to do the bare minimum, but with all my smarts, all my seemingly endless talents I've been supplied, my life has always been one of just wanting to scrape by. It's something I need to learn how to discuss with Him more, and give over to Him completely, so that I won't feel as though I'm the at the bottom of the barrel in everything I do.
So, in short, I am lost in God's vastness, when I need to learn to be secured in His closeness. May He see these words on this page and in my soul, and may He show me how to break free of these illusions I still hold onto, once and forever.
Amen.
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