Skipping stones through the river of time....

I'm here right now. But I'm not. It's like I'm trapped in a bubble, running around in my thoughts, the bubble is only as big as my room, relatively speaking, and nothing seems to be getting in. Well, wait. Not nothing. Christ. He's trying to get in. Even though He's already inside. Even though I've already invited Him. He's having trouble talking with me because I'm going in circles with myself. Round and round and round and round.

I want to be held by someone right now. I want to feel small in their arms. I want them to tell me I can close my eyes and breathe. I want them to tell me I'm not going to fall apart and shatter when they touch me.

God I can't hold you. I can't look into your eyes. I can't hear you breathing. Or see the blood fill your body with life.

What is this thing within, seeking to torment with malice?

90 Days w/Jesus...Day 53

(action points Luke 10:17-24)

Stop & Consider
"In that same hour He rejoiced in the Holy Spirit and said, 'I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth." (v. 21)

1. Hw much fun is it to see Jesus enthusiastically worshiping with His disciples? How does that square with your view of Him and HIs public demeanor?

Well, it squares perfectly. Jesus knew His status/standing as above all else, but He showed us how to be humble and submit to God through His example of praise and worship. So of course when you hear Jesus rejoicing that things have happened in the power of the Holy Spirit, it shouldn't come as a shock of any sort.

If you think of Jesus, walking around, doing miracles, kicking the enemy's backside, and bringing the Good News of God to all those who could hear, Jesus was both messenger and savior. He just went about His business, doing what He knew needed to be done.

I just watched a movie last night, and there's this quote I remember from it.

"I wasn't high. I wasn't wired. Just clear. I knew what I needed to do and how to do it."

Jesus wasn't a cook. He wasn't some crazy philosopher, spouting nonsense. He IS the Son of God. He knew what He needed to do, and how He needed to do it. And since scripture teaches us, in all things have thanksgiving to the Lord and rejoice, it would have been wrong for Him to have not been happy and enthused at knowing what was needed to be done was getting done.



2. How much a part of your life is worship and spiritual celebrations?

Hmm, well. Almost every day I'd say, I'm praising God for something wonderful He's blessed my life with, through my relationship with Christ. Just yesterday I was praising a friend whom God blessed into the union of marriage. I was blessing and rejoicing another friend whose marriage I will be attending. And I was praising God for the job I'd just been blessed with.

I sometimes sing in the car the praises of the Lord. A song will come on the radio, and I'll take the beat and change out the words to celebrating and rejoicing for God is good and deserving of all praise.

I don't necessarily know how much of my life is worship. I'm not even sure what that word truly means. Yes, there's the definition. But is worship an act? Is it a way of life? Is it both?

Is my worship of God through living in Him and striving to do right by Him, and bringing Him every one of my concerns, thoughts, weaknesses, etc? If that's the case, I could worship better, because there are still times or some things we, as humans, have a hard time letting go of. Yet that doesn't mean I'm not striving for that.

My worship to God consists of moving towards Him every day. Looking to live as He would want me, with His will as my will. I understand I make mistakes. And I understand I can't stop myself from making them. What I can do, though, is make sure that when they happen, I'm giving them over to God, for they're not something I have the power to fix. It is His power that fixes. I've been entrusted with the power of God, but I know that I only go so far, and that sometimes, we don't want to fix those things, yet if we do that, we do a disservice to Him by holding on to that which we know we can't fix, and aren't yet willing to give up.

Focus on coming closer to God, and God will focus on coming closer to you by revealing more of His truth to you through His Son.




*Reflection

We all have things that get us excited. But are they the same things that get Jesus excited? What kind of kingdom celebrations should really jazz our spirits?


For me, I know that I think the most exciting thing I get to celebrate in God's kingdom is seeing Christ save someone. Seeing them recognize in those moments that Christ is calling to them, and that they know in their hearts it is where they should be. There is more beauty in a single person being saved than all the nebulas in the universe.

I rejoice when I know two people have been brought together through God, to be a holy union of His way here on Earth. There's been a lot of that going around as of late amongst my friends, and it fills my heart with warmth to no measurable end, knowing that not only has Christ brought them together, but that they recognize it is through Christ whom which their love for one another lies.

I rejoice when I hear acts of healing or of goodwill towards those who are less fortunate.I rejoice when a friend has a moment of clarity when a Word from God, be it scripture or a message delivered to them through some other means, when that Word clicks in them and they "get it", so to speak. There's nothing like realizing you not only understand the message, but you HEAR it. Let those with eyes see, let those with ears hear.


Praise Jesus indeed. Amen

90 Days w/Jesus...Day 52...

(action points Luke 10:1-16)

Consider "whoever listens to you listens to Me. Whoever rejects you rejects Me. And whoever rejects Me rejects the One who sent Me"(v.16)


1. In what ways do you experience rejection or disapproval because of your relationship with Jesus Christ?

I don't truly know if I've yet to experience that type of disapproval, as most of the people who've been involved in my life as of the last two years have been those who had a positive view of the Lord or were they themselves followers of Christ.

I would say perhaps I may have experienced some forms of rejection from people who are struggling in their life right now, struggling with their placement in knowing and wondering why the things that befall their life do so in the way they do. And sometimes, when talking to those people, I know that I can't just say "yeah, but Jesus loves you."

Don't mistake this with me thinking Jesus cannot do anything at anytime. Think of it more as knowing that I know Jesus doesn't want me to force Him upon anyone, doesn't want me to sit there and say "look,here's the answer, you need to listen." Recently, I've been coming to the conclusion that a lot of the power of Christ comes from Him listening to us, willing to hear all the woes of our heart, allowing us to have the ills of our life be poured out before Him, and He will listen with resoluteness. For if He never listens, and always just instructs, how can He ever learn? All of His knowledge comes from God, and He learned this.

A friend told me in these past few months that when someone comes to them and reveals an issue/problem/point of sadness in their life, the first thing she tells them isn't "Jesus saves," or "God is the answer," or tries to minister to them. She simply says "I'm sorry".

Right now, I just thought of this moment from Apollo 13, when Tom Hanks' Jim Lovell is talking to his little boy about how long it would take to the moon. And the boy asks him if he knew the people in the fire, referring to an incident from early in the space program and how a whole shuttle crew died in a fire because the door wouldn't work.

And when his boy asks about it, you can see on Tom's face that this small event has made his son worry about his father, has clearly impacted his thoughts and life because it was something he knew about. And Tom says "well let me tell you something about that fire. A lot of things went wrong." His lip quivers and he almost catches himself in a moment where he himself will feel emotion, but he powers through it, because right then, he's supposed to be strong for his son.

It's the same way with Christ and man. Christ is strong for us because we are not strong. But not everyone knows Christ, and in that moment when they are hurting and weak, telling them "I'm sorry" is the best approach, in my view, because you are acknowledging their pain, you're letting them know that you're right there for them, willing to listen to all they have to say, without judgement, without forming opinions.

I wish I could tell those people right now in my life, who I know are going through major trials, some who reject God, I wish they could know that I, like I believe Christ is, feels for them. That I may not know what they are going through exactly, but that I understand what it means to them.

But sometimes, they reject Christ. They reject you, because they see you're operating and taking your cues from a different place in your life. This sometimes can lead to a sense of anger or bitterness, a sense of the clouds rolling back in and covering the sunlight up.

My friends, I'm sorry for your pain. I want you to know I am here for you. I listen because Christ listens. I give myself because He gave Himself.

Yet I know not everyone will accept that. To them, Christ, and in some way, I, end up becoming another source of that pain. This, all too often, is the way of the world. And as I know, the way of the world is not the way of the Lord.



2. What are some of the hardest parts of this to deal with? Why is being misunderstood such a normal place for Christians to be?


Lol, I should have looked at both questions before answering them, as I think I pretty much summed this one up in my words above.

We are not of the world. We are not of its ways. We do not conform because we cannot conform. It goes against what we are taught. And so, in knowing this, the enemy uses that to his advantage, and does his best to come at us from any and all angles, attacking our emotions, making it difficult for us to be, frankly, taken seriously.

How I wish things could be easier. How I hope we didn't have to go through this. But if things truly were easier, Christ would have not needed to lie down, because His message would have been accepted and treasured by all.

Instead, when the day of Judgement comes, all will bow, whether they want to or not, when it is (I believe) the wish of the Father for all to bow willingly.




Be the Kingdom. Amen.

90 Days w/Jesus....Day 51

(action points Luke 9:51-56)

Consider- When the disciples James and John saw this, they said, "Lord, do you want us to call down fire from heaven to consume them?" (v.54)

Try to describe spiritual pride in its most awful terms. What does it look like in others? What does it look like in you?

What surprises many people to hear, and what surprised me when I heard it as well, was that during World War II, most members of the Nazi Party we Christians. They believed in God. They believed in Jesus Christ.
And with that belief, they believed as well that what actions they were taking were justified, that they had God's favor upon them.

When we hear of such things, it's almost unbelievable to us. To think a human being could commit such acts, and yet, at the same time, be a believer in Jesus Christ. It was clear they were misguided, but driven by so much pride in Nationalism and belief that they were the long-lost descendants of a 'master race', that there was justification in their minds for all the things they did.

So often, in this country, I hear stories of Christian pride, or Christian Nationalism, even Christian fascism. As a great quote once implied "When Fascism comes to America, it will be be draped in the flag and carrying a cross."

All too often, we hear stories of how brothers and sisters in Christ twist and distort His word, how they mold it or take a single piece of scripture and seek to encompass everything it means to be a follower of Christ from one simple verse. To be sure, that's like you taking my eyeball from me, presenting it to someone, and saying "this is Tim. Either accept that as truth or be lost."

