3 decades spent with pain and sadness
running through a life driven crazy by madness
why can't I escape these demons and flee?
is there no port of hope of safe haven for me?
i walk through these lands these shadows of death
i've been rescued by you by not from myself
tear-dropping moments where I can't raise from my bed
praying tonight is the night when I wake up to be dead
wandering though Eden from choices I cannot escape
dice rolled eons ago eternally sealing my fate
having been willed to the point of finally getting to here
only to be told you're the one I should fear
fearfully and wonderfully have we all been made
but never given a choice in the game to be played
you deal out justice and mercy while sitting high atop your throne
actions and thoughts imprinted within us but never condoned
I fought for myself when no one was with me
now I can fight for you....if only I submit to thee
if it's better to live on your feet than die on our knees
instead of weighing out judgments couldn't you have just said 'please'?
we were given your Son the way truth and life
what need does God have of family be it your groom to our wife?
in the end we are given a choice echoed straight to the heart
but what about those souls who were ended....before they even got to the start?
in your wisdom & through your divine grace
you deemed me worthy of position to run in your race
and yet here I am now not knowing where or what or how to run
please tell me my race isn't over before it's begun
Monday, June 20, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I think God is wanting me to write this...
And I think He wants me to talk about my years when I was a drug addict.
I don't necessarily think he wants me to talk about the early years, when I was just playing around with smoking weed. Not because it's not significant, but because thos early years, when I was in 'control' of my life, things weren't bad.
But I think He wants me to focus on the time leading up to my DUI and then the subsequent years after....
I'd been working at West Coast, and I was certainly deteriorating without acknowledging it. I must have been making around 8-900 a week there, and yet, every two weeks, I was literally putting my checks into my account just to cover overdraft fees. I was always broke, and was smoking weed a lot lot more right before I'd left. I was even getting high at work, or worse, while I was out and about driving to city halls. My car was my office. I was a functional stoner. I could smoke and go do my permit pulling or site checking, and all was well.
When I'd left West Coast, around a month and a half later was when I'd had my DUI. It in itself is a long story, suffice to say I was at a Casino in Palm Springs, was going to a concert, and had loaded up on alcohol while there, as I'd figured I would be sweating out most of the booze while bouncing around to the music. I can't remember how many drinks I'd had that night, and while I've always maintained I had at most 4-5 mixed doubles, I think in my heart I know that I probably drank more than that.
What no one knows after my being kicked out the concert was that I was looking forward to going home and smoking the weed that I'd left there. I suppose perhaps God did a few things that night while I drove home.
He made sure I didn't hurt or kill anyone.
He made sure I didn't hurt or kill myself.
He made sure I left my weed at home as to probably avoid real jail time.
He made sure the cops arrested me.
I can remember the jailcell. How small, lifeless, shamful it felt in side. No prison bars. Just giant plexiglass and a cold painted concrete slab.
I remember sitting there, indian-style, trying to clear my mind, trying to meditate. When that wasn't working, I tried talking to God.
I sat there on the floor of a jailcell, bawling my eyes out, begging Him to save my life. Promising Him I'd do anything for Him. I'd stop taking drugs. I'd stop drinking. I promise God. I promise God. I promise God.
And I've come to realize in my life, whenever I seem to make God a promise or vow (which I've come to find out God says if you make one, ya better fuckin do it, or just shut your mouth and don't make it, b/c it's worse to make and break than it is not to make at all), whenever I've told Him the "I'll do this if You do this" type of thing, that's usually when the enemy gets louder in my ear, and when I usually tend to turn the wrong way and go spiraling down again.
Granted, at that particular time, I was not Christian, I was not a person who believed in Christ or the Holy Spirit or the Lord. I hated religion and faith and all it stood for, and yet there I was, hoping to square a deal away with God.
Then things got worse.
I started taking ecstasy. I started taking mushrooms. I started taking LSD. I was even branching out into salvia. And the weed was ever present. Oh was it present.
I remember trying to fight at times, trying to stop, only to fail miserably. I remember scouring the shaggy carpet in my living room, on my knees in the middle of the night, searching for tiny bits of marijuana. I remember going out to my trash and digging through what must have been bags upon bags of filthy garbage to look and see if any of the roaches I'd thrown away weeks before happened to get wrapped tight enough in the plastic.
There's a movie on right now called 'Crazy Heart' with Jeff Bridges, about an aging country star who's was an alcoholic, and was losing his battle, until finally something happened in the film where he had to change his ways. Now, months ago, when I first saw it, I believe God showed it to me to lay peace on my heart in relation to the past relationship I had with my ex.
But there's a scene in it where he's on the phone talking to someone, and has to drop the phone because he runs to the bathroom to throw up. He barely makes it and is on the bathroom floor, heaving and puking, and you can hear the pain in his body, the exhaustion that's taking the toll on him. It's as emotionally impactful to me tonight as it was when I first saw it, and it reminded me of the past.
It reminded me of those nights when I'd throw back 3-5 tabs of x, and would be fighting my body in the comedown heaves, my teeth grinding into my brain. It reminded me of when I would smoke so much weed because I'd built up such a tolerance that I'd literally fall out of my chair and would need to crawl to the bathroom to throw up. And that's if I could make it to the bathroom. Most times I'd not even be able to pick my head up off the floor, holding on to the ground, so that I wouldn't fall apart. And I remember those times I did make it. Shaking uncontrollably down on my knees, snot and vomit coming out of my face, my eyes soaking wet with tears, and my body aching from the sweat dripping off my body........until I would get done puking and then crawl back out to the living room to do more drugs.
