Screwtape and lessons learned....

These past few days, or yesterday, or a day or two ago, it now seems in my mind as if it's been something that's been on said mind, but I couldn't honestly tell you when the thought first brushed the surface of my consciousness, yet it's here now, so there's nothing I could do about it.

I randomly remembered the book The Screwtape Letters, loaned to me by my good friend Bobby. For those who don't know the book, it's not nec. a book, but a series of 'letter's written by a demon/boss to his demon/nephew worker, and deals with all the effective ways of how the enemy uses our very selves against us that we may stray from the Lord. Specifically, in one section of the letters, it's written how the 'new' followers, when things are first being introduced to them, are at crucial points, b/c all it takes is an outside environmental influence, even if it's minute at first, for them to start questioning the bane of existence of all things. (Side note-that whole last sentence could be a little babbly and incoherent, but I really wanted to get in 'bane of existence' somehow)

He writes about how a new Christian, when dealing with or interacting with people, perhaps even those not of the same faith, how that person will slowly, even subconsciously, look to disengage themselves in the pursuit of the Lord, in part due to attitudes, emotions, personalities that are surrounding them. It's the biggest catch-22 ever; your faith will most be shaken and possibly broken if you surround yourselves with those people who have no interest, desire, or pursuit of the Lord you love, and, yet, part of loving the Lord is being thrust into the situations where you are confronted by those people who have no interest, desire, or pursuit of the Lord.

And when this popped in my head the other night, I looked around and took a quick stock of things I've been doing, saying, involving myself in, interacting with, etc., etc. It was at this moment that I realized how I was like the individual being written about in Screwtape( forgot to say, Screwtape is actively trying to demonize a new believer, and these letters are written as procedural advice), and realized how, just like him, at first, everything is all shiny and new and happy, and I may exude confidence, strength, and a willing devotion, but, as things move forward, I keep expecting the next little amazing thing, and just like the character in question, I'm looking around and letting the world influence me, instead of the other way around.

I was reading,albeit briefly, about Christ telling us to pick up our cross and carry it with him, suffer as he suffered, but to entrust in Him, and His burden is easy and His yolk is light. There was a comment pertaining to the idea that we have the right to suffer, to feel pain, to be angry, to be mad. But....this is our cross. Our cross is to everyday pick up this burden, and to not take it out on others. To not be angry at someone or something because you were previously angered or upset or put upon because of something that affected you prior. As mentioned, these past few days, or, pretty much since when the connection between myself & the character were made, it's been in the back of my head, in little revelations, like tiny neurons firing off, making connections and showing me the things I've been actively,willingly, and eagerly doing. Everything from the conversations I have to the specific words I use to the very manner in which I use them, along with my general attitude/mindset towards things, it's all been all the very things I was warned about when I read the letters in what has to be already almost a year ago. Wow. Hard to believe it's been so fast....back to subject.

So here I am, having takin a good warhammer swing or two or six or seven, to all things good/God/Godly in these past few weeks/months. The bad Tim, the evil Tim, the Tim that was and did and thought all kinds of despicable things, that Tim? He's very tough because of the amount of battles he went through. I took a lot of pain and strife and hurt in my life, and all those things did was to serve as a hardening of myself, the wanting to be in that old mindset, the old ways, the destructive ways, because at least with those ways, I knew what I was getting. I can measure my pain. I can feel my sadness or anger, and I can know them so well, as if they were an old pair of jeans I wore and loved. I know it may sound silly, but when Jesus tells me to take up my cross, I think He's truly telling me to pick up myself. TO NOT let the old me lead me. I mean, the cross, it's a symbol, a representation of the old ways, the old habits, the old style of seeing the world and my place in it. The moment I stop taking up my cross, or stop caring about my burden, or anything of the like, is the moment when I'm more than likely sinning myself into a stupor.  It's the moment when I start to tell myself  that I can handle it, that it's not too bad, that just one more time, or if I cut it down to so and so amount, I should be good.

I'm asking rhetorically of course, but why do we think we can be both wholly sinful and wholly holy at the same time? Why do we think we can take our aggressions out on someone because earlier in the day someone was pissy with us? And why do we think that we have any right to infuse our cross into someone else's burden? Do you think Jesus got so pissed off at the other two criminals up next to Him that He threw a little armageddon at them since He was having a bad day? Exactly. He willingly accepted that His burden was part of His journey, and that His journey was leading Him to God.

At the end of the day, who knows if anything I just typed makes sense, has a point, or builds (or detracts) from the grand scheme of things. What I do know is that I'm pretty sure God is having the Holy Spirit press pretty hard on my consciousness, and is making Him press even harder from within me so that the excess waste that is known as the old Tim is flushed out. I almost went to church today after work. The day seemed nice and beautiful and picture perfect. Then I got home, said hi to my dog, took my shoes off, and all it took was the shoes to convince me to stay home. Buuuuuut....I have been thinking about that and this and the like off and on since I've gotten home, so I clearly acknowledge and know there is something that is doing it's darndest to make its prescence known by me making mine unknown.


So there ya go. Enjoy journal

31 from the last, 35 from that point. 66 days is too long

66 Days.

A little over 2 months.

A massive amount of spent income.

A massive amount of legal and illegal drugs taken.

A massive amount of alcohol drank.

A massive amount of binging on food, watching my body blow up in size.

A massive amount of decrease in physical activity, coupled with injury, has turned me into jelly.

A massive amount of grandstanding and fuckyouing to God.

A zero amount of writing, journaling, thinking, processing about God and His way. Sure the witty quip here and there, perhaps even a scriptural reference, but I've done a lot to push myself decidedly away from him in these past 66 days.

But.

Can I turn it all back around in these next 66 days? can I give back to Him that which I took from Him? Now, there are those who will say you can't take from God. To that I say, if you seek to reject His love, then you look to take from Him the thing he offers freely-grace.

66 days.

It doesn't seem like that much, does it. 9 weeks. 1,324 hours. 79,440 minutes. 4,766,400 seconds.

And if life is all about the singular moment, the not being actively alive in the past nor already experiencing the future, only being able to ever comprehend, truly comprehend, is the now, then I have to come to and accept the realization that I took nearly 5 million moments from God. Moments from God that I should have been spending with Him, giving over to Him, and growing within Him.

How many moments did you NOT spend with God today?

Lord, I need your Grace to remind me to find my way. Guide me to the path you have laid out before me. In your name I pray. All the power, all the honor, all the glory, unto you, now & forever. Amen.