Those days leading up to my decision were some difficult ones. Let's be honest, that whole last week and a half was a difficult one. I didn't have any jobs lined up, I didn't want to stay at Santa Fe, for fear of relapsing into drugs, depression, or any parts of my past life that have no place in my life now.
It's been a hard thing, though it's been told of us how easy it is, to give yourself up and over to God. To trust something so completely, to accept that God is always there for you, always hears your cries, always hears your pains, always looks over you and will never abandon you. What I hope most of you understand is my life for a long time consisted of no trust of anything, most of all myself. In fact, clearly I still have problems with trusting myself, seeing as how I took that job at the first place. Making a decision that ultimately turned out to be the wrong one, but it was my decision, and that showed me, as previously stated, the problem of trusting myself. On this one I deferred to God, because I am not yet strong enough in my walk with him, and it was Him who I had to trust in, in order for things to happen where they are now.
The day after my last post, I called up a job I'd interviewed with the very same day I found out about the Santa Fe job. I'd had a great conversation with my mother, and she reminded me of what our Grandpa used to tell her when you ask for something. "The worst someone can say is no." She told me to call them up, see if they'd be at least willing to listen to me for 10 minutes, if I could explain myself, and what happened. You see, I'd been given a conditional job offer by this company, but it was to wait on a background check; Santa Fe wanted me to start immediately, and so I took their position.
In calling up this new place, Cracker Barrel, I was able to catch the first Manager I interviewed with, a nice woman named Lisa, who was gracious enough to give me a few minutes to talk with her over the phone. She informed me she'd pass along the message to the GM, who wouldn't be in until the next day.
We weren't able to meet until Wednesday, and that morning, I went in, sat down, and have a conversation with him. I simply told him everything that had transpired, the massive amount of hours, the changing of responsibilities, the craziness of the blatant open conversations about drug use, etc., etc. I let him know that I'm in the midst of learning to start my life with God as my center, and that in a place like that, with everything that was going on, along with being accused of stealing, I just couldn't see myself lasting at that job.
I told Micheal that I knew no job offer from him was on the table, as that time had come and passed, but informed him that I wanted to come in and explain everything and let him know why I'd not taken the job that first time. After hearing everything, Micheal gave me another chance.
I was, needless to say, blown away by the grace that was placed before me, and I definitely had feelings of humility at that moment. It was almost unbelievable that I'd gotten the job.
It was at this point my next stop became Santa Fe. What's strange, and I know this may sound funny, is as I walked in to find a manager, I felt like everyone was looking at me. Like eyes were watching me. As if, and I know this is going to sound funny, but it felt as if the enemy's eye was upon me in every glare, every glance that beheld me. But I felt something inside me saying "have no fear". I mean that. It was like I was floating through a dream where each face that gazed on me hid some type of evil, ready to spring forth at a moments' notice. I know this all sounds dramatic and intense, but it truly is what I felt when I went in there. One could perhaps even say the enemy knew I was turning my back on him, taking myself further away from his grasp.
In the book of James, we're told "submit yourselves to God, and the devil will flee." I believe the devil was trying a last ditch effort to get me to want to somehow stay there, and in my submission, he was pissed, like he always is, that I didn't bow to him.
And so, I explained to the Manager there everything that had been going on, and how I'd been informed by one of the people I worked with that they were trying to right their ship. I told him I myself am trying to right my ship, and that means I need to do what's best for me. Please don't get me wrong in what I described above as implying these people I worked with were all a bunch of evil blasphemers or whathaveyou. They are people, just like me. Facing life, just like me. I don't hate any of them, I don't hold any ill-will towards them. But my life in Christ, under God, is where all priority lies. He understood this, and shook my hand, wished me the best.
That day was filled, after that point, with a lot of emotional roller coasters as well. Some things happened that were on pretty much the most opposite sides of the spectrum that you could find, and though they didn't happen to me, they were in my friends' lives, and those people are a part of my life, so what affects them affects me. I am happy to say I was able to take all the things that happened in that day and give thanks to the Lord for everything.
I'm still learning about all this. There are many things the Lord still has to show me. But what I learned most about this experience is that everything that happens in my life, every single thing, should be taken to the Lord.
I used to think things were too small to bother God with. Used to think that you've gotta figure things out all on your own, and that God isn't there. But if you submit, if you are willing to go to Him with anything, He WILL be there for you. Even if you can't feel His presence, even if you think He's not listening, He is there. He is always there.
And He will always love you. Because. He. Is. Love.
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment