(action points Luke 8:26-39)
1. These accounts of demon possession can be disturbing and confusing, even though they do reveal Christ's delivering power. What questions do they bring to mind in you?
Does a demon have to be in "obvious" control over a person in order to be within them? All I can think about is times and moments in my past, and wonder, when I was doing some of the things I did, whether or not it was because I was a sinner, or, more scarily, because I had some sort of possession inside me.
I just finished watching a movie called "Seraphim Falls". It was lost on me the few years ago when I'd originally seen it, had not paid much attention to anything in the film. Yet, tonight, when I watched it, there were 'revelations' so to speak.
Near the end, the two main characters both have a run-in with a snakeoil saleswoman, who offers them a "remedy for all their ailments". She makes them offers for something she's willing to give for something they have, and, at both instances, they went to grab at what she had, but before they could, she snatched it back, making them give over first. It turns out, this woman's name was Louise C. Fayre....or Lucifer.
And what I realized was, she couldn't really offer them anything, without first having them give their willing permission to the deal or trade. They were tempted by her, but she couldn't take it from them, without their consent. Now, I'm not saying we consent to having demons in us, but I am wondering, if by continued disobedience to the Lord, is it perhaps possible that we're in effect, giving ourselves over to satan, so he may do as he pleases, i.e., filling us with demons? Possessing our hearts and minds?
How exactly does a demon show up? Is it quiet and subtle? Are the changes immediate in a person, so much so that people can recognize there are things happening? I don't know if I've fully answered this question to it's proper extent, but what I do know is that without the Lord, anyone is succeptable to possession. A person who has the Holy Spirit dwelling within them, who is a believer AND follower, I don't believe any form of possession could take place...
2. We're going to talk about some of the things we can learn from these passages. But before we start, what do you find most encouraging about Christ's victory over demons?
As I read the passage, I thought of another part of scripture, though I couldn't point to the book and verse, but in my mind, the thought "even His enemies will bow before Him and acknowledge His power"
In claiming Christ, in accepting Him into my heart, I can know that I am victorious because He is victorious. He has overcome all forms of attack. He cannot be beaten or bested or out-anythinged. He is the Lord Almighty. And becaue He has commanded that those who believe in Him & His Father will be granted eternal salvation and life, then it encourages me in knowing that I, too, have already won the biggest battle of my life, for Jesus saw fit to give me victory.
*relfection
Have you ever been afraid of Christ's presence in your life, the way these citizens were? What causes us to fear His nearness?
"I fear the Greeks, even when they bring gifts". This statement is very true when it comes to the Lord.
I cannot say I've feared Jesus as these people did, but I think I have, at times, feared the Truth He brings. And that truth is He loves me. He wants the best for me. He forgives me for what wrongs I do, and He wishes to build me up, and show me how to live fully within Him. When someone showers you with love and affection, you tend to get this creeping feeling inside you like it's all being done for some malicious purpose, as if they are wanting or expecting something in return of you.
I think that, more than anything, is our fear of Jesus. The fear that we cannot repay Him for what He gives us, that even though we know we are so unworthy of His Divine Grace, that we somehow think we can't repay Him. We know we don't have to repay Him, that He tells us this offer is made freely to us. But we fear because we think it's too good to be true, When in fact, Jesus is the only thing that is so good it's true. It's beyond good and yet it's still true.
When you see something like the Holy Spirit come over a person, and they speak in tongues, or they receive a gifting or a message on their hearts, and when you're paying attenion because you're looking for the Lord, He will show Himself. And shit like that can be scary. When you know you're in the presence of the Almighty, and you recognize just how powerful He is.
His nearness makes us take stock of our life. Makes us see where we've made the right decision, the wrong decision, and the decision God wanted us to make. When we're close like that, and He's there, revealing, it can freak us out because we didn't know we were so close to begin with.............
I doubt my answers to these questions tonight. I'm still feeling the hesitation and the mind-constraints of thinking I'm writing from myself, and not writing from the openness to listen to God's word, to hear Him and Him alone. I'm still having problems moving past myself, and I'm still thinking I'm the one who needs to take care of getting 'me' out of the way. And I need to drop that line of thinking. I can do nothing outside of God, and I certainly can't move forward in my life or in my Lord until I give it over to Him and obey what He wants for me.
Lord, please put it on my heart to want to give control over to you, so I may hear you, so I may see you, so I may listen to you, so I may obey you. I've seen what happens to my life when I make the decisions, and that path only leads to destruction. When I disobey you, and do what I think is best, and I don't look to talk to, pray to, or consult or bring it before you, O Lord, I bring ruin to your feet. Ruin that need not ever take place. Let me learn to trust you completely, God, so that I may walk in Your Word and Your ways, that I may become ever righteous through receiving your word and speaking of your Glory and your plans for my life, and for the life of all those who seek you.
In your name I pray, my Lord, Jesus Christ,
Amen
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus...day 35
(action points Luke 8:1-3, 19-21)
1. How do you think Mary processed these words of Jesus? How about his brothers?
I would imagine, being a younger brother of a man who went around the country, performing the things he did during the times that he did, as a younger brother I perhaps would think he's either crazy, foolish, or unwise. Some type of cult leader. I may see that people believe in him, but having heard what he had said, I would believe that I held reason and right over him, to tell him what things he spoke of are folly, and that he deceives people with his words, to make them think they could do or be anything, or that they should give up and turn away from their lives and start walking around and doing the same thing as him.
In those times, things were structured, moreso than they are today. Sure, in today's time, we know our place, but at that time, I think it would be even more readily recognized of the things you could, couldn't, should and shouldn't do. Jesus' 'family' probably walked daily knowing people talked and said things about Him, and perhaps some of their fears and doubts and choices are formed by the crowds and people around them, We saw how easily Peter was ready to deny Jesus three times, and Peter knew Him to be the son of God. How would it have felt to be his brother, knowing you grew up with Him, and then watching Him proclaim these things? I myself, I suppose, if my older brother started walking around and saying He was the Messiah, and he was doing all kinds of strange things as Jesus did, I would be very nervous about who I spoke to, how I conducted myself, or where I would go. People would hound me, harass me, want to know what I believed, and would possibly even use my own answers against my brother, as signs of evidence that he was not truly who he said he was.
If, however, I were placed in the role of mother, I would feel pain or at least heavy struggle. If I see my son, doing the things Jesus did, and seeing him in a state of happiness, do I decide to trump his happiness for my own well-being inside? Would I look to keep him from doing what it is that is for his own life, for the sake of my feeling good inside, my feeling proud of my child? And moreover, Mary was told her son would be the King of Kings, and yet, here he is, saying his true family is all those who hear him. As a mother, I may feel rejected, or worse, simply forgotten and unloved. And how painful a thought it is, all too well that I know, in feeling as though Jesus doesn't love me.
If there's ever a pain in the world that is like no other, it's the feeling that you are unwanted, unloved, rejected by the Living God of all things. It's a pain I wish to never feel in my life again. I lived that pain for nearly 3 decades.....
2. When scripture seems offensive to us, when God's way seems harsh and insensitive, what does that tell us about Him? And what does it tell about us?
At best, it tells me I still don't fully understand the ways of the Lord. At worst, it tells me I will never fully understand or know His ways.
I was just reading 2 Samuel, and it was finishing up, and the Lord was displeased with something David had done, and presented him with 3 choices of punishment-famine, plague, or being chased by his enemies. David chose plague.
And because of that, God sent His angel, who wiped out 70,000 people before God Himself said "enough". All I was left thinking right then is "what the fuck, God? why did 70,000 people die by your hand, because of what David had done?" These were God's own men, women, and children. And they were slaughtered, before God decided to say okay, I've killed enough. And then He instructed those remaining to build a momument to Him.
It's moments like these when I have real struggle accepting God as a pure being of love. He must be, but all things reside in Him. And for Him to have said, here, pick your destruction, it's like Gozar the Gogarian from Ghostbusters, saying choose your destructor. What did any, what did one single one of those 70,000 who perished, what was their crime against the Lord? Were they guilty because they lived under David's rule? Were they guilt because, awww fuck, I don't know. I have no other way of asking-what sin were they all guilty of that they deserved to die and awful death through plague?
As for what these moments say of me, they simply tell me that I cannot yet fully understand God's Divine Will & Nature. Just yesterday, a friend at work revealed to me that a baby in their family just passed on. And yet, scripture tells me that those who do not confess with their hearts and mouths that Jesus is their savior, will not go to Heaven. I am left wondering-are all newborns or young children who've never been exposed or shown God's light, are they all dead in Hell? And if so, why Lord, would you bring a life into the world just to discard it like that? These are thoughts that I sometimes look to not think about, because when I do, I want to become and tend to become, angry with God. I feel like I'm pounding on His chest, beating him with everything I can, and I know nothing affects Him, and He just stands there, letting me pound on Him. You're God. At least give the babies a chance to grow and hear your ways and reject you, before they themselves are rejected at their earliest moments of inception to the living world.
Hear me Father...show me your Heart, so I may come closer to You....
Amen....
1. How do you think Mary processed these words of Jesus? How about his brothers?
I would imagine, being a younger brother of a man who went around the country, performing the things he did during the times that he did, as a younger brother I perhaps would think he's either crazy, foolish, or unwise. Some type of cult leader. I may see that people believe in him, but having heard what he had said, I would believe that I held reason and right over him, to tell him what things he spoke of are folly, and that he deceives people with his words, to make them think they could do or be anything, or that they should give up and turn away from their lives and start walking around and doing the same thing as him.
In those times, things were structured, moreso than they are today. Sure, in today's time, we know our place, but at that time, I think it would be even more readily recognized of the things you could, couldn't, should and shouldn't do. Jesus' 'family' probably walked daily knowing people talked and said things about Him, and perhaps some of their fears and doubts and choices are formed by the crowds and people around them, We saw how easily Peter was ready to deny Jesus three times, and Peter knew Him to be the son of God. How would it have felt to be his brother, knowing you grew up with Him, and then watching Him proclaim these things? I myself, I suppose, if my older brother started walking around and saying He was the Messiah, and he was doing all kinds of strange things as Jesus did, I would be very nervous about who I spoke to, how I conducted myself, or where I would go. People would hound me, harass me, want to know what I believed, and would possibly even use my own answers against my brother, as signs of evidence that he was not truly who he said he was.
If, however, I were placed in the role of mother, I would feel pain or at least heavy struggle. If I see my son, doing the things Jesus did, and seeing him in a state of happiness, do I decide to trump his happiness for my own well-being inside? Would I look to keep him from doing what it is that is for his own life, for the sake of my feeling good inside, my feeling proud of my child? And moreover, Mary was told her son would be the King of Kings, and yet, here he is, saying his true family is all those who hear him. As a mother, I may feel rejected, or worse, simply forgotten and unloved. And how painful a thought it is, all too well that I know, in feeling as though Jesus doesn't love me.
If there's ever a pain in the world that is like no other, it's the feeling that you are unwanted, unloved, rejected by the Living God of all things. It's a pain I wish to never feel in my life again. I lived that pain for nearly 3 decades.....
2. When scripture seems offensive to us, when God's way seems harsh and insensitive, what does that tell us about Him? And what does it tell about us?
At best, it tells me I still don't fully understand the ways of the Lord. At worst, it tells me I will never fully understand or know His ways.
I was just reading 2 Samuel, and it was finishing up, and the Lord was displeased with something David had done, and presented him with 3 choices of punishment-famine, plague, or being chased by his enemies. David chose plague.
And because of that, God sent His angel, who wiped out 70,000 people before God Himself said "enough". All I was left thinking right then is "what the fuck, God? why did 70,000 people die by your hand, because of what David had done?" These were God's own men, women, and children. And they were slaughtered, before God decided to say okay, I've killed enough. And then He instructed those remaining to build a momument to Him.
It's moments like these when I have real struggle accepting God as a pure being of love. He must be, but all things reside in Him. And for Him to have said, here, pick your destruction, it's like Gozar the Gogarian from Ghostbusters, saying choose your destructor. What did any, what did one single one of those 70,000 who perished, what was their crime against the Lord? Were they guilty because they lived under David's rule? Were they guilt because, awww fuck, I don't know. I have no other way of asking-what sin were they all guilty of that they deserved to die and awful death through plague?
As for what these moments say of me, they simply tell me that I cannot yet fully understand God's Divine Will & Nature. Just yesterday, a friend at work revealed to me that a baby in their family just passed on. And yet, scripture tells me that those who do not confess with their hearts and mouths that Jesus is their savior, will not go to Heaven. I am left wondering-are all newborns or young children who've never been exposed or shown God's light, are they all dead in Hell? And if so, why Lord, would you bring a life into the world just to discard it like that? These are thoughts that I sometimes look to not think about, because when I do, I want to become and tend to become, angry with God. I feel like I'm pounding on His chest, beating him with everything I can, and I know nothing affects Him, and He just stands there, letting me pound on Him. You're God. At least give the babies a chance to grow and hear your ways and reject you, before they themselves are rejected at their earliest moments of inception to the living world.
Hear me Father...show me your Heart, so I may come closer to You....
Amen....
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus...day 34
(action points Luke 8:4-15)
1.Think of one thing you've learned recently, simply from being in and hearing the Word.
The point of no return is the point in a journey, in an airplane, for instance, where the plane has gone past the halfway point, and now must continue on to its destination, for if it were to attempt to turn back, it would no longer have the fuel or ability to go back from whence it came. It must strive on, heading to where it is destined to be, no matter what the cost.
Vince Lombardi once said "winning isn't a something thing. It isn't a part-time thing. It's an all-time thing." If you insert the word 'God' in place of "winning", then you'll begin to understand, as I am, that God is an all-time thing. When I submitted myself to Him, to His saving Grace, I may have had an idea about what I was getting into, but honestly, the only thing I can say now is I knew nothing. Even if I thought I knew something that would be something, but I truly had no idea what I was getting into when I did this thing in His name.
God will always be with me. He is always there. He does not abandon His children. Even though the child may not want to talk to Him, to listen to Him, to do what He commands, He is always there. I may have gone through some rough periods recently, even insofar as not wanting to speak with Him, or pray to Him, or look to His guidance. But it's not as if I said to myself "look, God has left you; he is no longer here." As surely as I breathe, the Lord is with me. When we submit to God, when we're baptized, that is the true point of no return in our lives. We cannot go back to who we were. Everything has changed. Things that gave us pleasure, now give us pain, because we know it gives God pain. Things we may have delighted in doing, now we understand, we know, God is with us, and if we thought He may not have been watching or caring before, we certainly know now He is fixed on us. Not in judgement but in love. He is there, hovering over us, as He hovered over the earth in ancient times, keeping us in His neverending view.
When I sin now, when I actively attempt to disengage myself from the Lord, it's a pretty useless effort. I may succeed in sinning, but there is a part of me, deep inside, that let's me know "Tim, this is not for you; there is so much more in store for you that I have waiting". I know this is not my conscience, because I've had that thing all my life, and it never used to say things like that to me. I know what I hear is the Holy Spirit, working with the Lord my God, & His Son, my Savior, in order that I may persevere in righteousness and faith and hope, and most of all, that I may see His love as the only thing I ever need focus on. To borrow a quote from a good friend,
"amor vincit omnia"
2.What has satan done to try snatching it away from you? How has he attempted to make you doubt it or discount it?
He plays on my weakness of sometimes wanting to have the old life mixed with the new. He uses my lust for the experience of sensation to make me long for doing and being in the old way of life that I can. And when that doesn't work, he'll throw my sins right back in my face, all the stupid, moronic, hurtful, evil things I had done in my past to everyone and everything I knew, in hopes of making my will weak and to not wish to believe the Lord can take such pain away.
I think it funny, right now, I was thinking about how God says he shall always be like the serpent, forever striking at our heel. At the very same time, the image of Achilles popped in my head, and how the Achille's heel, how it was the one spot on the greatest warrior who ever was a man (Jesus was God & Man, so he trumps, but you get the point) that could cause damage. Even the mighty Achilles, he fell before he ever knew, because his sin was pride. He wished his name to be remembered through the ages, and while it's true it may be known by many, with long enough time it shall fade away. How greater may he have been as a father, or as a family man? His hand was not stayed because of pride, and pride is what led the arrow straight to his fall.
The enemy knows much about me, knows about my past, knows my likes and dislikes, knows what can set me off, knows what turns me on, knows where my weaknesses and strengths lie. But, he knows the truth. And this truth is I have given my life to the Lord. And he despises me for it, and wishes nothing but evil to be poured on me. He will always use his considerable power to tempt me, but I know the Lord, and I trust Him to deliver me in the face of my enemies. Simply knowing God, and being in a relationship with Him, makes me stronger than satan could ever hope to be. I have chosen the light of life over the shadow of darkness. And though the war may be over, there will always be battles to fight in the name of the the Almighty. It's my job to be prepared as God's warrior.
May the enemy fear the ground I walk upon, for it is the feet of the Lord who walk with me.
*reflection
What are some of the key ingredients of fertile "soil"? What few things have kept you most open to retaining, germinating, and bearing fruit with the implanted Word?
I have to first seek His "soil". I can't just let it fall on my path, start to take root, then disregard it's message. I also can't let myself get caught up in the world, though at times, things like bills, my place in life, where I am, where I will be going, these can trump my seeking, though only temporarily.
I must be willing to be obedient to the Lord. I must be willing to say to myself "He knows better for me than I know for myself," and accept what is happening in my life. I also must, in my obedience, be willing to actually be obedient. Too often in my life, and I'm sure in other people's lives, do we hear His Word, say we're listening, and then we don't fulfill that obedience, or we're partially obedient. Even as I write this now, I know there are still areas in my life that has a form of partial obedience to Him, even though I wish to know Him and glorify Him. There sometimes is an innate fear that if we give everything over to Him, there will be nothing left of joy in our world, because we're so afraid that we will receive nothing back, or that nothing will fill in the whole where we were keeping those areas of partial obedience.
I have to be open to the idea that God hears my prayers. That when I talk to Him, he receives my words, and though He may not agree, or give me the things I ask, or do what I 'tell' Him, I have to know that He is there, sitting, patiently maintaining His perfect interest in me, in hopes that my prayers will lead me to a closer, more open spot of understanding with Him. He can never not listen, for He is God. He will always hear my crys, my pleas, but it is up to me to make sure that I am crying for the right cries, that I am pleaing with Him for the right pleas.
The super-awesome movie Point Break, 1990, you all remember it? Keanu Reeves & Patrick Swayze? Yeah, that's right, let those memories flood back in....anyways, Patrick Swayze says in the film,
"If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price."
I ask you now, as I even ask this of myself, do you want the Ultimate? Do you seek Him? And if, in the moment you have found Him, are you willing to pay that Ultimate price?
A strong question to be sure. But strong questions usually indicate fierce truth behind them....
Amen.
1.Think of one thing you've learned recently, simply from being in and hearing the Word.
The point of no return is the point in a journey, in an airplane, for instance, where the plane has gone past the halfway point, and now must continue on to its destination, for if it were to attempt to turn back, it would no longer have the fuel or ability to go back from whence it came. It must strive on, heading to where it is destined to be, no matter what the cost.
Vince Lombardi once said "winning isn't a something thing. It isn't a part-time thing. It's an all-time thing." If you insert the word 'God' in place of "winning", then you'll begin to understand, as I am, that God is an all-time thing. When I submitted myself to Him, to His saving Grace, I may have had an idea about what I was getting into, but honestly, the only thing I can say now is I knew nothing. Even if I thought I knew something that would be something, but I truly had no idea what I was getting into when I did this thing in His name.
God will always be with me. He is always there. He does not abandon His children. Even though the child may not want to talk to Him, to listen to Him, to do what He commands, He is always there. I may have gone through some rough periods recently, even insofar as not wanting to speak with Him, or pray to Him, or look to His guidance. But it's not as if I said to myself "look, God has left you; he is no longer here." As surely as I breathe, the Lord is with me. When we submit to God, when we're baptized, that is the true point of no return in our lives. We cannot go back to who we were. Everything has changed. Things that gave us pleasure, now give us pain, because we know it gives God pain. Things we may have delighted in doing, now we understand, we know, God is with us, and if we thought He may not have been watching or caring before, we certainly know now He is fixed on us. Not in judgement but in love. He is there, hovering over us, as He hovered over the earth in ancient times, keeping us in His neverending view.
When I sin now, when I actively attempt to disengage myself from the Lord, it's a pretty useless effort. I may succeed in sinning, but there is a part of me, deep inside, that let's me know "Tim, this is not for you; there is so much more in store for you that I have waiting". I know this is not my conscience, because I've had that thing all my life, and it never used to say things like that to me. I know what I hear is the Holy Spirit, working with the Lord my God, & His Son, my Savior, in order that I may persevere in righteousness and faith and hope, and most of all, that I may see His love as the only thing I ever need focus on. To borrow a quote from a good friend,
"amor vincit omnia"
2.What has satan done to try snatching it away from you? How has he attempted to make you doubt it or discount it?
He plays on my weakness of sometimes wanting to have the old life mixed with the new. He uses my lust for the experience of sensation to make me long for doing and being in the old way of life that I can. And when that doesn't work, he'll throw my sins right back in my face, all the stupid, moronic, hurtful, evil things I had done in my past to everyone and everything I knew, in hopes of making my will weak and to not wish to believe the Lord can take such pain away.
I think it funny, right now, I was thinking about how God says he shall always be like the serpent, forever striking at our heel. At the very same time, the image of Achilles popped in my head, and how the Achille's heel, how it was the one spot on the greatest warrior who ever was a man (Jesus was God & Man, so he trumps, but you get the point) that could cause damage. Even the mighty Achilles, he fell before he ever knew, because his sin was pride. He wished his name to be remembered through the ages, and while it's true it may be known by many, with long enough time it shall fade away. How greater may he have been as a father, or as a family man? His hand was not stayed because of pride, and pride is what led the arrow straight to his fall.
The enemy knows much about me, knows about my past, knows my likes and dislikes, knows what can set me off, knows what turns me on, knows where my weaknesses and strengths lie. But, he knows the truth. And this truth is I have given my life to the Lord. And he despises me for it, and wishes nothing but evil to be poured on me. He will always use his considerable power to tempt me, but I know the Lord, and I trust Him to deliver me in the face of my enemies. Simply knowing God, and being in a relationship with Him, makes me stronger than satan could ever hope to be. I have chosen the light of life over the shadow of darkness. And though the war may be over, there will always be battles to fight in the name of the the Almighty. It's my job to be prepared as God's warrior.
May the enemy fear the ground I walk upon, for it is the feet of the Lord who walk with me.
*reflection
What are some of the key ingredients of fertile "soil"? What few things have kept you most open to retaining, germinating, and bearing fruit with the implanted Word?
I have to first seek His "soil". I can't just let it fall on my path, start to take root, then disregard it's message. I also can't let myself get caught up in the world, though at times, things like bills, my place in life, where I am, where I will be going, these can trump my seeking, though only temporarily.
I must be willing to be obedient to the Lord. I must be willing to say to myself "He knows better for me than I know for myself," and accept what is happening in my life. I also must, in my obedience, be willing to actually be obedient. Too often in my life, and I'm sure in other people's lives, do we hear His Word, say we're listening, and then we don't fulfill that obedience, or we're partially obedient. Even as I write this now, I know there are still areas in my life that has a form of partial obedience to Him, even though I wish to know Him and glorify Him. There sometimes is an innate fear that if we give everything over to Him, there will be nothing left of joy in our world, because we're so afraid that we will receive nothing back, or that nothing will fill in the whole where we were keeping those areas of partial obedience.
I have to be open to the idea that God hears my prayers. That when I talk to Him, he receives my words, and though He may not agree, or give me the things I ask, or do what I 'tell' Him, I have to know that He is there, sitting, patiently maintaining His perfect interest in me, in hopes that my prayers will lead me to a closer, more open spot of understanding with Him. He can never not listen, for He is God. He will always hear my crys, my pleas, but it is up to me to make sure that I am crying for the right cries, that I am pleaing with Him for the right pleas.
The super-awesome movie Point Break, 1990, you all remember it? Keanu Reeves & Patrick Swayze? Yeah, that's right, let those memories flood back in....anyways, Patrick Swayze says in the film,
"If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price."
I ask you now, as I even ask this of myself, do you want the Ultimate? Do you seek Him? And if, in the moment you have found Him, are you willing to pay that Ultimate price?
A strong question to be sure. But strong questions usually indicate fierce truth behind them....
Amen.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus...day 33
(action points Luke 7:49-50)
1. I don't know what you have been saved from. But I know what I have - and I know what these words say to me : "Go in peace." What do they say to you?
Last night, in bed, with the lights off, I felt the enemy confronting me with my many sins of my past life. With the terrible, terrible things I'd done to myself, to my friends, to my family, to all those who were ever a part of my past life. It was so overwhelming to me, that I began to cry. The moment I remembered one terrible thing, another popped in my head, right behind it, screaming to me, making me know what it was I've done. What shameful acts I willingly chose to do.
While it's true the enemy is powerful, it is up to us to have chosen what is right or wrong, what should be done, or what shouldn't be done. And so many times, in my past, so many ways did I choose what I knew to be wrong. Did I choose the very thing I should have never subjected my life to. When I first met my pastor, Jarrett, we met at the Easter celebration, but then got together to meet for coffee and have a chat.
I had no idea what to expect, other than I wanted to give him a basic rundown of my life, and what I'd done and gone through. What I anticipated to be a twenty minute conversation must have turned into roughly 2 or 3 hours. I didn't know there was so much that had to come out. In the end, after he had listened to everything I had to account for in my life, maybe save for those few things that were just too painful to bring up, he said to me, with no ill-intent or malice
"so what you're saying is, for all your life, you've felt like you've been nothing but a monster, and that there was never a place here on Earth for you"
He was the first person, besides myself in my own private thoughts, to label me with the term 'monster'. As stated, he wasn't saying this to be hurtful or mean, he was saying it so he knew he was understanding, and I think, to a degree, so that someone else could finally see the amount of pain my life was in.
I sometimes committ the sin of envy, when I think of people who have been raised in a predominantly faithful life. Maybe their parents were a Pastor or Missionary, or perhaps they were in youth groups and had some form of participation in the Church. And while I know they have faced struggles, and trials, and tribulations, it's sometimes envious of me to think how theirs must have been pale in comparison to the things that my life went through. It is true that each of us have a hard life, that the things that challenge, test, break, and rebuild us, for each person, could never be equally measured against another person, but sometimes, It has hurt to think of how much intense pain I went through because of what I viewed myself as.
I attend a weekly web service, and I hope I'm quoting the Pastor right, which he may be quoting someone else, when he says "peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of Jesus".
So when I look at the statement, "Go in Peace," what I see is "Be with Jesus". Know that He is with you, that He listens to you, that He will always be there for you. He will never grow tired of you, or of me. He will always rejoice in knowing us, and knowing that we have been given to Him because He gave us to Our Father, who loved Him so much that He gave Himself for us. Jesus will always be ready to hear what I have to say. He will always be ready to tell me what I should do, to show me how I can get through the storm, to know, that I will always be in Him. Go in Peace....be with the Lord. Always.... :)
2. What is satan perhaps using in your life right now to stop your "going" and to bottle up your "peace"?
The enemy knows many tricks, many tactics, many ways to stop me from thinking the 'peace' is with me. Over these last two weeks, especially this last past week, he's been using the past of my life, the doubt of results, and the fear of the unknown, to attempt to keep me in a standstill. And, sad to report, he has had a measure of temporary success. I haven't taken a step back, but I certainly did feel for a moment or two that I've lost my footing.
I've already spoken on what went through my mind this past weekend with remembering how close I was to killing myself 11 years ago. To think, I would have given him a soul through my action. To think, I was ready to die, to believe I was of no worth to anything. Lies, lies, lies! He is a smooth operator. He will attempt at the same time, to woo you and to degrade you. He mocks you by 'lifting' you up while all the while he is looking to put me down. This weekend I drowned myself in substances and mindsets that have no place in the temple of Christ, and I got myself inebriated in the Lord's home.
But, I have seen the cost of my actions, the cost of giving in and listening to the thoughts and whispers of the enemy, and I am becoming better at recognizing his cheap parlor tricks as I grow in knowing the Almighty God. The enemy no longer has any strongholds in my body, but he will constantly attack, looking for weak points in the wall and the armor, hoping to pierce me. In shielding myself in the Lord, I know that I can find the strength that I myself lack alone to fight the enemy. My trust in God, my strength comes from knowing He will protect me, this is what fortifies my castle. This is what makes my armor indestructable.
Before, the enemy may have been above me, in my believing he is more powerful than I am. And while it may be true, that I alone could not fight him, I fight with the might of Jesus Christ inside me. I fight knowing the Lord has already claimed victory. My submission to God was my battle cry of allegiance to Him. No enemy can stand in the face of God's army. It is my hope that I shall continue to grow in this, and that you readers shall come to see this as absolute truth.
We are made mighty before Him, for He has made us strong in His mercy & grace.
In His name,
Amen
1. I don't know what you have been saved from. But I know what I have - and I know what these words say to me : "Go in peace." What do they say to you?
Last night, in bed, with the lights off, I felt the enemy confronting me with my many sins of my past life. With the terrible, terrible things I'd done to myself, to my friends, to my family, to all those who were ever a part of my past life. It was so overwhelming to me, that I began to cry. The moment I remembered one terrible thing, another popped in my head, right behind it, screaming to me, making me know what it was I've done. What shameful acts I willingly chose to do.
While it's true the enemy is powerful, it is up to us to have chosen what is right or wrong, what should be done, or what shouldn't be done. And so many times, in my past, so many ways did I choose what I knew to be wrong. Did I choose the very thing I should have never subjected my life to. When I first met my pastor, Jarrett, we met at the Easter celebration, but then got together to meet for coffee and have a chat.
I had no idea what to expect, other than I wanted to give him a basic rundown of my life, and what I'd done and gone through. What I anticipated to be a twenty minute conversation must have turned into roughly 2 or 3 hours. I didn't know there was so much that had to come out. In the end, after he had listened to everything I had to account for in my life, maybe save for those few things that were just too painful to bring up, he said to me, with no ill-intent or malice
"so what you're saying is, for all your life, you've felt like you've been nothing but a monster, and that there was never a place here on Earth for you"
He was the first person, besides myself in my own private thoughts, to label me with the term 'monster'. As stated, he wasn't saying this to be hurtful or mean, he was saying it so he knew he was understanding, and I think, to a degree, so that someone else could finally see the amount of pain my life was in.
I sometimes committ the sin of envy, when I think of people who have been raised in a predominantly faithful life. Maybe their parents were a Pastor or Missionary, or perhaps they were in youth groups and had some form of participation in the Church. And while I know they have faced struggles, and trials, and tribulations, it's sometimes envious of me to think how theirs must have been pale in comparison to the things that my life went through. It is true that each of us have a hard life, that the things that challenge, test, break, and rebuild us, for each person, could never be equally measured against another person, but sometimes, It has hurt to think of how much intense pain I went through because of what I viewed myself as.
I attend a weekly web service, and I hope I'm quoting the Pastor right, which he may be quoting someone else, when he says "peace is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of Jesus".
So when I look at the statement, "Go in Peace," what I see is "Be with Jesus". Know that He is with you, that He listens to you, that He will always be there for you. He will never grow tired of you, or of me. He will always rejoice in knowing us, and knowing that we have been given to Him because He gave us to Our Father, who loved Him so much that He gave Himself for us. Jesus will always be ready to hear what I have to say. He will always be ready to tell me what I should do, to show me how I can get through the storm, to know, that I will always be in Him. Go in Peace....be with the Lord. Always.... :)
2. What is satan perhaps using in your life right now to stop your "going" and to bottle up your "peace"?
The enemy knows many tricks, many tactics, many ways to stop me from thinking the 'peace' is with me. Over these last two weeks, especially this last past week, he's been using the past of my life, the doubt of results, and the fear of the unknown, to attempt to keep me in a standstill. And, sad to report, he has had a measure of temporary success. I haven't taken a step back, but I certainly did feel for a moment or two that I've lost my footing.
I've already spoken on what went through my mind this past weekend with remembering how close I was to killing myself 11 years ago. To think, I would have given him a soul through my action. To think, I was ready to die, to believe I was of no worth to anything. Lies, lies, lies! He is a smooth operator. He will attempt at the same time, to woo you and to degrade you. He mocks you by 'lifting' you up while all the while he is looking to put me down. This weekend I drowned myself in substances and mindsets that have no place in the temple of Christ, and I got myself inebriated in the Lord's home.
But, I have seen the cost of my actions, the cost of giving in and listening to the thoughts and whispers of the enemy, and I am becoming better at recognizing his cheap parlor tricks as I grow in knowing the Almighty God. The enemy no longer has any strongholds in my body, but he will constantly attack, looking for weak points in the wall and the armor, hoping to pierce me. In shielding myself in the Lord, I know that I can find the strength that I myself lack alone to fight the enemy. My trust in God, my strength comes from knowing He will protect me, this is what fortifies my castle. This is what makes my armor indestructable.
Before, the enemy may have been above me, in my believing he is more powerful than I am. And while it may be true, that I alone could not fight him, I fight with the might of Jesus Christ inside me. I fight knowing the Lord has already claimed victory. My submission to God was my battle cry of allegiance to Him. No enemy can stand in the face of God's army. It is my hope that I shall continue to grow in this, and that you readers shall come to see this as absolute truth.
We are made mighty before Him, for He has made us strong in His mercy & grace.
In His name,
Amen
Monday, January 24, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus...day 32, 2nd take
(action points Luke 7:39-48)
1. Most of us would be terrified for our thoughts to be heard and broadcast like this. How liberating would it be, though, if we were pure enough inside to not be ashamed?
I imagine, as humans, in our moments when there is a beautiful moment, or we want to get our point across, or something incredible has just taken place, and we tend to sometimes says "if I only had the words..." I imagine, if we could speak plainly, with absolute truth, which ultimately comes from absolute love, that our words would always serve to piece the hearts of others with goodness and hope. We'd never look to lie, deceive, or have to sugarcoat things. Even in the event of "criticism", it would be done in such a way that its base constructive asset would be ultized fully, and there would be no shame in speakign such truth.
If you speak from a place of truth, from the place where the Lord would have your words come from, instead of the place of flesh and body, where our words tend to reside more often than not, you would never worry or fear or doubt the words that come out of your mouth. You would never say more than needed, and you would never say less than needed. What would be spoken would be exactly as it was supposed to be.
Do you think that Christ ever used more words than He was supposed to, or needed to? Do you think He ever second-guessed what He said, or thought that He could have relayed it better? Of course not. Even the very words that were spoken through the physical body of the Living God, even those words were exactly and precisely chosen, having never been lost in any internal/external translation.
Yet, we, in our human form, always look to hide what we're thinking, because most times, it's as if we want to spit out venom. As if we're competing with these other creatures for placement somewhere, some sort of hierarchy of trust and devotion, from a pure human sense. Thank God He gave us mouths and tongues, and a mind where we can have words in our head that aren't the same as what we say. But this too, is only another form of being able to submit to Him. To ask Him to guide the words on the inside of us, as well as outside of us, that they may be worthy of Him, and Him alone. So that should we ever rebuke a person, it is not from our own selfish reasons, but from the Lord God Almighty, that His Word be channeled through us properly, that its message may be heard by its intended recipient.
I thank the Lord, for His cleansing of our bodies and minds, both inside and out. That He chose to cleanse all of us, and not just part of us.
2. In very practical terms, what could you do to improve the quality of your thought life?
Well, two things, which are sort of one in the same. Pray more/have an open dialogue with the Lord, and immerse myself in His Word. Chances are, if you're praying, or reading the good book daily, and seeking it's knowledge and truth and love, chances are your thoughts will become more focused, more precise, more consistent to what He desires of us.
I'd say it would also do good to recognize moments when you are feeling as though you may be judging, looking down upon, speaking evil, speaking untruths. We all know these moments in conversation. We may be piling on a friend, or we may be looking down at someone's struggle, and see we're not, so we're elevated and they aren't. At moments like these, pause, step back, recognize that what we are doing is inviting sin to have a place at the Lord's temple, which cannot and should not happen, because they can be no sin in the Lord's presence; He is too Holy for such a thing.
If all else fails, have a little tablet in your pocket with a pen. Every moment you notice where you are thinking impure thoughts, untrue thoughts, damaging, distressing, depressing, destroying thoughts, take out the tablet and make a hash mark. Pretty soon, by the end of the day, you will have done either one of two things. You'll either have filled up the tablet incredibly quickly, or you'll have spotted the very places where your thoughts seem to go off the beaten path, and you'll stop yourself from having them. The point is, you want the tablet to basically be empty. You don't want it filled up. If it's constantly filling up day after day, then you are doing something wrong, for you're recognizing and acknowledging each moment you say or do something impure, but you're doing nothing to give it over to Him so He may have that victory. Make your thoughts and actions submit to the Lord, so that He may know through and through your devotion and submission lie with Christ Jesus. That you wish not to let such sinful ways reside in His temple, in His body, in His home....
*reflection
What does it mean to love God "with all your mind"?
To not be an empty shell. To not be a Pharisee. To not go around, talking on how good God is, how much He loves everyone, how Holy His ways are, how He has changed you, if on the inside, you're doing nothing to give over to Him completely.
Our mind is where everything happens. Sure, the heart pumps blood, the brain sends the signals, but the mind is what makes everything go. It's where our conscious state is. It is the true battleground of good & evil. The enemy may assault you in physical ways, but he knows this is simply a tactic at fighting you inside.
Everyday, to wake up, to know you have been given life, because of God, and what He wants to give you, this thought alone, His love for you, should be all that is needed to tell your mind "He died for me, so that I may live for Him" Strive to make all your thoughts, all your internal musings, seek to make them a gift unto Him, that He may invade your mind, walk around it, check things out, and find it is a beautiful temple dedicated to His glory, to be in service to Him. To want to know Him through all His ways, whatever they may be, no matter what that cost is.
We cannot serve the Lord with all our body, our heart, and our strength, if we do not first serve Him with our mind. Our mind is where we learn that we love Him, our heart is where that love is grown from in knowing such love, and our body and spirit are dedicated to Him through love, so that we may give ourselves completely over to His ways.
I sometimes know so much, yet I do so little with this knowledge I have been given. This is one of many things I need to give over to the Lord, so that when He walks through my mind, he finds that beautiful place I was writing about. The place where He will find my love for Him...
Amen.
1. Most of us would be terrified for our thoughts to be heard and broadcast like this. How liberating would it be, though, if we were pure enough inside to not be ashamed?
I imagine, as humans, in our moments when there is a beautiful moment, or we want to get our point across, or something incredible has just taken place, and we tend to sometimes says "if I only had the words..." I imagine, if we could speak plainly, with absolute truth, which ultimately comes from absolute love, that our words would always serve to piece the hearts of others with goodness and hope. We'd never look to lie, deceive, or have to sugarcoat things. Even in the event of "criticism", it would be done in such a way that its base constructive asset would be ultized fully, and there would be no shame in speakign such truth.
If you speak from a place of truth, from the place where the Lord would have your words come from, instead of the place of flesh and body, where our words tend to reside more often than not, you would never worry or fear or doubt the words that come out of your mouth. You would never say more than needed, and you would never say less than needed. What would be spoken would be exactly as it was supposed to be.
Do you think that Christ ever used more words than He was supposed to, or needed to? Do you think He ever second-guessed what He said, or thought that He could have relayed it better? Of course not. Even the very words that were spoken through the physical body of the Living God, even those words were exactly and precisely chosen, having never been lost in any internal/external translation.
Yet, we, in our human form, always look to hide what we're thinking, because most times, it's as if we want to spit out venom. As if we're competing with these other creatures for placement somewhere, some sort of hierarchy of trust and devotion, from a pure human sense. Thank God He gave us mouths and tongues, and a mind where we can have words in our head that aren't the same as what we say. But this too, is only another form of being able to submit to Him. To ask Him to guide the words on the inside of us, as well as outside of us, that they may be worthy of Him, and Him alone. So that should we ever rebuke a person, it is not from our own selfish reasons, but from the Lord God Almighty, that His Word be channeled through us properly, that its message may be heard by its intended recipient.
I thank the Lord, for His cleansing of our bodies and minds, both inside and out. That He chose to cleanse all of us, and not just part of us.
2. In very practical terms, what could you do to improve the quality of your thought life?
Well, two things, which are sort of one in the same. Pray more/have an open dialogue with the Lord, and immerse myself in His Word. Chances are, if you're praying, or reading the good book daily, and seeking it's knowledge and truth and love, chances are your thoughts will become more focused, more precise, more consistent to what He desires of us.
I'd say it would also do good to recognize moments when you are feeling as though you may be judging, looking down upon, speaking evil, speaking untruths. We all know these moments in conversation. We may be piling on a friend, or we may be looking down at someone's struggle, and see we're not, so we're elevated and they aren't. At moments like these, pause, step back, recognize that what we are doing is inviting sin to have a place at the Lord's temple, which cannot and should not happen, because they can be no sin in the Lord's presence; He is too Holy for such a thing.
If all else fails, have a little tablet in your pocket with a pen. Every moment you notice where you are thinking impure thoughts, untrue thoughts, damaging, distressing, depressing, destroying thoughts, take out the tablet and make a hash mark. Pretty soon, by the end of the day, you will have done either one of two things. You'll either have filled up the tablet incredibly quickly, or you'll have spotted the very places where your thoughts seem to go off the beaten path, and you'll stop yourself from having them. The point is, you want the tablet to basically be empty. You don't want it filled up. If it's constantly filling up day after day, then you are doing something wrong, for you're recognizing and acknowledging each moment you say or do something impure, but you're doing nothing to give it over to Him so He may have that victory. Make your thoughts and actions submit to the Lord, so that He may know through and through your devotion and submission lie with Christ Jesus. That you wish not to let such sinful ways reside in His temple, in His body, in His home....
*reflection
What does it mean to love God "with all your mind"?
To not be an empty shell. To not be a Pharisee. To not go around, talking on how good God is, how much He loves everyone, how Holy His ways are, how He has changed you, if on the inside, you're doing nothing to give over to Him completely.
Our mind is where everything happens. Sure, the heart pumps blood, the brain sends the signals, but the mind is what makes everything go. It's where our conscious state is. It is the true battleground of good & evil. The enemy may assault you in physical ways, but he knows this is simply a tactic at fighting you inside.
Everyday, to wake up, to know you have been given life, because of God, and what He wants to give you, this thought alone, His love for you, should be all that is needed to tell your mind "He died for me, so that I may live for Him" Strive to make all your thoughts, all your internal musings, seek to make them a gift unto Him, that He may invade your mind, walk around it, check things out, and find it is a beautiful temple dedicated to His glory, to be in service to Him. To want to know Him through all His ways, whatever they may be, no matter what that cost is.
We cannot serve the Lord with all our body, our heart, and our strength, if we do not first serve Him with our mind. Our mind is where we learn that we love Him, our heart is where that love is grown from in knowing such love, and our body and spirit are dedicated to Him through love, so that we may give ourselves completely over to His ways.
I sometimes know so much, yet I do so little with this knowledge I have been given. This is one of many things I need to give over to the Lord, so that when He walks through my mind, he finds that beautiful place I was writing about. The place where He will find my love for Him...
Amen.
Frustrated with the choice of 'self' and not 'selfless'
This weekend was definitely a weekend to forget.
It all started a few days before, in finding out that a friend's wife smokes weed, and told me he could pick up anytime for me. Well, wait, scratch that. He had told me this a few weeks ago, and circumstances as they were, seemed to always not present their self, so I stopped really botherin to try or think about it, even went so far as saying to myself "okay God, you don't want me smoking". Well, I was wrong
And then one day last week, I happened to be coming into work when they were leaving, I had some extra cash on me, which, I couldn't tell you why I had it, it was just there, in my pocket, whispering reminders to me about weed, and when I saw him, I gave him the money.
So, all day Friday, while at work, I was waiting for him to stop by as planned, and was going to get my smoke on Friday night. But, wouldn't you know it, he never showed up. I was frustrated and disappointed all in the same, mad b/c I'd already given up the money, having nothing to show for it. Every time the little chime on our door rang, I looked over, hoping it was him. Needless to say, that in itself grew frustrating as well.
By the end of the night, I was tired, annoyed, wanted to go home, wanted to be fucked up. Just wanted to have a session of self-distortion, to just take my mind off everything. Now, it had dawned on me, with no sense of irony as shit always seems to dawn on me exactly when it's supposed to, that 11 years ago, that very night, was when I tried to kill myself. I don't know if subconsciously somewhere, my body was trying to play this on me, getting me to remember about this night, and that's what drove me to want to drink or smoke, I'm not sure. It wasn't as if I said to myself "ya know, Tim, I think you should get fucked up in rememberence". No, wasn't like that at all, but the urge to drink or do a drug was there.
So, not having any weed, which I'd say, in my past, I think I'd always prefer because it doesn't leave you with the feelings/emotive state that I'll discuss later in this email, I went to buy some booze. No beer, just my mike's hard lemonade and a four loco, which is still on the shelves, even though the nation had it's little panic freak out stint a few months back...just so happens the last time I drank any of it was during that time, and when I'd gotten so sickdrunk that i thought it best to sleep on my bathroom floor that night. Not a very good feeling, to be sure.
I came home, had my drinks, had no one around to talk to, as everyone was off on their own friday nights, either with friends or girl or boyfriends, or having plans of some sort. I was very lonely on this night, and it wasn't a good idea, in fact it was just dumb, of me to want to drink alone, especially knowing the significance of what the date held. I sometimes wonder why God gave me such a pennance for remembering dates and times with almost an instantaneous, transportive type of feeling. I've never understood why when I remember things like that, it's as if I'm there, reliving the emotions, feelings, senses all over again. When so much of your past was a seemingly unending supply of depression and sadness, it makes you wonder why you were blessed with such a well-remembering memory system.
Saturday rolls around, and all I feel is the bloating in my body of having drank the night before. I wouldn't say I was necessarily hung over, but I was certainly feeling the effects of having the toxicity of the alcohol rolling through my system. You know what I mean. Your muscles and veins feel as if they've been infected, injected with something they know shouldn't be there, and it makes you sluggish, makes your strength dissipate, and generally makes your ability to feel good, from a physical standpoint, almost non-existent.
All day at work, I was feeling the effects. Felt tired, felt slow, felt bleh. And of course, my friend shows up that day, said he was sorry that he didn't show up the day before, things got long in the day. He ends up also telling me he forgot the weed at home, and he'd bring it the next day. Now, that feeling inside, when you've paid for something, been promised a delivery date, the date passes, and when you see the person, they still don't have it? You have to do your best to be nice, to be cordial, to not wanna be all "what the fuck!" about it? Yeah, I had to have that set of emotions working, except I was feeling the residual effects of my hangover, which, wasnt' a fully hangover, but it certainly had some parts of me hanging. By the end of the night, I'm frustrated again, still feeling the effects of the previous nights' "fun", and still left without weed.
Sunday, I get to work, trying not to think about it, figuring if I think too much on it showing up that day, then if it doesn't, I'll just be more gaaah, so I don't. But this time, the friend comes through, he has it ready for me, and now I'm feeling in a much better mood. The ahhhhh of having the thing you originally set out for, not a cheap imitation or all the unwanted effects that imitation brought with it.
I left work that day, came home, watched football, and then late in the night, did my thing, rolled my stuff, and smoke half a blunt. But I was almost rolling through the motions, doing this thing. Realizing, or wondering in my mind as I did it, "do I really need this?" "do you really want this, Tim?" "is this what you live for, work for, earn money for?" To be sure, I now, in hindsight, wonder if it was God asking me these things in my head, and me ignoring them, or if it was me, realizing this through what God has taught me. I'm not totally sure of it, but it probably was a combination of both.
So, I smoked. watched some tv. watched a movie, played on the computer, but of course, no one was around to talk with. That's one part of smoking weed that I did enjoy very much in my past, was having long, in-depth, out there conversations about any and everything, just sort of going with the flow of the meld. In my smoke-filled "fun", I enjoyed munching on many snacks, just basically gorging myself on food. Stuff I knew I shouldn't be doing. Stuff I didn't want to do because I know I've been putting myself through working out lately, trying to become master to my body and not the other way around. And yet, Sunday night, here I was, so completely giving into my urges, saying 'fuck it all, it doesn't matter'. Heck, I've managed to be able to get myself in the next size down pair of pants since I've been working out, whereas, a month ago, it was a private battle just trying to make the effort to buckle them, so I know there have been results coming through, even if I didn't want to acknowledge it.
I came in my room, and fell asleep, and had a decent amount of straight-through rest. That was always something I also enjoyed with smoking. The idea I could actually get a good solid 7 to 8 hours of sleep without tossing and turning and waking up all night long.
When I woke up today, I realized, as I opened my eyes, that I'd fallen asleep with my contacts in, which I swore I'd taken out, but guess I didn't. I'll get more into them a few minutes later.
I was planning on just taking the day off, resting, relaxing, recovering. Then I got the itch to go see a movie, so I got up, got dressed, and was going to head to work and pick up my check, then hit the flick. Now, the same way that you have that bloated next day feeling from drinking, it's the same sort of thing when you smoke, especially if you've eaten a bunch of food or crappy munchies the night before, which I did. All of it just feels like it's sitting in your stomach, a big lump of junk-food that's powered by chips, candy, cake, all kinds of shit.
When I got to work, I decided I was gonna eat lunch. My eyes were killing me with that whole cloudy milky thing that happens to your vision when you've slept in contacts, and they just felt really dry and really sore. At this point, I feel like I want to pick out. I had two sets of meals, a salad plate, and two food plates, which I then did a second order of. This just left me feeling immensely bloated, and made me not want to go sit in a movie theater for two hours, digesting all this crap and having the ugh feeling throughout the day.
So I came home, changed clothes, hopped in bed to do a little comp surfing. But my eyes, my eyes, my eyes! O the humanity! Erm, so yeah, my eyes, they just didn't want to cooperate. They were watering and itchy and it hurt to hold them open if just for a few moments without wanting to rub them, which was becoming painful. I did the smart thing-I took a 4 hour nap. Woke up, watched House, still having the funny blurry vision, so I took the contacts out and am now typing this entry.
What, if anything, have I learned from all this? First, I'm stupid, immature, and irresponsible for having brought weed into my parents house. For having let it consumed me so much that I made the decision to say it's something that's okay to do. And I know it's not, I know it was wrong of me. I don't like that I did it, I don't like that I was so weak that I let the desire for it overpower in me the willpower to serve God. I know that I didn't need to drink myself into my sorrows and my past on Friday night, but I did. There was some part of me, some part I don't have under control yet because I haven't brought it to God to let Him show me how to rule over it in His name, some part of me that wanted me to drown myself in wallow and sadness.
I used to think I could be a functional, controlling, in power, pot smoker. But these past few days, especially today, have shown me, through my own stupidity, that I have no such power. That I led myself to eating 6 plates of food, for no reason but to be a glutton and just consume. To eat all that crappy junk food last night that may vfery well still be digesting in my belly right now, saying "yup, we're going right to your fat cells, bucko". With eating like I partook in this weekend, I may have easily set my physical progress of working out back by a week, and mental progress, while not set back, took a major blow.
Through this all, I know God is here. I don't know if He's angry right now, though He has every right to be, and there's nothing for me to stand on. But I believe moreso He may be disappointed in me, for thinking I needed these things in my life to allow me happiness, instead of finding such joy in Him alone. I didn't really pray or talk to Him very much these past few ways, I'm being a kid who doesn't want to take His Father's advice, and wanted to think that I was in control, that I was in charge, that I knew what I was doing. The urge, the desire, to give into the demands, and they are demands, of the flesh, can sometimes be too overpowring. We want to give up. We want to give in. Just a touch. Just a pinch. Just a small little taste. It'll be alright. We can handle it. We're in control. We have nothing to worry about....
that's when you find yourself, waking the next day, feeling like a piece of shit disappointment to Your God, you family and friends, and to yourself. I know in doing what I've done this weekend has put me exactly where I am supposed to be. I should feel stupid about my decisions. I should feel guilty for doing what I did, and I do. I should feel wrong for betraying people's trust in me, and I do.
I know God loves me. I know He still loves me, despite this. I know He still wants the best for me. His mercies and grace and patience are neverending for me. I know, when I bring this to Him in prayer, and repent unto Him, and ask His forgiveness, in knowing I must not make amends, but turn to what is right in His eyes, that I will be forgiven, and it will be, like all other sin in my life, wiped away by His hands.
And so, if whoever reads this, may I ask for some lifting up in prayer? So that I may be filled with His strength that I may come to Him in all humilty, and not seek to hide my evil deeds from Him, so that I may bow down before Him and truly find the forgiveness that I know I must seek?