I see pride everyday among Christians who seem to only focus on homosexuality, and wish to eradicate it, wipe it out, make sure all those evil sinners are judged for their wicked ways. Judgement comes from God, and God alone. We, as Christians, have no right to judge anyone's life. We are even told it is a sin for us to make judgements on our fellow men.

The author of this 90 day journal makes a wonderful point-

"Oh, God, give us a longing-not for the sin of this world to be judged-but for the sinners of this world to be forgiven."

Sadly, I don't see much evidence in the country, throughout the Christian faith, in dealing with forgiveness. I see Christians making judgements on anything that doesn't fit their truth.

Problem is, it isn't their truth, no more than it's my truth, or your truth. It is the truth of Christ to be listened to, none other.

I never hear Christians up in arms talking about the adultery problem in this country. By which I mean, the Word instructs us if a man or woman divorces and remarries, they are living in adultery. Yet, I know many Christian men and women who have married, divorced, and re-married, though I never hear preaching in the pulpit about curing these people, or having fundraisers and sit-down meetings to deal with the "re-married" problem.

Christ tells us simply, plainly, and truly. Love the Lord your God, and love your neighbor as yourself, as I have loved you. As the Pastor who's been speaking on the Book of Revelation last week pointed out, I would not wish hell or eternal damnation on the worst of my enemies. To wish, pray, or hope that another soul would forever be separated from God is as far from being a Christian is as the south pole is to the north. Leave the word in the ears of all those who we come in contact with, and God will take care of the rest. If the person hears, they hear. If the person rejects, they reject. It is my obligation to love them still, and pray that they may come to know His ways as I have come to(and am still learning to) know them.

Gauge your heart right now for the lost and unbelieving. What would it take to quicken in you an urgency for sharing Christ and grieving over others' souls?


I sometimes imagine and wonder if God or Christ ever gets impatient and wants to say "screw this. Let them die then." But I know that's just my little human brain trying to find a way to connect with how I think God would think.
I have several friends in my life who I know do not believe in Christ. Not only do some not believe in Him, but some openly hate what He stands for, believing it is Him who is at the root of all their suffering. And it pains my heart and soul to no end to know they willingly reject Christ. I'm not talking about the Christian faith, the words of scripture, or how one should live a life of righteousness.

I'm talking about just talking to Christ. Being willing to say to yourself  "okay. I want to tell you some things. I know you're listening. Can I just talk with you for a moment." Talk to Him. Don't be afraid to tell Him your hate towards Him, your pain and judgements you have against Him.

I hated God. I hated Christ. I hated the very idea that some being, some grand being, could say I was made because I was loved. That there was someone/something up there who was all love, yet I found no love in the world.

But because I actively sought Him, even perhaps without knowing I actively sought Him (I mean come on, I was going to Church, and talking to people, but looking for God? Naaaah not me), and I learned from Him and through Him that if you truly seek Him out, He will find you.


I know there are people who read this blog, who see these words, who hear my thoughts. I am not perfect. I fuck up. I make mistakes. I get things wrong. I sometimes still have problems in believing I can amount to anything, or that I'm a good person.

But I know, at the end of each day, at the beginning of each sunrise, and with each breath I take, Jesus Christ is there, ready to take me in love, ready to share with me the gift I'd been so long-ago given by Him without ever knowing it.

I can't tell you to believe in Jesus. I can't tell you to believe in God. But I can tell you, look for something to believe in. I was looking without even knowing, and Christ showed me that once I believed in Him, there was nothing else I'd never need to seek, nothing else I'd ever need to look for in my life, for He is all that I am, all that I have, and all that I'll ever be.


If you are unsure of God's grace and His power, take my life as an example of His greatness. He measures the span of existence on a thumbnail, and yet I am a greater treasure in His eye than all of that could ever be.


Glory be to Him. Amen

Should probably give an update, based on what the last post talked about

Those days leading up to my decision were some difficult ones. Let's be honest, that whole last week and a half was a difficult one. I didn't have any jobs lined up, I didn't want to stay at Santa Fe, for fear of relapsing into drugs, depression, or any parts of my past life that have no place in my life now.

It's been a hard thing, though it's been told of us how easy it is, to give yourself up and over to God. To trust something so completely, to accept that God is always there for you, always hears your cries, always hears your pains, always looks over you and will never abandon you. What I hope most of you understand is my life for a long time consisted of no trust of anything, most of all myself. In fact, clearly I still have problems with trusting myself, seeing as how I took that job at the first place. Making a decision that ultimately turned out to be the wrong one, but it was my decision, and that showed me, as previously stated, the problem of trusting myself. On this one I deferred to God, because I am not yet strong enough in my walk with him, and it was Him who I had to trust in, in order for things to happen where they are now.

The day after my last post, I called up a job I'd interviewed with the very same day I found out about the Santa Fe job. I'd had a great conversation with my mother, and she reminded me of what our Grandpa used to tell her when you ask for something. "The worst someone can say is no." She told me to call them up, see if they'd be at least willing to listen to me for 10 minutes, if I could explain myself, and what happened. You see, I'd been given a conditional job offer by this company, but it was to wait on a background check; Santa Fe wanted me to start immediately, and so I took their position.

In calling up this new place, Cracker Barrel, I was able to catch the first Manager I interviewed with, a nice woman named Lisa, who was gracious enough to give me a few minutes to talk with her over the phone. She informed me she'd pass along the message to the GM, who wouldn't be in until the next day.

We weren't able to meet until Wednesday, and that morning, I went in, sat down, and have a conversation with him. I simply told him everything that had transpired, the massive amount of hours, the changing of responsibilities, the craziness of the blatant open conversations about drug use, etc., etc. I let him know that I'm in the midst of learning to start my life with God as my center, and that in a place like that, with everything that was going on, along with being accused of stealing, I just couldn't see myself lasting at that job.

I told Micheal that I knew no job offer from him was on the table, as that time had come and passed, but informed him that I wanted to come in and explain everything and let him know why I'd not taken the job that first time. After hearing everything, Micheal gave me another chance.

I was, needless to say, blown away by the grace that was placed before me, and I definitely had feelings of humility at that moment. It was almost unbelievable that I'd gotten the job.

It was at this point my next stop became Santa Fe. What's strange, and I know this may sound funny, is as I walked in to find a manager, I felt like everyone was looking at me. Like eyes were watching me. As if, and I know this is going to sound funny, but it felt as if the enemy's eye was upon me in every glare, every glance that beheld me. But I felt something inside me saying "have no fear". I mean that. It was like I was floating through a dream where each face that gazed on me hid some type of evil, ready to spring forth at a moments' notice. I know this all sounds dramatic and intense, but it truly is what I felt when I went in there. One could perhaps even say the enemy knew I was turning my back on him, taking myself further away from his grasp.

In the book of James, we're told "submit yourselves to God, and the devil will flee." I believe the devil was trying a last ditch effort to get me to want to somehow stay there, and in my submission, he was pissed, like he always is, that I didn't bow to him.


And so, I explained to the Manager there everything that had been going on, and how I'd been informed by one of the people I worked with that they were trying to right their ship. I told him I myself am trying to right my ship, and that means I need to do what's best for me. Please don't get me wrong in what I described above as implying these people I worked with were all a bunch of evil blasphemers or whathaveyou. They are people, just like me. Facing life, just like me. I don't hate any of them, I don't hold any ill-will towards them. But my life in Christ, under God, is where all priority lies. He understood this, and shook my hand, wished me the best.


That day was filled, after that point, with a lot of emotional roller coasters as well. Some things happened that were on pretty much the most opposite sides of the spectrum that you could find, and though they didn't happen to me, they were in my friends' lives, and those people are a part of my life, so what affects them affects me. I am happy to say I was able to take all the things that happened in that day and give thanks to the Lord for everything.

I'm still learning about all this. There are many things the Lord still has to show me. But what I learned most about this experience is that everything that happens in my life, every single thing, should be taken to the Lord.

I used to think things were too small to bother God with. Used to think that you've gotta figure things out all on your own, and that God isn't there. But if you submit, if you are willing to go to Him with anything, He WILL be there for you. Even if you can't feel His presence, even if you think He's not listening, He is there. He is always there.

And He will always love you. Because. He. Is. Love.


Amen.

I shouldn't be lost, but it's where I am right now....

So, last night at work I was accused of stealing.

After the store was closed, and I'd been sweeping/mopping/cleaning the floors for what would have been an hour to hour and a half, I was confronted about this. A manager was standing near a few coworkers and they were talking, and I faintly heard one of them say "what's this?", but wasn't paying attention. I heard it again, but the statement (I didn't think) was directed at me as I was mopping the floor.

Finally, I hear a "Timothy! What is this?" I turn around to find the manager there.....oh wait, let me 'splain the layout. I work in a long rectangular grill/cooking area, with a pickup counter along one whole side, the grills and such on the opposite side. The pickup counter sits in front of the server area where they, yes, pick up food. Glad to know you're following so far. I was sweeping up my section, and the manager along with a coworker or two was in the server pickup area.

...getting back to things, I turn to find the manager there, holding/pointing to a plate on the SERVER side of the counter, that had a steak on it that was half eaten, a few bites gone.

Now, since I've been at this job, I've not had the first meal from this place whatsoever. We work straight through and aren't given a meal break, and I don't eat right before work. ALSO, my character/demeanor has given no such impression that I'm of questionable values or deceptive.

Yet here I am, singled out from management, with no base for accusation, and I'm being asked what this steak is, where'd it come from, etc. etc. It's like if I saw a cigarette butt on the ground and decided to walk over and single out one person accusing them of having smoked it, with ZERO evidence on my end.

So, while I'm being embarassed and accused in front of other co-workers of doing something deceptive, I tell her it looks like a steak that someone ate, and I have no idea why I'm being asked about it, since it's not mine and I was nowhere near it, nor had I been doing anything else for the last 90 minutes but mopping a floor.

I was very angry at this, and am still angry at it because I've been accused of something with no reason nor right to do so. I've even come to find out from a co-worker that the other day a manager just straight came at them and asked if they were stealing, again, with no provocation, evidence, or reason.

As I've written to friends or spoken about lately, I've only been at this job for one official week. And each night I've come home, it's been after 12, closer to 1, I've either cried, had some tears, or simply felt defeated. I realized today there was an online bible journal I was doing that started right before I started this job, yet I just now forgot it was there, because I've been so exhausted and unable to find the life in me to want to do anything.

To top things off about last night, AFTER I'd cleaned for nearly 2 hours and 20 minutes, I had the same manager walk around and tell me I was supposed to do x, y, and z. but because I'm new, I wouldn't be knocked much about it.

The only problem is, I've not done those things one single time since I've been there, because those things were held responsible by another worker, someone who's job is different than mine, therefore they have different duties. But as it turns out, what's happened is they've scheduled so many people for overtime, and are getting told to cut down hours, that they sent said person home at a cutoff point, and then looked to lay those cleaning responsibilities on me, without telling me, informing me, or asking if I'd do them. And yet, there I was, being chastised and broken down and being "talked to" about the things I need to take care of and improve on.

I've given everything to this job, in a single week I've been more exhausted than I ever have before, and that's including those times when I was in shape or working construction. I come home with zero energy, zero feelings of goodness, joy, or happiness inside, and am mentally breaking down from the amount of stress that's been forced upon me. And I've never worked as hard, been so depressed/angry/upset/embarassed at job such as I have with this place.

There is only so much a person can take before they breakdown. And I'm afraid that moment will come at any given time in the next few days....



.....in other, unrelated news, my love(or lack thereof) life. I made a vow to God to be celibate recently, within the last month or two. Now, while it's true no one is beating down my door to begin with, there's something I've come to realize about this, and perhaps even myself.

I don't believe I can ever be with a woman, or even have a child of my own, and the reasoning is simple-I would love that woman, or those children, more than I would my Lord. It's a truth, and a painful one at that, but it's the honest truth. I believe if I fell in love with a woman, or had my own child, they would be my utmost priority of all things, even beyond the prayer and faithful devotion I know that I would be rightfully responsible for.

There was a moment during a movie or tv show I've seen in the last few days that sparked this trail of thought in my mind. I can never love God and another human companion or my own child at the same time, because the physical "reality" of the person and the manifestation of love I would be able to give and "see" given back to me, it would keep me from the Lord, and would serve as two masters in my life.


What's more is, just like my drug use in my past, I don't think I could know this truly without having 'loved' those women in my past. I use the quote marks since no love is supposed to exist outside of Christ, but what I had was the closest thing to love I know.

And that love for me, those loves in my past, I can never have that type of love again.


Everyone says 'be strong, Tim. You are with the Lord, and the Lord is with you', as if I'm not strong right now.

I have news, guys and dolls.

Sometimes, especially for me, being strong is showing my weaknesses and failures. In my past, I would have kept all these feelings and emotions from ever touching the surface, believing that was strength.


Right now I'm as strong as I can be.....and that's because in this moment, I'm at a heavy weak point in my life.






God, where are you?

Feelings on my first day...

So, I started my first official day today as Saturday was just orientation and filling out paperwork. I'd expected tonight to be somewhat slow as it's the 4th of July and most people would probably be out celebrating with families and watching fireworks displays.

I started off in the kitchen area, assembly area, where most of the food is prepped/cooked. It's on a line of about 20 feet, so there's a few different sections, with a few different employees working each section (i.e. cook, fry cook, etc.). The guys I worked with were friendly and funny, and the servers were also friendly as well, though the interaction was less between them.

But, with all that being said, there were a few things that made me feel uneasy, one moreso than the other. First, most of the staff used a decent amount of swearing. I don't mean just a shit or damnit or the like, but more like the F-bombs and like-minded words. What's worse is I found myself also dropping the f-bombs or like-minded words when joking around or talking, and I didn't like that. It's not how I speak anymore, and it's so easy to fall into when things are busy and everyone else is letting the language fly, that sometimes I tend to just not pay attention to myself and revert back to the old Tim.

The second, and more immediate issue, is how I felt treated with regards to a manager. From how it's been explained to me, there are 4 or 5 managers at this location. 2 for the kitchen/Back of House, one for the Servers/Front of House, one overall manager, and one general manager. The issue lies with the front of house manager.

You see, when I first went in a few weeks ago to pick up an application, as I was told they were hiring for everything, this was the manager who first met me, as they are the FOH manager. I can't say we really interviewed, but I can say we spoke for maybe less than 4 minutes. During that time, she'd informed me that I was too overqualified, adding that this is the slow season, and there wouldn't be many hours to begin with.

With respect, when you have someone who is the first person a potential employee would be meeting, when your company is advertising they are hiring, it doesn't exactly give a warm and welcome vibe when you're basically told you're too good to work for us, and we don't really have that many hours to give, and it's going to be really slow. I've hired individuals before, many times, and never would I look to tell someone who came in looking for a job that even though they know I'm offering, I'm gonna do everything I can to undersell that fact. It was as if  they were attempting to say "I'm not interested in you". So with that, I'd dropped off my application and resume.

Around a week later, I'd called to speak with this manager again, as theirs was the only name I knew at the time. When we spoke, I was informed that I wasn't being considered for server, but that my application had been given to the BOH/kitchen manager to review. Even though I'd informed this manager that I'd had the least amount of experience as a cook, and more experience in every other position. This should have been my second clue that this person was not interested in hiring me.

A few days after that, I'd finally managed to get the BOH manager on the phone, and they'd agreed to interview me. However; when we met, and I introduced myself, they informed me they'd never heard from me nor did they remember getting my application and resume. So we interviewed, and I was told it would be passed on the GM for a second interview, whereupon I was hired by the GM.

Today, being my first official full day, as I was picking up a work shirt so I could change, the original manager who I felt was not interested in me whatsoever saw me and had this look of.....I dunno, I can't explain the look really. But you know what I mean when a person has that look on their face like "oh. you're here." or something similar? That was the look I'd felt from this manager.

Flash forward to the shift. I was enjoying the new coworkers I'd had, who were all in the kitchen on the line, and they were showing me things, explaining what to do and not to do, explaining how to make this that et cetera. Things were going fine.

Now, as it happens, we started getting heavy rainfall tonight, so there was a decent crowd of people who showed up and so things got hectic and busy. Because there was so much involved in the prep process, from checking the ticket, to making sure it's american and not provolone, or things of that like, the person who was training me was fine with me sort of standing back, watching how the process works when they're busy, and was having me take care of little things here and there when I was asked to.

As I said, we had gotten our rush, and were running behind on plate times (from the time the ticket comes in to the plate going out) by around 7-10 minutes. To have a trainee set on a line when you're running 10 minutes behind and double checking them would have led to an even greater slow down. So, at this point, here comes the FOH/server manager (who is in charge of the servers and not the kitchen), comes over to the person training me and says, with a really condescending demeanor "I just don't see how Tim's going to learn anything by standing there."

Prior to that statement, the trainer and I had talked about what it's like to work there, how we got the job, who's friendly and whathaveyou. I told them how my application process seemed to take a while, and they knew exactly how I felt, and had said it taken them a while too. But, when the FOH came up to them and made that comment, they turned around, and in a half-joking, half-serious manner said "you're not the kitchen manager and not in charge of how I train him. This isn't even your section. We got busy and I told Tim to stand back for a while and just help with the small stuff, but observe what we're all doing at the same time. Besides, you only seem to come by and notice Tim standing right after he's actually done something for me." All of this was said in the semi-relaxed, loud witty banter manner that you find in a kitchen, but the point was made and made rightly-the FOH is in charge of the servers, NOT of the kitchen.

The best way I can liken it is if I work in a construction company, I may be an engineering supervisor and may hold a higher title and know policies and procedures, but it's not any of my concern nor my repsonsibility to go check up on the construction department and seeing how they are training the installers. While the FOH is indeed a manager, and would by default be a superior, they are not immediately responsible for the goings-on of a department that is not theirs. Also, considering the fact that there was not only a trainer training me, but the 2nd kitchen manager was on shift, on the grill, next to me, and had not a single moment of issue with my observing how things are and helping when needed. So what prerogitive did it serve to have such a perjorative manner with me?

No less than I'd say 10, maaaybe 15 minutes went by, when the FOH manager hollered to my trainer that I could go. As I was walking towards the timeclock to punch-out, the FOH is standing there, and with basically what I can only describe as a stone face of emotion says "so when are you coming back?", really condescendingly. I politely told them I was only informed to show up today at 4, and had no idea when I was supposed to be back. It was at that time the manager, not the gm, but the manager, said to come back tomorrow at 4.


I enjoyed everything about the job today and felt like I could do it, and have fun with it, if I was given a good solid week of training, and not just dropped into something. I believe that I have capable people who are willing to train me, and I get along with them well. Yet it was this single person, who holds a position of power over me, that left me feeling upset inside, along with feelings of unwelcomeness and the potential for my being singled out about anything, regardless of what that thing may be.

Y'know, I'd been offered a position at Cracker Barrel, which would have paid more as well, all pending a background check. I was offered this position background check free, and just told to come in the next day and that I was hired. I didn't want to jump at the Cracker Barrel job, for fear of just going after the dollar, and serving the master of money instead of working a position that I would enjoy, where I could grow and be fruitful.

And while Santa Fe may seem to fit my personality so well, part of me wonders if it's the personality or person from my past it fits so well, and not the person who I am now. I believed that maybe the Cracker Barrel job wasn't where I was supposed to be, and Santa Fe was, due to the seeming enthusiasm from the GM when they interviewed me and gave me the feeling of being appreciated and welcomed.