The allure of drugs controlled me. They formed every aspect of my life. When can I get high, where will it be, how long can I do it, how much will I have, when can I get some more. I was, at certain points, spending every cent I could get my hands on buying drugs, and going the jim morrison route, literally. I thought if I ate nothing but oranges I'd be fine, and still have my drugs. When you smoke out, days can pass and you don't worry about the hunger if you just lay back and let it take you.
All of this happened AFTER I'd promised God to save my life in that prison cell. To not let me go to jail, to not let the 'freedom' I'd had be taken away.
And all this happened right before the Dallas Mavericks & Miami Heat went to the NBA finals. Because I'd just had my DUI, and was deep in my drugs and not employed, I had nothing to do but watch tv, and the basketball finals had just started.
Dallas was supposed to win. They had one of the best records in the NBA ever. They were up 2-0, gonna be up 3-0. Then Dirk missed 2 free-throws with around 5 minutes left, and Miami came back to win the entire series.
Why is a basketball game significant to this story?
Because I think God is running full circle with me on His word, because I believe He's erased drugs from my being. I can't even truly say the temptation is there, because temptation is one of those things where you say to yourself "well, if I had an extra 20, which I do, I could go pick up some weed and smoke it." And yet, here I am now, knowing that if I had the extra money, I'd have no desire whatsoever to take drugs. My mind doesn't "go there" first anymore. Or even second. Or third for that matter. It's just not there.
Dallas lost that series years ago when I was a drug addict who would turn into an even deeper, more expansive user. And I remember feeling like their loss was a result of my breaking my word to God, because I'd kept taking all those drugs. I'm not saying it's true or that was a bi-product of things, but I remember always feeling a distinct corrolation between the world I lived in the events that happened in the world. If I was up, it was up. If I was down, it was down, etc. etc.
I was a drug addict. It was a dark part of my life. It didn't have to happen the way it did, but it did, because I thought I was the one in control of everything. How wrong I was.
Here I am now though.
5 years later.
I believe in Christ.
He has taken the sin of drugs and wiped it from me, because He is God, and I asked Him to.
And Dallas just may win.
All glory & praise be to Him. Amen.
I don't necessarily think he wants me to talk about the early years, when I was just playing around with smoking weed. Not because it's not significant, but because thos early years, when I was in 'control' of my life, things weren't bad.
But I think He wants me to focus on the time leading up to my DUI and then the subsequent years after....
I'd been working at West Coast, and I was certainly deteriorating without acknowledging it. I must have been making around 8-900 a week there, and yet, every two weeks, I was literally putting my checks into my account just to cover overdraft fees. I was always broke, and was smoking weed a lot lot more right before I'd left. I was even getting high at work, or worse, while I was out and about driving to city halls. My car was my office. I was a functional stoner. I could smoke and go do my permit pulling or site checking, and all was well.
When I'd left West Coast, around a month and a half later was when I'd had my DUI. It in itself is a long story, suffice to say I was at a Casino in Palm Springs, was going to a concert, and had loaded up on alcohol while there, as I'd figured I would be sweating out most of the booze while bouncing around to the music. I can't remember how many drinks I'd had that night, and while I've always maintained I had at most 4-5 mixed doubles, I think in my heart I know that I probably drank more than that.
What no one knows after my being kicked out the concert was that I was looking forward to going home and smoking the weed that I'd left there. I suppose perhaps God did a few things that night while I drove home.
He made sure I didn't hurt or kill anyone.
He made sure I didn't hurt or kill myself.
He made sure I left my weed at home as to probably avoid real jail time.
He made sure the cops arrested me.
I can remember the jailcell. How small, lifeless, shamful it felt in side. No prison bars. Just giant plexiglass and a cold painted concrete slab.
I remember sitting there, indian-style, trying to clear my mind, trying to meditate. When that wasn't working, I tried talking to God.
I sat there on the floor of a jailcell, bawling my eyes out, begging Him to save my life. Promising Him I'd do anything for Him. I'd stop taking drugs. I'd stop drinking. I promise God. I promise God. I promise God.
And I've come to realize in my life, whenever I seem to make God a promise or vow (which I've come to find out God says if you make one, ya better fuckin do it, or just shut your mouth and don't make it, b/c it's worse to make and break than it is not to make at all), whenever I've told Him the "I'll do this if You do this" type of thing, that's usually when the enemy gets louder in my ear, and when I usually tend to turn the wrong way and go spiraling down again.
Granted, at that particular time, I was not Christian, I was not a person who believed in Christ or the Holy Spirit or the Lord. I hated religion and faith and all it stood for, and yet there I was, hoping to square a deal away with God.
Then things got worse.
I started taking ecstasy. I started taking mushrooms. I started taking LSD. I was even branching out into salvia. And the weed was ever present. Oh was it present.
I remember trying to fight at times, trying to stop, only to fail miserably. I remember scouring the shaggy carpet in my living room, on my knees in the middle of the night, searching for tiny bits of marijuana. I remember going out to my trash and digging through what must have been bags upon bags of filthy garbage to look and see if any of the roaches I'd thrown away weeks before happened to get wrapped tight enough in the plastic.
There's a movie on right now called 'Crazy Heart' with Jeff Bridges, about an aging country star who's was an alcoholic, and was losing his battle, until finally something happened in the film where he had to change his ways. Now, months ago, when I first saw it, I believe God showed it to me to lay peace on my heart in relation to the past relationship I had with my ex.
But there's a scene in it where he's on the phone talking to someone, and has to drop the phone because he runs to the bathroom to throw up. He barely makes it and is on the bathroom floor, heaving and puking, and you can hear the pain in his body, the exhaustion that's taking the toll on him. It's as emotionally impactful to me tonight as it was when I first saw it, and it reminded me of the past.
It reminded me of those nights when I'd throw back 3-5 tabs of x, and would be fighting my body in the comedown heaves, my teeth grinding into my brain. It reminded me of when I would smoke so much weed because I'd built up such a tolerance that I'd literally fall out of my chair and would need to crawl to the bathroom to throw up. And that's if I could make it to the bathroom. Most times I'd not even be able to pick my head up off the floor, holding on to the ground, so that I wouldn't fall apart. And I remember those times I did make it. Shaking uncontrollably down on my knees, snot and vomit coming out of my face, my eyes soaking wet with tears, and my body aching from the sweat dripping off my body........until I would get done puking and then crawl back out to the living room to do more drugs.
The allure of drugs controlled me. They formed every aspect of my life. When can I get high, where will it be, how long can I do it, how much will I have, when can I get some more. I was, at certain points, spending every cent I could get my hands on buying drugs, and going the jim morrison route, literally. I thought if I ate nothing but oranges I'd be fine, and still have my drugs. When you smoke out, days can pass and you don't worry about the hunger if you just lay back and let it take you.
All of this happened AFTER I'd promised God to save my life in that prison cell. To not let me go to jail, to not let the 'freedom' I'd had be taken away.
And all this happened right before the Dallas Mavericks & Miami Heat went to the NBA finals. Because I'd just had my DUI, and was deep in my drugs and not employed, I had nothing to do but watch tv, and the basketball finals had just started.
Dallas was supposed to win. They had one of the best records in the NBA ever. They were up 2-0, gonna be up 3-0. Then Dirk missed 2 free-throws with around 5 minutes left, and Miami came back to win the entire series.
Why is a basketball game significant to this story?
Because I think God is running full circle with me on His word, because I believe He's erased drugs from my being. I can't even truly say the temptation is there, because temptation is one of those things where you say to yourself "well, if I had an extra 20, which I do, I could go pick up some weed and smoke it." And yet, here I am now, knowing that if I had the extra money, I'd have no desire whatsoever to take drugs. My mind doesn't "go there" first anymore. Or even second. Or third for that matter. It's just not there.
Dallas lost that series years ago when I was a drug addict who would turn into an even deeper, more expansive user. And I remember feeling like their loss was a result of my breaking my word to God, because I'd kept taking all those drugs. I'm not saying it's true or that was a bi-product of things, but I remember always feeling a distinct corrolation between the world I lived in the events that happened in the world. If I was up, it was up. If I was down, it was down, etc. etc.
I was a drug addict. It was a dark part of my life. It didn't have to happen the way it did, but it did, because I thought I was the one in control of everything. How wrong I was.
Here I am now though.
5 years later.
I believe in Christ.
He has taken the sin of drugs and wiped it from me, because He is God, and I asked Him to.
And Dallas just may win.
All glory & praise be to Him. Amen.
Been having trouble the last few days...
with being able to sleep.
with being able to get my blog going. I keep having the feeling that when I do the 90 day entries, I'm not giving them enough thought or depth or connecting with them enough.
been feeling really lonely, outside of God. Like incredibly lonely. But like Saul with his Christian murdering before he was converted, I figure relationships with women were something that could only exist outside of God when I was a sinner, and now that I'm His, no more physical love.
been having trouble letting some emotions go lately as well. I don't like the feeling of having to change how I speak or feel like I have to triple-check my words less they be misinterpreted when I talk to some people, especially when those people make me feel as though they speak from a position of zery fault/responsibility/ownage for their own words. And this really not so much frutrates or angers me as much as it hurts me. I don't run into these issues with other people, so either all the other people give me a pass, or I'm just simply held to some different internal standard in this person's mind, and every word I say is never the right word. I have taken great strides in making sure I don't talk out of my ass, or look to be the brash crass in your face old me, but I will not be made to feel as though I have to change who I am or conform or pull back or w/e you want to call it when I speak with them....
been accepting the fact that I more than likely will not be making it to my friends Scott & Katies' wedding. This really makes me sad because of the failures on my part that took place in the past six months. I won't be there because of my own mistakes, and I cannot bring myself to be dependant upon anyone for a way there.
The only thing I've really found joy in lately is Jesus. Just Him. I have my daily moments where I fuck up, but I have been able to make sure I am more aware of being obedient to Him, or submitting to Him, in the sense of praying more, talking openly, etc. etc.