In His name, now and forever.....amen
It all started a few days before, in finding out that a friend's wife smokes weed, and told me he could pick up anytime for me. Well, wait, scratch that. He had told me this a few weeks ago, and circumstances as they were, seemed to always not present their self, so I stopped really botherin to try or think about it, even went so far as saying to myself "okay God, you don't want me smoking". Well, I was wrong
And then one day last week, I happened to be coming into work when they were leaving, I had some extra cash on me, which, I couldn't tell you why I had it, it was just there, in my pocket, whispering reminders to me about weed, and when I saw him, I gave him the money.
So, all day Friday, while at work, I was waiting for him to stop by as planned, and was going to get my smoke on Friday night. But, wouldn't you know it, he never showed up. I was frustrated and disappointed all in the same, mad b/c I'd already given up the money, having nothing to show for it. Every time the little chime on our door rang, I looked over, hoping it was him. Needless to say, that in itself grew frustrating as well.
By the end of the night, I was tired, annoyed, wanted to go home, wanted to be fucked up. Just wanted to have a session of self-distortion, to just take my mind off everything. Now, it had dawned on me, with no sense of irony as shit always seems to dawn on me exactly when it's supposed to, that 11 years ago, that very night, was when I tried to kill myself. I don't know if subconsciously somewhere, my body was trying to play this on me, getting me to remember about this night, and that's what drove me to want to drink or smoke, I'm not sure. It wasn't as if I said to myself "ya know, Tim, I think you should get fucked up in rememberence". No, wasn't like that at all, but the urge to drink or do a drug was there.
So, not having any weed, which I'd say, in my past, I think I'd always prefer because it doesn't leave you with the feelings/emotive state that I'll discuss later in this email, I went to buy some booze. No beer, just my mike's hard lemonade and a four loco, which is still on the shelves, even though the nation had it's little panic freak out stint a few months back...just so happens the last time I drank any of it was during that time, and when I'd gotten so sickdrunk that i thought it best to sleep on my bathroom floor that night. Not a very good feeling, to be sure.
I came home, had my drinks, had no one around to talk to, as everyone was off on their own friday nights, either with friends or girl or boyfriends, or having plans of some sort. I was very lonely on this night, and it wasn't a good idea, in fact it was just dumb, of me to want to drink alone, especially knowing the significance of what the date held. I sometimes wonder why God gave me such a pennance for remembering dates and times with almost an instantaneous, transportive type of feeling. I've never understood why when I remember things like that, it's as if I'm there, reliving the emotions, feelings, senses all over again. When so much of your past was a seemingly unending supply of depression and sadness, it makes you wonder why you were blessed with such a well-remembering memory system.
Saturday rolls around, and all I feel is the bloating in my body of having drank the night before. I wouldn't say I was necessarily hung over, but I was certainly feeling the effects of having the toxicity of the alcohol rolling through my system. You know what I mean. Your muscles and veins feel as if they've been infected, injected with something they know shouldn't be there, and it makes you sluggish, makes your strength dissipate, and generally makes your ability to feel good, from a physical standpoint, almost non-existent.
All day at work, I was feeling the effects. Felt tired, felt slow, felt bleh. And of course, my friend shows up that day, said he was sorry that he didn't show up the day before, things got long in the day. He ends up also telling me he forgot the weed at home, and he'd bring it the next day. Now, that feeling inside, when you've paid for something, been promised a delivery date, the date passes, and when you see the person, they still don't have it? You have to do your best to be nice, to be cordial, to not wanna be all "what the fuck!" about it? Yeah, I had to have that set of emotions working, except I was feeling the residual effects of my hangover, which, wasnt' a fully hangover, but it certainly had some parts of me hanging. By the end of the night, I'm frustrated again, still feeling the effects of the previous nights' "fun", and still left without weed.
Sunday, I get to work, trying not to think about it, figuring if I think too much on it showing up that day, then if it doesn't, I'll just be more gaaah, so I don't. But this time, the friend comes through, he has it ready for me, and now I'm feeling in a much better mood. The ahhhhh of having the thing you originally set out for, not a cheap imitation or all the unwanted effects that imitation brought with it.
I left work that day, came home, watched football, and then late in the night, did my thing, rolled my stuff, and smoke half a blunt. But I was almost rolling through the motions, doing this thing. Realizing, or wondering in my mind as I did it, "do I really need this?" "do you really want this, Tim?" "is this what you live for, work for, earn money for?" To be sure, I now, in hindsight, wonder if it was God asking me these things in my head, and me ignoring them, or if it was me, realizing this through what God has taught me. I'm not totally sure of it, but it probably was a combination of both.
So, I smoked. watched some tv. watched a movie, played on the computer, but of course, no one was around to talk with. That's one part of smoking weed that I did enjoy very much in my past, was having long, in-depth, out there conversations about any and everything, just sort of going with the flow of the meld. In my smoke-filled "fun", I enjoyed munching on many snacks, just basically gorging myself on food. Stuff I knew I shouldn't be doing. Stuff I didn't want to do because I know I've been putting myself through working out lately, trying to become master to my body and not the other way around. And yet, Sunday night, here I was, so completely giving into my urges, saying 'fuck it all, it doesn't matter'. Heck, I've managed to be able to get myself in the next size down pair of pants since I've been working out, whereas, a month ago, it was a private battle just trying to make the effort to buckle them, so I know there have been results coming through, even if I didn't want to acknowledge it.
I came in my room, and fell asleep, and had a decent amount of straight-through rest. That was always something I also enjoyed with smoking. The idea I could actually get a good solid 7 to 8 hours of sleep without tossing and turning and waking up all night long.
When I woke up today, I realized, as I opened my eyes, that I'd fallen asleep with my contacts in, which I swore I'd taken out, but guess I didn't. I'll get more into them a few minutes later.
I was planning on just taking the day off, resting, relaxing, recovering. Then I got the itch to go see a movie, so I got up, got dressed, and was going to head to work and pick up my check, then hit the flick. Now, the same way that you have that bloated next day feeling from drinking, it's the same sort of thing when you smoke, especially if you've eaten a bunch of food or crappy munchies the night before, which I did. All of it just feels like it's sitting in your stomach, a big lump of junk-food that's powered by chips, candy, cake, all kinds of shit.
When I got to work, I decided I was gonna eat lunch. My eyes were killing me with that whole cloudy milky thing that happens to your vision when you've slept in contacts, and they just felt really dry and really sore. At this point, I feel like I want to pick out. I had two sets of meals, a salad plate, and two food plates, which I then did a second order of. This just left me feeling immensely bloated, and made me not want to go sit in a movie theater for two hours, digesting all this crap and having the ugh feeling throughout the day.
So I came home, changed clothes, hopped in bed to do a little comp surfing. But my eyes, my eyes, my eyes! O the humanity! Erm, so yeah, my eyes, they just didn't want to cooperate. They were watering and itchy and it hurt to hold them open if just for a few moments without wanting to rub them, which was becoming painful. I did the smart thing-I took a 4 hour nap. Woke up, watched House, still having the funny blurry vision, so I took the contacts out and am now typing this entry.
What, if anything, have I learned from all this? First, I'm stupid, immature, and irresponsible for having brought weed into my parents house. For having let it consumed me so much that I made the decision to say it's something that's okay to do. And I know it's not, I know it was wrong of me. I don't like that I did it, I don't like that I was so weak that I let the desire for it overpower in me the willpower to serve God. I know that I didn't need to drink myself into my sorrows and my past on Friday night, but I did. There was some part of me, some part I don't have under control yet because I haven't brought it to God to let Him show me how to rule over it in His name, some part of me that wanted me to drown myself in wallow and sadness.
I used to think I could be a functional, controlling, in power, pot smoker. But these past few days, especially today, have shown me, through my own stupidity, that I have no such power. That I led myself to eating 6 plates of food, for no reason but to be a glutton and just consume. To eat all that crappy junk food last night that may vfery well still be digesting in my belly right now, saying "yup, we're going right to your fat cells, bucko". With eating like I partook in this weekend, I may have easily set my physical progress of working out back by a week, and mental progress, while not set back, took a major blow.
Through this all, I know God is here. I don't know if He's angry right now, though He has every right to be, and there's nothing for me to stand on. But I believe moreso He may be disappointed in me, for thinking I needed these things in my life to allow me happiness, instead of finding such joy in Him alone. I didn't really pray or talk to Him very much these past few ways, I'm being a kid who doesn't want to take His Father's advice, and wanted to think that I was in control, that I was in charge, that I knew what I was doing. The urge, the desire, to give into the demands, and they are demands, of the flesh, can sometimes be too overpowring. We want to give up. We want to give in. Just a touch. Just a pinch. Just a small little taste. It'll be alright. We can handle it. We're in control. We have nothing to worry about....
that's when you find yourself, waking the next day, feeling like a piece of shit disappointment to Your God, you family and friends, and to yourself. I know in doing what I've done this weekend has put me exactly where I am supposed to be. I should feel stupid about my decisions. I should feel guilty for doing what I did, and I do. I should feel wrong for betraying people's trust in me, and I do.
I know God loves me. I know He still loves me, despite this. I know He still wants the best for me. His mercies and grace and patience are neverending for me. I know, when I bring this to Him in prayer, and repent unto Him, and ask His forgiveness, in knowing I must not make amends, but turn to what is right in His eyes, that I will be forgiven, and it will be, like all other sin in my life, wiped away by His hands.
And so, if whoever reads this, may I ask for some lifting up in prayer? So that I may be filled with His strength that I may come to Him in all humilty, and not seek to hide my evil deeds from Him, so that I may bow down before Him and truly find the forgiveness that I know I must seek?
In His name, now and forever.....amen
Thursday, January 20, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus...day 32
(action points Luke 7:39-48)
1.Most of us would be terrified for our thoughts to be heard and broadcast like this.How liberating would it be, though, if we were pure enough inside not to be ashamed?
I was trying to read this and answer it, without my heart being in it. Without my head or soul to be in it. I'm just trying to go through the motions right now. You ever sin or do something stupid to yourself and you kind of feel like crap, but to feel like crap means you'd have to actually feel? Right now, I'm sort of just here. Or not here. Or both.
We're told we shouldn't pray to God with fake prayers, or prayers that don't have our hearts in them. And right now, I can't answer the questions tonight, nor do I feel like praying to Him. I know my words would be heard by God, but that doesn't mean He wants to heal a half-assed prayer.
Ironically, a movie on tv just had one of the main characters say "we can't do this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." And the other main character says "why not?"
It's fitting. It really is. At this moment, I'm completely and utterly not in the 24/7/365 mode. And it sucks to know that. Because ultimately it means at this moment, I'm basically choosing to not follow the Lord. To not give my everything to God.
I am sorry Lord. Please forgive me. And if my prayer is not true, as surely as you live, do not forgive me until I am truly ready for such forgiveness, and not the illusion of it.
Amen.
1.Most of us would be terrified for our thoughts to be heard and broadcast like this.How liberating would it be, though, if we were pure enough inside not to be ashamed?
I was trying to read this and answer it, without my heart being in it. Without my head or soul to be in it. I'm just trying to go through the motions right now. You ever sin or do something stupid to yourself and you kind of feel like crap, but to feel like crap means you'd have to actually feel? Right now, I'm sort of just here. Or not here. Or both.
We're told we shouldn't pray to God with fake prayers, or prayers that don't have our hearts in them. And right now, I can't answer the questions tonight, nor do I feel like praying to Him. I know my words would be heard by God, but that doesn't mean He wants to heal a half-assed prayer.
Ironically, a movie on tv just had one of the main characters say "we can't do this 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." And the other main character says "why not?"
It's fitting. It really is. At this moment, I'm completely and utterly not in the 24/7/365 mode. And it sucks to know that. Because ultimately it means at this moment, I'm basically choosing to not follow the Lord. To not give my everything to God.
I am sorry Lord. Please forgive me. And if my prayer is not true, as surely as you live, do not forgive me until I am truly ready for such forgiveness, and not the illusion of it.
Amen.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus...day 31
(action points Luke 7:36-38)
1. What types of people would you least enjoy spending an evening with? What is it about them that makes them so hard to be around?
Man, this could be a really long answer...racists, bigots, rude people, people with tempers, those who look to force their every belief on you, those who say their ways are better than yours and look to gloat about it, people who complain about everything. Rapists, thieves, murderers, to be sure I wouldn't want to eat with, but I don't know if I should necessarily be including them here, though I suppose why should I not be, right?
Would I want to invite someone into my home who thought they were better than me? Who perhaps didn't approve of my lifestyle choices? Who perhaps always told me that no matter what I did, from cutting the main course, to pouring the wine, to serving the bread, that I was going about it the wrong way? Should I look to entertain a person who would think themselves superior to me because of the color of my skin, or my age, or my gender?
Granted, we don't often get too many people at the table with us who are like that. It's not as if everyday one says to themself "gee, I think I'd love to have a group of KKK members over. And after that, maybe some Muslims....and the next night, how about some fanatical Christian fundamentalists? Sounds like a party!" Of course we avoid this. Our meal time is supposed to be one of peace, and of love, and friendship. To have a moment of shared community with friends and those we love.
Randomly, this just popped in my head. There was this old 'Unsolved Mysteries' episode I remember from my childhood. It told a story of a German family, set during WWII, and how there were American troops, who either parachuted in too far behind enemy lines, or simply got lost in their bearings. But because they were in the enemy land, they were to be killed or captured on sight. The family was gracious, and let them come in and rest themselves for the night. However; a little while later, a German patrol was out, and they also stopped by the house, not looking for anyone, but seeking to find a warm meal on the Christmas Eve night. The owner of the home, I believe it was a female, was honest, and told them that if they were to eat at her table, in her home, that they were to respect her wishes, and she informed them about the American soldiers. At first, they were hesitant, but agreed to her wishes.
Can you imagine that? Picture for a moment, a cold, dreary Christmas Eve night, in the middle of snow-filled Germany. A squad of American & German troops, both stopping off at the same home, being told "you shall set aside your differences, if only for this one night", and they agreed? As it turns out, the Americans all sat on one side, the German's on the other. The mother started serving the meal, and asked the table to hold hands in prayer, and everyone had to join as one being in order to accomplish this. Throughout the night, tensions eased, and the troops became cordial, even friendly to one another.
I would have never thought about it until now, but the thing that brought them together that night was the prayer. At the time, more than likely the dominant religion in the world would have been some form of Christianity, as most Germans were devout Christians, and most Americans in the 1940's would have been some form of Christian, be it Catholic or Protestant. It was the honor of this woman, and the love of the Lord that brought these men to set aside what differences they had. Here I am talking about how I'd hate to have a bigot or a complainer or a rude person at my table, in my home. Yet, here these soldiers were, men who had been given orders to engage the enemy in combat, to shoot them, to kill them. To take from them the gift of life that was bestowed upon them.
And, because of a prayer, because of their love, respect, and humility for God, they were given the gift of peace that night.
O Lord, how you Amaze me! If only we could learn to be such as these men!
2. How does a esire to be Christlike affect this feeling of yours? What would be different about your life if every wave of prejudice was silenced?
I almost don't like to say I just answered this question in the answer above, as it feels like I'm copping out of a question, but what I said above is true.
If we could look past the skin, past the gender, past the lifestyle. If we could see each other as Christ sees us, as beings in need of love and salvation, how wonderful that would be. The two greatest commandments Christ speaks of are loving the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind, and loving your neighbor as yourself.
Have I ever been rude? Have I ever complained? Have I ever been racist, or bigotted? I'm quite sure the answer is yes in some instances, and more yes in others. But does that mean I should think myself better than anyone else? Think myself more deserving of Christs' love than the next man? No, of course not. I should be humble before the Lord, and know that those in the world, though many have lost their way, and though some may never bother to look for it, that they are all equally loved in God's eyes, and He wants to save them as much as He wanted to save me.
Being in a relationship with the Living God, the Lord Almighty, is a very exclusive thing. But to be in this relationship means one should never believe that it's only for certain people. Christ died so that the world, the whole world, the Muslims, the Buddhists, the terrorists, the rapists, the child molestors, the animal abusers, the racists, the bigots, the left, the right, the middle, so that they may ALL have a chance at salvation. So that they all may have a chance to be free of this world, and be able to love the Lord their God, with all their body, soul, and mind.....
Amen.
1. What types of people would you least enjoy spending an evening with? What is it about them that makes them so hard to be around?
Man, this could be a really long answer...racists, bigots, rude people, people with tempers, those who look to force their every belief on you, those who say their ways are better than yours and look to gloat about it, people who complain about everything. Rapists, thieves, murderers, to be sure I wouldn't want to eat with, but I don't know if I should necessarily be including them here, though I suppose why should I not be, right?
Would I want to invite someone into my home who thought they were better than me? Who perhaps didn't approve of my lifestyle choices? Who perhaps always told me that no matter what I did, from cutting the main course, to pouring the wine, to serving the bread, that I was going about it the wrong way? Should I look to entertain a person who would think themselves superior to me because of the color of my skin, or my age, or my gender?
Granted, we don't often get too many people at the table with us who are like that. It's not as if everyday one says to themself "gee, I think I'd love to have a group of KKK members over. And after that, maybe some Muslims....and the next night, how about some fanatical Christian fundamentalists? Sounds like a party!" Of course we avoid this. Our meal time is supposed to be one of peace, and of love, and friendship. To have a moment of shared community with friends and those we love.
Randomly, this just popped in my head. There was this old 'Unsolved Mysteries' episode I remember from my childhood. It told a story of a German family, set during WWII, and how there were American troops, who either parachuted in too far behind enemy lines, or simply got lost in their bearings. But because they were in the enemy land, they were to be killed or captured on sight. The family was gracious, and let them come in and rest themselves for the night. However; a little while later, a German patrol was out, and they also stopped by the house, not looking for anyone, but seeking to find a warm meal on the Christmas Eve night. The owner of the home, I believe it was a female, was honest, and told them that if they were to eat at her table, in her home, that they were to respect her wishes, and she informed them about the American soldiers. At first, they were hesitant, but agreed to her wishes.