Yet here I am now, the end of my first day of work, with what was supposed to be a happy and fun experience, and I feel sad inside. I will pray again to Father tonight about the situation, and ask Him to take such feelings of anxiety, fear, an apprehension from my heart, as I prayed to Him on the way home.

But I cannot ignore my feelings. For so long, it's all I did. Deny what I felt inside and look for the easy way out or ignoring those feelings. God has graced my heart to know I can come to Him with anything, and so this really is something I lay at His feet.

So many times, have I always said "welp, right now, this moment, this place, this experience, this emotion. this is exactly where you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to be, and how you are supposed to be", and I accepted that logic. Yet, I've come to realize that not everything in our lives are what God chose for us, are the paths He laid out beneath us so that we may walk in His ways.


All I'm left feeling tonight, right now, is this honest emotion-God, did I make a mistake, and choose from myself or from you?

15 days later...

and the previous 2 or 3 posts feel ancient.....will be writing again tomorrow.....




Be the Kingdom....

I have been given life, yet I do not live....

3 decades spent with pain and sadness
running through a life driven crazy by madness
why can't I escape these demons and flee?
is there no port of hope of safe haven for me?

i walk through these lands these shadows of death
i've been rescued by you by not from myself
tear-dropping moments where I can't raise from my bed
praying tonight is the night when I wake up to be dead

wandering though Eden from choices I cannot escape
dice rolled eons ago eternally sealing my fate
having been willed to the point of finally getting to here
only to be told you're the one I should fear

fearfully and wonderfully have we all been made
but never given a choice in the game to be played
you deal out justice and mercy while sitting high atop your throne
actions and thoughts imprinted within us but never condoned

I fought for myself when no one was with me
now I can fight for you....if only I submit to thee
if it's better to live on your feet than die on our knees
instead of weighing out judgments couldn't you have just said 'please'?

we were given your Son the way truth and life
what need does God have of family be it your groom to our wife?
in the end we are given a choice echoed straight to the heart
but what about those souls who were ended....before they even got to the start?

in your wisdom & through your divine grace
you deemed me worthy of position to run in your race
and yet here I am now not knowing where or what or how to run
please tell me my race isn't over before it's begun

I think God is wanting me to write this...

And I think He wants me to talk about my years when I was a drug addict.

I don't necessarily think he wants me to talk about the early years, when I was just playing around with smoking weed. Not because it's not significant, but because thos early years, when I was in 'control' of my life, things weren't bad.

But I think He wants me to focus on the time leading up to my DUI and then the subsequent years after....

I'd been working at West Coast, and I was certainly deteriorating without acknowledging it. I must have been making around 8-900 a week there, and yet, every two weeks, I was literally putting my checks into my account just to cover overdraft fees. I was always broke, and was smoking weed a lot lot more right before I'd left. I was even getting high at work, or worse, while I was out and about driving to city halls. My car was my office. I was a functional stoner. I could smoke and go do my permit pulling or site checking, and all was well.

When I'd left West Coast, around a month and a half later was when I'd had my DUI. It in itself is a long story, suffice to say I was at a Casino in Palm Springs, was going to a concert, and had loaded up on alcohol while there, as I'd figured I would be sweating out most of the booze while bouncing around to the music. I can't remember how many drinks I'd had that night, and while I've always maintained I had at most 4-5 mixed doubles, I think in my heart I know that I probably drank more than that.

What no one knows after my being kicked out the concert was that I was looking forward to going home and smoking the weed that I'd left there. I suppose perhaps God did a few things that night while I drove home.

He made sure I didn't hurt or kill anyone.
He made sure I didn't hurt or kill myself.
He made sure I left my weed at home as to probably avoid real jail time.
He made sure the cops arrested me.


I can remember the jailcell. How small, lifeless, shamful it felt in side. No prison bars. Just giant plexiglass and a cold painted concrete slab.

I remember sitting there, indian-style, trying to clear my mind, trying to meditate. When that wasn't working, I tried talking to God.

I sat there on the floor of a jailcell, bawling my eyes out, begging Him to save my life. Promising Him I'd do anything for Him. I'd stop taking drugs. I'd stop drinking. I promise God. I promise God. I promise God.

And I've come to realize in my life, whenever I seem to make God a promise or vow (which I've come to find out God says if you make one, ya better fuckin do it, or just shut your mouth and don't make it, b/c it's worse to make and break than it is not to make at all), whenever I've told Him the "I'll do this if You do this" type of thing, that's usually when the enemy gets louder in my ear, and when I usually tend to turn the wrong way and go spiraling down again.

Granted, at that particular time, I was not Christian, I was not a person who believed in Christ or the Holy Spirit or the Lord. I hated religion and faith and all it stood for, and yet there I was, hoping to square a deal away with God.

Then things got worse.

I started taking ecstasy. I started taking mushrooms. I started taking LSD. I was even branching out into salvia. And the weed was ever present. Oh was it present.

I remember trying to fight at times, trying to stop, only to fail miserably. I remember scouring the shaggy carpet in my living room, on my knees in the middle of the night, searching for tiny bits of marijuana. I remember going out to my trash and digging through what must have been bags upon bags of filthy garbage to look and see if any of the roaches I'd thrown away weeks before happened to get wrapped tight enough in the plastic.

There's a movie on right now called 'Crazy Heart' with Jeff Bridges, about an aging country star who's was an alcoholic, and was losing his battle, until finally something happened in the film where he had to change his ways. Now, months ago, when I first saw it, I believe God showed it to me to lay peace on my heart in relation to the past relationship I had with my ex.

But there's a scene in it where he's on the phone talking to someone, and has to drop the phone because he runs to the bathroom to throw up. He barely makes it and is on the bathroom floor, heaving and puking, and you can hear the pain in his body, the exhaustion that's taking the toll on him. It's as emotionally impactful to me tonight as it was when I first saw it, and it reminded me of the past.

It reminded me of those nights when I'd throw back 3-5 tabs of x, and would be fighting my body in the comedown heaves, my teeth grinding into my brain. It reminded me of when I would smoke so much weed because I'd built up such a tolerance that I'd literally fall out of my chair and would need to crawl to the bathroom to throw up. And that's if I could make it to the bathroom. Most times I'd not even be able to pick my head up off the floor, holding on to the ground, so that I wouldn't fall apart. And I remember those times I did make it. Shaking uncontrollably down on my knees, snot and vomit coming out of my face, my eyes soaking wet with tears, and my body aching from the sweat dripping off my body........until I would get done puking and then crawl back out to the living room to do more drugs.

The allure of drugs controlled me. They formed every aspect of my life. When can I get high, where will it be, how long can I do it, how much will I have, when can I get some more. I was, at certain points, spending every cent I could get my hands on buying drugs, and going the jim morrison route, literally. I thought if I ate nothing but oranges I'd be fine, and still have my drugs. When you smoke out, days can pass and you don't worry about the hunger if you just lay back and let it take you.


All of this happened AFTER I'd promised God to save my life in that prison cell. To not let me go to jail, to not let the 'freedom' I'd had be taken away.

And all this happened right before the Dallas Mavericks & Miami Heat went to the NBA finals. Because I'd just had my DUI, and was deep in my drugs and not employed, I had nothing to do but watch tv, and the basketball finals had just started.

Dallas was supposed to win. They had one of the best records in the NBA ever. They were up 2-0, gonna be up 3-0. Then Dirk missed 2 free-throws with around 5 minutes left, and Miami came back to win the entire series.

Why is a basketball game significant to this story?

Because I think God is running full circle with me on His word, because I believe He's erased drugs from my being. I can't even truly say the temptation is there, because temptation is one of those things where you say to yourself "well, if I had an extra 20, which I do, I could go pick up some weed and smoke it." And yet, here I am now, knowing that if I had the extra money, I'd have no desire whatsoever to take drugs. My mind doesn't "go there" first anymore. Or even second. Or third for that matter. It's just not there.


Dallas lost that series years ago when I was a drug addict who would turn into an even deeper, more expansive user. And I remember feeling like their loss was a result of my breaking my word to God, because I'd kept taking all those drugs. I'm not saying it's true or that was a bi-product of things, but I remember always feeling a distinct corrolation between the world I lived in the events that happened in the world. If I was up, it was up. If I was down, it was down, etc. etc.

I was a drug addict. It was a dark part of my life. It didn't have to happen the way it did, but it did, because I thought I was the one in control of everything. How wrong I was.

Here I am now though.

5 years later.

I believe in Christ.

He has taken the sin of drugs and wiped it from me, because He is God, and I asked Him to.

And Dallas just may win.


All glory & praise be to Him. Amen.

Been having trouble the last few days...

with being able to sleep.

with being able to get my blog going. I keep having the feeling that when I do the 90 day entries, I'm not giving them enough thought or depth or connecting with them enough.

been feeling really lonely, outside of God. Like incredibly lonely. But like Saul with his Christian murdering before he was converted, I figure relationships with women were something that could only exist outside of God when I was a sinner, and now that I'm His, no more physical love.

been having trouble letting some emotions go lately as well. I don't like the feeling of having to change how I speak or feel like I have to triple-check my words less they be misinterpreted when I talk to some people, especially when those people make me feel as though they speak from a position of zery fault/responsibility/ownage for their own words. And this really not so much frutrates or angers me as much as it hurts me. I don't run into these issues with other people, so either all the other people give me a pass, or I'm just simply held to some different internal standard in this person's mind, and every word I say is never the right word. I have taken great strides in making sure I don't talk out of my ass, or look to be the brash crass in your face old me, but I will not be made to feel as though I have to change who I am or conform or pull back or w/e you want to call it when I speak with them....


been accepting the fact that I more than likely will not be making it to my friends Scott & Katies' wedding. This really makes me sad because of the failures on my part that took place in the past six months. I won't be there because of my own mistakes, and I cannot bring myself to be dependant upon anyone for a way there.