I still feel like I'm being ignored by Him & God. I don't mean like they aren't paying attention. Just more like everything I say or ask for is falling on deaf ears. Sure, I know that's not true and He hears everything, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel these things inside.
Really hoping i can find work soon. Have been putting more effort into this, and am hitting more places again tomorrow.
It hurts inside, to feel like I'm nothing but a giant child who can't even tie his own shoes. When the day comes, I'm gonna ask God just why exactly he made my mind the way it is. It seems that there's always a cloud of inner torment and self-depreciation, no matter what the aspect.
To Him be the glory, praise & honor, forever.
with being able to get my blog going. I keep having the feeling that when I do the 90 day entries, I'm not giving them enough thought or depth or connecting with them enough.
been feeling really lonely, outside of God. Like incredibly lonely. But like Saul with his Christian murdering before he was converted, I figure relationships with women were something that could only exist outside of God when I was a sinner, and now that I'm His, no more physical love.
been having trouble letting some emotions go lately as well. I don't like the feeling of having to change how I speak or feel like I have to triple-check my words less they be misinterpreted when I talk to some people, especially when those people make me feel as though they speak from a position of zery fault/responsibility/ownage for their own words. And this really not so much frutrates or angers me as much as it hurts me. I don't run into these issues with other people, so either all the other people give me a pass, or I'm just simply held to some different internal standard in this person's mind, and every word I say is never the right word. I have taken great strides in making sure I don't talk out of my ass, or look to be the brash crass in your face old me, but I will not be made to feel as though I have to change who I am or conform or pull back or w/e you want to call it when I speak with them....
been accepting the fact that I more than likely will not be making it to my friends Scott & Katies' wedding. This really makes me sad because of the failures on my part that took place in the past six months. I won't be there because of my own mistakes, and I cannot bring myself to be dependant upon anyone for a way there.
The only thing I've really found joy in lately is Jesus. Just Him. I have my daily moments where I fuck up, but I have been able to make sure I am more aware of being obedient to Him, or submitting to Him, in the sense of praying more, talking openly, etc. etc.
I still feel like I'm being ignored by Him & God. I don't mean like they aren't paying attention. Just more like everything I say or ask for is falling on deaf ears. Sure, I know that's not true and He hears everything, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel these things inside.
Really hoping i can find work soon. Have been putting more effort into this, and am hitting more places again tomorrow.
It hurts inside, to feel like I'm nothing but a giant child who can't even tie his own shoes. When the day comes, I'm gonna ask God just why exactly he made my mind the way it is. It seems that there's always a cloud of inner torment and self-depreciation, no matter what the aspect.
To Him be the glory, praise & honor, forever.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 50
(action points Luke 9:46-48)
1. Is it a good thing or a bad thing to have the desire for greatness in us? Should we be suspicious of its mere presence?
Not at all. Our desire for greatness, in a similar sense, is the same as our desire for pleasure. Both pleasure and greatness come from the Lord. Now, while it's evident both terms represent a large spectrum of possibilities, it's only when we deviate from the Lord and seek pleasure or greatness for it's own sake, or, worse, for our sake.
The Lord has put it in us to be His messengers, his followers, his leaders. A desire to achieve much is a healthy desire in the eyes of the Lord, but again, only if such achievements are for Him.
I know I've mentioned this Indiana Jones scene in many previous entries, but I think it makes perfect sense here.
When the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword (the Arab freedom fighters) become engaged with Indy, but eventually realize they're on the same side, one of the lead members says to him-
"Ask yourself, why do you seek the cup of Christ? Is it for His glory? Or for yours?"
My desire to do greatness must only come from my desire to be used to my absoluteness in the Kingdom of Heaven by the Lord. The Luke passages conveys Jesus' own words when He says "the least among you will be the greatest", and my personal belief or understanding is the Lord is stating that those willing to give up all the earthly, kingly titles, the pleasures and joys of the world, and are willing to work in full cohesion with God, those will be ones who are probably given much responsibility in His Kingdom.
With all that being said, should we be suspicious anytime we feel the call to do something wonderful? Of course not. We should look at the stirrings of feelings. Why are they there? Where did they come from? Are they something I myself would normally think about, or is it something from God? The enemy offered Jesus the whole world, showing Him all the inhabitants, all who would bow down before Him, if only He knelt to satan. And because Jesus understood this temptation, that no great thing can be offered outside of God, He rejected it's falsehood.
2. Why does it not seem to be enough for us to achieve success unless we're outdistancing someone else's success?
Well, for one thing, America is the best! Everyone else is shit! Make your fortune here, make sure you're on top, make sure you have no one else above you.
Heck, I'm in an ongoing thread right now about which comic film was greater-Thor or X-Men:First Class. The people involved are using all kinds of proven movietific methods like power of the f/x, strength of script, acting ability, etc., etc. And each of us, though we have no physical ties to the film, it's makers, or stars, feel as though if our film isn't accepted as the greatest, or the more successful of the two, we feel as though somehow a part of ourselves is sold short. That somehow, what we believe in, that it's juuuust not up to snuff to the next guy.
This world has one direction-forward. But the speed at which we're moving, you're only as valuable as the the demand for what you do. If you sustain, level out, don't advance, you're seen as behind the times. You're seen as uninformed, as just a little lacking in current information.
It used to be AOL. then, people were using Yahoo Messenger. Then MySpace came. Now Facebook. It's all about who can provide more of what, even if what they're providing isn't something I necessarily need.
And yet, there's not a single thing we can do in God's eyes that will make us any better than we are. He loves us ABSOLUTELY the same, whether I am the most sinful of sinners, or the most holy of holies. I cannot make, do, or say anything to be loved more by God, the same way I cannot make, do, or say anything to be any less loved by God. God's ways are not our ways. He sees what we do not see.
To Him be the glory, all the praise, all the honor. Amen
1. Is it a good thing or a bad thing to have the desire for greatness in us? Should we be suspicious of its mere presence?
Not at all. Our desire for greatness, in a similar sense, is the same as our desire for pleasure. Both pleasure and greatness come from the Lord. Now, while it's evident both terms represent a large spectrum of possibilities, it's only when we deviate from the Lord and seek pleasure or greatness for it's own sake, or, worse, for our sake.
The Lord has put it in us to be His messengers, his followers, his leaders. A desire to achieve much is a healthy desire in the eyes of the Lord, but again, only if such achievements are for Him.
I know I've mentioned this Indiana Jones scene in many previous entries, but I think it makes perfect sense here.
When the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword (the Arab freedom fighters) become engaged with Indy, but eventually realize they're on the same side, one of the lead members says to him-
"Ask yourself, why do you seek the cup of Christ? Is it for His glory? Or for yours?"
My desire to do greatness must only come from my desire to be used to my absoluteness in the Kingdom of Heaven by the Lord. The Luke passages conveys Jesus' own words when He says "the least among you will be the greatest", and my personal belief or understanding is the Lord is stating that those willing to give up all the earthly, kingly titles, the pleasures and joys of the world, and are willing to work in full cohesion with God, those will be ones who are probably given much responsibility in His Kingdom.
With all that being said, should we be suspicious anytime we feel the call to do something wonderful? Of course not. We should look at the stirrings of feelings. Why are they there? Where did they come from? Are they something I myself would normally think about, or is it something from God? The enemy offered Jesus the whole world, showing Him all the inhabitants, all who would bow down before Him, if only He knelt to satan. And because Jesus understood this temptation, that no great thing can be offered outside of God, He rejected it's falsehood.
2. Why does it not seem to be enough for us to achieve success unless we're outdistancing someone else's success?
Well, for one thing, America is the best! Everyone else is shit! Make your fortune here, make sure you're on top, make sure you have no one else above you.
Heck, I'm in an ongoing thread right now about which comic film was greater-Thor or X-Men:First Class. The people involved are using all kinds of proven movietific methods like power of the f/x, strength of script, acting ability, etc., etc. And each of us, though we have no physical ties to the film, it's makers, or stars, feel as though if our film isn't accepted as the greatest, or the more successful of the two, we feel as though somehow a part of ourselves is sold short. That somehow, what we believe in, that it's juuuust not up to snuff to the next guy.
This world has one direction-forward. But the speed at which we're moving, you're only as valuable as the the demand for what you do. If you sustain, level out, don't advance, you're seen as behind the times. You're seen as uninformed, as just a little lacking in current information.
It used to be AOL. then, people were using Yahoo Messenger. Then MySpace came. Now Facebook. It's all about who can provide more of what, even if what they're providing isn't something I necessarily need.
And yet, there's not a single thing we can do in God's eyes that will make us any better than we are. He loves us ABSOLUTELY the same, whether I am the most sinful of sinners, or the most holy of holies. I cannot make, do, or say anything to be loved more by God, the same way I cannot make, do, or say anything to be any less loved by God. God's ways are not our ways. He sees what we do not see.
To Him be the glory, all the praise, all the honor. Amen
Saturday, June 4, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 49
(action points Mark 9:19-29)
1. Few of us would be so bold as to ask Christ to His face "if" He was able to do something. But how do we say the same thing to Him with our actions and attitudes?
First, it's not a matter of boldness that the man in the story asks Christ "if" He can do something. It's born out of what I consider to be a joint union of subconscious arrogance and human feebleness. Jesus instructs the man He can do anything if he will have faith, and the man asks for his faith to be re-affirmed, so that he may overcome his disbelief.
I never think Jesus cares about me. Sure, He loves me in that whole "God loves you so I love you because it pleases God" type of way, but I have friends and family who can love a person and not care much about them or their goings-on. I think a lot of my prayers to God end up being 'ifs' of some sort. If your will be done Lord, let this happen, If it's what you desire blah blah fucking blah.
Right now, I wanna know if God can show me what I'm supposed to do in the next step of my life. But God never answers me on my terms, my way, my understanding. I mean it. I just don't get answers from Him. It's like God has set me down in my own little glass ecosystem, and stepped back to see what I'd do. Well, God, I have no fucking idea what direction I'm supposed to go in. So IF you can, I'd be thankful IF you would give me some sort of sign, instead of playing a game of thumb up your butt while Tim struggles to know You.
That answer probably didn't answer the question. Fuck it. Right now I don't care.
2. What do you think Jesus does with our "if you can" questions?
Gets angry at our belief He can't. What the fuck does it matter what He does with those questions? The probably get tossed in the non-existent recycle bin, while He looks over he 'real' prayers. You know, the pure pure of heart ones that we ourselves aren't even praying, but that it's Him who's doing it for us. My 'if you can' questions are probably somewhat blasphemous, because it doubts His power. But w/e.