Can you imagine that? Picture for a moment, a cold, dreary Christmas Eve night, in the middle of snow-filled Germany. A squad of American & German troops, both stopping off at the same home, being told "you shall set aside your differences, if only for this one night", and they agreed? As it turns out, the Americans all sat on one side, the German's on the other. The mother started serving the meal, and asked the table to hold hands in prayer, and everyone had to join as one being in order to accomplish this. Throughout the night, tensions eased, and the troops became cordial, even friendly to one another.
I would have never thought about it until now, but the thing that brought them together that night was the prayer. At the time, more than likely the dominant religion in the world would have been some form of Christianity, as most Germans were devout Christians, and most Americans in the 1940's would have been some form of Christian, be it Catholic or Protestant. It was the honor of this woman, and the love of the Lord that brought these men to set aside what differences they had. Here I am talking about how I'd hate to have a bigot or a complainer or a rude person at my table, in my home. Yet, here these soldiers were, men who had been given orders to engage the enemy in combat, to shoot them, to kill them. To take from them the gift of life that was bestowed upon them.
And, because of a prayer, because of their love, respect, and humility for God, they were given the gift of peace that night.
O Lord, how you Amaze me! If only we could learn to be such as these men!
2. How does a esire to be Christlike affect this feeling of yours? What would be different about your life if every wave of prejudice was silenced?
I almost don't like to say I just answered this question in the answer above, as it feels like I'm copping out of a question, but what I said above is true.
If we could look past the skin, past the gender, past the lifestyle. If we could see each other as Christ sees us, as beings in need of love and salvation, how wonderful that would be. The two greatest commandments Christ speaks of are loving the Lord with all your heart, soul, and mind, and loving your neighbor as yourself.
Have I ever been rude? Have I ever complained? Have I ever been racist, or bigotted? I'm quite sure the answer is yes in some instances, and more yes in others. But does that mean I should think myself better than anyone else? Think myself more deserving of Christs' love than the next man? No, of course not. I should be humble before the Lord, and know that those in the world, though many have lost their way, and though some may never bother to look for it, that they are all equally loved in God's eyes, and He wants to save them as much as He wanted to save me.
Being in a relationship with the Living God, the Lord Almighty, is a very exclusive thing. But to be in this relationship means one should never believe that it's only for certain people. Christ died so that the world, the whole world, the Muslims, the Buddhists, the terrorists, the rapists, the child molestors, the animal abusers, the racists, the bigots, the left, the right, the middle, so that they may ALL have a chance at salvation. So that they all may have a chance to be free of this world, and be able to love the Lord their God, with all their body, soul, and mind.....
Amen.
90 Days w/Jesus...day 30
(action points Luke 7:23-30)
1. What are the greatest dangers of doubt? What problems does it cause, both to the doubter and to those who are nearby enough to listen and observe?
There is no greater danger than to lose hope, to lose faith, even the idea of faith, in terms of doubt. The movie 'The Usual Suspects' says the line "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist". I say, the second greatest trick the devil ever pulled was trying to convince the world Jesus doesn't exist.
Because man is a fallen creature, we are almost, on a constant basis, ready to reject the idea that there is an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God who wants to have a relationship with us. Yet, we doubt with as much veractiy, even sometimes a greater veracity, in believing that we are creatures who follow the ways of evil, who follow the ways of sin & death. If you asked the common person, I'm sure they'd say perhaps a God exists, but they know nothing about him. I bet you could ask them in the next breadth if they think that what they do in their life is eveil influence by evil spirits, evil forces, or a great incarnation of evil, they would adamantly reject the idea that this is a possibility, and, most likely, would 'preach' to you about all the good deeds they do, all the nice people they know, all the compassion and love they have in their heart.
Yet, according to scripture, all good acts outside of the Lord are nothing more than filthy rags, which, translated to original text, are a woman's menstrual wipes. Yeah. I went there. I'm not here to sugarcoat about any of this. We've been taught, through this world, that if we're a good person, we'll go to Heaven, or that God will always look out for us and be with us. While it's true God sees all, and all things are under His will, it doesn't mean God is always there for those who don't believe in Him. At best, He is there in a guiding role, looking to show us that there is a way for us to repent and turn to Him. At worst, He's set Himself completely against us, because we have, in fact, set ourselves completely against Him.
Ever go to a sports event, and find the one guy who's a diehard fan, but expects his team to choke? That's doubt in a nutshell. He has no sense of true belief, and because of this, he oozes it through his pores to everyone else around, looking to infect their own hopes, their own sense of belief, to make them think that the team can't win.
Now think in terms of hope and faith. Imagine a person, new, young, unknowing to the ways of scripture, or God, or church. Imagine someone who disagrees with their faith sitting next to them, talking to them about how hard everything always is, or how they haven't seen any results, or they'll never be free of ___________.
How do you think that would go over in this new person's mind? Do you think they're going to jump for joy and want to submit right then and there, to a God who seems to never be around? Or worse, to a God who doesn't seem to care?
John's doubts were, as written in the previous entry, doubts of his mind, but not his heart. He knew Jesus was the Messiah; he baptized him. But sitting in that prison cell, probably having his ass kicked, chained up to the wall, John was seriously going through some head doubt right then, thinking "yo, Jesus, what the fuck? Aren't I supposed to be out there with you, being saved?"
Or, as I spoke with someone today, look at the Disciples. The very men who lived with, ate with, shared stories with, and loved Jesus. They didn't believe they had the powers to remove a demon from a body, and He rebukes them, 'o ye of little faith', then proceeds to tell them about the parable of the mustard seed. Their doubt arose from them thinking they did not yield the same power as Jesus, but, that's where they were wrong. Jesus was filled with the Holy Spirit, the same Spirit that guided the Almighty God, and the very same Spirit that resided in their bodies. Jesus had no doubt of the power He had been given, but the disciples did.
They could have been filled with doubt from the rest of the townspeople. Imagine had they not been with Jesus all the time they were. One can only wonder how many roads of doubt would have landed right in front of them, how many words of rejection they could have potentially heard from the men & women of the world, from the people who did not truly believe.
He not only blessed them by taking them as his disciples, but He loved them enough to stick together in a tight-knit group, so that they would always have the source, right there in front of them, to cancel out any amount of words of doubt they may have been swayed to otherwise.
2. What is Jesus' response to doubt in His children? In what ways does He deal with us when when have honest questions?
First, Jesus tells us that while John is the greatest man born of woman, as he was the one who would call out and prepare the Lord's coming, He tells us that even the lowest in Heaven are greater still than this. He says basically as surely as you have believed in what this man has told you, and what you have become through your act of submission and repentance, you yourself are to have a great place in Heaven, greater than being simply a messenger of God's deliverance, but a shining example of His love, in which He will be pleased, as He was well pleased with His son.
The gift of Heaven is more than just a message of love. It IS love. We will become like God, only filled with Love. Everything else will be burned away like chaffe in the fire. O, how I wish the world could understand this. What God offers us is greater than anything, that ever was, is, or will be. He offers us a "oneship" with Him.
As for what He does when we have honest questions, He listens, with compassion. He stands in love, receiving our thoughts, or words, our emotions. He opens Himself to take our honesty, that He may reflect it back to us. At times, when we are troubled, or filled with dread and doubt, He hears our call loudly. He hears our lament.
Do you not think the Lord heard David's cry?
Do you not trust that the Lord was listening?
The Lord heard his people's call
And led them out of Egpyt for deliverence
Into providence
He listened with love over His Son's screams
The agony burning inside Him
Yet still, He delivered His Son unto salvation
We may believe His hand is cut off from us
But we are His body
We are the salt and light of the world
We are His
He will always listen
Amen.
1. What are the greatest dangers of doubt? What problems does it cause, both to the doubter and to those who are nearby enough to listen and observe?
There is no greater danger than to lose hope, to lose faith, even the idea of faith, in terms of doubt. The movie 'The Usual Suspects' says the line "the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist". I say, the second greatest trick the devil ever pulled was trying to convince the world Jesus doesn't exist.
Because man is a fallen creature, we are almost, on a constant basis, ready to reject the idea that there is an all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving God who wants to have a relationship with us. Yet, we doubt with as much veractiy, even sometimes a greater veracity, in believing that we are creatures who follow the ways of evil, who follow the ways of sin & death. If you asked the common person, I'm sure they'd say perhaps a God exists, but they know nothing about him. I bet you could ask them in the next breadth if they think that what they do in their life is eveil influence by evil spirits, evil forces, or a great incarnation of evil, they would adamantly reject the idea that this is a possibility, and, most likely, would 'preach' to you about all the good deeds they do, all the nice people they know, all the compassion and love they have in their heart.
Yet, according to scripture, all good acts outside of the Lord are nothing more than filthy rags, which, translated to original text, are a woman's menstrual wipes. Yeah. I went there. I'm not here to sugarcoat about any of this. We've been taught, through this world, that if we're a good person, we'll go to Heaven, or that God will always look out for us and be with us. While it's true God sees all, and all things are under His will, it doesn't mean God is always there for those who don't believe in Him. At best, He is there in a guiding role, looking to show us that there is a way for us to repent and turn to Him. At worst, He's set Himself completely against us, because we have, in fact, set ourselves completely against Him.
Ever go to a sports event, and find the one guy who's a diehard fan, but expects his team to choke? That's doubt in a nutshell. He has no sense of true belief, and because of this, he oozes it through his pores to everyone else around, looking to infect their own hopes, their own sense of belief, to make them think that the team can't win.
Now think in terms of hope and faith. Imagine a person, new, young, unknowing to the ways of scripture, or God, or church. Imagine someone who disagrees with their faith sitting next to them, talking to them about how hard everything always is, or how they haven't seen any results, or they'll never be free of ___________.
How do you think that would go over in this new person's mind? Do you think they're going to jump for joy and want to submit right then and there, to a God who seems to never be around? Or worse, to a God who doesn't seem to care?
John's doubts were, as written in the previous entry, doubts of his mind, but not his heart. He knew Jesus was the Messiah; he baptized him. But sitting in that prison cell, probably having his ass kicked, chained up to the wall, John was seriously going through some head doubt right then, thinking "yo, Jesus, what the fuck? Aren't I supposed to be out there with you, being saved?"
Or, as I spoke with someone today, look at the Disciples. The very men who lived with, ate with, shared stories with, and loved Jesus. They didn't believe they had the powers to remove a demon from a body, and He rebukes them, 'o ye of little faith', then proceeds to tell them about the parable of the mustard seed. Their doubt arose from them thinking they did not yield the same power as Jesus, but, that's where they were wrong. Jesus was filled with the Holy Spirit, the same Spirit that guided the Almighty God, and the very same Spirit that resided in their bodies. Jesus had no doubt of the power He had been given, but the disciples did.
They could have been filled with doubt from the rest of the townspeople. Imagine had they not been with Jesus all the time they were. One can only wonder how many roads of doubt would have landed right in front of them, how many words of rejection they could have potentially heard from the men & women of the world, from the people who did not truly believe.
He not only blessed them by taking them as his disciples, but He loved them enough to stick together in a tight-knit group, so that they would always have the source, right there in front of them, to cancel out any amount of words of doubt they may have been swayed to otherwise.
2. What is Jesus' response to doubt in His children? In what ways does He deal with us when when have honest questions?
First, Jesus tells us that while John is the greatest man born of woman, as he was the one who would call out and prepare the Lord's coming, He tells us that even the lowest in Heaven are greater still than this. He says basically as surely as you have believed in what this man has told you, and what you have become through your act of submission and repentance, you yourself are to have a great place in Heaven, greater than being simply a messenger of God's deliverance, but a shining example of His love, in which He will be pleased, as He was well pleased with His son.
The gift of Heaven is more than just a message of love. It IS love. We will become like God, only filled with Love. Everything else will be burned away like chaffe in the fire. O, how I wish the world could understand this. What God offers us is greater than anything, that ever was, is, or will be. He offers us a "oneship" with Him.
As for what He does when we have honest questions, He listens, with compassion. He stands in love, receiving our thoughts, or words, our emotions. He opens Himself to take our honesty, that He may reflect it back to us. At times, when we are troubled, or filled with dread and doubt, He hears our call loudly. He hears our lament.
Do you not think the Lord heard David's cry?
Do you not trust that the Lord was listening?
The Lord heard his people's call
And led them out of Egpyt for deliverence
Into providence
He listened with love over His Son's screams
The agony burning inside Him
Yet still, He delivered His Son unto salvation
We may believe His hand is cut off from us
But we are His body
We are the salt and light of the world
We are His
He will always listen
Amen.
Monday, January 17, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus...day 29
(action points Matthew 11:2-5)
1. Is your life marked by frequent periods of doubt? If so, what are some of the common things you find yourself feeling suspicious about?
A lot of my own doubt seems to stem from impatience. From thinking things aren't happening fast enough, or to where I can see results, or to where I believe there is progress.
I remember having a conversation with a friend in a coffee shop, a little over a year ago, and I was discussing my doubts in being able to come to the Lord. As I was still young in my understanding, and not yet a true believer, I was putting doubt into my own heart. I had spoken to her about reading on the Lord's Word saying a man must have his affairs in order, he must seek out the forgiveness of those he has wronged, if he is to fully be able to come to the Lord. At that time, I was still grieving over the loss of past relationships, of past wrongs, things I'd done that had left me with no foreseeable or plausible way of being able to find forgiveness for, since most of these relationships I'd longed to be forgiven from were now far away from me, as a result of my own selfish actions.
I believed so strongly that because I was going to be unable to seek such forgiveness, that my heart would continue to hold onto their burden, unable to give it over to the Lord, thus keeping something from Him, which ultimately was a sign of my unwillingness to trust in Him completely. With time, though, the Lord has opened my heart to healing. He gave me the opportunity to seek forgiveness in several areas of my life, and though I may not have been given the forgiveness by all I sought, I did what the Lord wanted and asked of me-I sought to be forgiven by those I had hurt. I was willing to face up to those things I'd done wrong, and come humbly to those people, in hopes that they may also do the right thing in accepting my forgiveness. Some did, some didn't, some chose to not even respond to my words. I came to understand that I cannot control what actions others do; I can only be in control of myself, through God's grace. And to come to Him, we must be humble, we must have had our old spirits broken, in order that He may be the one who leads us to a full sense of healing.
At other times, my doubt stems from my inability to fully believe in myself, or fully believe that I will ever achieve any type of greatness. I do not bost when I use this word. I simply mean in the sense of accomplishing that for which the Lord has blessed me with. I jokingly like to tell a friend how there was once an article written about James Cameron, the film director, and how it listed both his greatest strengh and his greatest weakness as "doesn't hear those who say it can't be done". I tend to be of this nature at times, in extreme forms. If my mind is set, and my heart is fixed, nothing can stop me. God gifted me with great willpower. But, at the same time, if I doubt myself, if I doubt the abilities given, if I doubt my looks, my words, my thoughts, my actions, my willpower can become so engaged against me that it's almost downright impossible to see any sign of hope at times, be it within me, or from the Lord.
I've always had issues with doubt when it comes to my physical appearance, believing I'm ugly, unattractive, overweight, undesirable. And while I have had girlfriends, women who've called me theirs and vice versa, I always used to doubt I was ever good-looking enough for them, that they secretly wished or desired for me to have a better body, or a more healthy attitude about myself, and have confidence. Who knows? It may have actually been true of some of them, but it, I don't think, was due to them not finding me attractive. It was due to them seeing in me that I myself didn't find me attractive, and so I in essence poisoned their minds with the idea that I was not good enough, or that I wasn't pretty enough, or manly enough, etc., etc.
I sometimes expect instantaneous results in my life, and when they don't show up, I doubt that they ever will. I've been working out as of late, hoping to get my body into shape, to 'feel' attractive, and come to be the one in control of my physical, rather than the other way around. But when I feel like the pants are too tight, or the shirt is stretched just a liiiiil bit more than it should be, I become filled with doubt that I'll ever achieve my goal.
I also have doubt when it comes to what God wants of me. While the Lord has blessed me with a (not boastful) higher level of intellegence, intellect, and understanding than some people, it has, at times, felt as though it's a burden to me. As if I'm a computer, forever weighing calculations, checking formulas, testing ideas, instead of simply making a course decision and sticking with the direction. Before, in my life, a major portion of my doubt stemmed from my belief that I was and always would be, a failure. A failure to friends, family, career, and self. God did not, at that time, exist in my equation. And now that He has me, my doubt stems more often than not from "is this what I'm supposed to do?" rather than "I'm never going to be anything of worth".
May He hear these words, and bring comfort to me, so that I may feel His presence and words of wisdom laid upon my heart...
2. What's the most common way your doubts are alleviated? What thoughts cross your mind as you feel yourself shaking free of them?
Knowing that God has a plan AND purpose for me. That, more than anything, will take away or shake loose most of those feelings inside me. Sure, I'm probably like everyone else, in that sometimes in knowing this, we think "easier said than done", but I know it's the truth. I know that God's ultimate purpose for me is to be with Him, in spirit, in life. His plan for me may have a thousand different roads I am to travel down, but He will always be with me, every step of the way.
I've mentioned the lyrics about the weightlifter continuing to get stronger by lifting weights before in previous entries, and it's a truthful assessment. I know that God wants me to grow strong in Him, that, as similar to Lewis once said about the idea of temptation, "you don't find out the strength of the german army by surrender, but by fighting it. You don't find out the power of the wind by lying down, but by walking head-first into it". In the same way, God will always be with us, but there will be times when we must face things, most of all, face ourselves, head on, in order to know just what it is He has done for us, and just what it is He wants for us.
*reflection
How would you describe the difference between "head-doubt" and "heart-doubt"? Which is the most dangerous and hardest to overcome? Who are some people you know that struggle mightily with this, and need your prayer and encouragement?