The only thing I've really found joy in lately is Jesus. Just Him. I have my daily moments where I fuck up, but I have been able to make sure I am more aware of being obedient to Him, or submitting to Him, in the sense of praying more, talking openly, etc. etc.

I still feel like I'm being ignored by Him & God. I don't mean like they aren't paying attention. Just more like everything I say or ask for is falling on deaf ears. Sure, I know that's not true and He hears everything, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel these things inside.

Really hoping i can find work soon. Have been putting more effort into this, and am hitting more places again tomorrow.


It hurts inside, to feel like I'm nothing but a giant child who can't even tie his own shoes.  When the day comes, I'm gonna ask God just why exactly he made my mind the way it is. It seems that there's always a cloud of inner torment and self-depreciation, no matter what the aspect.



To Him be the glory, praise & honor, forever.

90 Days w/Jesus....Day 50

(action points Luke 9:46-48)

1. Is it a good thing or a bad thing to have the desire for greatness in us? Should we be suspicious of its mere presence?

Not at all. Our desire for greatness, in a similar sense, is the same as our desire for pleasure. Both pleasure and greatness come from the Lord. Now, while it's evident both terms represent a large spectrum of possibilities, it's only when we deviate from the Lord and seek pleasure or greatness for it's own sake, or, worse, for our sake.

The Lord has put it in us to be His messengers, his followers, his leaders. A desire to achieve much is a healthy desire in the eyes of the Lord, but again, only if such achievements are for Him.

I know I've mentioned this Indiana Jones scene in many previous entries, but I think it makes perfect sense here.

When the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword (the Arab freedom fighters) become engaged with Indy, but eventually realize they're on the same side, one of the lead members says to him-

"Ask yourself, why do you seek the cup of Christ? Is it for His glory? Or for yours?"

My desire to do greatness must only come from my desire to be used to my absoluteness in the Kingdom of Heaven by the Lord. The Luke passages conveys Jesus' own words when He says "the least among you will be the greatest", and my personal belief or understanding is the Lord is stating that those willing to give up all the earthly, kingly titles, the pleasures and joys of the world, and are willing to work in full cohesion with God, those will be ones who are probably given much responsibility in His Kingdom.

With all that being said, should we be suspicious anytime we feel the call to do something wonderful? Of course not. We should look at the stirrings of feelings. Why are they there? Where did they come from? Are they something I myself would normally think about, or is it something from God? The enemy offered Jesus the whole world, showing Him all the inhabitants, all who would bow down before Him, if only He knelt to satan. And because Jesus understood this temptation, that no great thing can be offered outside of God, He rejected it's falsehood.



2. Why does it not seem to be enough for us to achieve success unless we're outdistancing someone else's success?

Well, for one thing, America is the best! Everyone else is shit! Make your fortune here, make sure you're on top, make sure you have no one else above you.

Heck, I'm in an ongoing thread right now about which comic film was greater-Thor or X-Men:First Class. The people involved are using all kinds of proven movietific methods like power of the f/x, strength of script, acting ability, etc., etc. And each of us, though we have no physical ties to the film, it's makers, or stars, feel as though if our film isn't accepted as the greatest, or the more successful of the two, we feel as though somehow a part of ourselves is sold short. That somehow, what we believe in, that it's juuuust not up to snuff to the next guy.

This world has one direction-forward. But the speed at which we're moving, you're only as valuable as the the demand for what you do. If you sustain, level out, don't advance, you're seen as behind the times. You're seen as uninformed, as just a little lacking in current information.

It used to be AOL. then, people were using Yahoo Messenger. Then MySpace came. Now Facebook. It's all about who can provide more of what, even if what they're providing isn't something I necessarily need.

And yet, there's not a single thing we can do in God's eyes that will make us any better than we are. He loves us ABSOLUTELY the same, whether I am the most sinful of sinners, or the most holy of holies. I cannot make, do, or say anything to be loved more by God, the same way I cannot make, do, or say anything to be any less loved by God. God's ways are not our ways. He sees what we do not see.


To Him be the glory, all the praise, all the honor. Amen

90 Days w/Jesus....Day 49

(action points Mark 9:19-29)


1. Few of us would be so bold as to ask Christ to His face "if" He was able to do something. But how do we say the same thing to Him with our actions and attitudes?

First, it's not a matter of boldness that the man in the story asks Christ "if" He can do something. It's born out of what I consider to be a joint union of subconscious arrogance and human feebleness. Jesus instructs the man He can do anything if he will have faith, and the man asks for his faith to be re-affirmed, so that he may overcome his disbelief.

I never think Jesus cares about me. Sure, He loves me in that whole "God loves you so I love you because it pleases God" type of way, but I have friends and family who can love a person and not care much about them or their goings-on. I think a lot of my prayers to God end up being 'ifs' of some sort. If your will be done Lord, let this happen, If it's what you desire blah blah fucking blah.

Right now, I wanna know if God can show me what I'm supposed to do in the next step of my life. But God never answers me on my terms, my way, my understanding. I mean it. I just don't get answers from Him. It's like God has set me down in my own little glass ecosystem, and stepped back to see what I'd do. Well, God, I have no fucking idea what direction I'm supposed to go in. So IF you can, I'd be thankful IF you would give me some sort of sign, instead of playing a game of thumb up your butt while Tim struggles to know You.

That answer probably didn't answer the question. Fuck it. Right now I don't care.



2. What do you think Jesus does with our "if you can" questions?

Gets angry at our belief He can't. What the fuck does it matter what He does with those questions? The probably get tossed in the non-existent recycle bin, while He looks over he 'real' prayers. You know, the pure pure of heart ones that we ourselves aren't even praying, but that it's Him who's doing it for us. My 'if you can' questions are probably somewhat blasphemous, because it doubts His power. But w/e.






*reflection

What do you need His help believing Him for today?


Faith. Happiness. Stronger belief. Shedding of anger. Shedding of doubt. Shedding of the urge that is burning upon my chest right now of wanting beat something to exhaustion.

So God. I know You can. Do something miraculous before my eyes. It doesn't even have to be related to me in any way. Just make something happen that helps re-affirm my faith.


And if you can't, well, it's because you won't. So I'll stay in the mindset Im at. But hey, you let a boy fall under demons for 12 years before you helped Him. Why should I expect anything from you in this upcoming future?



If you can, answer THAT. Amen

90 Days w/Jesus....Day 48

(action points Mark 9:14-18)

1.When you find yourself unable to accomplish much-spiritually speaking-what do you identify as the usual suspects, the usual reasons why?

For myself, it would be matters of the flesh and consumption of the everyday thoughts of the world. Too often, I've found myself laying out the plans for what it is I'm going to do, instead of bringing those plans to God and praying about it. Real prayer, not just "hey God, this is what I'm thinking of, and I wanted to let you know where I stand." As if my stance on the subject was what God needs to take into consideration when making decisions in my life.

With my flesh, it tends to be my physical attributes that I start focusing on, just as I focus on the issues of the world, and when my focus is drawn to those things, my power is seemingly drawn to those things as well, and my 'connection' if you will to the Lord becomes somewhat fragmented. It doesn't mean I'm picking up morse code or strange vibrations from above. It simply means that the moment I take my eyes off God, well, I've taken my eyes off God. Every little thing He does is magic. And every moment I have should be a conscious act of submission to God's will.

But since He made us in His image, and gave us the option to choose, we become enamored in the things we believe can make the difference in our lives, and not Him, and it leads to a form of idolatry. I would say, in fact, most people's crime today is that they commit the sin of self-idolatry. The world we live in is moving so fast now, it's allowing us to do, say, be, protest, act upon, follow, lead, stand alone from, anything and everything in the world.

I look at my computer. I can go play on the internet right now, and stop journaling about God, and it would be a prime example of what sometimes happens to people. We just become sort of 'zoned out' to all things God, and let ourselves become pre-occupied with the most miniscule of things.

Or, I've also sometimes let my spiritual growth be hampered by the people around me. Wanting to fit in, wanting to feel a part of something, letting yourself get into situations you know you shouldn't be in, hearing those bells go off in your head somewhere, but not loud enough to stop you. Saying things you know you'd normally think about saying, instead of flying off the cuff to impress someone. I found this happened to me a lot at my previous job. I'd allow the swirl of drama that took place around me to dictate the way I would act & react, and the results were not favorable.

Ultimately, like I mentioned above, when we take our focus off God, that's exactly what happens.



2.If you could be as victorious and consistent as you'd like to be, what would you most likely want to accomplish for the Kingdom?

See, this question throws me a bit. It almost has a sense of pride to it, in saying, if I could choose what I got to do in Heaven, what would I pick? And yet God has shown us time and again that the ways of man are not His ways, so any answer I give right now, I almost feel as though I'd be committing a sin against the Lord in saying this is what I'd do.

I was almost going to write that this is a hypothetical situation, but in doing so, I completely negate the entire biblical passage I just read and the reason for the exercise. Christ has already claimed victory in me, and so what I'd most likely wish to accomplish for the Lord's Kingdom is doing His will with my every waking breath. My goal, personally, I believe, is to love God so much that I stop wondering where He ends and I begin. I would hope in my growth with Him I would be tasked and used to such an end that if a person were to hear the testimony of how He called my life back to Him, that perhaps they would be gifted with the same internal emotional stirrings that were put upon my heart and soul .

In the end, is there really anything more we can hope to accomplish than loving Christ so much we simply cease to recognize ourselves, and only see Him in us? John Eldridge once said -

'The Glory of God is man fully alive'

And the only way a man could ever hope to be fully alive is fully surrendered and fully obedient.

So far, Jesus is the only one who did both to my knowledge.

What an awesome example to mold oneself from.





Be the Kingdom :D

90 Days w/Jesus....Day 47

(action points Mark 7:31-36)

1. Has the Lord ever rearranged your surroundings on you, taken you away from where you've been? A move? A new job? Circumstances you didn't ask for?

Most recognizeable in this question for me would be His having my life moved from California to Alabama. In fact, today, I was supposed to be rolling back into California, having spent a few days driving cross country, setting myself up to take the next step, believing that's where I was today.

And yet, here I am. Still in Alabama. So far away from the goals I'd set for myself a few months ago. I thought they were God's goals too. Doesn't God see us through when it's His goal? I never seem to know what God's goal is for me. Has the goal already been made in my coming to Him? Is the goal the continued relationship with Him? Is the goal to finish the race?

To quote a famous artist, this is the story all about how my life's been flipped turned upside down, so I'd like to take a minute just sit right there and I'll tell you how I became disciple of the I AM from up there.

Today marks 1 year of walking with you Christ. Of being saved and dipped in your eternal fountain of life. Of accepting your calling me home to you. It's had its ups and downs, to be sure. I've stumbled majorly, but I've learned some of your ways. Lord, let me not stumble as freely in this next year, but let me freely learn from Your Glory, that I may never stumble in life again, and moments of pause or rearrangement are due to your Greatness, and not my inadequateness.


2. What do you think His purpose was in doing that? What was He trying to teach you?

A few things, I should say. First, I would expect that He was looking to instill in me the understanding that no matter where I am in life, He will always be right there with me, listening to my prayers, so that He may present them to The Father, who will give me strength through the Holy Spirit that I may have nothing to fear.

I believe I was taken here also as a means to learn humility. I was, and to a degree, am a prideful person in certain aspects of my life. I don't believe I'm egotistical or narcississtic, but know that in my past, I walked around perhaps feeling an air of invincibility, or superiority as if I knew something greater than others. Yet I was brought to a place where I was by default set back to start completely over in life, having gotten a minimum wage restaraunt job that was similar to my first job, so many years ago. To be in the lowest position in terms of responsibility, in terms of pay, in terms of self-understanding. I know the Lord has gifted me with many things, and I believe His having me work at Ryan's was to show me that I can find peace anywhere with Him, and enjoy my job, but to know also He has put something greater in me than just a simple position as it was, and He set the desire in my heart to know I long for something more.

Lastly, I believe He brought me here so that I would be able to learn from His way, to not be influenced by places or things or moments I shouldn't have influence from. Granted, as I mentioned above I did some major slipping in the past few months, which contributed greatly to why I am still here, but even in what could be seen as a failure or setback by many, including myself, I am coerced into seeing things from God's angle b/c I think as of right now this moment, had I gone back to California, my trinity (mind/body/spirit) was not ready in God's eyes to do so, and thus, I am here.

When I have made it to the point where God deems it's ready for me to move onto the next step, then that will happen. I cannot force God's hand to move any quicker or slower than He decides. I simply have to learn to adapt and be ready for the moment when it gets here.



To You be the glory, Jesus. Amen

90 Days w/Jesus....Day 46

(action points Colossians 2:1-7)

STOP & CONSIDER "I want their hearts to be encouraged and joined together in love, so that they may have all the riches of assured understanding, and have the knowledge of God's mystery-Christ"(v.2)

1. What are some of the things you absolutely know about Christ?

I know Chist IS. If God is the eternal I AM, Christ IS. Yeah, I know, clever play on words. Yet it is the very truth of truths. Jesus IS. Love. Patience. Kindness. Perseverence. Hope. Faith. Truth. Light. How else can I describe with absolution what I know of Christ, if not the words themselves and all the encompass? Jesus IS the Living Word of God. He is God fully recognized and reciprocated(sp).

I was watching the film 'Wedding Crashers' last night on tv, and one of the characters said "true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another'. Jesus IS the one true love. He IS the only love that you could ever hope to love from. He IS both the point AND counterpoint, as He IS the very love we seek, and the very love we look to give, yet we can only hope to do such a thing when we submit in obedience of the simple yet profound truth that the love we have stems from the love HE gives us. I cannot love Jesus outside of accepting Jesus as HE IS, which is the one true love. All else are illusions of love, shadows and watered-down copies of what the original, the first, the last, the beginning, the end IS, and that IS love.

I know Jesus to be just and fair. I need look no further than His teachings during His encounter with the padulterous, whom the crowds wished to stone to death. Jesus, being awesomely simple as HE IS, draws a line in the sand and says let He who is without sin cast the first stone. In essence, Jesus was saying "because I know who is right, who is wrong, and who is without sin, I am the only one capable of administering justice here."

And what did He do? After the crowds heard this and realized they were all up crustycreek without a paddle, and started walking off, He presented the woman with a question, asking where her condemners were. When she said no one has condemned her, HE freed her of her sin. In their piousness of hoping to show that they knew what true authoirty was, what true justice was, Jesus, showing just how much higher a plane He thinks from than we do, demonstrated absolutel authority, justice, and righteousness in dealing with the woman.

Jesus IS the way, the truth, the life. I know that once my life on this Earth ends, I will stand next to Him/beside Him/behind Him, justified before the Lord, for the simple fact that I believe this with all my heart, soul, and being. You cannot torture me enough to disbelieve in my Lord. All pain and suffering I suffer in Him, with Him, and for Him. If the world isn't persecuting me in some way, chances are I'm not being very faithful...regardless, all things above I state with absolution-I KNOW Jesus to be these things.


2. But what are some things about Him that are still shrouded in "mystery"?

Well.....everything else. Ha! No, really, there's still so much about Him that I don't know, that I do my best not to concern myself with. Does Jesus like Coke or Pepsi? Is he a steak, fish, or pork man? Boxers, briefs, or commando? I do my best not to keep myself up at night with ponderances such as these.

However, I think the things that will still remain in mystery to us are just how extensive His giftings are, just how deep His truths are. I mean, Jesus made everything.....actually, right here is a question I present to God-I read your word, seeking to learn wisdom and understanding from your truth. Yet when I read Genesis or Exodus, I read You, Lord, as Creator. Jesus is almost an afterthought to me when I read the early books of Your History. Yet I know I am distinctly told by You that Jesus made/designed/chose everything. I understand the 'begottonness' of Jesus in relation, but this is a question that has worn itself upon my brow on more than one ocassion. . .and here I am, writing about the mysteries of Jesus.

Lord, may you guide my heart & soul to understanding those things which I could understand, and not those things that leave me grasping at empty straws. Make my faith firm, strong, rooted deep within your tree, O Lord, and let me know seek to branch out on my own, for I will surely be burned away in the chaffe. May the only reason they remain mysterious to me be due to them not having consequence upon my life, and let any reveleations be pulled back at your discretion, and not because of my own selfish reasons.


In Your name I pray, now and forever......amen

90 Days w/Jesus....Days 44 & 45

note-I fell behind two days so I'm catching up on these two. Entries will return to normal after this

(action points Luke 9:23-27)


1. What are some of the 'daily' things in your life that need to be denied-over and over again-if you're going to be able to follow Christ.


Depression, Doubt, Drugs, Pornography. I could say anger, but Christ says it's okay to be angry (from what I've understood), but it's not okay to let that anger be taken out on someone. In essence, the moment I get pissed at someone because of my bad day, I've stolen their expectation of trust in me, and stealing is a sin. My depression, I don't even truly think I have depression anymore, I just used to suffer from a massive case of LWS, better known as "Life Without Jesus", and as such, was always feeling down, dumpy, grumpy, and lumpy. So I suppose I should reframe my statement and say depression isn't as much a factor anymore, as is doubt. Doubt simply keeps me still, while the sand behind me gives way even though I know where it is I should be leaping to, I stand still (thanks to the Gap and Michea for that, well, and God too :-). I need to deny the fact that I have doubts about Christ or God. It's us we have doubts about. It's ourselves whom we believe will be the letdown. We anticipate it's not going to happen, so we've already lost the battle, and then we look to blame the one single entity that was there to guide us if only we took their hand.


The drugs and or pornography are perhaps the most prevalent in my life, if for nothing other than they were two of the longest-tenured and readily-tangible, physical acts I could partake in. Take your drugs, run away, let the world become a haze. Forget about everything else that's going on, I'm the only one alive. Sure I can recognize there's others out there, but my high is of my utmost concern because I'm all I care about. I had no intention of writing that last statement, so I think it's a revelation from the Holy Spirit that I was able to write such a thing. Drugs are no longer for me, but the allure of knowing what they do, how they do it, and how well they work with me, those are things I have to deny. They're nothing more than cheap, empty parlor tricks, designed to make me think my life is complete only when I have them, designed to make me ignore the very thing God gives freely, which is ironically the very thing I would take the drugs for-a sense and feeling of worth, loveable worth, to someone, something.

With porn.....well, porn is a little different. Porn gave a way for me (and for many men I suspect) to say to themselves "wait a minute. Why go out and work for sex, when I can just sit in the privacy of my own home, and find all the depraved things I've only dreamed or thought about to have websites where I can enjoy myself?" For those of you who don't know, I've had a fetish for female feet and all things nylon/stockings/pantyhose, ever since early, early, did I say EARLY, childhood? And yet, as a teenager and young man, the world came up with the internet, a place where people could go and post pictures of themselves partaking in all kinds of lustful acts. So it became a question for many men, I'm sure myself included, of if I can find everything I want right here, right now, why do I need a girlfriend? Why invest in love? We're only looking for sex anyway.

But there was a problem, as there tends to be when we think with our human brain. We become animals. We crave something. We get a taste for it. And then when its gone we want more of it. Like the drugs and their high, we consume for it. We start thinking differently. We start acting differently. Soon, our days, our incomes, our nights are planned out to where we can maximize our secrets, getting everything we hope to out of the experience. And the experience isn't even over, the last puff of smoke isn't exhaled, the last wipe of semen isn't even off the tip yet, and here we are, already craving it again. Wishing to be stuck in a perpetual state of bliss, sweet, ignorant bliss. What we don't seem to realize is we already are stuck in a perpetual state, only, we're spiraling downward with each pass.


A friend once told me that you can't just stick a porn blocker on your computer or delete your drug dealer's number and expect that to be it, leaving you all free and clear. They said that you have to make the conscious act of submitting to the Lord, of realizing your ways are so far below his ways, that what you crave and what He desires for you almost always tend to be different. This is truth 101 here. God didn't make you or me so we could be heroin junkies. He didn't make us so we could be whores and fuck anything that breathed. Yet, somehow, it's in those lowest of places that people seem to think they are truly alive, and that at those points, that's the only place where you'll ever actually find them to be happy.


Nearly half of my life on Earth had drugs AND pornography involved in it. I got hooked at an early teen age. And yet for all my drugs, for all the images, for all the highs, all the pleasures, I can't say any of those things did a single thing to make my life a better one. Now, here I am sitting talking about my life in Christ, and sure, those stumbles and falls may have ultimately been stepping stones to get to the point of finding Salvation in the Lord, by no means were they justified nor acceptable behavior to my life, and I sometimes wonder how radically altered my life would be had I never fallen as deep, or had Christ saved me years ago. But those wonders are nothing more than folly. God had Christ bring me back to Him at the precise point He was ready, and my testimony only serves as greater evidence that there is the one true Living God, whose only Begotton Son is my Lord & Savior, who loved me enough to die for me, so that I may share in the same love with Him & His Father.


2. Why does He require such "daily" obedience? What would be different about Christianity if all we were asked to do was "set it and forget it"?

Oddly enough, once you're set with God, everything in your life up to that point is forgotten, and you are made a new creation in Christ Jesus.  But that's God we're talking about here, not man.

Why daily obedience? You ever been so pumped for something you can taste it, and then 2 hours after it happened, it's almost as if it's a distant memory, or a dream, something that didn't really take place? Well how would you feel if you just sort of forgot about your sins, about the wrong way to do things? I know how I feel when I go through periods of not praying. I feel detached, as if a vital part of myself, some inner part of my being that is a part of me yet wholly independent of me, I feel as if the connection isn't as strong, as if something is lacking.

The human mind, and humanity, is only able to think in this moment. By the time you finish reading this sentence, the moment is gone and a new one is here. We cannot afford to sit idly by and just sort of walk away from our sin, not addressing it, ignoring it, letting it be there, but giving it no creedence. It's similar to what I mentioned above, in buying the porn blocker, or deleting the number. You haven't solved the problem. All you did was take away a route to a means to an end. The end is still there inside you. If you never bother addressing it, never bother looking at it to realize it has no place in you, it will just sit there, perhaps lying dormant, perhaps growing, perhaps shrinking. Either way about it, moving forward in Christ will prove immensely difficult if you choose to ignore the alarms in your head about the fires that need to be snuffed out.......


Day 45

(action points Luke 9:28-36)


1. Why would Jesus choose a mountain as the ideal spot for Him to reveal His glory to His closest friends?

Perhaps b/c mountains were considered peaks to the Lord, being higher up than flatland, being the imposing sizes that they were. My full name, when translated, roughly means 'Honoring God by taking the high road". As God is Highest of all, it would seem appropriate that when He reveals Himself, it be at a place of majesty, a place overlooking all the lands. I'm not saying we need the gold and jewel-encrusted cup of the Last Crusade here, though there would be no issue with that as God's throne is made of all the most beautiful gold and jewels.

I'm simply saying, think about what hiking a mountain entrails. You have to be prepared to climb it. Sure, it's walking, but it's walking at an angle. Walking at angles means theres some pain involved. But the pain is actually a precursor to pleasure, because not only will your muscles, your body, your mind become stronger as you walk, along the path you begin to be able to appreciate the things you may not have noticed in your earlier days of hiking, when the pain was so pressing, or when you weren't in the best shape. Do you know what it's like to stand at the top of a high mountain, overlooking valleys and clouds? It's a feeling as if the world is an illusion, that truth, real truth, is up there somewhere. That if you stare long enough into the vastness of the horizons, you'll find every answer you ever needed up there.

Make note of scripture saying the Disciples were sleepy, but when they became awake, they saw the glory. This is almost similar to arriving to Las Vegas or Disneyland, or waking up Christmas morning. You're groggy, tired, maybe not even in the most chipper of moods. And then, when moment is finally there, you're as alert as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. All your senses seem to be open to fullest capacity, sights, sounds, sensations, they all ring ring ring in your head, as if your memories are taking some mental inventory of every single event that's happening.


Now, with all that being said, doesn't it make sense that the Son of God would reveal Himself on a mountain top????



2. At what points and places in your life has He made His glory known to you....in ways that were indescribably real and unforgettable?

Well, if you've read my testimony, you all know about the night I met Jesus through his understudy, Jarret. You'll also know that I saw Jesus show up in the most normal looking, simplistic-featured man the night I was saved. Ironically, when I was baptized I had no idea I would be overlooking so many people from such high a stage, a fact that seems all the more to make sense now after just talking about Jesus revealing Himself from a high point.

I can say there was a night with my friends after a rather emotional group meeting at Scott's house where it was revealed to me through my brother Bret about the empty room and canvas I kept seeing in my dreams/nightmares/visions, and how I don't need to think about that anymore (which, other than writing about now, doesn't seem to ever be in my head). I can say the night when Michea forgave me, and was the first person over to me on the floor, grasping my hands. It was the first time I think I ever truly felt what it was like to be forgiven for something, to know I had done a horrible wrong and sought to make amends, not to make myself feel better, but because it was the right thing to do.

I love you Jesus. You blow me away with all you have done for me. For me, for my friends, for my family. For every soul that's ever breathed. I sometimes wonder if I can ever truly know what price you paid. But it brings me Joy to know that you gave your life for me so that I may give my life for you.


To you be all glory, all praise, all honor. In your name I pray, now and forever. Amen

90 Days w/Jesus....Days 42 & 43

(action points Matthew 14:19-21)


1. If you're not sensing the approval of God today, would you do some honest soul-searching to see if there's anything that's keeping your fellowship strained and distant?

I disagree with the premise of the question. It's taking the stance that I'm not doing those things already, and saying they're what I'd need to sense God's approval. I'm not saying a person shouldn't search themselves, their thoughts, their feelings, to see if something is keeping them from the Lord. I'm simply saying that it's quite well possible a person is in diligent prayer, is warm and friendly, is making their choices based out of obedience and servitude to the Lord, yet they may not feel His approval.

Come to think of it, when does anyone ever 'feel' God's approval? I mean, we feel inside when something is wrong. We know when the numbers don't add up right. We know when we're in sin, or doing something we're not supposed to. That is revealed to us all the time, with many of those times being ignored when we notice them because we don't want to 'check' ourselves and consider what it is we are doing that may be wrong. But approval? Approval from God, for me, seems to always come in a form of silence. No bells or whistles going off, no constant rubix-cubing of my problems in my head, no point of reference I stop and think about.

However, in my day today, I would say the thoughts of drugs, of laziness, even lust, to a certain degree, kept themselves in the air all day long, at various points. Thinking about wanting to do them, wanting to never have responsibilities, wanting to just wake up, eat, sleep, rinse, repeat. And those are all temporary forms of happiness, all available in their little pills mankind so feverishly makes, telling us we'll find our place, we'll find ourselves, when we partake, just this once. Shake loose, throw our inhibitions to the door, live a little. As if throwing caution to the wind and living on the edge is the only place life is. Most sinners live on the edge or beyond. Most people of faith know not to go anywhere near it. But there are some of us who think a little flirting rush with excitement is okay, and that 'just this once' won't hurt.

Think if Jesus said 'just this once'. Where would we be now?

Fucked.

That's where.


2. What would you do if you knew God was smiling on you today? How would it change everything.

What if I said I knew God smiled on me today, and continues to smile on me now? Isn't God always supposed to smile on me, to shower me with love, to show me how to live in His ways? I'm not as souled out for Christ, to coin a phrase I heard a few months back, as I should be. And yet, I know God loves me completely, that He rejoiced in Heaven and beyond when I was called back to Him.

I wish, or more accurately, pray, that on the days when I am graced with life, that I may be so willing to grace God with my life, instead of gracing it for myself. Life is a gift. A gift that is given to us, that we may give it back to He who gave. I hope that each day, each and every day of my life, builds me to the point of one day, when I wake up, I no longer have to think about if I'm doing something right, or if I'm praying enough, or if I paid enough attention to God that day. I hope and have faith that there will be a day that comes where I will do all of those things, without even thinking, knowing that every thought and action that comes from my being only does so as a biproduct of being guided by the Holy Spirit.



*journals done together for shortness of entries

Day 43
(actions points Matthew 16:13-23)

1. What are some of the things about Jesus' teaching that you sometimes find very, very difficult to swallow? How have you reacted to these things throughout your life with Him?


Well, it's not Jesus I've had the problem with; it's God. Jesus is Lord, and He submits to the will of the Father. Most of the times I have difficulty in understanding the symbolism behind things. Or the crazy reactions God has. An example would be a king who was told he'd win a great victory. He was told by a prophet that he'd wipe them out completely, y'know, kick the shit out of them. The prophet told him to strike arrows on the ground signifying his victory. So he did, and then the prophet says he didn't strike them enough times, so the enemy won't be totally defeated.

It's like, erm, exsqueeze me? What the fuck just happened here? The guy somehow disobeyed God because he didn't go apeshit on arrow striking? Speaking on war, I have issue with God wiping out entire groups of beings. Kill the men and children, along with those women who've had sex. Keep the virgins for yourselves. This tactic was showed in full utter douchebag mode during Braveheart. If you can't get them out, breed them out.

But, I am remiss. We're supposed to be talking about Jesus' teachings........and, yup, no, there's nothing with what He has said and presented that makes me go "whoa, whoa, whoa, Jesus, that's a little progressive there. You sure you're not a liberal?" No, Jesus is pretty straightforward, by the book (pun intended), no nonsense type of guy. His riddles may have sounded riddly, but if you're paying attention, they're pretty easy to understand, believe, and accept.


2. Why did Jesus choose for His way to be frequently offensive to our natural inclinations?

Um, because not choosing would be sinful, since He'd be going against God? This is another weird word question. There's nothing offensive about Jesus' way. Our natural inclinations are offensive to Jesus. BIIIIG difference.

Jesus' trust, His faith, relied in God, which is like relying in Himself, which is really using the Holy Spirit as objectus of relieousus, which, yeah, the whole 3 in 1 thing, it's hard to understand, but that's another entry sometime. Jesus' way was based on God's plan, not the plans on man, who can only see with their eyes and hear with their ears. So for even those who had been with him this whole time, who saw all his miracles performed, they still were limited by the contstraints of their 'humanity', and thus, un-equipped to handle the veracity of the claim Jesus made. They believed death was the end, for they had not been shown what lies ahead.....

His way only causes offense to those who believe they've been offended. For the believer, it would be an offense to not listen to Him.



**these entries weren't that profound, and I felt that I needed to state as much before I posted this entry. Tonight seemed more of a book assignment than a prayer/faith-related exercise. Perhaps day 43 will bring joy anew :)

90 Days w/Jesus....Day 41

(action points Luke 9:10-17)

1. Whave have been some of your 'unless' responses lately- those short-sighted answers that seem to be the only way God can pull your problem out of the fire?


As most times in our lives, we tend to think of ourselves first, everyone else second, and God is there somewhere in between. He should(rightfully) be first always, but sometimes we focus on ourselves and our own ambitions or ways we perceive things. A prime example is earlier today when I was talking to a friend and mentioning how I may never truly be happy with my body unless my moobs go away. So much of my life has been deeply involved in the physical aspect of life, the physical sensation that comes with touch and human connection, and how others view you or see you. A guy with manboobs is typically seen in our society today as someone who is lazy, unattractive, out of shape, and with no chance of getting any. I know these to be lies, created by the enemy, implanted into society, making us focus on ourselves instead of the true focus, which is submission to the Lord our God and a committed trusting relationship with Jesus Christ.

This answer is currently the most accurate one I can discern, as I seem to be having trouble finding the crux of my unlesses. Perhaps I may come back to this later on. For now, moving on.......

2. When was the last time you went ahead and took an "unless" action, only to find out later, that if you'd have waited, God had another "unless" in mind?

I think perhaps it may have been when I recently quit my position at Ryan's. It was a decision that was rash and on the fly, but at the time, I didn't believe I could stay completely content unless I was no longer working there. Having another position lined up was not a priority of mine, and I paid the consequence with now being unemployed, but also have gained understanding in knowing how I went about leaving the job was wrong, and I have a responsibility to God to not let my emotions or tongue get the best of me, which they did on that day.

I'm currently not sure what God has in store for me, other than obviously more love, more hope, and giving me the things in life He wants me to have. It could be that had I stayed a little longer, I may have been able to save the next few paychecks and moved on to something better. But as it is, I'm forced to move on to the next thing in a total state of dependance on God's Grace (as we all should do. Love God, depend on His Grace), so where He takes me, or who He has me talk to, is up to Him. I can say, however, with having quit my position, I've run into a few people as of late who've informed me of job openings at places, to which I've applied for, and left it in God's hands.



*reflection
Think bigger! You choose the issue that's pressing on your heart right now- the one that seems impossible to solve or work your way out of. How different might it look if you knew your problem had a "bigger" answer,  a "bigger" reason for being there?


I'm turning 31 this year and still live with my parents. I know, I know. That sounds like the prequel to the 40-year-old-virgin, the 30-year-old-teenager. It's where I am now. I've been blessed to have parents as the ones I have, who've always been willing to give me a roof over my head, food on my plate, and a bed to sleep on. But I'm feeling, or have felt for a while, that I need to move on to the next step, that I need to hit what you people out there in the otherscreenland call "adulthood". Every time I get close to moving ahead in life, I seem to sabatoge myself and allow my feelings for doing the things the enemy would like me to do, and then I get set right back to square one. It could not have been any more shining than what happened during the last few months, where I took a cleaver to all the things God had given me strength in (the ability to put my money away, the ability to work out daily, the ability to pray daily and journal daily), and made sure I set my counter right back to zero, as if I'm some perpetual child who will always need someone to take care of me.

I don't really know how to look at the "bigger" on this, other than to say I understand that all things on this planet, in this life, are temporary. The Earthly, fleshly life I've been given, will come and go. So will where I sleep, or where I live, or who I know, or what I do. What I take refuge in is knowing the "bigger" that's out there is the Holy Spirit, directed by God and guided by Jesus, and that I am in their grasp. That they won't let me fail, because He loves me too much. Jesus didn't save me just so he could kick my ass to the curb. It's when I do realize that things are temporary, and realize just how "rich" and blessed I am. A bed, possessions, music, movies, cable, the internet, books, drawing paper, exercise equipment, musical instruments, a nice neighborhood, friendly neighbors, a dog who's my boi, and parents who shower me with love.


It may be my "biggest" thing right now, but that's only because of me and no one else. Lord, I ask in the name of Jesus to have the Holy Spirit guide my life at all times, especially over these next few months. Let my focus, my determination, my goal, my reason, my beginning, my end, my day, my night, my love, my life.....let them all be for you. May my will become your will, and when it's not, may you reveal to me where I am lacking in focus, direction, obedience, and servitude to you, O Mighty God.


In your name I pray, all glory and praise be to you forever & ever. Amen

90 Days w/Jesus....Day 40

(action points Matthew 10:5-10)

1. What are some ministires and blessings you wish you could share with others a little more freely than you do now, or at least more freely than you have in the past?

In thinking about it, I can honestly say that I wish I could share the message of Christ's love, of what He did for us, more freely. I mean, when I think of ministering and blessing, I've not been a minister yet; I haven't been in the family long enough. But I have given blessings to people. Blessings for their family, health, for their baby to be delivered, for their marriage to be honorable. Though, as I am running this through my mind, I would mostly wish I could share the message to the world that Jesus loves you. He does. He really, really does.

That was the first, and perhaps only, message I ever needed to hear from God. I knew of religion. I knew the groups, the packs, the gangs. I knew some of the basics like the Garden, the Flood, Exodus, some of the Gospels. That's about it. I about the moments in my life before I was saved, and don't believe I ever picked up the bible with any intent to be educated or to believe I could be educated from it. And all I knew about Jesus came from those whacko ultra-uber scary Christians who were hypocrits bigots and racists.

And yet, it was Jesus. It is Jesus. He's all that matters. I was told He loved me, and I believed it. Sure, I may have doubted or flat-out disbelieved many times in my past, including these times during my walk with Him. I cannot deny Him. I cannot deny the things that have taken place in my life. I cannot throw it all to random chance, some karmic balance of the universe, a bunch of stringed coincidences.

In the movie 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button', which came out just a few months before I met Christ and when I was still in my downward spiral, I saw the film, and one of the quotes that stuck with me through it was...

"I hope you live a life that you're proud of. If not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

I wasn't proud of the life I lived. Jesus knew this, and came along and gave me the strength to start all over again. In Him. With Him. For him. Forever.

If He can do this for me, He CAN do it for you. And that's my hope, with a little faith mixed in.


2. What tends to bottle up the freedom of our generosity with others? What do we routinely stumble over in our efforts to be Christ's disciples and servants in this world?

In short: the human condition. That's what does it. It's our humanity that both ties up and frees our efforts. We doubt. We aren't good enough. We know our own dirty little secrets, and sometimes, it haunts and disgusts us equally. We don't think we can make a difference. That sure, He saved me, but He did it b/c He loved me, and He knows I was only looking to be saved.

As the passages in Matthew, Mark & Luke say, Jesus told His disciples to go forth, heal the sick, preach the good news, travel town to town, cast out demons, etc. etc. He told em pack lightly, don't take any extra provisions. Just go by the Grace of God. While reading about this these past few days, I came to wonder to myself if people in America could do that now. Granted, I understand God has the power to do anything, but it was a thought. Could you or I, give up our life for a year, or six months even, and simply travel along the road, going from city to city, preaching the good news, and looking to live off the hospitality of others? It's a scary thought. How many people may say yes, but their views of God are so skewed it's impossible to reach them? Or the family that's so devout, they actually think you aren't doing enough to be penetent to the Lord. We would convince ourselves that the generosity of people will be so few and far between that we've stopped before we've started.

We stumble so much over what other's think of us, that our paradigm shifts from aiming to please the Lord to wondering if we're pleasing our friends. Soon we become so enamored in wanting to seek the approval of others, that we've now committed the sin of idolatry to the Lord, and that is a major stumbling block in many Christians. I've seen and experienced those moments in my early days of saying "whoa, this guy's a little too hard to disciple to" or "I just can't bring myself to believe I'll be effective in helping them, so I'll keep my mouth shut instead.

I was thinking today about eyes, and how, really, there's no purpose for them, other than to see the Glory that God has given us. And yet our with our eyes, we compare, we judge, we distances ourselves, we choose. Imagine for a moment if we had never been given eyesight. Everything would change, because we no longer relied on visual anticipation, but on emotional sensation. Our thoughts, words, actions would guide us, I think, more freely, for we'd have no fear or idea of wondering what we looked like or how we were viewed by others, and would ultimately free up our ability to be more devoted to that which is I AM. (note-this last paragraph is me just musing. If you feel it adds nothing to the conversation, discard it from your memory banks......Now)



To Him be all glory, all praise, all honor. Now and forever. Amen