*reflection
What do you need His help believing Him for today?
Faith. Happiness. Stronger belief. Shedding of anger. Shedding of doubt. Shedding of the urge that is burning upon my chest right now of wanting beat something to exhaustion.
So God. I know You can. Do something miraculous before my eyes. It doesn't even have to be related to me in any way. Just make something happen that helps re-affirm my faith.
And if you can't, well, it's because you won't. So I'll stay in the mindset Im at. But hey, you let a boy fall under demons for 12 years before you helped Him. Why should I expect anything from you in this upcoming future?
If you can, answer THAT. Amen
1. Few of us would be so bold as to ask Christ to His face "if" He was able to do something. But how do we say the same thing to Him with our actions and attitudes?
First, it's not a matter of boldness that the man in the story asks Christ "if" He can do something. It's born out of what I consider to be a joint union of subconscious arrogance and human feebleness. Jesus instructs the man He can do anything if he will have faith, and the man asks for his faith to be re-affirmed, so that he may overcome his disbelief.
I never think Jesus cares about me. Sure, He loves me in that whole "God loves you so I love you because it pleases God" type of way, but I have friends and family who can love a person and not care much about them or their goings-on. I think a lot of my prayers to God end up being 'ifs' of some sort. If your will be done Lord, let this happen, If it's what you desire blah blah fucking blah.
Right now, I wanna know if God can show me what I'm supposed to do in the next step of my life. But God never answers me on my terms, my way, my understanding. I mean it. I just don't get answers from Him. It's like God has set me down in my own little glass ecosystem, and stepped back to see what I'd do. Well, God, I have no fucking idea what direction I'm supposed to go in. So IF you can, I'd be thankful IF you would give me some sort of sign, instead of playing a game of thumb up your butt while Tim struggles to know You.
That answer probably didn't answer the question. Fuck it. Right now I don't care.
2. What do you think Jesus does with our "if you can" questions?
Gets angry at our belief He can't. What the fuck does it matter what He does with those questions? The probably get tossed in the non-existent recycle bin, while He looks over he 'real' prayers. You know, the pure pure of heart ones that we ourselves aren't even praying, but that it's Him who's doing it for us. My 'if you can' questions are probably somewhat blasphemous, because it doubts His power. But w/e.
*reflection
What do you need His help believing Him for today?
Faith. Happiness. Stronger belief. Shedding of anger. Shedding of doubt. Shedding of the urge that is burning upon my chest right now of wanting beat something to exhaustion.
So God. I know You can. Do something miraculous before my eyes. It doesn't even have to be related to me in any way. Just make something happen that helps re-affirm my faith.
And if you can't, well, it's because you won't. So I'll stay in the mindset Im at. But hey, you let a boy fall under demons for 12 years before you helped Him. Why should I expect anything from you in this upcoming future?
If you can, answer THAT. Amen
Friday, June 3, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 48
(action points Mark 9:14-18)
1.When you find yourself unable to accomplish much-spiritually speaking-what do you identify as the usual suspects, the usual reasons why?
For myself, it would be matters of the flesh and consumption of the everyday thoughts of the world. Too often, I've found myself laying out the plans for what it is I'm going to do, instead of bringing those plans to God and praying about it. Real prayer, not just "hey God, this is what I'm thinking of, and I wanted to let you know where I stand." As if my stance on the subject was what God needs to take into consideration when making decisions in my life.
With my flesh, it tends to be my physical attributes that I start focusing on, just as I focus on the issues of the world, and when my focus is drawn to those things, my power is seemingly drawn to those things as well, and my 'connection' if you will to the Lord becomes somewhat fragmented. It doesn't mean I'm picking up morse code or strange vibrations from above. It simply means that the moment I take my eyes off God, well, I've taken my eyes off God. Every little thing He does is magic. And every moment I have should be a conscious act of submission to God's will.
But since He made us in His image, and gave us the option to choose, we become enamored in the things we believe can make the difference in our lives, and not Him, and it leads to a form of idolatry. I would say, in fact, most people's crime today is that they commit the sin of self-idolatry. The world we live in is moving so fast now, it's allowing us to do, say, be, protest, act upon, follow, lead, stand alone from, anything and everything in the world.
I look at my computer. I can go play on the internet right now, and stop journaling about God, and it would be a prime example of what sometimes happens to people. We just become sort of 'zoned out' to all things God, and let ourselves become pre-occupied with the most miniscule of things.
Or, I've also sometimes let my spiritual growth be hampered by the people around me. Wanting to fit in, wanting to feel a part of something, letting yourself get into situations you know you shouldn't be in, hearing those bells go off in your head somewhere, but not loud enough to stop you. Saying things you know you'd normally think about saying, instead of flying off the cuff to impress someone. I found this happened to me a lot at my previous job. I'd allow the swirl of drama that took place around me to dictate the way I would act & react, and the results were not favorable.
Ultimately, like I mentioned above, when we take our focus off God, that's exactly what happens.
2.If you could be as victorious and consistent as you'd like to be, what would you most likely want to accomplish for the Kingdom?