I suppose you would say "head-doubt" stems from logic, and "heart-doubt" stems from emotion/feelings. As a friend recently told me about rollercoasters. She knows that due to the laws of physics that when a coaster does a loop, you'll be pressed into your seat and all will be well, and you'll continue through the spin until you're safely on the bottom once more. But in her heart, she panics that what if the coaster breaks down on the top of the loop? You'll be left hanging upside down from your seat, perilously close to falling straight down?
In a way, we all have this semblance of logic. It's kind of the same way with the whole 'walking on hot coals' idea. You have seen people do it, you understand the logic behind why you aren't actually going to be burned, but in your heart, you cannot help but scream to yourself about worrying you are going to burn yourself up, maybe even fall into the fire and become hurt even more.
I think, to a degree, both forms of doubt are equally difficult to break-through, but the heart-doubt may feel more severe because it deals directly in emotional responses. A woman can live with a man who was physically abusive for years, and then be freed of him. She meets another man, who is wonderful, loving, respectful, and caring. One night they argue, and the man make a movement, gesticulation, or his voice says a similar word to the man she once knew, and the woman, knowing this is not the same man, knowing his ways are not the ways of who she loved in her past, may still cringe in fear that she's going to be struck. Her mind has overcome this doubt, but her heart, when rattled, may fall into an old pattern, causing her whole being to react in a way that has no need for such a reaction.
I know people, both men and women, who mostly doubt they can be loved. Or they think they're never going to find that special someone. They've done it all and seen it all, and been through so many relationships they are boastful in a negative way about it, as if it's something to be proud of. And because of their past experiences, they truly believe that Love is not cut out for them. That they've tried, they've put out the effort, but still it won't want them.
I had a friend recently describe to me how finding love is like test-driving cars. You may find one with great features, good paintjob, and wonderful mileage, but for some reason, it just doesn't sit right because of some pre-existing condition you have about the way a cupholder should be, or how long the visor is. And so, you leave that car, looking for the next one, and the next one, never being satisfied.
I relayed to them that instead of going out, and wanting to test-drive every car to see how it handles, maybe you should save up your money, and tell yourself "when the time is right, the perfect car will find me, and I'll just know it, through and through".
This is what God does. He wants us to seek, but with a clear heart. He isn't telling us "hey, go for a sin-ride, and when you've finally figured out all the things that aren't me, I'll be waiting". Now, it is true, He has said in Romans, if your heart truly wants to desire things outside of Him, He'll give you exactly that, but you're going to be miserable and go down in flames with such things. But God wants so much more for us. He wants us to know we can "save up our cash", that we can be focused on the long-term, that we can know, that, even though we're in mile 7 of the marathon, and our legs may be burning, and our eyes are filled with sweat from the exertion we are putting out, that the goal is to run the race well, and finish it. Our goal isn't to give up halfway while being the best-looking in the hottest nike running shorts.
Doubt is a tough thing to overcome. But take heart in knowing Jesus has overcome all. Even He may have had a moment of doubt, on the cross, but He was resolute in His belief that He was doing the right thing, that He would be delivered, from God, by God, for us, forever.
And about that, I have no doubt :-)
Amen
1. Is your life marked by frequent periods of doubt? If so, what are some of the common things you find yourself feeling suspicious about?
A lot of my own doubt seems to stem from impatience. From thinking things aren't happening fast enough, or to where I can see results, or to where I believe there is progress.
I remember having a conversation with a friend in a coffee shop, a little over a year ago, and I was discussing my doubts in being able to come to the Lord. As I was still young in my understanding, and not yet a true believer, I was putting doubt into my own heart. I had spoken to her about reading on the Lord's Word saying a man must have his affairs in order, he must seek out the forgiveness of those he has wronged, if he is to fully be able to come to the Lord. At that time, I was still grieving over the loss of past relationships, of past wrongs, things I'd done that had left me with no foreseeable or plausible way of being able to find forgiveness for, since most of these relationships I'd longed to be forgiven from were now far away from me, as a result of my own selfish actions.
I believed so strongly that because I was going to be unable to seek such forgiveness, that my heart would continue to hold onto their burden, unable to give it over to the Lord, thus keeping something from Him, which ultimately was a sign of my unwillingness to trust in Him completely. With time, though, the Lord has opened my heart to healing. He gave me the opportunity to seek forgiveness in several areas of my life, and though I may not have been given the forgiveness by all I sought, I did what the Lord wanted and asked of me-I sought to be forgiven by those I had hurt. I was willing to face up to those things I'd done wrong, and come humbly to those people, in hopes that they may also do the right thing in accepting my forgiveness. Some did, some didn't, some chose to not even respond to my words. I came to understand that I cannot control what actions others do; I can only be in control of myself, through God's grace. And to come to Him, we must be humble, we must have had our old spirits broken, in order that He may be the one who leads us to a full sense of healing.
At other times, my doubt stems from my inability to fully believe in myself, or fully believe that I will ever achieve any type of greatness. I do not bost when I use this word. I simply mean in the sense of accomplishing that for which the Lord has blessed me with. I jokingly like to tell a friend how there was once an article written about James Cameron, the film director, and how it listed both his greatest strengh and his greatest weakness as "doesn't hear those who say it can't be done". I tend to be of this nature at times, in extreme forms. If my mind is set, and my heart is fixed, nothing can stop me. God gifted me with great willpower. But, at the same time, if I doubt myself, if I doubt the abilities given, if I doubt my looks, my words, my thoughts, my actions, my willpower can become so engaged against me that it's almost downright impossible to see any sign of hope at times, be it within me, or from the Lord.
I've always had issues with doubt when it comes to my physical appearance, believing I'm ugly, unattractive, overweight, undesirable. And while I have had girlfriends, women who've called me theirs and vice versa, I always used to doubt I was ever good-looking enough for them, that they secretly wished or desired for me to have a better body, or a more healthy attitude about myself, and have confidence. Who knows? It may have actually been true of some of them, but it, I don't think, was due to them not finding me attractive. It was due to them seeing in me that I myself didn't find me attractive, and so I in essence poisoned their minds with the idea that I was not good enough, or that I wasn't pretty enough, or manly enough, etc., etc.
I sometimes expect instantaneous results in my life, and when they don't show up, I doubt that they ever will. I've been working out as of late, hoping to get my body into shape, to 'feel' attractive, and come to be the one in control of my physical, rather than the other way around. But when I feel like the pants are too tight, or the shirt is stretched just a liiiiil bit more than it should be, I become filled with doubt that I'll ever achieve my goal.
I also have doubt when it comes to what God wants of me. While the Lord has blessed me with a (not boastful) higher level of intellegence, intellect, and understanding than some people, it has, at times, felt as though it's a burden to me. As if I'm a computer, forever weighing calculations, checking formulas, testing ideas, instead of simply making a course decision and sticking with the direction. Before, in my life, a major portion of my doubt stemmed from my belief that I was and always would be, a failure. A failure to friends, family, career, and self. God did not, at that time, exist in my equation. And now that He has me, my doubt stems more often than not from "is this what I'm supposed to do?" rather than "I'm never going to be anything of worth".
May He hear these words, and bring comfort to me, so that I may feel His presence and words of wisdom laid upon my heart...
2. What's the most common way your doubts are alleviated? What thoughts cross your mind as you feel yourself shaking free of them?
Knowing that God has a plan AND purpose for me. That, more than anything, will take away or shake loose most of those feelings inside me. Sure, I'm probably like everyone else, in that sometimes in knowing this, we think "easier said than done", but I know it's the truth. I know that God's ultimate purpose for me is to be with Him, in spirit, in life. His plan for me may have a thousand different roads I am to travel down, but He will always be with me, every step of the way.
I've mentioned the lyrics about the weightlifter continuing to get stronger by lifting weights before in previous entries, and it's a truthful assessment. I know that God wants me to grow strong in Him, that, as similar to Lewis once said about the idea of temptation, "you don't find out the strength of the german army by surrender, but by fighting it. You don't find out the power of the wind by lying down, but by walking head-first into it". In the same way, God will always be with us, but there will be times when we must face things, most of all, face ourselves, head on, in order to know just what it is He has done for us, and just what it is He wants for us.
*reflection
How would you describe the difference between "head-doubt" and "heart-doubt"? Which is the most dangerous and hardest to overcome? Who are some people you know that struggle mightily with this, and need your prayer and encouragement?
I suppose you would say "head-doubt" stems from logic, and "heart-doubt" stems from emotion/feelings. As a friend recently told me about rollercoasters. She knows that due to the laws of physics that when a coaster does a loop, you'll be pressed into your seat and all will be well, and you'll continue through the spin until you're safely on the bottom once more. But in her heart, she panics that what if the coaster breaks down on the top of the loop? You'll be left hanging upside down from your seat, perilously close to falling straight down?
In a way, we all have this semblance of logic. It's kind of the same way with the whole 'walking on hot coals' idea. You have seen people do it, you understand the logic behind why you aren't actually going to be burned, but in your heart, you cannot help but scream to yourself about worrying you are going to burn yourself up, maybe even fall into the fire and become hurt even more.
I think, to a degree, both forms of doubt are equally difficult to break-through, but the heart-doubt may feel more severe because it deals directly in emotional responses. A woman can live with a man who was physically abusive for years, and then be freed of him. She meets another man, who is wonderful, loving, respectful, and caring. One night they argue, and the man make a movement, gesticulation, or his voice says a similar word to the man she once knew, and the woman, knowing this is not the same man, knowing his ways are not the ways of who she loved in her past, may still cringe in fear that she's going to be struck. Her mind has overcome this doubt, but her heart, when rattled, may fall into an old pattern, causing her whole being to react in a way that has no need for such a reaction.
I know people, both men and women, who mostly doubt they can be loved. Or they think they're never going to find that special someone. They've done it all and seen it all, and been through so many relationships they are boastful in a negative way about it, as if it's something to be proud of. And because of their past experiences, they truly believe that Love is not cut out for them. That they've tried, they've put out the effort, but still it won't want them.
I had a friend recently describe to me how finding love is like test-driving cars. You may find one with great features, good paintjob, and wonderful mileage, but for some reason, it just doesn't sit right because of some pre-existing condition you have about the way a cupholder should be, or how long the visor is. And so, you leave that car, looking for the next one, and the next one, never being satisfied.
I relayed to them that instead of going out, and wanting to test-drive every car to see how it handles, maybe you should save up your money, and tell yourself "when the time is right, the perfect car will find me, and I'll just know it, through and through".
This is what God does. He wants us to seek, but with a clear heart. He isn't telling us "hey, go for a sin-ride, and when you've finally figured out all the things that aren't me, I'll be waiting". Now, it is true, He has said in Romans, if your heart truly wants to desire things outside of Him, He'll give you exactly that, but you're going to be miserable and go down in flames with such things. But God wants so much more for us. He wants us to know we can "save up our cash", that we can be focused on the long-term, that we can know, that, even though we're in mile 7 of the marathon, and our legs may be burning, and our eyes are filled with sweat from the exertion we are putting out, that the goal is to run the race well, and finish it. Our goal isn't to give up halfway while being the best-looking in the hottest nike running shorts.
Doubt is a tough thing to overcome. But take heart in knowing Jesus has overcome all. Even He may have had a moment of doubt, on the cross, but He was resolute in His belief that He was doing the right thing, that He would be delivered, from God, by God, for us, forever.
And about that, I have no doubt :-)
Amen
90 Days w/Jesus...day 28
(action points Luke 7:11-17)
1. Compassion. Who and what stirs it up in you? What does it look like when it happens?
When I see compassion, it becomes, to me, a selfless act of love. To bind yourself with that person, in hopes that you may assuage their feelings, calm their hearts, allow them to have that moment where they can breathe, and know that, even though they are in pain, things shall become better. To wish to share their pain, in hopes of taking it away from them, in hopes of warming their hearts and spirits.
My friends, my family, people who I may encounter in my everyday life. This is where I witness the most in terms of compassion. I remember seeing the love and compassion my family all had for our grandfather over the last few years of his life. How we all sought to make him know, to show him, how much we cared for him. How we were willing to sit with him, and smile and laugh with him. To help him with his blankets, or lift him off the bed so he could use the restroom. Or simply even to bring him a soda or juice to drink with a straw, and help guide his hands and the cup to his mouth, so he may drink.
I watched, in those remaining days of his life, how we, as a family, knew that there was no such place for us as strife. How we remembered and honored our grandfather in realizing that at no point in our lives could we ever remember him being a man who had anger inside. He never yelled at us, or got mad, or treated us with disrespect. He always had time for us, always wanted to hear about our lives, or share some historical fact with us from the world. We came together, and saw that with his love and compassion for us, we also may have that love and compassion for others.
I think now to my work, when I see people who are older, who come in to eat. There are a few regular couples I've come to recognize and know, and I watch the compassion they share between one another. Be it helping push the wheelchair, or holding their hand, or walking them along and showing them what foods to eat, I see compassion and love in all their actions.
On Sundays, there's a wonderful old man, always dressed nice in his suit, who brings his wife in, rolling her wheelchair, and he takes her around and gets her plate, telling her what we have, asking what she wants. He's right there for her. It always seems to humble my heart and make me appreciate the love that God has for us. He gave us love so that we too may love. He is compassionate with us so that we too, may share our compassion. How truly marvelous a thing this is!
2. when you hold compassion back, when you pass by and don't stop to help, what are your reasons for doing so?
Usually, they are selfish ones. Either I'm too busy, I'm too tired, or someone has taken all my patience for the world that day, or, more appropriately, I've given in and decided to have no more patience. I notice when these times happen though, and we're all guilty of such a thing. Sometimes, I may get agitated and not want to help because I've gone that "extra mile" many times already in the day and don't feel like doing it just one more time. It's typically during these moments when I recognize it, and one of two things happens. I may look to do my best to ignore it and just say "whatever", which only ends up serving to my detriment, or I recognize what it is I've done, and I seek to be forgiven and to know that Jesus, my Lord, would have compassion. That He would have patience and show a neverending willingness to give of himself.
Is it truly so hard for man to give of himself for love? No, I think not. We're lied to by this world. We're told such things as "what is love?" or "why bother?" or "what good will it do? by the end of my day, I'm sure I'll meet people who are without compassion to me and my struggle, so why should I always make sure i'm being compassionate for everyone else?"
The Lord teaches us two commandments. Everything else falls under these rules. The first, and most important one, is to love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. The second, of an equal but subserveant type of importance, is for us to love our neighbor as ourself.
This actually means to know that our neighbor, that our fellow man, faces the same evils and temptations of the world that we do. They face these struggles every day. Sometimes they win. Sometimes they lose. But just because they may be in a 'losing' moment when we encounter them, gives us no plausible or reasonable right to wish to be in a 'losing' moment as well.
It's at this moment where we should strive to do as the Lord commands. To love them as ourself. To have the compassion for them that Christ has for us. To show them love. To show them the boldness of righteous spirit and hope.
I was talking to my niece yesterday, who's going through some major physical afflictions/attacks recently. She's a young girl, and I love her as I love my family, with my heart. She is kin to me. And to know that she is in pain, and she is scared, and she is afraid, it breaks my heart. I sought to do what I believe God always seeks to do for us-to heal with love.
I spoke to her on something she knew. I had mentioned the movie "I Am Legend" to her, and asked her if she remembered where Will talks about Bob Marley. I told her how he had once said that the evils and bad men of the world aren't ever taking a day off, so why should good people look to not do their part?
We are here because God gave us life. His sacrifice assures us we shall not perish from Him. His will and His way dictates we should strive with all our being to be as He is-caring, compassionate, totally full of love for all things. To be a reflection of Him, to mirror Him in this daily life. To seek to glorify Him fully.
There is no such thing as compassion without love. And you cannot love without being compassionate. It's our duty to always seek to engage in both, without question, without waning....
*reflection
How about you? Are you convinced God is sovereign? Are you convinced He is kind, even sweet? Why or why not?
I may not have been convinced of the Lord in my past life. I doubted His existence. If He did exist, I doubted His love. And if He did love, I doubted he was kind, or sweet.
But I know now, with all my being, through and through, from the very soul that resides in me which was made in God's image, to the very bones and flesh that hold my physical body together here on this planet. God, Father, Righteous Reedemer, rules all, with absolute Sovereignty.
He knows what is best, He knows what is right, He knows truth, He is truth. Love is the only way of life, of eternal salvation, of joy, of happiness.
As I spoke to a friend this weekend, I'd touched on a subject someone once brought up in a conversation. They said something in regards to "if God loved us so much, and is so great, why doesn't He just wipe the slate clean and save us?"
Now, since He's saved us already through Christ Jesus' sacrifice, I don't need to get into that part. But God loves us so much, He puts His trust in us that we will choose Him. That if we know who He is, and what His ways our, we may become like He is, a creature that only knows the way of love and peace. He trusts in us so much to do the right thing, that His only Son did die for us.
Think about it. If God did not believe that we could choose Him, that we could want to seek His glory, His love, His life, He would have never sent Jesus for such a sacrifice. God BELIEVES IN US. As we believe, in our hearts, that He is the one true living God, who seeks for us nothing but goodness & salvation, so to does He believe in us that His ultimate power has given us choice. He believes we can choose the right thing. He believes we can choose love. He has faith in us, a neverending faith, that we may love Him. And He gave us a way to love Him, eternally, without fear of being blemished out or lost. Even though we may not all accept to follow Him, He has faith that we may all turn from what we seek outside of Him, which is nothing but eternal death and separation of His love, His life, His way.....
John 3:16-20
16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. 19 And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. 20 For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed
Amen
1. Compassion. Who and what stirs it up in you? What does it look like when it happens?
When I see compassion, it becomes, to me, a selfless act of love. To bind yourself with that person, in hopes that you may assuage their feelings, calm their hearts, allow them to have that moment where they can breathe, and know that, even though they are in pain, things shall become better. To wish to share their pain, in hopes of taking it away from them, in hopes of warming their hearts and spirits.
My friends, my family, people who I may encounter in my everyday life. This is where I witness the most in terms of compassion. I remember seeing the love and compassion my family all had for our grandfather over the last few years of his life. How we all sought to make him know, to show him, how much we cared for him. How we were willing to sit with him, and smile and laugh with him. To help him with his blankets, or lift him off the bed so he could use the restroom. Or simply even to bring him a soda or juice to drink with a straw, and help guide his hands and the cup to his mouth, so he may drink.
I watched, in those remaining days of his life, how we, as a family, knew that there was no such place for us as strife. How we remembered and honored our grandfather in realizing that at no point in our lives could we ever remember him being a man who had anger inside. He never yelled at us, or got mad, or treated us with disrespect. He always had time for us, always wanted to hear about our lives, or share some historical fact with us from the world. We came together, and saw that with his love and compassion for us, we also may have that love and compassion for others.
I think now to my work, when I see people who are older, who come in to eat. There are a few regular couples I've come to recognize and know, and I watch the compassion they share between one another. Be it helping push the wheelchair, or holding their hand, or walking them along and showing them what foods to eat, I see compassion and love in all their actions.
On Sundays, there's a wonderful old man, always dressed nice in his suit, who brings his wife in, rolling her wheelchair, and he takes her around and gets her plate, telling her what we have, asking what she wants. He's right there for her. It always seems to humble my heart and make me appreciate the love that God has for us. He gave us love so that we too may love. He is compassionate with us so that we too, may share our compassion. How truly marvelous a thing this is!
2. when you hold compassion back, when you pass by and don't stop to help, what are your reasons for doing so?
Usually, they are selfish ones. Either I'm too busy, I'm too tired, or someone has taken all my patience for the world that day, or, more appropriately, I've given in and decided to have no more patience. I notice when these times happen though, and we're all guilty of such a thing. Sometimes, I may get agitated and not want to help because I've gone that "extra mile" many times already in the day and don't feel like doing it just one more time. It's typically during these moments when I recognize it, and one of two things happens. I may look to do my best to ignore it and just say "whatever", which only ends up serving to my detriment, or I recognize what it is I've done, and I seek to be forgiven and to know that Jesus, my Lord, would have compassion. That He would have patience and show a neverending willingness to give of himself.
Is it truly so hard for man to give of himself for love? No, I think not. We're lied to by this world. We're told such things as "what is love?" or "why bother?" or "what good will it do? by the end of my day, I'm sure I'll meet people who are without compassion to me and my struggle, so why should I always make sure i'm being compassionate for everyone else?"
The Lord teaches us two commandments. Everything else falls under these rules. The first, and most important one, is to love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. The second, of an equal but subserveant type of importance, is for us to love our neighbor as ourself.
This actually means to know that our neighbor, that our fellow man, faces the same evils and temptations of the world that we do. They face these struggles every day. Sometimes they win. Sometimes they lose. But just because they may be in a 'losing' moment when we encounter them, gives us no plausible or reasonable right to wish to be in a 'losing' moment as well.
It's at this moment where we should strive to do as the Lord commands. To love them as ourself. To have the compassion for them that Christ has for us. To show them love. To show them the boldness of righteous spirit and hope.
I was talking to my niece yesterday, who's going through some major physical afflictions/attacks recently. She's a young girl, and I love her as I love my family, with my heart. She is kin to me. And to know that she is in pain, and she is scared, and she is afraid, it breaks my heart. I sought to do what I believe God always seeks to do for us-to heal with love.
I spoke to her on something she knew. I had mentioned the movie "I Am Legend" to her, and asked her if she remembered where Will talks about Bob Marley. I told her how he had once said that the evils and bad men of the world aren't ever taking a day off, so why should good people look to not do their part?
We are here because God gave us life. His sacrifice assures us we shall not perish from Him. His will and His way dictates we should strive with all our being to be as He is-caring, compassionate, totally full of love for all things. To be a reflection of Him, to mirror Him in this daily life. To seek to glorify Him fully.
There is no such thing as compassion without love. And you cannot love without being compassionate. It's our duty to always seek to engage in both, without question, without waning....
*reflection
How about you? Are you convinced God is sovereign? Are you convinced He is kind, even sweet? Why or why not?
I may not have been convinced of the Lord in my past life. I doubted His existence. If He did exist, I doubted His love. And if He did love, I doubted he was kind, or sweet.
But I know now, with all my being, through and through, from the very soul that resides in me which was made in God's image, to the very bones and flesh that hold my physical body together here on this planet. God, Father, Righteous Reedemer, rules all, with absolute Sovereignty.
He knows what is best, He knows what is right, He knows truth, He is truth. Love is the only way of life, of eternal salvation, of joy, of happiness.
As I spoke to a friend this weekend, I'd touched on a subject someone once brought up in a conversation. They said something in regards to "if God loved us so much, and is so great, why doesn't He just wipe the slate clean and save us?"
Now, since He's saved us already through Christ Jesus' sacrifice, I don't need to get into that part. But God loves us so much, He puts His trust in us that we will choose Him. That if we know who He is, and what His ways our, we may become like He is, a creature that only knows the way of love and peace. He trusts in us so much to do the right thing, that His only Son did die for us.
Think about it. If God did not believe that we could choose Him, that we could want to seek His glory, His love, His life, He would have never sent Jesus for such a sacrifice. God BELIEVES IN US. As we believe, in our hearts, that He is the one true living God, who seeks for us nothing but goodness & salvation, so to does He believe in us that His ultimate power has given us choice. He believes we can choose the right thing. He believes we can choose love. He has faith in us, a neverending faith, that we may love Him. And He gave us a way to love Him, eternally, without fear of being blemished out or lost. Even though we may not all accept to follow Him, He has faith that we may all turn from what we seek outside of Him, which is nothing but eternal death and separation of His love, His life, His way.....
John 3:16-20
16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. 19 And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. 20 For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed
Amen
Friday, January 14, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus....day 27
(action points Luke 7:1-10)
1. Name something that has pleasantly surprised you lately. What makes amazament one of life's sheerest joys?
Just yesterday, I was in the middle of a thread about Jesus, and the Word, and scripture. It was becoming a long thread, discussing God's plan for us, and whether or not it is a detailed plan for each and every one of us, or if it's sort of just "all in the mix, but a few key ingredients".
As the thread was getting long in the tooth, I sat back and was amazed that here I am, a man who was once a horrible sinner, a man who'd done really stuping things in his life, who'd hurt a lot of people close to him, who didn't honestly know how to be a man. Here I was, speaking about God, and His word, and seeking to open a greater truth about Him. Hoping to learn from others about Him, and hoping to share with others what I have come to learn about Him.
I mean me. Tim Handley. The guy who used to laugh and mock God in all forms, who made fun of dorky Christians and their "way". And I have become one who follows. A servant of God. I know there may still be some nails that I see, and instead of getting out of the way, I step on, but Jesus is bringing me to a place where I no longer walk in a path where any nails may be scattered.
This all continually amazes me.
2. How often do you think God is pleased with what He sees in His people?
Oh, boy, hmm. I know He loves us, and He has forever grace for us, but I think maybe the percentage points may be rather low. He says that very few of us will actually find the way into His kingdom, which I know must suck for Him b/c you know He's wanting all of us to get there. But even in His book, it seemed so rare where he was really pleased with what His people did. Jesus rebuked His own Disciples, the very cats who were with Him, who saw and viewed and witnessed His miracles, and they still doubted who He was.
I think I mentioned in another post, how John was pretty much the greatest man on Earth (I am really paraphrasing, it's late) and said he was still the least in Heaven, or how David, David was after God's heart, yet, if I have heard right (as I've not gotten to his book yet), he cheated and murdered someone.
I think He is always pleased with His creation, and I think He has such neverending grace because we always stumble so damned much that His love is what binds us. I know that sounds weak, but it's true. How often does a person truly please God? In devout prayer? In a 21-day fast for His Glory? Even now, I'm writing about Him, hoping that what words I speak, and what I know and say, what I come out with, hoping it pleases Him. But at the same time I'm having a discussion with a friend on another chatpage, and I wonder if God is unhappy with me doing both things, or if He's happy I'm sharing myself with another person which forms a human bond, while also having His word on my mind?
It's a tricky thing, wondering just how much God is pleased in us...All we can do is give completely to Him, and trust He guides us....
1. Name something that has pleasantly surprised you lately. What makes amazament one of life's sheerest joys?
Just yesterday, I was in the middle of a thread about Jesus, and the Word, and scripture. It was becoming a long thread, discussing God's plan for us, and whether or not it is a detailed plan for each and every one of us, or if it's sort of just "all in the mix, but a few key ingredients".
As the thread was getting long in the tooth, I sat back and was amazed that here I am, a man who was once a horrible sinner, a man who'd done really stuping things in his life, who'd hurt a lot of people close to him, who didn't honestly know how to be a man. Here I was, speaking about God, and His word, and seeking to open a greater truth about Him. Hoping to learn from others about Him, and hoping to share with others what I have come to learn about Him.
I mean me. Tim Handley. The guy who used to laugh and mock God in all forms, who made fun of dorky Christians and their "way". And I have become one who follows. A servant of God. I know there may still be some nails that I see, and instead of getting out of the way, I step on, but Jesus is bringing me to a place where I no longer walk in a path where any nails may be scattered.
This all continually amazes me.
2. How often do you think God is pleased with what He sees in His people?
Oh, boy, hmm. I know He loves us, and He has forever grace for us, but I think maybe the percentage points may be rather low. He says that very few of us will actually find the way into His kingdom, which I know must suck for Him b/c you know He's wanting all of us to get there. But even in His book, it seemed so rare where he was really pleased with what His people did. Jesus rebuked His own Disciples, the very cats who were with Him, who saw and viewed and witnessed His miracles, and they still doubted who He was.
I think I mentioned in another post, how John was pretty much the greatest man on Earth (I am really paraphrasing, it's late) and said he was still the least in Heaven, or how David, David was after God's heart, yet, if I have heard right (as I've not gotten to his book yet), he cheated and murdered someone.
I think He is always pleased with His creation, and I think He has such neverending grace because we always stumble so damned much that His love is what binds us. I know that sounds weak, but it's true. How often does a person truly please God? In devout prayer? In a 21-day fast for His Glory? Even now, I'm writing about Him, hoping that what words I speak, and what I know and say, what I come out with, hoping it pleases Him. But at the same time I'm having a discussion with a friend on another chatpage, and I wonder if God is unhappy with me doing both things, or if He's happy I'm sharing myself with another person which forms a human bond, while also having His word on my mind?
It's a tricky thing, wondering just how much God is pleased in us...All we can do is give completely to Him, and trust He guides us....
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
90 Days w/Jesus....day 26
(action points Luke 6:1-11)
1. What are the fruits of a critical spirit, and why does it come so much easier to us than openness and a desire to seek understanding?
I remember when I was first learning about and interacting with small groups, and what all was entailed. Discussions, open topics, thoughts, questions, etc., etc. Things were well.
Then, there were a few new people who showed up at times, and they made me uneasy. I had no reason, no viable reason anyone, to be uneasy about them, but I was uneasy nonetheless. I didn't feel like revealing things about myself, or sharing things with the group, or even giving much credence to their words and what they were attempting to explain.
Because of this, friends noticed my stand-offishness, if you will, they noticed my hesitancy in wanting to participate, and we'd had discussions about it. What I came to realize is that I was focusing too much on the messenger, and not the message itself. I was still so young in my ways to seek to ignore the words they used, even if they were truth and were things I agreed with, and instead focus on them as a person and not wanting to find or believe in anything they had to say.
When you're not wanting to actually listen for the truth, you're never really going to hear it. It won't reveal itself to you because your heart is hardened, clouded with thoughts and ideas that are not of what they should be. I was a person who thought I could selectively turn off and on the idea of a willingness, an openness, to hear the truth, but that in itself is prideful, for it is me dictating the terms to God as to how I shall accept listening to His word, and who I shall hear it from.
This isn't to say I believe I should go around blindly and accept any word from any person as the truth, especially when it comes to God's Word. It simply means I should listen intently, effectively, and completely, and disregard the person who is saying the word, but to see if their word indeed corresponds to God's Truth, God's Word, which is Jesus in the flesh and the Bible in the written form. If I am doing these things, chances are I'm not going to miss the truth right in front of me, because I am doing all I can to actively seek it out.
2. True, we are commanded to be discerning. But what do we risk by being overly cautious and careful on our acceptance of Christian teaching? How do we draw the lines here?
Well, like I said, it isn't up for me to draw the lines. The lines have been drawn. Either whatever is being said agrees with, reinforces, and doesn't twist the Word of God, or it does. In which case, it is not His message.
When we are overly cautious of things, sometimes, this can lead to peril. As we learn of God, it is a leap of faith. There is a great poem, the Gap, by Sheldon Vanauken, that explains it greatly-
"
When we stand there, taking stock of everything around us, looking what's in front of us and behind us, we only tend to sink deeper, make our leap that much more difficult, make the truth just that much more further away. We cannot waste away in our caution, thinking it shall save us. Caution is only there to help guide us, but it is not the guiding force. We must be willing to move forward, or we shall be consumed by it.
I had been reading many different Christian authored works as of late. They were good books, the authors had a flowing writing style, the messages seemed sound. But then I realized that some of the things they were saying contradicted what the Good Book says.
Rather than being cautious, and continuing on reading them, trying to dissect them and find out every little thing that did or didn't agree with the word, which could have taken months, or led to endless discussions amongst friends, I simply realized my focus should be on God and God alone, which is why I decided that it was best for me to stop reading such books until I have actually finished His Written Word. It is the only way I can hope to move forward and not get stuck standing in a gap of wondering what does or doesn't agree with God, which ultimately keeps me from losing sight on Him and instead looking to sort Him out....
*reflection
What are some practical ways to engage yourself in hearing and reading God's Word?
Well, reading His Word is pretty practical....like I just previously mentioned, stop finding the hip new apologist, stop looking for the scholar who has a great dissertation on the book of luke, stop seeking to be in the now on the newest, latest, greatest, talked about writer who's showing so many things about God, and just seek God Himself.
His book is there for us to read, for us to gain knowledge from, for us to learn about His ways, and what He wants of us, and what He expects of us, and most importantly, what He offers us freely. One of the biggest problems in today's world are the people who say they aren't interested in God, and you ask them if they've read the bible. Usually they give some response such as "no, I've known enough Christians in my life to know what the bible means", or "I've read the main books, but not the whole thing", or "well, I didn't actually read it, but I studied it alot in school."
While it's true there are many things in and of this world you can reject completely without doing them, such as murder, robbery, crime, etc. etc., how can you truly look to stand on the foundation of saying I know God and His ways if you've never prayed to Him or never bothered reading through His book? The bible is as much the history of God's people as it is of God Himself. The entire book reflects His supreme character, His unfailing love, and His neverending grace. He gave us the gift of the written word so that we may read it, and He gave us the gift of eyes so that we may see it.
As for hearing, I think it's mostly a matter of recognizing what feels foreign to you on the inside. You see, when we're sinners, chances are what we're hearing in our head is what agrees with us, what agrees with our nature. When we hear the voice telling us "not to sin" or "you better think about this" or when some random, left-field thought shows up in our brain that not only goes against the moment, but that we recognize as not being of us, more than likely, that's God talking to us. That's the Holy spirit telling us to hold up, take a look at this, and realize what's going on.
The enemy isn't going to throw a random bible verse in our head. He's not going to ask us, or influence us, to pray for friends or family. Evil spirits and demons are not going to encourage us to do the right thing, or to read the scripture, or to act as we should. You see, while before we were sinners, and any thought that came to us probably was just another thought from the enemy to tell us "it's okay" and the thoughts from God were foreign, so now are we saved and in God's grace that when we hear something like "indulge" "no one's looking" or "do it for yourself", the enemy has now became what's foreign and wrong to us.
God's talking, always talking. All we have to do is listen. And when we listen, we'll be talking to Him, and He'll be listening to us....
Amen
1. What are the fruits of a critical spirit, and why does it come so much easier to us than openness and a desire to seek understanding?
I remember when I was first learning about and interacting with small groups, and what all was entailed. Discussions, open topics, thoughts, questions, etc., etc. Things were well.
Then, there were a few new people who showed up at times, and they made me uneasy. I had no reason, no viable reason anyone, to be uneasy about them, but I was uneasy nonetheless. I didn't feel like revealing things about myself, or sharing things with the group, or even giving much credence to their words and what they were attempting to explain.
Because of this, friends noticed my stand-offishness, if you will, they noticed my hesitancy in wanting to participate, and we'd had discussions about it. What I came to realize is that I was focusing too much on the messenger, and not the message itself. I was still so young in my ways to seek to ignore the words they used, even if they were truth and were things I agreed with, and instead focus on them as a person and not wanting to find or believe in anything they had to say.
When you're not wanting to actually listen for the truth, you're never really going to hear it. It won't reveal itself to you because your heart is hardened, clouded with thoughts and ideas that are not of what they should be. I was a person who thought I could selectively turn off and on the idea of a willingness, an openness, to hear the truth, but that in itself is prideful, for it is me dictating the terms to God as to how I shall accept listening to His word, and who I shall hear it from.
This isn't to say I believe I should go around blindly and accept any word from any person as the truth, especially when it comes to God's Word. It simply means I should listen intently, effectively, and completely, and disregard the person who is saying the word, but to see if their word indeed corresponds to God's Truth, God's Word, which is Jesus in the flesh and the Bible in the written form. If I am doing these things, chances are I'm not going to miss the truth right in front of me, because I am doing all I can to actively seek it out.
2. True, we are commanded to be discerning. But what do we risk by being overly cautious and careful on our acceptance of Christian teaching? How do we draw the lines here?
Well, like I said, it isn't up for me to draw the lines. The lines have been drawn. Either whatever is being said agrees with, reinforces, and doesn't twist the Word of God, or it does. In which case, it is not His message.
When we are overly cautious of things, sometimes, this can lead to peril. As we learn of God, it is a leap of faith. There is a great poem, the Gap, by Sheldon Vanauken, that explains it greatly-
"
Between the probable and proved there yawns
A gap. Afraid to jump, we stand absurd,Then see behind us sink to the ground, and worse,
Our very standpoint crumbling. Desperate dawns
Our only hope: to leap into the WordThat opens up the shuttered universe.
When we stand there, taking stock of everything around us, looking what's in front of us and behind us, we only tend to sink deeper, make our leap that much more difficult, make the truth just that much more further away. We cannot waste away in our caution, thinking it shall save us. Caution is only there to help guide us, but it is not the guiding force. We must be willing to move forward, or we shall be consumed by it.
I had been reading many different Christian authored works as of late. They were good books, the authors had a flowing writing style, the messages seemed sound. But then I realized that some of the things they were saying contradicted what the Good Book says.
Rather than being cautious, and continuing on reading them, trying to dissect them and find out every little thing that did or didn't agree with the word, which could have taken months, or led to endless discussions amongst friends, I simply realized my focus should be on God and God alone, which is why I decided that it was best for me to stop reading such books until I have actually finished His Written Word. It is the only way I can hope to move forward and not get stuck standing in a gap of wondering what does or doesn't agree with God, which ultimately keeps me from losing sight on Him and instead looking to sort Him out....
*reflection
What are some practical ways to engage yourself in hearing and reading God's Word?
Well, reading His Word is pretty practical....like I just previously mentioned, stop finding the hip new apologist, stop looking for the scholar who has a great dissertation on the book of luke, stop seeking to be in the now on the newest, latest, greatest, talked about writer who's showing so many things about God, and just seek God Himself.
His book is there for us to read, for us to gain knowledge from, for us to learn about His ways, and what He wants of us, and what He expects of us, and most importantly, what He offers us freely. One of the biggest problems in today's world are the people who say they aren't interested in God, and you ask them if they've read the bible. Usually they give some response such as "no, I've known enough Christians in my life to know what the bible means", or "I've read the main books, but not the whole thing", or "well, I didn't actually read it, but I studied it alot in school."
While it's true there are many things in and of this world you can reject completely without doing them, such as murder, robbery, crime, etc. etc., how can you truly look to stand on the foundation of saying I know God and His ways if you've never prayed to Him or never bothered reading through His book? The bible is as much the history of God's people as it is of God Himself. The entire book reflects His supreme character, His unfailing love, and His neverending grace. He gave us the gift of the written word so that we may read it, and He gave us the gift of eyes so that we may see it.
As for hearing, I think it's mostly a matter of recognizing what feels foreign to you on the inside. You see, when we're sinners, chances are what we're hearing in our head is what agrees with us, what agrees with our nature. When we hear the voice telling us "not to sin" or "you better think about this" or when some random, left-field thought shows up in our brain that not only goes against the moment, but that we recognize as not being of us, more than likely, that's God talking to us. That's the Holy spirit telling us to hold up, take a look at this, and realize what's going on.
The enemy isn't going to throw a random bible verse in our head. He's not going to ask us, or influence us, to pray for friends or family. Evil spirits and demons are not going to encourage us to do the right thing, or to read the scripture, or to act as we should. You see, while before we were sinners, and any thought that came to us probably was just another thought from the enemy to tell us "it's okay" and the thoughts from God were foreign, so now are we saved and in God's grace that when we hear something like "indulge" "no one's looking" or "do it for yourself", the enemy has now became what's foreign and wrong to us.
God's talking, always talking. All we have to do is listen. And when we listen, we'll be talking to Him, and He'll be listening to us....
Amen
90 Days w/Jesus....day 25
Before I get started, may I say it's kind of cool that I got snowed in from work today. I had a few days of updates to post in here, and I'm glad God is giving me the time to catch up with everything....so, yeah, thanks God, you are pretty hardcore in your loving kick-assness :)
and on to the days of our lives...
(action points Luke 5:17-26)
1. What have you found to be the worst side-effects of sin, and what does Christ's forgiveness insert in their place?
I remember back, as I read this day's passage/paragraphs, and was reminded of my time on the mountain, with a friend, whom I trusted as a man of God to be there for me so I could confess things. Things that are, no, things that were, my deepest, darkest secrets. The things that were never spoken of before, that no one save for God Himself knew about.
I was so nervous about confessing these things to my friend that I brought a big blunt of weed and smoked nearly the whole thing in about two minutes, so I could feel as though I had that 'liquid (or smoked) courage' in me. It was that daunting on my heart that I wanted to be inebriated, drugged up, so not only could I feel numbness at bringing it up, but so that it would all truthfully come out of me.
What is funny to me, though makes total sense now, is as I started talking to my friend about my sin, I realized I was speaking on another sin, something as equally filthy and shameful. I didn't even know it until a few good words in, and realized aloud that I was going to have to come completely clean to Him, as He was acting as an Ambassador of Christ to me at that moment. There was no sense in trying to hide my sin, or to keep it from being known.
Now, coming from a place in my life where I've studied many other forms of "spiritualism", I had mentioned to my friend the idea of a meditation I had, that was helping me try and think of a tangible way to view God's love and grace. I told him that I pictured a cross, a flaming white, pure cross. The kind of white that makes all other color disappear from it's spectrum, almost as if it's a tear in existence itself. To picture this cross, in my mind, the size of a small object, say a key roughly, and then slowly, start picturing that cross grow exponentially larger.
As the cross grows larger, from key, to hand, to body, to car, to house, to tree, to street, city, mountain, state, continent, planet, star, galaxy, solar system, universe, existence. Basically this meditation helped me start to picture the size of God's love in our known existence. And then, once you have that in mind, to picture God's Grace, or God Himself, outside of existence. The image that you just had, the one of the flaming cross that filled existence, becomes so tiny and dwarfed and small, it's as if it's a speck of dust on a speck of dust in the middle of nowhere, it just doesn't exist to the naked eye, almost invisible. God's grace ends up being this like flowing, golden, pureness, so large that nothing could ever bump into anything, ever, even if two things would set in a straight path for one another. He's just that massive...
So, while we were talking about this, and I was confessing to Him my sins, he was telling me to think of my meditation that I told him about, and how I believed that God sees me, and He forgives me, and then I show up into Heaven, into Him, and He somehow notices this tiny little black speck, this tiny, insignificant little blemish, that is my sin, and somehow, He had missed it. That God know plans on kicking me out because He overlooked something.
Now, since I'm stoned, and my eyes are closed, I'm having some very vivid visuals as to what He is saying to me, and what I'm seeing in all this. And when he tells me this, I see myself as a bubble form, my essense in a rounded shape, being seeped out of God, on the edge or barrier of the Lord, falling away into the blackness.
But, this is when my friend tells me that there is no end to God's Grace. It goes on forever. It does not stop. It does not hit a wall. It just is. And as he tells me this, I see my bubble, melded right back into the Lord, right back into His Grace, and the edge that I was picturing, it just sort of disappears.
On that day, I had believed that God could not heal me. That there was, as my friend put, something I'd carried around inside me for so many years of my life that I thought it could never be cleaned, that I could never be rid of it's guilt, that the Lord could never, nor would He ever, forgive me.
All too often, we, as feeble little human beings, believe our sins are greater than God's Grace & Love for us. That somehow, as my friend put, God is the ultimate washing machine, but He just can't seem to get that one pesky little stain out of us. This type of thinking is absolute bullshit, and it's bullshit put there by the enemy, to trick is into believing that not only can God not truly heal us, but that if He saw the things we had done, He would never want to heal in the first place.
All lies! There is nothing, no thing, NOTHING, greater than God and His ultimate power, His ultimate will, His ultimate intellect, His ultimate emotion. God can do anything. Any thing. ANYTHING.
And when I realized this, as I sat there that day, being forgiven for things because I brought them to the Lord, because they were things that sought to keep me broken, that sought to keep me caged, that sought to keep me enslaved to guilt and my sinful life, that God can do it all. That when He forgives, what He ultimately does is give us more of Him in the place where our sins once were.
A long time ago, when I was without hope in my life, and had my heart broken by women, which was me ultimately breaking my own heart over and over because I would not let go of my own guilt, I had told a friend it is as if my heart is clay, and every time it was broken, another piece was taken from me, until my heart grew so small that it had nothing left to be given.
My friend spoke to me about how Sculptors work. That not only do they see the image in the clay of what the finished desires of their heart are, and while they may take pieces of clay off in order to shape and mold the clay into those desires, they also add clay, they give more to the sculpture, they don't just subtract, they pute more of that desire into it. They do it in such a way that when it is finished, The sculpture reveals exactly what the Sculptor was looking to express when He set out to make it in the first place.
The Lord may take away, but He is always adding Himself to us, so that we may reflect Him, and what He wants to say through us.....
2. Do you have a hard time accepting forgivenes-either God's or anyone else's? What do you believe is the source of your difficulty?
For a long time, yes, I admit, I had a hard time accepting anyone's forgiveness, especially my own, and most especially the Lords. As mentioned above, to be forgiven is a sense of being wiped clean, of made new, made fresh, with no bearing or weight of what has happened to be on the decisions one makes now.
Pride, for me, has tended to be the biggest source of being unable to forgive. Thinking that I can't be forgiven, or that what a person has done shouldn't be let go of, or ignored, that when you look, act, talk, or see someone, that your mind should not focus on anything else except those things they did that they now seek forgiveness for.
As I have grown with the Lord, so have I grown in His understanding to me of what He wants when we seek forgiveness. He wants us to be forgiven, He wants us to know He forgives us, He wants us to know that He loves us. That He does not hold our past against us. That He does not look upon us with contempt or displeasure. That He does not always think back to "that one time" or "that thing".
I believe I wrote, in my testimony, how, when all things in our lives end, and we stand before the gates of the Lord, the enemy will be there, screaming at the top of his lungs, ripping his own hair out, irate with God, telling Him just how much we sinned, pointing out to Him all the filthy, wrong, unholy things we've done in our lives. How we are owed to his service because of the amount of sin we administered, to ourselves, to others, and to the Lord.
But the Lord will be there, with Jesus at our side, standing firm and saying that He has no record of that, for we sought His forgiveness, that we took our broken spirit to Him, that we may be healed, and that we truly know the cost of the things we've done, and how we are bathed in Christ's righteous sacrifice.
Ultimately, forgiveness is a part of love. God loves us so much that He gave us the ultimate pardon. All we have to do is realize what He gave, and we will know in our hearts that asking for forgiveness, and confessing what we've done, and laying it all before Him, that we believe He died for us, so that we may be forgiven. Not just atoned for, but wiped clean.....forever.
Who have you forgiven today?
Amen
and on to the days of our lives...
(action points Luke 5:17-26)
1. What have you found to be the worst side-effects of sin, and what does Christ's forgiveness insert in their place?
I remember back, as I read this day's passage/paragraphs, and was reminded of my time on the mountain, with a friend, whom I trusted as a man of God to be there for me so I could confess things. Things that are, no, things that were, my deepest, darkest secrets. The things that were never spoken of before, that no one save for God Himself knew about.
I was so nervous about confessing these things to my friend that I brought a big blunt of weed and smoked nearly the whole thing in about two minutes, so I could feel as though I had that 'liquid (or smoked) courage' in me. It was that daunting on my heart that I wanted to be inebriated, drugged up, so not only could I feel numbness at bringing it up, but so that it would all truthfully come out of me.
What is funny to me, though makes total sense now, is as I started talking to my friend about my sin, I realized I was speaking on another sin, something as equally filthy and shameful. I didn't even know it until a few good words in, and realized aloud that I was going to have to come completely clean to Him, as He was acting as an Ambassador of Christ to me at that moment. There was no sense in trying to hide my sin, or to keep it from being known.
Now, coming from a place in my life where I've studied many other forms of "spiritualism", I had mentioned to my friend the idea of a meditation I had, that was helping me try and think of a tangible way to view God's love and grace. I told him that I pictured a cross, a flaming white, pure cross. The kind of white that makes all other color disappear from it's spectrum, almost as if it's a tear in existence itself. To picture this cross, in my mind, the size of a small object, say a key roughly, and then slowly, start picturing that cross grow exponentially larger.
As the cross grows larger, from key, to hand, to body, to car, to house, to tree, to street, city, mountain, state, continent, planet, star, galaxy, solar system, universe, existence. Basically this meditation helped me start to picture the size of God's love in our known existence. And then, once you have that in mind, to picture God's Grace, or God Himself, outside of existence. The image that you just had, the one of the flaming cross that filled existence, becomes so tiny and dwarfed and small, it's as if it's a speck of dust on a speck of dust in the middle of nowhere, it just doesn't exist to the naked eye, almost invisible. God's grace ends up being this like flowing, golden, pureness, so large that nothing could ever bump into anything, ever, even if two things would set in a straight path for one another. He's just that massive...
So, while we were talking about this, and I was confessing to Him my sins, he was telling me to think of my meditation that I told him about, and how I believed that God sees me, and He forgives me, and then I show up into Heaven, into Him, and He somehow notices this tiny little black speck, this tiny, insignificant little blemish, that is my sin, and somehow, He had missed it. That God know plans on kicking me out because He overlooked something.
Now, since I'm stoned, and my eyes are closed, I'm having some very vivid visuals as to what He is saying to me, and what I'm seeing in all this. And when he tells me this, I see myself as a bubble form, my essense in a rounded shape, being seeped out of God, on the edge or barrier of the Lord, falling away into the blackness.
But, this is when my friend tells me that there is no end to God's Grace. It goes on forever. It does not stop. It does not hit a wall. It just is. And as he tells me this, I see my bubble, melded right back into the Lord, right back into His Grace, and the edge that I was picturing, it just sort of disappears.
On that day, I had believed that God could not heal me. That there was, as my friend put, something I'd carried around inside me for so many years of my life that I thought it could never be cleaned, that I could never be rid of it's guilt, that the Lord could never, nor would He ever, forgive me.
All too often, we, as feeble little human beings, believe our sins are greater than God's Grace & Love for us. That somehow, as my friend put, God is the ultimate washing machine, but He just can't seem to get that one pesky little stain out of us. This type of thinking is absolute bullshit, and it's bullshit put there by the enemy, to trick is into believing that not only can God not truly heal us, but that if He saw the things we had done, He would never want to heal in the first place.
All lies! There is nothing, no thing, NOTHING, greater than God and His ultimate power, His ultimate will, His ultimate intellect, His ultimate emotion. God can do anything. Any thing. ANYTHING.
And when I realized this, as I sat there that day, being forgiven for things because I brought them to the Lord, because they were things that sought to keep me broken, that sought to keep me caged, that sought to keep me enslaved to guilt and my sinful life, that God can do it all. That when He forgives, what He ultimately does is give us more of Him in the place where our sins once were.
A long time ago, when I was without hope in my life, and had my heart broken by women, which was me ultimately breaking my own heart over and over because I would not let go of my own guilt, I had told a friend it is as if my heart is clay, and every time it was broken, another piece was taken from me, until my heart grew so small that it had nothing left to be given.
My friend spoke to me about how Sculptors work. That not only do they see the image in the clay of what the finished desires of their heart are, and while they may take pieces of clay off in order to shape and mold the clay into those desires, they also add clay, they give more to the sculpture, they don't just subtract, they pute more of that desire into it. They do it in such a way that when it is finished, The sculpture reveals exactly what the Sculptor was looking to express when He set out to make it in the first place.
The Lord may take away, but He is always adding Himself to us, so that we may reflect Him, and what He wants to say through us.....
2. Do you have a hard time accepting forgivenes-either God's or anyone else's? What do you believe is the source of your difficulty?
For a long time, yes, I admit, I had a hard time accepting anyone's forgiveness, especially my own, and most especially the Lords. As mentioned above, to be forgiven is a sense of being wiped clean, of made new, made fresh, with no bearing or weight of what has happened to be on the decisions one makes now.
Pride, for me, has tended to be the biggest source of being unable to forgive. Thinking that I can't be forgiven, or that what a person has done shouldn't be let go of, or ignored, that when you look, act, talk, or see someone, that your mind should not focus on anything else except those things they did that they now seek forgiveness for.
As I have grown with the Lord, so have I grown in His understanding to me of what He wants when we seek forgiveness. He wants us to be forgiven, He wants us to know He forgives us, He wants us to know that He loves us. That He does not hold our past against us. That He does not look upon us with contempt or displeasure. That He does not always think back to "that one time" or "that thing".
I believe I wrote, in my testimony, how, when all things in our lives end, and we stand before the gates of the Lord, the enemy will be there, screaming at the top of his lungs, ripping his own hair out, irate with God, telling Him just how much we sinned, pointing out to Him all the filthy, wrong, unholy things we've done in our lives. How we are owed to his service because of the amount of sin we administered, to ourselves, to others, and to the Lord.
But the Lord will be there, with Jesus at our side, standing firm and saying that He has no record of that, for we sought His forgiveness, that we took our broken spirit to Him, that we may be healed, and that we truly know the cost of the things we've done, and how we are bathed in Christ's righteous sacrifice.
Ultimately, forgiveness is a part of love. God loves us so much that He gave us the ultimate pardon. All we have to do is realize what He gave, and we will know in our hearts that asking for forgiveness, and confessing what we've done, and laying it all before Him, that we believe He died for us, so that we may be forgiven. Not just atoned for, but wiped clean.....forever.
Who have you forgiven today?
Amen
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