So, last night at work I was accused of stealing.
After the store was closed, and I'd been sweeping/mopping/cleaning the floors for what would have been an hour to hour and a half, I was confronted about this. A manager was standing near a few coworkers and they were talking, and I faintly heard one of them say "what's this?", but wasn't paying attention. I heard it again, but the statement (I didn't think) was directed at me as I was mopping the floor.
Finally, I hear a "Timothy! What is this?" I turn around to find the manager there.....oh wait, let me 'splain the layout. I work in a long rectangular grill/cooking area, with a pickup counter along one whole side, the grills and such on the opposite side. The pickup counter sits in front of the server area where they, yes, pick up food. Glad to know you're following so far. I was sweeping up my section, and the manager along with a coworker or two was in the server pickup area.
...getting back to things, I turn to find the manager there, holding/pointing to a plate on the SERVER side of the counter, that had a steak on it that was half eaten, a few bites gone.
Now, since I've been at this job, I've not had the first meal from this place whatsoever. We work straight through and aren't given a meal break, and I don't eat right before work. ALSO, my character/demeanor has given no such impression that I'm of questionable values or deceptive.
Yet here I am, singled out from management, with no base for accusation, and I'm being asked what this steak is, where'd it come from, etc. etc. It's like if I saw a cigarette butt on the ground and decided to walk over and single out one person accusing them of having smoked it, with ZERO evidence on my end.
So, while I'm being embarassed and accused in front of other co-workers of doing something deceptive, I tell her it looks like a steak that someone ate, and I have no idea why I'm being asked about it, since it's not mine and I was nowhere near it, nor had I been doing anything else for the last 90 minutes but mopping a floor.
I was very angry at this, and am still angry at it because I've been accused of something with no reason nor right to do so. I've even come to find out from a co-worker that the other day a manager just straight came at them and asked if they were stealing, again, with no provocation, evidence, or reason.
As I've written to friends or spoken about lately, I've only been at this job for one official week. And each night I've come home, it's been after 12, closer to 1, I've either cried, had some tears, or simply felt defeated. I realized today there was an online bible journal I was doing that started right before I started this job, yet I just now forgot it was there, because I've been so exhausted and unable to find the life in me to want to do anything.
To top things off about last night, AFTER I'd cleaned for nearly 2 hours and 20 minutes, I had the same manager walk around and tell me I was supposed to do x, y, and z. but because I'm new, I wouldn't be knocked much about it.
The only problem is, I've not done those things one single time since I've been there, because those things were held responsible by another worker, someone who's job is different than mine, therefore they have different duties. But as it turns out, what's happened is they've scheduled so many people for overtime, and are getting told to cut down hours, that they sent said person home at a cutoff point, and then looked to lay those cleaning responsibilities on me, without telling me, informing me, or asking if I'd do them. And yet, there I was, being chastised and broken down and being "talked to" about the things I need to take care of and improve on.
I've given everything to this job, in a single week I've been more exhausted than I ever have before, and that's including those times when I was in shape or working construction. I come home with zero energy, zero feelings of goodness, joy, or happiness inside, and am mentally breaking down from the amount of stress that's been forced upon me. And I've never worked as hard, been so depressed/angry/upset/embarassed at job such as I have with this place.
There is only so much a person can take before they breakdown. And I'm afraid that moment will come at any given time in the next few days....
.....in other, unrelated news, my love(or lack thereof) life. I made a vow to God to be celibate recently, within the last month or two. Now, while it's true no one is beating down my door to begin with, there's something I've come to realize about this, and perhaps even myself.
I don't believe I can ever be with a woman, or even have a child of my own, and the reasoning is simple-I would love that woman, or those children, more than I would my Lord. It's a truth, and a painful one at that, but it's the honest truth. I believe if I fell in love with a woman, or had my own child, they would be my utmost priority of all things, even beyond the prayer and faithful devotion I know that I would be rightfully responsible for.
There was a moment during a movie or tv show I've seen in the last few days that sparked this trail of thought in my mind. I can never love God and another human companion or my own child at the same time, because the physical "reality" of the person and the manifestation of love I would be able to give and "see" given back to me, it would keep me from the Lord, and would serve as two masters in my life.
What's more is, just like my drug use in my past, I don't think I could know this truly without having 'loved' those women in my past. I use the quote marks since no love is supposed to exist outside of Christ, but what I had was the closest thing to love I know.
And that love for me, those loves in my past, I can never have that type of love again.
Everyone says 'be strong, Tim. You are with the Lord, and the Lord is with you', as if I'm not strong right now.
I have news, guys and dolls.
Sometimes, especially for me, being strong is showing my weaknesses and failures. In my past, I would have kept all these feelings and emotions from ever touching the surface, believing that was strength.
Right now I'm as strong as I can be.....and that's because in this moment, I'm at a heavy weak point in my life.
God, where are you?
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