See, this question throws me a bit. It almost has a sense of pride to it, in saying, if I could choose what I got to do in Heaven, what would I pick? And yet God has shown us time and again that the ways of man are not His ways, so any answer I give right now, I almost feel as though I'd be committing a sin against the Lord in saying this is what I'd do.
I was almost going to write that this is a hypothetical situation, but in doing so, I completely negate the entire biblical passage I just read and the reason for the exercise. Christ has already claimed victory in me, and so what I'd most likely wish to accomplish for the Lord's Kingdom is doing His will with my every waking breath. My goal, personally, I believe, is to love God so much that I stop wondering where He ends and I begin. I would hope in my growth with Him I would be tasked and used to such an end that if a person were to hear the testimony of how He called my life back to Him, that perhaps they would be gifted with the same internal emotional stirrings that were put upon my heart and soul .
In the end, is there really anything more we can hope to accomplish than loving Christ so much we simply cease to recognize ourselves, and only see Him in us? John Eldridge once said -
'The Glory of God is man fully alive'
And the only way a man could ever hope to be fully alive is fully surrendered and fully obedient.
So far, Jesus is the only one who did both to my knowledge.
What an awesome example to mold oneself from.
Be the Kingdom :D
1.When you find yourself unable to accomplish much-spiritually speaking-what do you identify as the usual suspects, the usual reasons why?
For myself, it would be matters of the flesh and consumption of the everyday thoughts of the world. Too often, I've found myself laying out the plans for what it is I'm going to do, instead of bringing those plans to God and praying about it. Real prayer, not just "hey God, this is what I'm thinking of, and I wanted to let you know where I stand." As if my stance on the subject was what God needs to take into consideration when making decisions in my life.
With my flesh, it tends to be my physical attributes that I start focusing on, just as I focus on the issues of the world, and when my focus is drawn to those things, my power is seemingly drawn to those things as well, and my 'connection' if you will to the Lord becomes somewhat fragmented. It doesn't mean I'm picking up morse code or strange vibrations from above. It simply means that the moment I take my eyes off God, well, I've taken my eyes off God. Every little thing He does is magic. And every moment I have should be a conscious act of submission to God's will.
But since He made us in His image, and gave us the option to choose, we become enamored in the things we believe can make the difference in our lives, and not Him, and it leads to a form of idolatry. I would say, in fact, most people's crime today is that they commit the sin of self-idolatry. The world we live in is moving so fast now, it's allowing us to do, say, be, protest, act upon, follow, lead, stand alone from, anything and everything in the world.
I look at my computer. I can go play on the internet right now, and stop journaling about God, and it would be a prime example of what sometimes happens to people. We just become sort of 'zoned out' to all things God, and let ourselves become pre-occupied with the most miniscule of things.
Or, I've also sometimes let my spiritual growth be hampered by the people around me. Wanting to fit in, wanting to feel a part of something, letting yourself get into situations you know you shouldn't be in, hearing those bells go off in your head somewhere, but not loud enough to stop you. Saying things you know you'd normally think about saying, instead of flying off the cuff to impress someone. I found this happened to me a lot at my previous job. I'd allow the swirl of drama that took place around me to dictate the way I would act & react, and the results were not favorable.
Ultimately, like I mentioned above, when we take our focus off God, that's exactly what happens.
2.If you could be as victorious and consistent as you'd like to be, what would you most likely want to accomplish for the Kingdom?
See, this question throws me a bit. It almost has a sense of pride to it, in saying, if I could choose what I got to do in Heaven, what would I pick? And yet God has shown us time and again that the ways of man are not His ways, so any answer I give right now, I almost feel as though I'd be committing a sin against the Lord in saying this is what I'd do.
I was almost going to write that this is a hypothetical situation, but in doing so, I completely negate the entire biblical passage I just read and the reason for the exercise. Christ has already claimed victory in me, and so what I'd most likely wish to accomplish for the Lord's Kingdom is doing His will with my every waking breath. My goal, personally, I believe, is to love God so much that I stop wondering where He ends and I begin. I would hope in my growth with Him I would be tasked and used to such an end that if a person were to hear the testimony of how He called my life back to Him, that perhaps they would be gifted with the same internal emotional stirrings that were put upon my heart and soul .
In the end, is there really anything more we can hope to accomplish than loving Christ so much we simply cease to recognize ourselves, and only see Him in us? John Eldridge once said -
'The Glory of God is man fully alive'
And the only way a man could ever hope to be fully alive is fully surrendered and fully obedient.
So far, Jesus is the only one who did both to my knowledge.
What an awesome example to mold oneself from.
Be the Kingdom :D
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus....Day 47
(action points Mark 7:31-36)
1. Has the Lord ever rearranged your surroundings on you, taken you away from where you've been? A move? A new job? Circumstances you didn't ask for?
Most recognizeable in this question for me would be His having my life moved from California to Alabama. In fact, today, I was supposed to be rolling back into California, having spent a few days driving cross country, setting myself up to take the next step, believing that's where I was today.
And yet, here I am. Still in Alabama. So far away from the goals I'd set for myself a few months ago. I thought they were God's goals too. Doesn't God see us through when it's His goal? I never seem to know what God's goal is for me. Has the goal already been made in my coming to Him? Is the goal the continued relationship with Him? Is the goal to finish the race?
To quote a famous artist, this is the story all about how my life's been flipped turned upside down, so I'd like to take a minute just sit right there and I'll tell you how I became disciple of the I AM from up there.
Today marks 1 year of walking with you Christ. Of being saved and dipped in your eternal fountain of life. Of accepting your calling me home to you. It's had its ups and downs, to be sure. I've stumbled majorly, but I've learned some of your ways. Lord, let me not stumble as freely in this next year, but let me freely learn from Your Glory, that I may never stumble in life again, and moments of pause or rearrangement are due to your Greatness, and not my inadequateness.
2. What do you think His purpose was in doing that? What was He trying to teach you?
A few things, I should say. First, I would expect that He was looking to instill in me the understanding that no matter where I am in life, He will always be right there with me, listening to my prayers, so that He may present them to The Father, who will give me strength through the Holy Spirit that I may have nothing to fear.
I believe I was taken here also as a means to learn humility. I was, and to a degree, am a prideful person in certain aspects of my life. I don't believe I'm egotistical or narcississtic, but know that in my past, I walked around perhaps feeling an air of invincibility, or superiority as if I knew something greater than others. Yet I was brought to a place where I was by default set back to start completely over in life, having gotten a minimum wage restaraunt job that was similar to my first job, so many years ago. To be in the lowest position in terms of responsibility, in terms of pay, in terms of self-understanding. I know the Lord has gifted me with many things, and I believe His having me work at Ryan's was to show me that I can find peace anywhere with Him, and enjoy my job, but to know also He has put something greater in me than just a simple position as it was, and He set the desire in my heart to know I long for something more.
Lastly, I believe He brought me here so that I would be able to learn from His way, to not be influenced by places or things or moments I shouldn't have influence from. Granted, as I mentioned above I did some major slipping in the past few months, which contributed greatly to why I am still here, but even in what could be seen as a failure or setback by many, including myself, I am coerced into seeing things from God's angle b/c I think as of right now this moment, had I gone back to California, my trinity (mind/body/spirit) was not ready in God's eyes to do so, and thus, I am here.
When I have made it to the point where God deems it's ready for me to move onto the next step, then that will happen. I cannot force God's hand to move any quicker or slower than He decides. I simply have to learn to adapt and be ready for the moment when it gets here.
To You be the glory, Jesus. Amen
1. Has the Lord ever rearranged your surroundings on you, taken you away from where you've been? A move? A new job? Circumstances you didn't ask for?
Most recognizeable in this question for me would be His having my life moved from California to Alabama. In fact, today, I was supposed to be rolling back into California, having spent a few days driving cross country, setting myself up to take the next step, believing that's where I was today.
And yet, here I am. Still in Alabama. So far away from the goals I'd set for myself a few months ago. I thought they were God's goals too. Doesn't God see us through when it's His goal? I never seem to know what God's goal is for me. Has the goal already been made in my coming to Him? Is the goal the continued relationship with Him? Is the goal to finish the race?
To quote a famous artist, this is the story all about how my life's been flipped turned upside down, so I'd like to take a minute just sit right there and I'll tell you how I became disciple of the I AM from up there.
Today marks 1 year of walking with you Christ. Of being saved and dipped in your eternal fountain of life. Of accepting your calling me home to you. It's had its ups and downs, to be sure. I've stumbled majorly, but I've learned some of your ways. Lord, let me not stumble as freely in this next year, but let me freely learn from Your Glory, that I may never stumble in life again, and moments of pause or rearrangement are due to your Greatness, and not my inadequateness.
2. What do you think His purpose was in doing that? What was He trying to teach you?
A few things, I should say. First, I would expect that He was looking to instill in me the understanding that no matter where I am in life, He will always be right there with me, listening to my prayers, so that He may present them to The Father, who will give me strength through the Holy Spirit that I may have nothing to fear.
I believe I was taken here also as a means to learn humility. I was, and to a degree, am a prideful person in certain aspects of my life. I don't believe I'm egotistical or narcississtic, but know that in my past, I walked around perhaps feeling an air of invincibility, or superiority as if I knew something greater than others. Yet I was brought to a place where I was by default set back to start completely over in life, having gotten a minimum wage restaraunt job that was similar to my first job, so many years ago. To be in the lowest position in terms of responsibility, in terms of pay, in terms of self-understanding. I know the Lord has gifted me with many things, and I believe His having me work at Ryan's was to show me that I can find peace anywhere with Him, and enjoy my job, but to know also He has put something greater in me than just a simple position as it was, and He set the desire in my heart to know I long for something more.
Lastly, I believe He brought me here so that I would be able to learn from His way, to not be influenced by places or things or moments I shouldn't have influence from. Granted, as I mentioned above I did some major slipping in the past few months, which contributed greatly to why I am still here, but even in what could be seen as a failure or setback by many, including myself, I am coerced into seeing things from God's angle b/c I think as of right now this moment, had I gone back to California, my trinity (mind/body/spirit) was not ready in God's eyes to do so, and thus, I am here.
When I have made it to the point where God deems it's ready for me to move onto the next step, then that will happen. I cannot force God's hand to move any quicker or slower than He decides. I simply have to learn to adapt and be ready for the moment when it gets here.
To You be the glory, Jesus. Amen
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